


Waiting for the train

by Prettygirlgraves



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluffy Ending, Rape, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 57
Words: 100,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4377584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettygirlgraves/pseuds/Prettygirlgraves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The rain seemed to find it's way into Emma's hood, despite her best efforts to protect her face. Her train was at least 20 minutes late by now and Emma was at the point where she didn't think she could get any wetter than she already was."</p><p>Emma and Regina get on the same train to Boston each morning. Little do they know that when they first meet, one rainy morning at the train station that their lives will continue to mix, whether they like it or not.</p><p>This is a dark fic- warnings are applied where necessary on each chapter.<br/>Currently being UPDATED/REVISED 2/56</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Angry eyes and perfect lips

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> This is my first fic on archiveofourown and I'm hoping it will be fluffy in places as I love a good romance fic. I love the Emma/Regina dynamic so it's what I decided to write about. It will have some dark chapters but hopefully with a fluffy ending!  
> Feedback will be greatly accepted!
> 
> I'd also like to thank my beta for reading my fic and giving me some feedback.

The rain seemed to find its way into Emma's hood, despite her best efforts to protect her face from its cold lashing. She was at the point where she didn't think she could get any wetter; the rain had trickled into every crevice and available surface, leaving her drenched as she waited for her train which was already 20 minutes late. Her coffee was cold and a little watered down from the rain that was seemingly there just to ruin her day, she mused, feeling the droplets slide down the bridge of her nose in a steady stream. Silently, the blonde kicked herself for forgetting her umbrella, or at least for not wearing a coat that would have provided her more protection. She hadn't looked out the window before she left her apartment, and there hadn't been time to go back and get it as the clock had revealed, she was late. Then again, so was the train, but she hadn't remembered to check that of course. 

She glanced along the platform noting several others dripping with water with irritation plastered on their faces. In particular, Emma noticed a brunette striding up and down the platform with enough irritation to blow herself up along with the whole station. She sighed, feeling the same irritation stir; there was absolutely no chance of getting to work on time, and she really didn't want an excuse for her boss to yell at her yet again. That was the problem of getting the train to work, or any other transport for that matter, time management was key, as well as being a skill that the blonde just didn't possess. Stuffing her hands in her coat pockets, she managed finally to grab an available seat despite the fact that it was wet. Emma had gone beyond caring, it wasn't as though she had anything left to keep dry and she might as well stop the blood from pooling at her feet. The cold metal of the seat didn't help her shivering, leaving her cold, tired and alone with her thoughts.

She stared at the clock, watching as each minute passed, seemingly lasting a decade. Every tick of the clock, was a second later that she was for work. It really was the perfect way to continue her already crappy morning. The clawing remainders of her fitful sleep lingered painfully, dampening her mood alongside her already sodden person. It was as her thoughts turned elsewhere that the train finally came into view; people looked cramped and flustered in each and every window that passed until the train rolled in front of Emma. She felt an unwanted, but familiar churning in the pit of her stomach as she saw the amount of people on the train. When the doors opened the train was already bursting to the seams with people on their way to work, and she was unsure if she could even fit in alongside them all, not that in that moment she really wanted to. It was clear that they would all be late to work that day. 

Squeezing her way through the crowds, Emma managed to push her way into the corner of a carriage and tried to slow her breathing that was beginning to become somewhat irregular and frantic. She hated crowds. The sensation of having no way to escape, people next to you, touching you from every side. The idea of it alone made her stomach churn, and the amount of people on the train this morning did nothing to help her breathing. In attempt to calm herself, he closed her eyes and tried to imagine that she was the only person in the train, picturing blank surroundings. However, it only became increasingly hard as more and more people got on, cramming her further and further into the tight corner of the carriage. The mental emptiness she was trying to create did nothing to stop her feelings of suffocation as the train started to move, jolting her slightly.

The blonde looked up as she felt a nudge in her side, and realised she was standing next to the brunette that she had seen on the platform earlier. Although in the realms of panic, she began to focus on the woman's face. Up close, despite the fact that her eyes brandished only frustration, her features were defined yet soft with heavily rouged cheeks. Her makeup was impeccably applied delicately onto perfect lips. She was beautiful, Emma realised, her gazing distracting her temporarily. 

Emma hadn't realised she'd been staring so obviously until the brunette said irritably, "Is there something on my face?"  
"No, no sorry- I," Emma spluttered. She was in a situation now she realised, watching the angry eyes cut to her own face, her gaze so sharp she thought she might be able to pierce through her skull to spill her very thoughts.  
"Good." The brunette cut in sharply. Her tone was definitely no nonsense.  
Emma sucked in a shaky deep breath as her anxious mind registered the interaction. She wasn't ready for this kind of social awkwardness so early in the morning, especially as it accompanied the feeling of people closing in on her. This only elicited sharper pants from her lungs as her surroundings morphed into nightmares.  
In. Out.  
In. Out.  
In-  
"Are you okay?" the brunette's gentle inquiry cut through her panic once more and she blinked up, accidentally meeting her eyes. Her eyes bored into the emerald depths of Emma's intently, almost as if she actually cared the blonde mused. Her tone and features were so different from how they had been a moment ago; it surprised her that someone could express such contrasting emotions so intensely in such a short space of time.  
"Yeah. Fine." Emma said breathily. She really didn't need an episode like this today, but it seemed the nightmares were determined to linger. She knew the woman only meant well, but she didn't think she had the capability to have a decent conversation with anyone. She tugged down her sleeves in attempt to comfort herself.  
"Okay." The Brunette affirmed after a moment, but she didn't sound confident in her assessment. Emma assumed she had realised it wasn't her place to assist a perfect stranger.

The blonde tried only to concentrate on her breathing as the train sluggishly crawled towards Boston. If she managed to ignore the brunette's gaze, and focus only on the increasing number of buildings appearing in small clumps, she might just about get through this. The journey couldn't have lasted any longer if it tried, but when it finally reached Boston, Emma frantically clawed her way through the crowd and raced out the door of the train with a sigh of relief. She was out, she was free, physically at least. What she didn't notice was the brunette woman staring with a twinge of concern, at the blonde blur trying to escape.


	2. Green eyed angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina couldn't wait to take off her heels; her feet were throbbing like mad from a full day of work. As soon as she opened the door of her apartment, she kicked them off in the vague area of her shoe cupboard and collapsed into her bed, enjoying the feeling of the soft silk sheets. Her whole body throbbed with tiredness and she could barely move, already feeling her body losing consciousness as she snuggled under the cosy duvet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Another chapter, sorry it's quite short I promise they will get longer when Regina and Emma become more friendly with each other! I'll try and post fairly often, I don't think I'll have a regular day, you'll just have to wait and see! Feedback would be greatly appreciated! :)

Regina couldn't wait to take off her heels; her feet were throbbing like mad from a full day of work. As soon as she opened the door of her apartment, she kicked them off in the vague area of her shoe cupboard and collapsed into her bed, enjoying the feeling of the soft silk sheets. Her whole body throbbed with tiredness and she could barely move, already feeling her body losing consciousness as she snuggled under the cosy duvet. 

At the back of her mind she knew she had a whole load of documents to check and some to fill out for tomorrow. It would take at least 4 hours she estimated with a sigh, but sleep just felt so inviting in that moment. Work on the other hand, did not. She lay, snuggled there in bed for a few moments until she couldn't over power her longing anymore, and the soft clutches of sleep gently pulled her under and into its arms.

_Regina waded through dreams; swimming through them like they were made of water. Each new dream as she continued to doze, was so light and yet so heavy, pulling her under. Bobbing in her sea of unconsciousness, her dreams flashed a seemingly familiar pair of soft green eyes. It seemed to her as though she knew them oh so well in their clarity. They merged into an illusion of bustling people and places which she couldn't quite identify as the blurred images filled her mind. There were so many people talking and moving and-_

She awoke with a start. A car alarm was blaring extremely loud outside the window of her apartment, and she almost moaned in annoyance at the interruption. For a brief moment, she was confused in her hazy sleep-tinged state, still between reality and the land of dreams, unsure of who she was. With a blink of her eyes, she awoke fully into the dull light of her flat. The light on her desk was the only remaining light in the room, and its artificial glow glared down on the huge pile of paper that she had to sift through that evening. Regina ran her hand through her silky brown hair in confusion as her dreams faded away, now almost blurred from reality except for a pair of beautiful green eyes.

The brunette stared over at the clock; it read 11:02pm in an angry bright red. She cursed when she realised that she had slept for at least 3 hours, approximately 3 hours more than she could afford. That huge pile of work hadn't got any smaller. With an irritated sigh, the brunette figured that those 3 hours would have to be enough sleep for that night. She smoothed out her crumpled, grey work outfit and rolled out of her bed reluctantly, stumbling towards her kitchen counter. If she was going to get through tonight she needed caffeine, and lots of it.

With a fresh cup of coffee in hand, Regina sat down at her desk preparing to work, going through the usual mechanisms of turning on her laptop, but she couldn't seem to get the mysterious pair of eyes out of her mind. She couldn't place where she'd seen them before, and it wasn't usual for her dreams to linger in this manner. But there wasn't time for her to think about that she realised, shaking her head in an attempt to remove the eyes from her mind as she picked up the first paper on her pile and began to read, her glasses perched elegantly on the tip of her nose.

It was going to be a long night.


	3. Late for the train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was late, again.
> 
> Her alarm had never gone off this morning but she could hear it going off in her head. It was screaming at her that she was late; Blaring in her ears. Luckily, her body clock had seemed to be working fairly well, and she only woke up 30 minutes late. It could be worse, Emma muttered to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I'm posting this chapter today because tomorrow I'm going on holiday for 2 weeks. I'll try and post some chapters whilst I'm away because I think I might have Wifi but just thought i'd let you know! 
> 
> Sorry it's short, I've been quite busy. Also I apologize for it being so slow burn but, I promise they will talk in the next couple of chapters! Feedback is very welcome!

She was late, again.

Her alarm had never gone off this morning but she could hear it going off in her head. It was screaming at her that she was late; Blaring in her ears. Luckily, her body clock had seemed to be working fairly well, and she only woke up 30 minutes late. It could be worse, Emma muttered to herself. She sighed as she yanked on her tights and shoved on the first sweater in her wardrobe along with her usual grey pencil skirt. Grabbing her bag and her phone, she frantically grabbed everything she needed for work that morning and threw it in. There wasn't time for much of a breakfast so the blonde grabbed a cereal bar from her kitchen cupboard and dashed out the door, as fast as she could. Emma ran down the stairs, past the lift with the angry out of order sign on the doors; stumbling in her navy high heels. 

This particular morning however, Emma had to talk to her boss about her next projects. And she knew that being late wouldn't give a good impression. It was just her luck that today was the day that her alarm didn't go off. She checked her phone. Her train was due to leave in 1 minute and she was at least 5 minutes away from the station. She prayed that this was one of the days that the train was late. 

The train station was down the road from her apartment. She dashed across the road, dodging the cars in the busy streets of Storybrooke. Running in high heels was not as easy as most women made it look. Whilst running she realized her jumper was inside out. A seemingly typical morning for her. With a frustrated gasp, pushed open the door to the station, clutching her bag in one hand. 

Emma ran as fast as she could towards her platform, just to see her train beginning to leave the station.  
She cursed under her breath, running towards the train in hope that somehow the train would stop. She reached the moving train and banged on the door, staggering along the platform half heartedly, following the train. 

The blonde stumbled to a halt as the train left the platform, leaving her clutching her crumpled handbag on the side of the train tracks. As she stared after the train, she noticed the brunette from the other day staring right at her. Embarrassed, she turned away and wobbled her way over to the seats, to wait for the next train; which wouldn't arrive for another 45 minutes.


	4. Coffee a day, keeps the tiredness at bay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina sat slumped in her seat, staring out at the passing grassland on her way to work. She had seen that blonde again, at the train station. She had looked a mess, watching the train drive away from her on the platform. Regina felt sorry for her. She didn't even know her, yet she felt something for this woman. Something she couldn't quite place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I know it's only a day since I posted the last chapter, but I'm on a long car journey today so I had time to write the next chapter!  
> I'm really enjoying writing this story but I had no beta this chapter, so I apologize if there are any mistakes!  
> Comments and feedback would be appreciated! :)

Regina sat slumped in her seat, staring out at the passing grassland on her way to work. She had seen that blonde again, at the train station. She had looked a mess, watching the train drive away from her on the platform. Regina felt sorry for her. She didn't even know her, yet she felt something for this woman. Something she couldn't quite place. 

The brunette looked up, and smoothed out a crease in her skirt self consciously. She ran her fingers through her parted hair in attempt to detangle it. The train slowly chuntered along the tracks, and Regina saw it approaching Boston slowly. The sky rise buildings were coming in to view. It was very different to Storybrooke and Regina liked it. She liked the noise. It was a great contrast to where she lived, which was fairly quiet and almost village like at times in comparison. She felt almost normal when she walked the streets in Boston. There were so many people but Regina still felt like she meant something. In her work attire, walking the bustling streets, she felt like she was someone. It gave off big town vibes. 

As the train came into Boston station, Regina slid out of her seat and jumped onto the platform. Her work was only 10 minutes away from the station. Regina worked in management at Apple. She liked her job enough for her to pass the time as she didn't like to sit still for long, she got impatient. The brunette seemed to do the most out of everyone and worked almost 24/7. But she didn't mind the long hours much. It was something to do at least. Also her huge workload meant she avoided any unnecessary social interactions. People knew not to disturb her whilst she was working. 

Sitting at her desk, Regina realized she hadn't actually read any of the job applications in front of her. She had been thinking about those green eyes again. They perplexed her. But felt so familiar. They were constantly on her mind. Her work seemed to take second place. And she was a workaholic. She ran her hands through her hair frustratedly. She needed to focus on the work in front of her. The brunette spun around in her chair, checked the clock and realized it was 3.20pm and she hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. It was only then that her stomach made an impatient gurgle. Regina sighed, and then proceeded to grab her leather jacket. 

She walked down the street looking out for the nearest coffee shop. She needed her caffeine fix. It helped her concentrate, and it gave her that boost that she needed to get through the rest of the day. She was looking around the streets and through the crowds when Regina noticed a blonde woman walking a few people ahead of her. She was filled with curiosity, wondering if it was the woman she had seen earlier. Suddenly, she had the urge to see this woman's face. Her blonde hair swished in waves past her shoulders. Regina jogged up past the woman and quickly stared at her face. It left her disappointed. That's when Regina realized she'd been looking out for that particular blonde she'd seen at the station earlier. She didn't know why. She almost laughed at herself in amusement at her own thoughts.

She carried on walking quickly down the high street when she noticed a costa a few blocks away. The rain threatened from grey clouds above her as she strided towards it. Upon arriving, she selected the first coffee she saw on the board, a skinny latte. She paid and swiftly took her coffee from the counter; gulping it down as fast as she could. As the warm liquid soothed her throat, and she felt her body start to tingle with fresh energy. 

With her coffee in hand, Regina flipped up her coat collar and headed out into the cold street.


	5. Moonlight Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The harsh beeping of her alarm signaled another day of work. Her blonde hair was tousled in loose waves, and sleep was collected in clumps around her large green eyes. The tiredness was overwhelming from another night of tossing and turning. It seemed almost a moment ago that she had finally fallen into a restless sleep. She wondered if she'd ever get over it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, I don't have much internet because I'm on holiday. 
> 
> This chapter has mild trigger warnings as Emma has a flashback. Nothing is really mentioned, it's just a precaution. 
> 
> I had no beta this chapter, sorry if it sucks. And I'm sorry for this being so slow burn.   
> Please give feedback! I hope you enjoy :)

The harsh beeping of her alarm signaled another day of work. Her blonde hair was tousled in loose waves, and sleep was collected in clumps around her large green eyes. The tiredness was overwhelming from another night of tossing and turning. It seemed almost a moment ago that she had finally fallen into a restless sleep. She wondered if she'd ever get over it.

_They came towards her, slowly but menacing. Blocking out all view of the night lights on the bustling street. She ran, and ran until she came to the end of the dark alley. It left her with no escape. She tried to hide behind some bins, but the men rolled round the corner, laughing and joking, as if this was some kind of joke. A sick joke. They were getting closer and closer until she could smell the nicotine oozing off them; still laughing as they stroked her hair, crowding round her. She was trapped._

She stretched out of bed, her nightmare fading with the light of the early morning sun streaming through the crack in her blinds. Emma's life was like a repetitive cycle. Wake up, get up, go to work, come home, bed. Every Monday to Friday it was exactly the same, without fail. Keeping with her routine, she clumsily got dressed and ready for the day ahead. Work trousers, jumper, boots. She messily applied her makeup, to cover the dark circles. The blonde sighed, she looked pretty shocking. Totally unlike that beautiful brunette she saw on the train. Each time Emma had seen her, it looked immaculate. Whereas today, she looked exactly how she felt. Tired, and stressed. But it would have to do.

She stared at her bed, her blankets lay in a crumpled cocoon of where she once lay, curled up. Her apartment was littered with rubbish all over. Work sheets, neon energy bar wrappers, dirty washing she hadn't had chance to put in the machine. She almost laughed. Just like my brain, she murmured to herself, as if it was some kind of inside joke. She grabbed a protein bar from the cupboard on her way out, whilst clutching her keys. She didn't feel like sifting through dirty plates to make anything this morning.

Emma waited at the platform on the hard metal seat of the train station. Her hood was pulled up, and she wrapped her arms around herself whilst she waited. There was a chill in the air this morning, that made her fingers turn purple from the cold. She could picture her coat sitting on the red chair at her apartment, it was her own fault really for forgetting it, but it didn't make her feel any less cold.

When the train arrived, she thanked heaven quickly as she jumped into the heated carriage. She slid into an empty two seater as she watched waves of people climbing on. She didn't even notice when a brunette woman slid into the seat beside her, until she heard the familiar notes of Beethoven's moonlight sonata playing from beside her.

"You like Beethoven?", she found herself asking the brunette.

The woman turned her face towards her own, and she realized it was the same woman that she had seen these past two times. The anger that had etched her face, the first time was replaced with a calmness and a more gentle softness. She was even more beautiful than Emma remembered, and her makeup even more impeccable. Her chocolate brown eyes filled her face, and she spoke from her delicate lips.

"Yeah. Sorry. Is it too loud?" the brunette inquired, as a slight blush entered her cheeks.

"No, not at all. Emma said quickly. I just recognized it, that's all. It's one of my favorites." she mumbled, her cheeks too going pink, but a more startling shade.

"Oh, the woman said. Yes. It's one of my favourites too. I always listen before work. It helps me relax, you see." She gave Emma a quick smile.

Emma did see. She wasn't even sure why she kept on talking to the brunette. Or why she noticed the way her hair fell in soft, deep brown layers towards her shoulders. Or how her eyes crinkled when she flashed Emma a smile. She didn't even know her. And for Emma, this kind of social interaction didn't usually occur this early in the morning.

"Me too," Emma said blushing as she gave the woman a quick smile back.

The train chugged along slowly, as if tired from the early morning endeavour. Boston came into view; the sky rise buildings looked as if they were touching the clouds. She knew the train station would be just ahead. She felt something on the tip of her tongue, and before she knew what she was doing, Emma turned to the brunette and said:

"I'm Emma, by the way."

The woman blinked at her before giving her another soft, quick smile as she stood gracefully up from her seat.

"Regina. My name is Regina."


	6. I can't stop thinking about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn't even know why she sat next to the blonde, let alone why she told her her name. Emma, she corrected herself. Her name was Emma. It was a beautiful name, she found herself murmuring. For a beautiful face with that. And when she smiled, oh god Regina thought she would melt into a puddle on the floor of the train. But alas, she had much to do that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I'm so sorry I haven't posted in a while, I had writers block. I apologise for this chapter, I needed to churn something out for you all, so hopefully I'll be posting again soon. 
> 
> Hope you guys like this chapter, it's kind of a filler chapter. There will be more Regina/Emma interaction next chapter!

She didn't even know why she sat next to the blonde, let alone why she told her her name. Emma, she corrected herself. Her name was Emma. It was a beautiful name, she found herself murmuring. For a beautiful face with that. And when she smiled, oh god Regina thought she would melt into a puddle on the floor of the train. But alas, she had much to do that night. 

She sat, huddled up over her desk trying to concentrate on her work with no avail. The pile of work had not got any smaller, and she knew she had to concentrate, but her brain didn't seem to function properly. Emma was the brightest thing up there, pouring into every crevice of her mind, until she was all that she could see. Regina leaned back in her chair, and sighed.  
"She probably doesn't even like me. This is crazy. Get a grip on yourself," she mumbled to herself. She wasn't sure why she was feeling such a strong attachment to this blonde. It was such an unusual feeling for Regina, until now she realised, she had never felt this way about someone before. There had been a boyfriend at high school, but there was no love there. Was this love? She realised she didn't even know what love felt like. The brunette wished there was some magic potion to make her forget, there was no chance that Emma even liked her. I mean why would she? Regina thought to herself. She tugged her fingers through her dark brown locks, in an attempt to detangle them. She couldn't stand this turmoil, what was this feeling? She was confused. She wasn't even sure why she felt this way, she had barely spoken to this woman for 5 minutes. 

The brunette stood up abruptly and paced up and down the room, in attempt to rid the blonde from her mind. Her feet throbbed in her black high heels from the hard day's work, she she kicked them off in an attempt to relax into her evening work. She fiddled with the volume button on her CD player, and with sudden inspiration, the brunette picked up a CD and slipped it into the disk entry. The low melodious chords of Beethoven's moonlight sonata filled the room. She sighed with relief, as she felt her body relax. But all she could see was Emma's inquiring face on the train this morning, asking her if she liked Beethoven. 

She felt dissatisfied, in a way she had never felt before. Her work used to be enough for her. Regina sighed begrudgingly, her delicate fingers twitching over the CD player with subtle irritation, attempting to mask this feeling from herself. Such turmoil she had never felt before. Who was this woman? 

Emma. Her name was Emma.


	7. See you tomorrow?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey." 
> 
> Emma heard a soft voice from beyond the music she was listening to. She pulled out an ear bud, and looked up to see Regina staring at her with soft brown eyes. She was wearing a long dark trench coat, a burgundy scarf and her makeup was beautifully applied as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Here's the next chapter for you all! I haven't got a beta, so I'm sorry if it sucks. I know this is incredibly slow burn, but I'm hoping in the next few chapters, they'll become more friendly. Please leave feedback/ comments, I'd really appreciate it, so I know if you guys actually like the story! 
> 
> Thanks!

Hey." 

Emma heard a soft voice from beyond the music she was listening to. She pulled out an ear bud, and looked up to see Regina staring at her with soft brown eyes. She was wearing a long dark trench coat, a burgundy scarf and her makeup was beautifully applied as usual. 

"Hi," Emma said, attempting to seem bright and cheerful as the train chugged on out of Storybrooke station into the dense, green countryside. She scooted over to the seat closest to the window to make room for Regina to sit next to her. She smiled at her briefly, a pinky blush rising in her cheeks as Regina slid gracefully into the seat next to her, tucking her coat into her. 

Emma rubbed her eyes subtlety, to try and conceal her lack of sleep from her perky neighbour. It'd been a long night for Emma, and her eyes had collected sleep in clumps, as if like magnets. Today, the bags under her eyes were so prominent, even her usual concealer trick didn't do the job.   
She had had a particularly bad nightmare, worse than usual and she wanted to forget. It was still etched into her mind, so when she closed her eyes, she could still see it. Her heart was pounding, it was if it had only just happened. The blonde had woken up screaming, sweating with tears running down her face. Emma pulled the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands anxiously, remembering what had happened.

However, for some reason, being in Regina's company made her more relaxed. She sighed with relief as she felt her breathing slow, and the image gradually grow fuzzier as she took in Regina's pleasant counter nance. She even attempted to make conversation with the brunette. 

"So. Beethoven today?"

"Yeah, you?" Regina replied with a soft smile. 

"Fur Elise," Emma replied. The blush in her cheeks reappearing as she returned Regina's smile. God why was this woman even talking to her? Regina was a goddess in comparison to her. 

"Nice," she smiled back at Emma warmly. There was an uncomfortable silence, when neither one knew what to say, until Regina broke the silence. 

"You live in Storybrooke, then? I've never really seen you a around there before." 

"Yeah, I do, Emma replied hesitantly, and then added, I don't really go out much, so that's probably why."   
She smiled quickly, her eyes flicking to Regina's face to see her response. 

"Ah, me too," Regina smiled. My work kind of takes priority over a social life." She also smiled softly at Emma, in understanding.  
They then sat in a companionable silence until the train reached Boston station, where they both stood up, and walked together to the open doors of the train, and on to the platform. When they got off the train, Regina turned suddenly, playing with a strand of hair, and said, almost childishly with a grin, " See you tomorrow, then?" 

Emma smiled brightly in return, and replied "Yeah, and added, have a good day." 

Regina gave her a wide, toothy grin, revealing her beautifully straight white teeth, and then turned around quickly, and walked off into the crowd.


	8. Unexpected encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This management meeting had gone on way too long, Regina mused to herself. She hated these meetings, but as she was fairly high up on the ladder, they were compulsory. She tried to bear them as best she could, but she couldn't help but gaze off into her subconscious every now and then. Today, all she could think about was Emma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Heres a new chapter for you, I'm going to try and update more regularly before I have to go back to school because I'm sure I'll be overwhelmed with a huge workload!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Feedback would be appreciated :3

This management meeting had gone on way too long, Regina mused to herself. She hated these meetings, but as she was fairly high up on the ladder, they were compulsory. She tried to bear them as best she could, but she couldn't help but gaze off into her subconscious every now and then. Today, all she could think about was Emma. 

'Miss Mills?' 

Regina turned her head quickly, a blush rising in her cheeks, as she realised everyone was looking right at her. She hadn't realised how long she's been staring into space for. 

'Yes Mr Jones?'

'I was just introducing Mr Nolan, our new head. He's going to be keeping an eye on your work for the next couple of months. He's your new boss, technically.'

Regina glanced quickly at the tall, muscular man that was leaning against the wall of the office board room. She felt a blush rise up on her cheeks, as with a smirk, he eyed her up and down. She looked away at the desk, but still feeling his eyes on her, burning into her. She wasn't typically anxious, but this kind of attention, was not desirable in her opinion. The brunette shifted through the notes in front of her, in attempt to distract herself from the feeling that she was being watched. 

Finally, the clock signalled lunch time, and Regina stood up gratefully. She headed to the door, behind the senior employees, that rushed with a burst of lunch time excitement. She felt a hand grab her wrist suddenly as she reached the door, forcing her to twist back round to face none other than Mr Nolan, her new boss. 

'Miss Mills, he said with a toothy smile. Or should I call you Regina?' 

'Mr Nolan, Regina replied with a blush. You may call me whatever you like, you are my boss I understand.'

'Yes, I am. So. Regina. What do you do around here? Look pretty? Because you sure are.'

David folded his arms, and smiled a toothy grin at Regina. Her cheeks turned scarlet at his blatant questioning, and she wasn't even sure what to say in reply. 

'Uh. Well. I work in management. And-'

'Honey, don't worry yourself. I'm not serious, go take a break, grab yourself some lunch.' He grinned at her, his white teeth glinting. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to say anything, so she meekly turned round and headed to her office. 

'Fuck,' she murmured under her breath. What happened to work place equality? The brunette subconsciously did up another button on her sweater. 

Grabbing her coat and leather purse, she flipped up her coat collar and headed out into the lobby, rushing to beat the inevitable lunch queues there would be in the shops. Her breathing was heightened in annoyance. Was this guy for real? She muttered to herself crossly. She wasn't going to let him take advantage of her, she had a job to do, and she was going to do it well.

With her determination, and with a sandwich for lunch, she allowed her mind to wander to Emma as she walked the busy streets, clutching her usual coffee as she made her way back to apple headquarters. She pictured her soft blonde, wavy hair falling past her shoulders, and her black rimmed glasses framing her face, and her soft pink lips. 

'Regina?'

For the second time that day, she had allowed herself to wander off, and had seemingly missed something, again.  
She blinked, and her dreams, popped into reality as Emma's face suddenly sharpened in front of her eyes. 

'Emma?'

'Hey, she replied with a friendly smile. Fancy seeing you here!'

'Yeah, the brunette replied happily. It seems I can't get enough of you today.'

Emma blushed, and Regina returned it as a pink flush arose in her cheeks as she realised what she had said. 

'I didn't mean-

'I get it Regina, it's okay,' Emma replied with an understanding smile, it even reached her eyes. 

'So, Regina said, having to speak loudly due to the massive amounts of people bustling past them, do you work around here?'

'Yeah. I have an office in the Margaret building, just over there.'  
Emma pointed to a tall, silver metal building, a couple of streets down, that poked up from out of the streets. 

'Oh, right. I think I know it. I work in the apple tree, just a couple of streets across. I work for Apple, if you didn't know.' She smiled at Emma, awaiting her response. 

'Ah, nice, Emma replied. She pulled out a white iPhone from her jacket pocket, and waved it at Regina. It seems as if you own me,' she said, with a shy smile.

Regina laughed at her attempt at a joke, and held up her own iPhone. 'They own me too,' she replied with a toothy grin. Emma smiled in return.

Suddenly, she became aware of the time that displayed on Emma's phone screen. 

'Shit, I'm going to be late,' Regina blurted out, realising she only had a few minutes before she had to get back to her office. 

Emma's smile turned to that of concern, and she said politely, 'Don't let me make you late. Have a good day.'

'Thank you Emma, you too,' she replied hurriedly to her blonde companion as she rushed past her in the direction of her office, a smile still plastered on her face from their unexpected encounter.


	9. Oh, Regina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma woke up screaming once more, the nightmare had taken hold of her fragile mind, and consumed her thoughts once more. Beads of sweat were gathered on her forehead and her rough nails clutched at her sheets in desperation, as if to cling on. She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the light. But she could still see the nightmare, dancing, taunting her, I front of her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, 
> 
> Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, it's school tomorrow, so I've been quite busy in preparation.  
> This chapter has TRIGGER WARNINGS for self harm scars, and also there is a mild rape scene flashback. If this could trigger you, please don't read this chapter. I don't want to trigger any one, or cause any pain. I feel that personally I have enough experience with mental health issues to write about this, but let me know if I could do it better. 
> 
> Thanks guys! Hope you're all okay, and feedback would be appreciated!

Emma woke up screaming once more, the nightmare had taken hold of her fragile mind, and consumed her thoughts once more. Beads of sweat were gathered on her forehead and her rough nails clutched at her sheets in desperation, as if to cling on. She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the light. But she could still see the nightmare, dancing, taunting her, I front of her eyes.

_She was trapped. A rough hand grabbed a fistful of blonde hair, pale grey in the darkened light. She couldn't see much, but she could feel their hands ripping at the fabric of her dress; hot and sweaty as they tore at her, and clamped a hand down over her mouth to stop her desperate screams. A few men held her down as one smiled at her, menacingly, ignoring her cries as they in turn, took pleasure in her. And it didn't even stop there._

She could still feel their hands on her, as she lay in bed panting harshly. The urge to be sick suddenly came over her, and she ran to her bathroom, the artificial lighting glaring over her as she stared at her flushed face in the mirror. The blonde was wearing a grey vest and crumpled navy blue shorts. Her pale arms were littered with an array of scars, varying in colour from a plum purple, to a pale red, to white. Her delicate fingers traced over the lines, in a sad remembrance. It was nights like these that she had created these marks. And tonight was one of those nights, where she really wanted to. She felt trapped, and claustrophobic as the tears welled up, and spilled over.

She went over the scene over and over in her mind, her heart beat getting more and more erratic as her fingers clutched the sides of the sink, in attempt to ground herself. Her knuckles where white from clutching the porcelain of the sink. The clock on the shelf read 2.43am, she had to be at work in around 7 hours, so she didn't see why she couldn't take her shower a couple of hours early. She turned on the hot tap, so hot it scalded her skin when she stepped in, but the blonde didn't seem to notice. She let the boiling water trickle down her back, and drop down her nose as she immersed herself.

She grabbed a wash cloth and rubbed it all over herself, in attempt to make her feel clean again. A fluffy white towel lay on the rack, so the blonde wrapped it tightly round her waist like a comfort blanket as she shuffled back into her bedroom. Shivering, she rubbed herself dry, feeling a new sense of calm after her shower. She tripped over a pile of clothes, and turned on her CD player, queuing up Beethovens symphony. She turned the volume down, till it was barely a whisper.

A smile played on her lips, as she thought of Regina's glowing face, and her perfect, toothy grin. She allowed it to fill her mind, and block out the dream that still hovered. The Symphony gradually calmed the beat of her heart, as she lay in bed, and thought of Regina. Her fingers twiddled with a strand of hair as she imagined Regina, lying in bed, thinking of her.

Or was she?

She didn't even know if Regina liked her in that way. Or what way was that? But it didn't matter, as long as she saw Regina's smile each day. Although somewhere she found herself craving more. But she wasn't sure what. It was in the silence that she muttered into her dingy apartment,

'Oh, Regina.'


	10. Hold my hand, I'll make it all go away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been 3 hours since Regina had seen Emma that morning and she was already having Emma withdrawal symptoms. The brunette stared at the blank, blinking word document screen of the sleek iMac computer in her office, and sighed with frustration. It seemed that ever since she'd met the woman, she was all she could think about. Even her precious management role was taking second position. Her reading glasses had slipped down the bridge of her nose, and fell suddenly, with a crash onto her desk, stirring her from own thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off guys, I just want to apologize for not updating in so long. I've been really busy with back to school work, and I haven't had much time to write. I can't express how sorry I am, so here's a chapter with Emma and Regina points of view, in one chapter! 
> 
> Also I've had no beta, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it. Mild trigger warnings for a Regina/David scene, and a brief mention of self harm scars.

It had been 3 hours since Regina had seen Emma that morning and she was already having Emma withdrawal symptoms. The brunette stared at the blank, blinking word document screen of the sleek iMac computer in her office, and sighed with frustration. It seemed that ever since she'd met the woman, she was all she could think about. Even her precious management role was taking second position. Her reading glasses had slipped down the bridge of her nose, and fell suddenly, with a crash onto her desk, stirring her from own thoughts. She blinked and looked up to see Mr Nolan (David, she mentally corrected) staring right at her, leaning in the doorway of her office, a small grin growing on his face as he saw the blush rise into her cheeks, as she felt her eyes on him. 

"Oh Mr Nolan, did you want anything?" Regina inquired politely, trying not to let her discomfort show. 

"Do you have the files?" he asked with a toothy grin. 

"What files might they be, Mr Nolan?" Regina asked with a forced smile.

"The ones I gave you 3 hours ago," he replied, his smile only growing at her increasing discomfort. 

"I haven't had time to complete them yet Mr Nolan, do you think you could come back in a few hours?"

"That's too bad, he replied with a smirk, I really needed them. Guess you'll have to help me in other ways," he muttered as he strode up towards her desk with seemingly great purpose. Regina froze, rigid, and unknowing. He leaned towards her, and brushed a clump of hair from her face, his fingers lingering on her skin. She squirmed, and tried to wriggle away. 

"Mr Nolan, what do you think you're doing?" She replied hautily, which was how she tried to act in front of the other employees, so that no one would bother her. 

"What's that Miss Mills, are you questioning my authority?" He replied cheekily, but also with a sense of authority that chilled Regina to her bones. 

"Yes, I most certainly am. This is harassment." The brunette tried to wheel her chair away from his grasp, but in doing so, David clutched onto her silky hair, his fingers almost pulling it from the roots. She cried out in pain, and clutched her head as she felt a sudden, tender pain appear at the roots of where he held on. 

"Miss Mills, let me remind you, I can get you fired, I am your boss. Now, you will oblige me whenever I wish, I'm sure a woman as beautiful, and as clever as yourself, can understand your place in this establishment." He still clutched her hair tightly in his now bulging white knuckles, waiting for her response. 

"Yes, I understand." She replied, her voice wobbling. 

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Mr Nolan." She replied softly, in almost a whisper as a tear slid down her face. She cursed herself for showing weakness like this, but she didn't know what to do. She couldn't lose this job, she had worked so hard to get here, from nothing. And without it, she didn't have anything. 

"Good. I'm glad we understand each other Miss Mills," David replied as he let go of the clump of hair. He gently stroked her neck as he did so, making Regina shiver with fear and disgust. He gave her one last grin, as he strode out of her office, shutting the door gently behind him. 

She let a few more tears escape now that he was gone, as she wrapped her work jacket more securely round her. She wasn't sure what to do now. Her fingers were still shaking, and her bottom lip wobbled, now not I'm fear, but in anger. How could she let this happen? Her eyes misted over in a red haze of anger. She couldn't let this happen again, she wouldn't. This was harassment. But he was her boss, what could she do? Another whimper escaped her lips as she gingerly picked up her reading glasses and slipped them back onto the curved bridge of nose. 

She closed her eyes and imagined those soft green eyes, the ones she felt that she knew so well, the ones that gave her this comfort. The ones that she still couldn't quite place. She let more tears slide as she let herself become immersed into her imaginary world. 

 

~~~~~ Emma ~~~~~

As the blonde sat down onto an empty corner seat on the train home that dark, rainy evening, she saw the familiar figure of Regina jump through the doors at the last minute before the train was about to leave. She smiled in surprise at the brunette's unexpected appearance. They didn't usually see one another on the train in the evenings, she assumed Regina's busy work schedule made her work later hours. But something was wrong, Emma realized as she saw the brunette's face. Her makeup was smudged slightly around her eyes, in a soft grey and her eyes were slightly red, as if she had been crying. 

Their eyes met as Regina looked around for any available seat. Emma thought she saw a small smile appear on Regina's lips as she noticed her, but she wasn't quite sure. The brunette strided, quickly and confidently over towards her, and sat down by her, smiling softly in her usual way. 

"Good evening," she said quietly to Emma, giving her another elusive smile, that made Emma feel like her head was going to explode. 

"Hey, Emma said warmly. How was your day?" She asked attentively. 

She thought she saw a flicker of something in the brunette's eyes. Anger? No. Sadness? Or maybe a bit of both. 

"Fine. As always, she replied a little tensely. And you?"

"It was fine, thank you," Emma replied. There was a brief moment of silence in which Emma mulled over whether to ask Regina if she was okay. In the end, she decided to go for it. 

"Are you okay?" Emma asked tentatively. 

"Yes. I'm fine," the brunette muttered. 

"Regina." Emma persisted gently, she didn't want to push the woman too far. 

"What?" The brunette snapped at Emma, revealing anger in her deep brown eyes. The sudden outburst of anger was quickly replaced by a soft kind of sadness that Emma could understand all too well. 

"I'm sorry about that, Emma. I know you only mean well. I just had a bit of a stressful day," the brunette replied carefully, but also with a small smile, that seemed a little forced. 

"Don't worry about it, Regina, Emma replied comfortingly, and then almost to herself, I know what a bad day feels like." 

This caused the brunette to look at her with a tinge of concern, that she tried to brush away, as she saw Emma's gaze on her again, accompanied by a smile. 

"Thank you, Emma," the brunette replied appreciatively. 

Without thinking what she was doing, Emma put her hand gently over Regina's, as a comforting gesture. She didn't know why she did it, the blonde didn't usually like people touching her, but somehow it just felt right. Regina looked up into her eyes, and Emma saw how the other woman's eyes flooded with happiness and appreciation. Emma felt her hand grasped by the brunette in a light squeeze, as if to say she appreciated it. Emma felt Regina's smile go right through her. God she's so beautiful she couldn't help thinking, even when she's sad. 

They both sat together in a companionable silence for the majority of the rest of the journey, both of their spirits lifted by each other's kindness. Although no great profound words had been spoken, Emma felt a great sense of happiness in Regina's presence, she forgot the ghostly burning sensation that she had felt on her arms all that day. None of it even mattered. 

Regina was all that mattered.


	11. Oh, Emma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She smiled widely at her phone screen, staring at the new name and number on her contacts screen. 
> 
> Emma 
> 
> 054437693
> 
> Her finger hovered over the call button as she thought longingly about their meeting earlier that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I'm uploading this chapter a day after the last one, mainly because I'm not sure when I'll be able to update next week, as I'm really busy with school. I'll try and update as often as I possibly can! 
> 
> Mild trigger warnings for an anxiety/ptsd attack that Emma has on the train.
> 
> Thanks for continuing to read this story, feedback would be greatly appreciated!

_She smiled widely at her phone screen, staring at the new name and number on her contacts screen._

_Emma_

_054437693_

Her _finger hovered over the call button as she thought longingly about their meeting earlier that day._

'Good morning,' the brunette smiled brightly at Emma as she stood next to her on the already busy train. She had pushed her way through the crowds to find the familiar blonde until she saw her crammed into an uncomfortable corner by a large window. As she said good morning, the blonde looked up at her, with fear in her eyes. Regina could still remember the first time she had spoken to the blonde, it was about a month ago now, and she remembered how Emma had been closing her eyes tightly, as if to block out the crowd.

'Are you okay?' The brunette gently inquired, her face now pained with worry.

'Yeah, Emma breathed out heavily. She added, with a half smile, I just don't really like crowds.'

'Oh. I'm sorry I didn't realise,' she whispered with concern etched on her face. She reached out for Emma's pale hand, to give her comfort, but what she saw in the blonde's eyes was nothing but fear as she gently touched her worn, yet delicate fingers. Emma pulled back quickly, her breathing grew more rapid and Regina gasped as Emma started shaking, all from her touch. She could see that she wasn't really on the train right now, she was somewhere else entirely.

'Emma, Regina whispered softly. Emma I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.'

The blonde continued to breathe erratically, as she stood rigid in the corner of the train. Regina stepped back from Emma as far as she could, without bumping into anyone else. Emma let out a quiet whimper at what she could see, Regina guessed it was something particularly unpleasant. She saw the blonde pull her jacket tighter around her, clutching her chest tightly, as if to protect herself.

'Emma. Emma it's Regina. You're okay,' she tried to whisper comfortingly. She saw Emma's breathing begin to slow, as she saw her trying to fight her way back to her. Her eyes flickered open and squinted in the bright, artificial light of the train in confusion, as if she didn't quite know why she was there. Her eyes flicked up and looked around, and turned to Regina.

'Regina,' the blonde said breathily.

'Yes, Emma. It's me. You're okay,'Regina said calmly to the other woman, trying not to show her panic at this sudden outburst from Emma. She gradually saw her resurfacing from wherever she'd been.

When her breathing had slowed to a more normal pace, The blonde looked up at Regina again and weakly gave her a quick smile. A blush rose in her cheeks, as if she was embarrassed.

'Sorry,' she whispered to Regina, hanging her head in shame.

'Its okay Emma, you don't have to be sorry.' Regina replied giving her a warm, steady smile.

'I didn't-'

'Emma. It's okay, you don't have to explain,' the brunette interrupted. She didn't want Emma to feel obliged to explain something she could see the blonde wanted to forget.

'Thank you,' Emma whispered, looking up at Regina with genuine gratitude.

'For what?'

'Everything,' Emma whispered, it was so quiet, Regina almost didn't hear it, but in that moment, to Regina it was so loud, and it meant so much. She didn't even smile, but she didn't need to. It was like they were outside time in that moment.

They stood together on the train until they had almost reached Boston station, with only eyes for each other, and Regina couldn't help but think she noticed love in Emma's eyes and oh god she was so beautiful. They both stared at each other, unsure of what to do, until Regina couldn't contain herself. She suddenly blurted out:

"Can I have your number?'

She blushed hard, her cheeks turning scarlet with realisation at what she just said as she stumbled to correct herself,

'I mean, only if you want, I could help, and you could talk about it, if you want. I mean. It would be nice.' She sighed with frustration at herself. How could she be so stupid? The other woman had just been through a lot, and she probably didn't even like her anyway. Why would she even want her number? But Emma's smile widened until it filled her whole face and she said the words Regina had been longing to hear.

'Of course, she said warmly. A blush also present in her cheeks at the brunette's unexpected, but not unwelcome question. I mean it would be nice. To talk, I mean, instead of just on the train every morning,' the blonde stuttered.

'Yeah,' Regina smiled slightly, a rosy blush still present in her cheeks as she pulled her iphone out of her pocket and handed it to Emma, careful not to touch the skin of the other woman as she placed it in her soft, pink hand. The blonde entered her number, and then to Regina's delight, took her own phone out of her pocket and handed it to her.

By the time they had exchanged numbers, the train had rolled into Boston station, and took them both by surprise as the doors opened, and floods of people headed out through the doors.

'I hope you have a good day, Emma,' the brunette said carefully, and warmly.

'You too, Regina, Emma replied. And jovially she added, try not to get too stressed out today.' 'Regina chuckled at her attempted joke, and smiled at her, showing her bright white teeth in genuine amusement.

'Ill try. You too.'

In that moment, she wasn't even thinking of David, Emma was all she could see, in every corner of her mind, she shone, bright gold like the blonde of her soft, wavy hair. As they walked their separate ways, they both turned to wave at each other, both giving comforting smiles, showing they understood each other all too well. Walking through the station doors into the bustling streets of Boston City, Regina muttered, with great longing, under her breath,

'Oh, Emma.'


	12. Will you stay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her fingers stumbled on her phone screen, searching for the number that would make all her pain go away. But when she found it, she paused. Would she even want to talk to her? She quickly glanced over at the clock, it read 12.43am in bright luminous letters, that shone a pale red light into Emma's dark, dingy bedroom. It was now or never, and before she could change her mind, she pressed the small green call button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!   
> Another chapter so soon, aren't I an angel! As I said, I'll post when I can because school keeps me quite busy.   
> Hope you guys like this chapter, and please continue to leave lovely comments! Your encouragement makes it all worth while!

Her fingers stumbled on her phone screen, searching for the number that would make all her pain go away. But when she found it, she paused. Would she even want to talk to her? She quickly glanced over at the clock, it read 12.43am in bright luminous letters, that shone a pale red light into Emma's dark, dingy bedroom. It was now or never, and before she could change her mind, she pressed the small green call button. 

After a couple of rings, she picked up. 

'Hello?'

'Regina?'

'Emma, is that you?' The brunette sounded surprised, but also relieved in a way. 

'Um, yeah. It's me.'

'Is everything okay?' She heard the brunette inquire, with a twinge of anxiety in her voice. 

'Yeah. Fine, Emma replied. Oh god what had she been thinking? This was not going to work. I'm sorry I called so late- I mean early.'

'Don't worry about it. Regina's voice was husky with sleep. I was still working anyway. I had a pile of files I needed to check over.'

'Oh. Are you sure?'

'Positive. Is there anything you wanted to talk about in particular?' Regina inquired. 

'Uh, no. Not really. I mean- no,' Emma stuttered. 

'Okay,' the brunette affirmed.'

There was a slight pause on the line where neither knew what to say, until Emma quickly asked:

'How was your day?'

There was a slight muffle from the other side of the phone as Regina replied quietly, 

'Fine. It was fine. And yours?'

'Fine too.'

Another brief silence followed until Regina whispered into the phone, her voice sounding quiet and even a little sad as she spoke softly, 

'Are you okay?'

Emma sighed. She wasn't sure whether to be honest to Regina. Something about her made Emma want to trust her. And Emma loved this woman. God, did she just think that? Did she love Regina? Shit. 

'Im fine,' Emma whispered, her voice wobbling as she spoke into the silence of her empty room.   
There was another pause, and something that sounded like a kettle boiling in the background.

It was a moment until Regina spoke again. 

'If you're going to lie, at least be convincing,' she said with a sigh. 

'What?'

'Emma. You called me at 1am. What's wrong?' The brunette's voice was overflowing with concern. 

Emma felt tears well up at Regina's question. Oh god, she mumbled to herself. She couldn't do this right now. 

'Emma?' There was Regina again, waiting for her reply. 

'Yes. Hello,' Emma whispered, staring at her phone anxiously. 

'Are you okay?' The brunette repeated. 

'Not really,' Emma whispered into the receiver, waiting anxiously for a reply. 

'Whats wrong?' she heard Regina whisper.

'I have nightmares,' Emma said softly. 

'What are the nightmares about?' Regina asked quietly. 

'There was something that happened. A few years ago,' Emma whispered so quietly, Regina could barely hear her. 

'Do you want to talk about it?' Regina asked gently, not wanting to push the other woman. 

'Maybe. Maybe another time,' Emma stutterd out, she didn't want to do think now. Over the phone. Alone. 

'Okay,' Regina said softly, in understanding, sensing the other woman was in some sort of pain. 

Emma tried to gather herself up, if not for her sake then Regina's. She remembered how the woman had been earlier that week on the train in the evening. She couldn't think of herself right now, she had to think of Regina. God she was being so selfish. 

'Are you okay?' Emma asked Regina tentatively. 

'Why yes, Regina sounded surprised. I'm okay.' 

'Hows work?'

There was a quiet pause and further muffling on the other side of the phone until Regina replied, 

'Just fine. There was a pause and then she said, and you?'

Emma could tell something was up, just as she could that day on the train. But she wasn't quite sure how to approach it. Regina seemed like a fairly closed up kind of person, one who didn't respond to questioning well, but then again, so was Emma. 

'Do you want to talk about Monday?' Emma asked gently, understanding that Regina would talk if she wanted too. 

'What about Monday?' She heard Regina ask quietly, although with the sudden fear in her voice, Emma knew she knew exactly to what she was referring. 

'On the train, Emma said carefully. You looked upset.'

'It was nothing,' Regina replied quickly. The blonde heard heavy breathing on the other end of the phone as she considered whether to push this further. 

'It didn't seem like nothing. Regina, you can tell me, Emma added softly, in an attempt to comfort the brunette. 

'Don't worry about me. I'm fine,' Regina whispered, but she sounded like she was crying. 

Emma didn't want to push her, yet she desperately wanted to help. 

'Look at us, she whispered. I'm sorry'

'Sorry for what?' 

'That I can't be of more help,' Emma said. 

'Theres nothing you could do anyway. But thank you,' she heard Regina say with gratitude. She could almost hear her smiling as she said thank you. 

'You don't know how much that means to me,' Emma said almost in audibly. 

'Oh, I think I do,' Regina whispered softly back, with true meaning in her voice, despite the crackling of the phone. 

Emma smiled brightly into the receiver, at Regina's reply, almost forgetting their troubles. 

'You make me happy,' Emma whispered into the receiver, smiling into the phone, an anxiety rising as she realized what she had just said. Shit, what happens if she doesn't feel the same way? 

'You make me happy too,' she heard her say, and it rang out into the silence of the empty room, but Emma's heart soared as she blinked back the tears. 

'Will you stay? 

'Of course, Emma' 

She laid the phone down next to her as she crawled into bed and under her duvet. When she was comfortable she picked up her phone and held it tightly to her chest. 

'Goodnight, Regina.'

'Goodnight Emma.'


	13. I own you, Regina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She sat typing at her desk, working furiously on more paperwork that David had given her that morning. Luckily for her, he had a meeting imminently, so he had no time to bother her. But Regina still felt stressed. Her fingers ached from constant typing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> I really shouldn't be so active right now because I have school work, but I'm feeling really inspired! 
> 
> Mild trigger warnings for this chapter as David kisses Regina without her consent. Sorry spoilers! If this could upset you, then please don't read. 
> 
> Also I'm curious, do you guys prefer Emma or Regina chapters? Let me know! Any feedback is mucky appreciated. I'll post when I can, and thanks for all being amazing.

She sat typing at her desk, working furiously on more paperwork that David had given her that morning. Luckily for her, he had a meeting imminently, so he had no time to bother her. But Regina still felt stressed. Her fingers ached from constant typing. She was so busy, she hadn't even had time to get her usual lunch time coffee, let alone a sandwich for lunch; she was reminded by a painful growl of her stomach. Even her usually pristine nail varnish was chipped from tapping at her keyboard so frequently in the past few hours of work. Though the time past slowly, she barely noticed. The piles of work around her were too high, and more than she was used to.

A small buzzing from her bag alerted her, and dragged her mind temporarily away from her computer. She lifted out her phone, and peered at the screen, lifting up her glasses as she read her text.

_Hey it's Emma. Well you know tht already. Hope your work is ok. Will I see you l8er? :)_

A small smile spread over Regina's face as she noted the blonde's comical text language. She typed out an answer quickly with expertise.

_Probably not. Snowed under. Hope you're having a good day also. Thanks, R_

As soon as she'd pressed send, the door of her office slammed open revealing David strolling back in from his business meeting. Oh crap, Regina murmured to herself. Was it that time already? She casually slid her phone into her trouser pocket and continued to type laboriously on her computer, ignoring David's sudden arrival.

'Miss Mills, he said with a grin. How's work today?' He casually leaned on her desk, positioning his face close to hers, where she couldn't avoid it.

'Fine, thank you Mr Nolan,' she said clearly in reply. If she was going to be abused in this way, she may as well do it with a little class and dignity.

'Have you got the papers completed?' He asked, leaning closer towards her face, forcing her to turn to look towards him, their faces closer than she ever would have liked.

'Ive almost finished, Regina said, attempting a smile at David. Just give me 5 more minutes okay? And then I'll be right with you. ' She said firmly.

'No problem Sugar, he said, his smile growing further. I'll just wait.'

Any hope that Regina had of David leaving was soon diminished by him casually sitting on the black leather sofa at the other side of her room. She suddenly felt incredibly tense as she felt his eyes burning right into her, scorching her skin red raw.

She continued for a further 10 minutes in an agonizing silence as she slowly typed out the rest of the paper under David's watchful eye. 

'I sent it to the printer outside the office,' Regina told David when she had finished.

'Good. Why don't you pick it up for me?' He grinned at her, and Regina could see he wasn't leaving anytime soon.

With as much courage as she could muster, she stood and walked calmly out of her office, picked up her work from the printer, ignoring her secretary's watchful stare.

'Have you had your lunch yet Miss French?' Inquired Regina.

'No Miss Mills, I usually go when you are taking your break. Are you not having one?' Miss French replied.

'Not today Miss French- I mean Belle, you can take the rest of the afternoon off. I won't be requiring your assistance this afternoon. Thank you,' Regina replied kindly, but firmly.

If David tried anything, she didn't want Belle to be a witness. She had to sort this out on her own. 

'Are you sure Miss Mills?' 

'Perfectly. And thank you. See you tomorrow,' Regina said with a smile as she waved her out and walked back into her office.

'What took you so long?' David asked as she strode back into the room with the paper in hand. 

'I had some things to clear up with my secretary. Here is your paper,' Regina said brusquely handing them to David. As she did so, he grabbed her wrist violently as she leaned in to him, to pass him the paper. 

'Want to have some fun first?' David asked, smiling widely, his eyes dancing wildly over Regina, waiting for her response. 

'What do you mean?' Regina asked, perplexed but suddenly filled with anxiety. 

'Well, I mean like this.' David leaned into Regina and thrust a wet kiss upon her lips, pulling her down onto him, yanking on her wrists. 

'Mr Nolan!' Regina shouted indignantly, wiping David's slobber off her lips, smudging her lipstick round her face. 

'Is there a problem Miss Mills?' 

'I'm sorry Mr Nolan, I can't do this.' Regina said as she slid away from him, to the other side of the sofa, attempting to get up. 

'What exactly are you saying?' David asked her gently, but a malice was present in his voice, that Regina couldn't help but notice. 

'Please, Mr Nolan. David,'Regina whispered softly, pleading with him.

As the tears threatened to slide down her cheeks, David pounced on top of her, pressing her down on to the sofa, grasping her arms and pinning them down by her sides. 

'Do you want to lose your job?' David said, aggressively as he held her down tightly. 

'Why are you doing this?' She whispered, blinking away more tears. She felt a faint buzzing from her trouser pocket, but David didn't seem to notice. Emma, she whispered quietly, too quiet for David to hear even though he was centimeters from her face. 

'Look at yourself. You're beautiful. And smart I should think seeing your management position. But I own you, Regina, I'm your boss. And I can do whatever I like. And don't even try and say anything. Who do you think they'd believe, you or me? If you want to quit, then be my guest. But I won't give you any references, you'll end up homeless. But to be honest, I'm guessing you need this job. And I need companionship.' 

'This isn't the way David. If you hold on to someone too tight, it doesn't make them love you. You can't force them,' Regina whispered. 

'Oh it's not love that I want, David said with a sadistic smile. Love doesn't exist. It's pleasure, and I believe you can provide that for me.' 

'But you don't need to force me, there's someone out there for everyone,' Regina whispered. 

David laughed cruelly, 'You really believe that? Oh Regina you are too naive. But I can help with that. You are mine. Or you can say goodbye to this job. Understood?'

'Yes, Mr Nolan,' she whispered as more tears slid down her face. He caressed her cheek roughly as he hungrily pressed another wet kiss onto Regina's lips. She wondered why he seemed to take pleasure in making her unhappy. God, what an asshole. But it didn't distract her from the unhappy reality that David, Mr Nolan, her boss, was lying on top of her in her own office. 

'Good, he said smiling at the tear stains on her reddened cheeks. Now be a good girl, and participate.' After a few more sloppy kissed, which Regina almost couldn't bear, he climbed off her and wiped his lips in satisfaction. 

'You're not a bad kisser, Miss Mills. See you tomorrow,' he said with a huge grin. 

It was 5 minutes after David left, and Regina was still lying on the couch. She lay still, but still breathing heavily from shock. Slowly, she lifted herself off the leather sofa, slowly, until she was sitting upright. Carefully, she stood up, wobbling slightly, and walked calmly to her desk. She picked her phone out of her pocket. She had two texts from Emma

_ Okay. Np. See you tomorrow then? :) _

_ Everything ok? Em  _

All of a sudden, the brunette couldn't contain her tears any longer. She was choking on tears as they dribbled down her cheeks. She collapsed next to her office chair, clutching it for support as she let the tears fall hard. She cried for a solid 10 minutes before picking up her phone again with shaking fingers. She began to type.

_Emma?_

It wasn't long until she got a reply.

_Yes Regina?_

_I need you._


	14. Anytime & Anywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need you
> 
> I'm here. 
> 
> Can we meet?
> 
> Of course. When?
> 
> Now. Boston Park
> 
> Be there in 10. 
> 
> Thank you 
> 
> Anytime, anywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, I'm happy to be posting so frequently, and I hope I'm able to continue posting this often! 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and as always, feedback would be greatly appreciated.

_I need you_

_I'm here._

_Can we meet?_

_Of course._

_When?_

_Now._ _Boston Park_

_Be there in 10._

_Thank you_

_Anytime, anywhere_

She noted Regina almost straight away as she walked through the gates. She was sitting on a solitary black bench in the middle of the park. It was a cold, slightly drizzly day so Emma had brought her raincoat with her on this impromptu trip. On coming closer to the brunette, she noticed her smudged makeup; lipstick smeared and mascara stains covered her face. But she was still painfully beautiful.

Regina looked up as she sat down on the bench beside her, noting her arrival.

'Hey,' Emma said, with a gentle smile. Regina smiled back, seemingly comforted by the blonde's presence beside her.

'Good afternoon, Emma,' she said with another steady smile. There was a short silence of uncertainty. Neither woman knew where to start.

'Im so-'

'What did you-'

'Sorry,' they both said quickly, and simultaneously for interrupting each other.

'Im sorry for taking you out of work, Emma. In fact this is probably a bad idea. I apologize.'

'Don't be sorry, Regina, the blonde whispered comfortingly. I'm not busy today. And anyway, this is what friends do. They're there for each other in important circumstances.'

'How did you know it was important?' The brunette asked softly, staring sadly into her lap where she fiddled with a button on her red leather gloves.

'I just did, Emma replied. And even if it wasn't. Even if you just wanted to say hi, or inquire if I liked lasagne, I would have come anyway.'

Regina looked up slowly, and smiled great fully at the blonde, but her smile only lasted a moment. Without warning, the brunette burst into a fit of giggles, and it was so unexpected, Emma also started to laugh. They laughed for about 5 minutes without stopping, until she realised that Regina was no longer laughing, she was crying.

'Regina, Emma whispered with concern. Regina what's wrong?'

Tears flowed down the brunette's cheeks as she attempted to choke out a reply to Emma. It took her several minutes to calm herself before she was able to communicate.

'I have a new boss. His name is David,' Regina whispered softly to Emma. The blonde sat rigid beside her, in fear of what the brunette's next sentence might be.

'He, she choked out, seeming to be unable to say the next word. He kissed me.'

Emma froze, all the breath suddenly sucked out of her. She felt sad, but also very angry, and also some things she couldn't quite explain. How dare he kiss the woman she loved. Again with the love? Shit.

'Did you want him too?' Emma asked, trying to sound as gentle, and as calm as she possibly could.

'No, Emma I never wanted him too. I didn't,' she replied, almost shouting now.

'I'm sorry, Regina.' Emma said quietly. She gently laid her hand on top of Regina's, despite her brain screaming against this intimate move. The other woman didn't respond.

There was a pause where Emma almost couldn't contain her anger. It was bubbling up inside her.

'You have to tell someone. You can't let him get away with this,' Emma said slowly, there was a low growl coming from the back of her throat, it was subtle but Regina noticed and looked up at Emma with fear in her eyes.

'Emma, I can't.'

'You can't let him get away with this Regina.'

'He said if I told anyone, i'd lose my job. And Emma, I need this job.'

'You can't let him get away with that, she let her fear and the feeling of rough lips kissing her, and touching her, turn into anger. Anger at this David for doing this to Regina. Nobody deserves this.'

'Maybe I do,' Regina looked down at her lap again, staring sadly into space.

Emma's anger suddenly evaporated at the evident self hatred Regina showed; sadness filled it's place. The worst part was, she knew exactly how she felt.

'No, she whispered. Even if you think you do, you don't. Then she added after a moments thought, I know how it feels.'

'I'm not exactly the best person, Emma. I've done bad things in my life,' she said, mumbling into her lap.

'We have all done bad things, Regina. It doesn't mean you're a bad person.'

Emma ignored her selfish thoughts of self loathing, and focused on the other woman. Even if she believed she herself deserved everything she'd got, it didn't mean Regina deserved it. Oh god she didn't deserve anything bad. Regina deserved nothing but absolute happiness.

Regina still looked hard into her lap, she seemed to be ignoring Emma's every attempt to comfort her.

'Hey, She held on tighter to Regina's hand, rubbing her thumb over her fingers as a comforting gesture, appreciating the soft skin of the other woman's delicate hand.

'Regina look at me. Please,' she whispered towards the brunette.

'I'm afraid,' she whispered quietly.

'Afraid of what?'

'That he'll do it again. And again. And that one day my kisses won't be enough. And he'll want more.'

Emma's stomach churned, and it took every ounce of her strength not to throw up into the nearby bin. She felt her head spinning as an unwanted image popped into her head. She bent down, with her head in her hands. 'Selfish, selfish, she whispered, trying to shake the imagine out of her mind.

'Emma? Fuck, what's wrong?' Regina asked, her voice overflowing with fear and concern.

Emma continued to mutter selfish under her breath, ignoring Regina's pleas. Thankfully, Regina didn't try to touch her, but she wouldn't stop asking her if she was okay.

'Fine, m'fine,' Emma mumbled, not really aware of what she was saying at all. It was a few minutes before she heard Regina's voice clearly. It sounded like it was through water, and oh she felt like she was drowning. But she grabbed on to it, unwilling to let go until she breathed out with a sigh of relief as she leapt out of her dream, her nightmare. She blinked and looked up at Regina. She was still crying, and her makeup was even more smudged around her face, but she didn't look like she cared much.

'Oh fuck, Regina I'm sorry,' Emma mumbled.

'Oh Emma, don't ever be sorry again.'

The brunette hesitantly laid her hand on the small of Emma's back, and despite wanting to push her away, she let her slide her arm round her waist in a half hug. Regina was warm, despite the chill in the air. She felt every finger gently touching her back, and suddenly Emma didn't want to pull away, she wanted to hug her.

Emma held out her arm, and gently touched Regina's thigh.

'Can I?'

'Can you wh-'

Before Regina could fully reply, Emma had launched into a full blown hug, holding the other woman tightly with all her strength. She felt Regina lean in and hug her back, her warmth like a soft blanket wrapping round Emma in the cold, like a child with a comfort blanket they wouldn't ever let go.

'Emma what's wrong?' Regina asked her, her voice overflowing with emotion.

'Now isn't the time, she said softly. This is about you Regina. I can't let anything affect that.'

'Emma, no-'

'Regina. Do you trust me?'

'Yes. Yes, Emma I think I do,' she whispered.

'Well then trust me now. I lo-'

The brunette stared at Emma with wide eyes, waiting for her to finish her sentence.

'You need to tell someone about David, Regina,' she whispered softly.

'I can't do that Emma.'

'Why not Regina?' Yelled Emma, suddenly furious once more. You can't let him. You can't!'

'Emma! Please just let me handle it. I will fix it.'

'Are you sure about that? I don't want him taking advantage of you in any way. I won't let him.'

'Its going to be okay. I've trusted you, so you must trust me. Please, Emma, just trust me.'

'Of course I trust you, it's him I don't trust,' Emma whispered.

'Just let me sort this. Please, Emma,' Regina pleaded, squeezing Emma's hand as she did so.

'Okay, fine, Emma said begrudgingly. But let me meet you for lunch some days. Just so I know you're okay,' Emma added, with a strained smile. Regina's smile brightened remarkably at this suggestion.

'I'll try,' she replied.

'Where do you usually go for lunch?' Emma asked.

'Uh Costa?' Regina said, and then laughed slightly.

'You have coffee for lunch? Emma said with disbelief, How?' But she then also laughed with Regina.

'Yeah, I need my daily dose, Regina said with a further chuckle. They also have an excellent sandwich selection.'

'Aha sure, Costa it is! When do you take lunch?' Emma inquired.

'Um perhaps around 12.30? Regina suggested. I usually have around 30-40 minutes. Is that okay for you?'

'Of course, Emma said happily. It's a date.'

Regina blushed slightly at Emma's remark.

'I didn't mean that I-'

'Emma it's okay,' Regina said, with a smile.

God Emma sure fucked up a lot of conversations.

'Are you going back to work?' Emma asked the brunette, unwilling to leave her again.

'Yes, unfortunately, the brunette said with some reluctance. I have a lot of work to do. But don't worry, she added with a strained smile, I'll make sure I stay away from David. And I'll come home early, and finish my papers at home.'

'Good, Emma said, with a satisfied grin. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Emma said, a little uneasy still, but attempting to act calm and confident.'

'Yes. I guess so, the brunette replied. Also looking reluctant to part from Emma. But Emma, if you need me, you'll call me, right?'

'If you need me, call me, no matter where you are, no matter how faaarr!' Emma sang to Regina with a grin as they parted ways. Regina returned her smile, as she turned and strides away from her. Emma couldn't stand being away from that woman, at least they had confirmed lunch the next day.

With a sigh, and a deep breath, Emma stuck in her headphones and pulled up her hood and headed back to her office.

 


	15. Choking on fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She felt butterflies in her stomach as she stepped out onto the busy streets, and headed out towards costa. She wasn't sure why she was feeling so nervous, it was only Emma. But there was no only. Emma was everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again, with yet another chapter for you all! I seem to get anxious if I don't post everyday now. 
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying the story, let me know in the comments, I would love to hear from you! 
> 
> Thanks :)

She felt butterflies in her stomach as she stepped out onto the busy streets, and headed out towards costa. She wasn't sure why she was feeling so nervous, it was only Emma. But there was no only. Emma was everything. 

On arriving at the shop, she stood anxiously at the door, wondering whether to order before Emma arrived. She looked at the clock, and realised she was 5 minutes early, which left plenty of time for Emma to get here. Then why was she so worried? 

The brunette stared at the clock as the hand ticked by slowly. A minute seemed to last a decade as she waited for the blonde.

The door behind her opened suddenly and she felt a draught blow up her coat and round her ankles, as she saw Emma enter costa, a worried expression also plastered on her face. However her face seemed to brighten remarkably as she noticed Regina standing in the corner, by the door. 

'Hey,' Emma said breathily, a smile growing on her face as she noted the brunette. 

Regina smiled brightly at Emma, and returned the greeting, 'Hey,' she said in her gentle voice, pleased to see Emma after a busy morning. 

'Shall we order?' Emma said with a smile, that Regina couldn't help but think looked a little tense. 

'Sure,' she replied.

The brunette grabbed the first sandwich she saw at the counter, and ordered a black coffee. She noticed that Emma didn't have any food, only a bottle of juice. Maybe she ate earlier she mumbled to herself. 

She walked upstairs, the view from the windows showed the bustling streets of Boston, people constantly on the move, yellow taxis everywhere around them. 

'Where would you like to sit?' The brunette asked Emma.

'Wherever,' Emma said with a gentle smile. 

Regina grabbed a small red booth in the corner, next to a window. She thought Emma might appreciate the view. She slid gracefully into one side, as the blonde slipped into the other. They sat companionably, eating and drinking without saying much for the first 10 minutes. Time was ticking away, and Regina could tell that Emma wanted to say something. 

'Is everything okay?' She inquired gently, hoping to prompt Emma into revealing what ever was bothering her. 

'Yes, the blonde said with a reassuring smile, that to Regina didn't seem all that convincing. Are you okay?' She asked Regina, although the brunette knew she was angling for one thing in particular. 

'Yes. I'm fine Emma, thank you,' Regina said, with an attempt at a convincing smile that she hoped comforted the blonde in some way. 

'Did he touch you?' Emma asked suddenly, and bluntly, her upper lip turned up, almost in a snarl. It was now extremely obvious that she was overflowing with anger that she couldn't even control. 

'No, Regina whispered softly. No, I haven't seen him today.' 

'Good,' Emma muttered under her breath, her anger still evident from the growl that was present in her voice. 

'Emma,-'

'No, Regina. Don't tell me it's okay, when it's not. This is not okay. I can't just sit by and let this happen to you. You're worth so much more,' Emma almost yelled, attracting a few stares from other customers sitting near them. Regina noticed as a tear slid slowly down her cheek, but the blonde brushed it away quickly, seemingly hoping Regina wouldn't see. 

'Emma, Regina whispered, full of sadness, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry.'

'Its not your fault.'

'It wasn't yours either,' Regina whispered.

'What!?' She saw Emma stare at her, her eyes goggling, and her stress clearly evident. 

'I mean, you don't need to take the blame for this, Regina corrected herself, suddenly frightened by Emma's wide eyes. If you're blaming yourself, don't. Emma this is my doing okay? This is my fault,' Regina whispered sadly, stirring her coffee unnecessarily with a spoon. 

The blondes stress seemed to lessen as she said this, and Regina didn't even want to think about why. 

'Its not your fault. Don't ever say that, Emma said sternly but also so genuinely, Regina looked up and flashed her a sad, but grateful smile. 

'It's never your fault,' Emma whispered, so quiet but Regina could hear, and a tear slid down her rouged cheek and dripped down her chin, and landed in her coffee with a small splash. 

They both sat together, the two women in silence, but they didn't need to say anything, each other's company was enough. 

Regina munched slowly at her sandwich, working her way through it, as if it was some kind of chore, sipping at her coffee every now and then. Without her jacket, she subtly noticed how painfully thin Emma looked in her black turtleneck jumper. She wondered why she had never noticed before. 

'Emma are you okay?' Regina asked gently. She couldn't help but notice how the blonde pulled down her sleeves over her hands as she replied, 

'I'm fine Regina. Thank you,' Emma replied with a weak smile, her eyes still a little red from the tears she'd shed 20 minutes earlier. 

'Emma. Are you sure?' Regina pressed further, cautiously but with worry. 

'Of course, Regina. Look don't worry about me okay. I'm just fine. All you need to worry about is avoiding- him,' the blonde said after a slight pause, the disgust rolling out of her mouth as she said 'him.'

Regina felt that Emma didn't want to talk about whatever else was on her mind, so she didn't push it, but she couldn't help but worry about her anxious looking companion. 

'Okay, she said. But remember, if you need me, call me,' she said with a slight smile, remembering Emma's singing the day before. 

'No matter where you are, no matter how far,' Emma finished with a jokey smile, but she was also sincere, and Regina could tell she meant every word. 

She looked at her clock, suddenly remembering she had to be back fairly soon. 

'Shit, I'm late. Again,' she mumbled to Emma as she saw that time that was displayed. She grabbed her coat and bag, in preparation for the run she was about to make to get back to work on time. 

'Will you be okay?' Emma asked with a strained smile. 

'Of course. Emma,' she replied, and then added:

'Thank you, for lunch. And everything.' 

'Its my pleasure, the blonde replied softly, with a smile. Do you want to meet tomorrow?'

'Of course, Regina said with a toothy smile, I mean, only if you want too,' she added. 

'Definitely,' Emma said with a grin, which pleased Regina as it was a change from her recent anxious expressions. 

'Good, she said to Emma, her smile a little strained now as she thought about how little time she had to get back. I've got to run. And thank you, again,' she said hurriedly to the blonde as she strided away quickly walking as fast as her high heels could allow. 

'For what?' She heard Emma shout from behind her as she reached the top of the stairs and started to head down. 

Oh, Emma, Regina muttered under her breath, do you even need to ask?

As she ran back to work, the closer she got, the more tense she became. She had gotten so tense as she saw the Apple tree coming up ahead at the next corner, She allowed herself to picture one of Emma's smiles as she hurried back inside, dreading the pile of work that lay waiting. But that wasn't all she dreaded as she pressed the button for floor 34 on the lift. As she rushed through the door to her office, she waved to her secretary and shushed her with a finger as she was about to speak. She pushed through the door of her office, clutching her handbag, only to see David leaning against her desk, waiting for her. 

Oh god, she whispered as she felt herself grow faint as she worried about what was in store for her. 

'Regina, what a nice surprise, ' David said with a sickening grin.

'Mr Nolan,' she addressed him, a quiver evident in her voice as she walked passed him and dropped her bag next to her desk, with what she hoped was a confident stride. 

'Nice lunch?' He inquired. She didn't want to play this game. Not now. Not today. 

'Cut the crap, Mr Nolan. What do you want from me?' She spat at him, suddenly furious, with a fire burning brightly in her eyes, even brighter than Emma's. For a moment she thought she saw Mr Nolan a little taken a back, but a smug smile soon replaced her doubt. 

'Feisty today, are we Regina? Well I guess that removes the need for any niceties,' he said with a malice in his voice, which chilled her to the bone. 

She wobbled slightly in her high heels as he walked over towards her, and leaned in, his lips brushing her ear gently. 

'Why don't you take off that lovely shirt of yours, and we'll see how feisty you really are?'


	16. Whether you like it or not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She couldn't sleep. Regina hadn't replied to any of her messages after she had seen the brunette earlier that day at lunch time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, another chapter here!   
> Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was busy with schoolwork. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, there are mild trigger warnings of PTSD from Emma and alcoholism, so please don't read if this could upset you! If you want to talk about anything, then I'm here. 
> 
> Please leave comments/feedback :)

She couldn't sleep. Regina hadn't replied to any of her messages after she had seen the brunette earlier that day at lunch time.

_How was your day? :)_

_Everything okay?_

_Regina?_

_Please, Regina_

She was wondering whether to text her again. The worry had set in, and she couldn't sit still; her hands were limp and shaking, and she kept pacing. She ran her hands through her pale blonde hair, her fingers catching and pulling on knots as she slowly started to loose control. Her chest felt tight like couldn't breathe. She didn't know what to do. But inspiration suddenly struck, and she grabbed an old bottle of vodka from her cupboard, hidden behind the cereal, and a large shot glass from her kitchen cabinet.

She poured the clear liquid into the glass and allowed herself to swill it round. She stared at it for a moment, in a mental battle with herself, until she finally gave in and downed it in one go, feeling the familiar hot liquid burn her throat.

The blonde lay on the couch which was currently littered with wrappers and old papers from work, continually pouring herself shots of vodka. It was about 20 minutes, and 7 shots later that she felt herself going hazy and numb. But she didn't want to stop, oh no, she was going to knock herself out with this stuff as if her life depended on it.

The blonde was about to take another shot when her phone suddenly started vibrating from her pocket. She fumbled clumsily to retrieve it and pressed the green call button with as much concentration as she could muster.

'Hello?' Emma slurred lazily into the phone.

'Emma?' She heard a gentle, but familiar voice on the end of the phone.

'Who'ss this?' The blonde drawled.

'Its Regina. Emma are you drunk?'

She heard a gentle voice say, from what seemed like far away.

'Might be,' Emma mumbled into the phone, sounding mildly indignant.

'Oh, Emma, she heard the brunette say sadly into the phone. Why?'

'Was worried.'

'About what?'

'You,' the blonde mumbled into the phone, and there was a quiet pause in which neither woman said a thing.

'Well, I'm fine,' she heard the voice say from the other end, but something didn't sound right, despite her drunkenness clouding everything.

'No, Emma slurred, whatsa wrong?'

'Im not having this conversation with you now Emma, you sound like you've drunk a whole bottle of vodka. '

The blonde stared at the bottle on top of her magazine stack. It was half empty.

'Not yet, Emma mumbled, pouring more of the hot liquid down her throat as she did so.

'Emma, no. Please don't drink any more. You have work, and you're going to make yourself sick. ' She heard the brunette, but Emma felt so out of it by then, she couldn't stop herself, and she didn't even care.

'Don't care,' she muttered crossly into the phone as she abandoned her shot glass and took a swig from the bottle itself.

'Emma.' She heard a slight sob coming from the phone as the brunette choked out her name.

'Whats wrong R'gina?' Gaining a little clarity as the brunette started to sob, a slight fluttering entered her chest that the alcohol hadn't combated yet.

'Nothing Emma, she heard her whisper, just stop.'

'Why should I?' She muttered, from under a steadily growing alcoholic haze.

'You're going to end up hurting yourself,' the brunette said emotionally, her voice cracking as she tried to reason with the blonde.

'Nobody cares anyway,' she whispered into the phone, staring into the blurry darkness of her empty apartment.

'Oh Emma, I care,' she heard Regina whisper.

'No, the blonde mumbled, no you don't. Nobody does,' she whispered as the tears started to fall, and a drop suddenly became a waterfall.

'Emma where do you live?' She heard the brunette say all of a sudden.

'What?'

'Im coming over. Tell me where you live.' The brunette had a sudden sense of authority and determination in her voice, that Emma hadn't noticed before.

'No, the blonde slurred, you can't see me.'

'Why ever not Emma, it's not like you're taking care of yourself right now. I'm going to take care of you.' She heard the brunette speak with sincerity, but things were getting oh so hazy.

'No, she whispered indignantly, as the tears continued to fall, you don't really care.'

'Emma, please. Tell me.' She heard a pleading in her voice, that even drunk Emma couldn't refuse.

'28, Blanchard Brooke, she slurred out laboriously, flat, um, it's flat thingymajig,' Emma couldn't for the life of her think what number it was.

'I'll figure it out,' she heard the brunette mutter as the line went dead. She allowed the phone to drop to the floor as she stared around her dingy apartment, the blackness separating into little pixels as she stared indefinitely for she didn't know how long.

A loud buzz from the door shifted her back into reality, as she realised with a sudden, choking fear that Regina was here. Her stomach lurched as she stumbled to the door, to press the intercom, to let her in. She waited, trying to hold in her stomach long enough to open her front door. There was a swift knock, and as soon as Emma opened the door, she ran to the bathroom, holding herself above the toilet in preparation for what was to come.

'Emma?' She heard Regina shout from her main room.

'Here,' she mumbled, as she began to throw up into the toilet bowl uncontrollably. She felt a soft hand, gentle on her back, pulling her hair away from her face, to avoid getting it covered. She tried pulling away, but Regina's firm hands continued to hold up her hair, and rest on her back as she threw up some more. She realised she couldn't do anything until she had stopped throwing up, but god she felt light headed, like she was going to pass out.

After what felt like hours, the blonde seemed to have thrown up her entire food intake for the past week, and it was now the early hours of the morning. She was still dressed in her soft black turtleneck and work pants but she lay collapsed over the toilet bowl feeling to weak to move.

'Emma? The brunette whispered gently, do you think you can get in to bed yourself?'

The blonde let out a groan as her head throbbed, a few tears dribbled from her eyes as she subconsciously thought about what a fool she was being and in disgust at herself at how she let Regina see her so vulnerable.

'Emma I'm going to try and lift you up okay?' The brunette whispered, trying to calm Emma, as she leaned in to carry her fragile body. All the blonde could see was an advancing figure and she suddenly felt paralyzed with fear.

'Don't touch me,' she tried screamed out, but it came out as barely a whisper from her red raw throat.

'Emma I need to get you in to bed, it's going to be okay,' she heard her whisper but Emma was no longer listening.

'Please don't, she whispered as more tears dribbled down her pale cheeks.

'I'm sorry, Emma,' she heard her whispered as she felt herself being carried from the bathroom, into the darkness of her bedroom. Regina's finger tips burned into her skin, and she felt every line pressing into her, hurting her. She tried to wriggle out of her grasp, but Regina was holding on tight as she maneuvered Emma quickly to her littered bed. She suddenly felt the soft fabric of her duvet with her hands, and she clutched them tightly, never wanting to let go.

'Do you have any pajamas Emma?' She heard Regina ask, but she was now too tired to reply and simply nodded her head. She heard a shuffling about her room, and a bright light suddenly shone above her, making her head throb horrendously.

'Emma I'm going to put you in some pyjamas okay?' she heard Regina say faintly. The blonde felt a slight tugging at her legs as Regina tried to ease off her trousers. But she also felt her fingers burn through the fabric of her pants, and she squirmed with anxiety. With all the remaining strength she had, she kicked her legs around, preventing Regina from doing anything.

'Please, Emma. Can you just cooperate with me? She sounded tired, but so was Emma. Tired of fighting, but not quite done.

Although the blonde was exhausted, with little strength remaining, she wriggled off her bed, and onto the floor, landing with a thump, as she attempted to wriggle out of Regina's grasp. But she wasn't quite fast enough. Regina sat carefully and quickly down in front of her, preventing her from moving further away to the bathroom, to lock herself away.

'Emma, what are you doing?' She heard a voice above her whispering, it sounded fragmented, like she was young, and afraid of something hiding under the bed.

'Please don't,' Emma whispered, laying still on her carpet, in front of Regina, refusing to lift her head towards her.

'Please don't, what Emma? I'm only trying to be here for you, I'm trying to help. Tell me what's wrong.'

'Don't touch me, the blonde whimpered, please don't hurt me.'

'Emma I'm not going to hurt you, she heard Regina whisper, gently laying a hand on her head as she did so. Emma merely shook her hand off, and curled up into a tiny ball, a tiny little black coccoon, and cradled herself. She needed to feel safe again.

'Emma, just let me help,' Regina said quietly and Emma felt her try and pick her up again. She squirmed and wriggled as far away from Regina is possible into the far corner of her room, by the bed.

'Im not going to try and touch you anymore Emma, If you want to sleep here, sure, she heard the brunette whisper with a sigh from above, but I'm staying with you whether you like it or not.'

Emma heard Regina curl up next to her, and in her last moments of consciousness, she felt the brunette snuggle closer towards her, her warmth radiating over Emma's body as she fell unconscious, into another realm of dreaming.

 


	17. Unquiet nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She couldn't sleep much that night, she still felt him on her, his fingers rubbing all over her skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I'm back again with another chapter, I hope you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> Trigger warnings here for sexual assault and PTSD so please don't read if this could trigger you or upset you in any way. 
> 
> Any feedback/ comments would be greatly appreciated. I hope you guys like how the story is going. Thanks for reading!

She couldn't sleep much that night, she still felt him on her, his fingers rubbing all over her skin.

And then there was Emma. Oh Emma, she whispered as she stared into the pitch dark of the room at the pale blonde huddled in the corner of the messy room, her arms wrapped tightly around her ribs, protecting herself, even in sleep. She wondered what happened to make her like this. Just thinking about it made her eyes well up.

She couldn't help but reach over and hold the limp hand of the blonde, pale streaky grey in the moonlight. It was so cold, so she held it tighter and rubbed it gently. A single tear escaped, but she pushed it away. She suddenly felt awfully alone in this dark silence.

Slowly she stood up, smoothed out her skirt and blouse, and turned on a small light in Emma's kitchen. It was littered with rubbish and piles of books and magazines. It seemed this woman was a bit of a hoarder. She started to clean up a bit, she knew she wasn't going to be getting any more sleep, so she may as well do something useful with it. Her hands shook as she cleared the decks. Finding some bleach and disinfectant in the cupboard she wiped all Emma's surfaces, the poignant stench ripped through her nostrils as the tears began to fall.

_'David. No,' Regina whispered as her face paled in a matter of seconds._

_'Now now Regina, remember what we discussed,' David said, with a teasing in his voice, as he stared at her whitened face with a grin plastered on his face._

_'You know I can't do that, she whispered. David please.'_

_'Well if you don't, I will,' he said, as he reached towards her blouse, and popped open the first button. She squirmed under his touch._

_'David,' she pleaded._

_'Do you want to live in a gutter Regina? Because that's what will happen if you're fired. No references. No nothing. So participate,' he spat at her, with a grin that was nothing beyond evil._

_She looked down as a tear slid down her cheek._

_'You do want this job, don't you Regina?'_

_'Yes, David,' she whispered._

_'Good,' he said with a satisfied smile. He reached for the next button on her blouse, and she looked away as more tears slid down her face. He worked his way slowly down her blouse until all the buttons were undone, revealing her lilac lace bra. He caressed her skin with his fingers as he slipped of her shirt, leaving it draped on her office chair. She felt exposed, her arms and stomach covered in tiny goose bumps. She felt David stare at her smooth, tanned skin. He brushed his fingers over her, making her feel like she was going to throw up._

_'Why don't we take this to the next level? He asked Regina, or more commanded her. Get on the couch,' he ordered._

_She walked slowly, her legs wobbling and perched herself on the seat, and crossed her legs._

_'Now now Regina, you know perfectly well that's not what I asked, he said with a devious smile, now lie on the couch.'_

_She didn't move. She sat rigid, but shaking with fear, staring at the floor. It was a moment later that he strode over, and pushed her down, roughly, covering her mouth with his large hand, so she couldn't scream. She wriggled as he sat himself upon her, more tears spilling from her lids._

_'Now Regina, be a good girl and stop fidgeting,' David said as he removed his hand from upon her mouth. She lay still, as she stared into his eyes, in a silent pleading, but he ignored her completely._

_He sat back and pulled on her skirt, yanking it down by her ankles, and slipped it off. By this point Regina had closed her eyes, but she could still feel David's fingers up and down her body. She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt him touch her all over, and remove her underwear, and the last part of her dignity._

_As the tears dripped off her lashes she thought of those soft green eyes that she thought of when she needed comfort. She couldn't hold her cries any longer, and a loud whimper escaped her lips._

_She heard David shouting encouragement, taking pleasure in her, it felt so wrong when she was so miserable, and so full of disgust. Thank god her office was soundproof. But it hurt. God it hurt. She wondered why no one had come in, why no one even wondered what she was doing, why no one came to help. Because nobody cared, she realized. That's why. That's why her boss was lying on top of her. That's why he was taking advantage of her. That's why she could never have the woman she loved._

She slid down Emma's kitchen counter, the tears overflowing as she rubbed herself down, trying to remove the feeling of David's hands over her body.

She suddenly heard a soft sob from the other side of the room, and she looked up, slowly.

'Emma?' She whispered into the darkness.

'R'gina? You're still here?' She heard Emma mumble.

She got up on her feet, and stumbled towards the blonde, 'Are you okay?' She asked gently, crouching down beside her.

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. You didn't have to-'

'Of course I had to. That's what friends do. And we are friends. Okay?' Regina replied softly, with a weak smile.

'Im sorry,' the blonde whispered sadly.

'Don't be sorry, Emma,' she whispered as a tear slid down her cheek. She brushed it away swiftly but Emma seemed to notice.

'Regina what's wrong?' Emma whispered.

'Nothing, she said, and repeated again, nothing don't worry about me. What about you? How are you feeling?'

'Ugh if I'm honest, I have a throbbing headache, she laughed softly, rubbing her head with circular motions.

'Maybe you should take a sick day, Regina suggested gently.

Emma smiled weakly, 'That's probably best, she muttered. What time is it?'

'I think it's about 4.30am,' Regina whispered softly, staring at Emma's glowing clock.

'Why don't you go home? And get some rest before you have to go to work?' She heard Emma whisper. But just the mention of work flashed images of David into her mind which caused a few more tears to slide down.

'Emma, I don't want to leave you, she whispered. You obviously can't take care of yourself,' she muttered, as she sat, scrunched up next to the blonde.

'Why didn't you answer your phone?' The blonde whispered quietly into the early morning darkness.

'Im sorry, Emma,' she whispered softly, bending her head in shame.

'Regina what happened?' She heard the blonde whisper, with a new panic in her voice.

'Nothing, she choked out, but she couldn't stop the tears from pouring out. I'm sorry I didn't text you back. I'm sorry,' she whispered, burying her head in her hands.

'Did he touch you again? If I did I'm going to fucking kill him, she heard from beside her, Emma's voice growling with anger.

'He's just doing what I deserve,' she whispered, as more tears dribbled down.

'No. Regina. We discussed this.'

There was a pause, and the silence was so loud it was deafening.

'What did he do?' she heard Emma whisper as she felt a hand pressed lightly on her back. She wanted to scream. But she reminded herself it was only Emma. She could barely breathe.

'I should go,' she whispered as the tears cascaded in a waterfall.

'No Regina don't go, please.'

'I can't do this right now Emma, she turned to face her with fire in her eyes, you're still drunk, I don't even know how we've had a proper conversation right now, but we've both had little to no sleep so this really isn't the time.'

'Just stay.'

'Look at us Emma. This isn't good, this isn't how life should have been.'

'How is this not good? Don't you see how you make me happy?'

'Oh, Emma,' she whispered, and without thinking she buried her head in the blondes chest, and she felt strong arms holding her tight, but it wasn't a bad tight, it was warm, and gentle, and comforting.

'Lets go to bed, she heard Emma mumble into her hair, and reluctantly she moved up, and on to Emma's bed, the blonde still holding her tightly. She lay curled up and felt soft covers being placed over her, and Emma's warmth radiating from beside her.

'Emma-'

'No Regina. Like you said, this is what friends do. You don't have to talk about him. I just want you to be okay. You helped me, so let me help you,' she whispered quietly and Regina felt her snuggle down beside her, and felt her breath gently on her face.

'I really should-'

'No Regina. Let's just be here. In this moment. Together. Okay?'

'Okay,' Regina mumbled into Emma's soft hair, as they both lay curled up together in the quiet of the night

 


	18. They are broken women

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma's eyes flicked open at the sound of her alarm blaring out. She looked around, and in her arms lay Regina's fragile body. Her deep brown hair was slightly tangled and her makeup, which she had forgotten to remove, was smudged around her face. The blonde turned off the alarm quickly, so she could wake the brunette up herself. She looked tired, and restless in sleep as if what she was dreaming about wasn't pleasant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another sad chapter guys, I'm sorry! 
> 
> There's still a lot of this story to come, and I hope you guys are enjoying it, let me know in the comments as usual :3
> 
> Trigger warnings for PTSD in this chapter, so please don't read if this could trigger you. Thank you all for sticking with me!

Emma's eyes flicked open at the sound of her alarm blaring out. She looked around, and in her arms lay Regina's fragile body. Her deep brown hair was slightly tangled and her makeup, which she had forgotten to remove, was smudged around her face. The blonde turned off the alarm quickly, so she could wake the brunette up herself. She looked tired, and restless in sleep as if what she was dreaming about wasn't pleasant. 

She shook her gently, in attempt to awaken the brunette. She didn't want her to be late for work. Regina's eyes slowly opened, and she blinked, seemingly confused in her unfamiliar surroundings in a single moment of forgetfulness. A few seconds later, Emma noticed the deep brown eyes filled with emotion.

'Regina?' The blonde whispered. 

'Emma?, she looked up into Emma's eyes, and the blonde could see that she was remembering last nights events. She finally inquired, What time is it?' 

'Its 6.00am,' Emma replied, gently rubbing her hand through Regina's silky hair; she couldn't help herself. 

'Crap, she heard Regina mutter. Can I use your bathroom?'

'Sure. Take a shower. You can use a towel, also feel free to borrow my crappy makeup.'

'Thanks,' the brunette replied with a soft smile. She rose slowly from the bed, and walked in the direction of the bathroom. 

'Oh Regina?'

She turned, and looked at Emma. 

'Yes?'

'If it kinda smells like my vomit, please feel free to use some disinfectant,' the blonde replied with a small smile. A hint of guilt played on her lips. 

'Sure,' the brunette replied, a small smile also returned to Emma. 

She heard the shower being turned on as she surveyed the room. It was a tip. Her bottle of vodka still lay on the side. Just looking at it made her head throb. Although the memory of last night was a little hazy round the edges, she still remembered Regina trying to undress her, and her kicking her away. She couldn't allow herself to get drunk on that level again. She couldn't let Regina see her. She traced the scars on her arm through her sweater and through her wrinkled trousers with a sigh. She couldn't let her get that close, even if she wanted to. 

She grabbed the bottle and quickly took another swig in an attempt to ease her mind, despite her painful headache. The headache only seemed to worsen with more alcohol, so she poured the rest down the sink, taking note of her bleach smelling kitchen. Maybe Regina did it? A small smile appeared on her face as she thought of the brunette, but it didn't last long as she remembered her tears from the night before.   
Why had she been crying?   
What had made her so upset? 

She glanced over at the clock, and it read 6.32am meaning that Regina had been in the shower for over half an hour. She listened out, and could still hear it's gentle hum. 

The blonde walked over and knocked loudly on the door. 

'Regina?' She yelled, hoping the brunette would reply. 

'Regina is everything okay?' 

The blondes panic began to grow as she received nothing. 

'Regina I'm coming in, okay?' She yelled as she yanked open the door to the bathroom slowly, to allow Regina to grab a towel if necessary. 

She saw her crouched in the shower, her skin rubbed red raw. She had her hands wrapped around her and her legs were pulled up tightly. 

'Regina?' Emma whispered, causing the brunette's frightened eyes to move to hers. 

The brunette however made no attempt to move. 

The blonde moved cautiously to the shower, turning off the main switch causing the water water to trickle and stop. It was on the highest setting the blonde noticed, it must have been boiling her, and scaling her skin. Emma opened the door to the shower gently, and sat in front of the pink heap that was Regina. She was crying a lot and now that the water had stopped running, Emma could tell which were tears. 

'Gina, Emma whispered, what's wrong?' 

She tried to avoid looking at the brunette. She didn't think she'd want her to.

'Come on, Emma whispered softly, and reached in for the her, her hands meeting steamy hot flesh. Regina flinched, but made not attempt to move Emma's hands. With all her strength, she managed to maneuver Regina out of the shower without exposing her too much. She grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it tightly round her, and simply held her as she cried. For Emma this was an all too familiar sight, and she couldn't help but feel the tears spring into her own eyes and fall down her cheeks as she witnessed Regina going through the same thing she had. 

'Did he hurt you?' She whispered, but Regina didn't reply. The tears pouring down her cheeks led Ema to assume the worst. 

'Ssh, it's okay, it's all okay,' Emma whispered soothingly in Regina's ear as she stroked her hair gently, although water was soaking her turtleneck, she didn't care. 

'Please don't make me go, she heard Regina mumble into her chest. 

'Where Regina? Work?'

The brunette nodded her head, and continued to sob quietly into Emma. 

'You can't let him beat you Gina, Emma whispered softly, you're so strong.'

'Im not, she choked to Emma, if I go in, what's to stop him from doing it again?' 

'You. You can stop him. I believe in you, Regina,' she said confidently to her, pulling her up slightly to stare into her eyes so she knew that she meant it. 

'You really think so?' The brunette whispered, staring at Emma with wonder. 

'Of course, she said with a reassuring smile. 

'How you have this much faith in me, I'll never know, you must still be drunk out of your mind, she whispered but a small smile played on her lips and her tears started to slow. You make me happy too,' she added, as she hugged Emma tightly once more. 

'Will you go in for me?' Emma coaxed gently, stroking her hair as she asked, to calm the other woman. 

'Okay,' the brunette whispered, accompanied by a sad smile. 

'Oh and make sure you kick David's ass,' Emma said, grinning at Regina's amused expression. 

'I hope you mean that literally.'

'I wouldn't have it any other way.'

'Good, Regina replied. 

'I have some clothes if you want to borrow some,' Emma suggested gently. 

'Oh yeah, thank you, Regina said as she looked down at herself and remember we she was wearing little to nothing. A bright red blush rose in her cheeks as she did so. 

Emma looked down at her, a heap on the floor, and was reminded of herself. She couldn't remember how many nights she'd spent like this, but it was too many. 

'Regina, Emma whispered softly, please don't do that again.'

'What?' The brunette whispered into Emma's hair. 

'Make me scared, Emma whispered. You can make me angry, you can make me sad, and by all means make me happy, but oh god please don't make me worry for your safety.'

'Only if you can promise the same,' Regina whispered as she looked up, painfully staring into Emma's eyes, waiting for a reply. 

She couldn't keep contact with Regina's gaze as it was so intense it was burning out Emma's retinas. She looked away and gently whispered, 'okay,' which seemed to satisfy the brunette, at least for now. 

After a moment, Emma finally said, ' I'll grab you some clothes then,' as she stood up slowly, allowing Regina time to keep herself steady. 

'Thank you,' she heard Regina whisper as she turned away and headed back to her bedroom. She grabbed a cream turtleneck and some grey trousers from her clean clothes draw, and pushed them through the door, accompanied by a 'Here,' from Emma, and a 'Thank you,' from Regina. 

The brunette came out 15 minutes later with a fresh layer or makeup, looking amazingly renewed, and pristine (not like she'd been sobbing recently,) wearing her borrowed clothes and Emma couldn't help but think she looked incredibly sexy in her second hand sweater. 

'Do I look okay?'Regina asked hesitantly.

'More than okay! Emma replied with a grin, and a rosy blush as Regina gave her a toothy smile in return. 

'The train leaves soon, you should probably get going,' Emma said regretfully. She didn't want Regina to go. 

'Yeah, I guess,' Regina whispered, a twinge of sadness present in her voice also that Emma assumed was about David. 

'Have a good day, Regina, Emma said with a weak smile. And don't forget I'm only a phone call away.'

'Okay, Regina replied. And Emma?'

'Yeah?'

'Thank you.'

Emma guffawed, 'there's no need to thank me, I should be the one thanking you. It's been a hell of a day,' she muttered sadly, staring into her lap. 

'I guess we look after each other, Regina replied, gently cupping Emma's chin with her hand as if she couldn't resist. She let go and smiled softly. 

'See you later, Emma.'

'Bye Regina.'

She watched as Regina left her apartment, leaving her alone in the early morning light, that streamed through her curtains. She sighed and flipped back under the covers, hoping that sleep would engulf her soon.


	19. Strong Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as she left Emma's apartment, she regretted it. The wind blew her freshly washed hair around her face in wisps and blew inside her coat. She tightened the belt of her cotton ran trench coat, to keep out the wind. Despite leaving Emma's late, her brisk walking had lead her to arrive at the train station 5 minutes early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. 
> 
> Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I've been super busy. 
> 
> This chapter has serious trigger warnings for rape. Please don't read if it could upset you. It upset me just writing it. Hope you guys like this chapter, please give me some feedback. Don't worry my fic will have a happy ending if you're concerned. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

As soon as she left Emma's apartment, she regretted it. The wind blew her freshly washed hair around her face in wisps and blew inside her coat. She tightened the belt of her cotton ran trench coat, to keep out the wind. Despite leaving Emma's late, her brisk walking had lead her to arrive at the train station 5 minutes early.

From the train café she quickly grabbed a lukewarm takeout coffee, to make her feel a little more awake.

'Emma,' she muttered under her breath, as she thought about yesterday night. Her heart was beating fast as she waited for the train, her eyes welling with tears as she thought of the way the blonde had cried out to her. She didn't know what to do, her mind raced as the thoughts spilled all over as she tried to keep in the tears.

She just couldn't get Emma's cries out of her head. What had happened to make her like that? But oh Regina could imagine all too well. She guessed there was a reason Emma hadn't told her, most likely because she didn't want to talk about it. And Regina understood that she had to give her time, and space for it.

As the train pulled up, she felt lonely all of a sudden, she felt alone, knowing that Emma wouldn't be there to accompany her on the journey. As she got on, she sat alone, on their usual seat by the window, with her headphones in, and Beethoven playing as loud as it could possibly go. The train wasn't busy thankfully, she now knew how Emma felt about crowds. If someone touched her right now, she felt like she would scream. Despite her shower she still felt incredibly unclean, and her skin felt slightly sore from the temperature she had washed it under. She shook the moment from her mind. It was weak of her to do that, and she needed to be strong right now, for Emma.

Staring at her phone, she thought of texting her, but she might be asleep by now, the hangover must have put her under quite heavily. She couldn't be so selfish, she couldn't let her own needs prevent Emma from a good sleep.

The train journey lasted an eternity without Emma, even the gentle mellow notes of Beethoven's symphony couldn't calm the brunette's nerves. As the train pulled into the station, Regina felt her stomach drop, as the skyline that had once felt so exciting now filled her with dread of what was to come.

She was early to work that morning despite the fact that the train journey seemed to take years instead of hours. She arrived promptly at 8.25am. Breezily striding past her secretary, she walked into her office, ignoring her secretary's good morning. There was only one thing she could think about right now, and that was David. Her gentle thoughts of Emma now long gone, yet the worry still present. She was afraid also. Afraid of what happened to the blonde, but right now, there wasn't anything she was more afraid of than confronting David.

When she opened the door to her office, she almost expected him to be there, waiting for her, but thankfully, he was not.

Running her fingers through her hair, she sat down slowly on her chair, images flashing in her mind of the last time she was here. She tried to shake them from her mind. She needed to get through this. The last thing she needed right now was to break down, and she felt close. She couldn't look at the couch without feeling David's fingers touching her all over as he lay upon her. The heart beat raced as the tears pooled. She couldn't do this, not now, not today.

She fumbled with her phone, her hands shaking over Emma's number, wobbling as if she was drunk. She couldn't possibly type anything like this, and her morning coffee had only made her more jittery.

Her hands continued to shake more vigorously as she heard a gentle knock on the door.

'Come in,' she called out, a tremble in her voice present as she feared the worst. To her relief, when the door opened it was only Belle, her secretary.

'Hello Miss Mills, she said with a smile as she walked in with a spring in her step, and placed a pile of papers on her desk.

'Thank you, Belle,' she whispered, looking down and hiding her hands, to avoid the other woman seeing her discomfort. She didn't however seem to hide it very well.

'Why Miss Mills, is there something wrong?' She asked gently, a hint of concern on her face as she sensed there was something up.

'No, Miss French, I'm fine,' she said in an attempt to be reassuring.

'You look ill, maybe you should go home?' Belle suggested with a genuine concern. She hadn't realised that she had grown fond of this woman for the year or so that she had been her secretary.

'Don't worry Belle, I only have a slight headache. Nothing to worry about,' Regina replied calmly, returning her smile with what she hoped was a convincing one.

'If you're sure Miss Mills,' she replied with a polite smile, and turned to leave.

'Oh, Belle?' 'Yes Miss Mills, what is it?' 'Im sorry I didn't say hello this morning, the brunette added, I was in my own little world,' she said to Belle, with another smile.

'Don't worry about it Miss Mills, let me know if you need anything.'

'Thank you,' Regina replied, her paleness returning as soon as she'd left the room. She was alone once more.

She picked up her phone and dialled Emma's number. She hadn't realised she'd memorised it until now. Her finger paused over the call button. Surely Emma would want her to call? Or maybe not. The brunette was conflicted. She fought with herself until she firmly exited the call screen. She couldn't let Emma know. She had to let her rest, after all she had had a rough night too.

She typed out emails slowly and carefully, her hands still shaking at the threat of David entering any moment. She slowly got through her recent inbox, and started on the files that Belle had given her earlier. She distracted herself and soon found her businesslike framework turning on. She had just got into a routine when the phone rang from beside her, making her jump.

'Hello?' 'Hi Miss Mills, Mr Nolan is here to see you. I told him to wait as you weren't feeling so great but he is insisting it's important.'

'Thank you Belle, she said as the contents of her stomach almost spilled off her lips. She could almost feel his presence through the wall. I remember David and I had a meeting planned this morning, she lied spontaneously, please send him in, and make sure we are not disturbed.'

Her voice cracked on the final word as she waited in silence for him to enter. Her senses were out of control; she could feel every hair stand on end as her brain fabricated his hands all over her. She waited in fear of what it would be this time. On hearing the door open, she looked down. She didn't trust her stomach to obey her when she saw him. She knew it would be too much.

'Miss Mills. A pleasure as always.'

Even his voice, every syllable made her tingle with fear and disgust. Just the way he said her name was enough. Without looking up she slid off her chair and hung her head over the bin, and vomited.

'Aw not feeling well are we? Does my presence make you feel that sick.? Oh Regina.'

His voice was literally dripping with malice. She continued to throw up in the bin uncontrollably.

'Please, she whispered, her voice trembling, tell Miss French I am feeling unwell and will be requiring a taxi home.'

'I will do nothing of the sort. I haven't had my fill of you just yet,' she heard him say from above her, sounding very close now. She felt his breath on her hair, gentle, but enough to make her squirm.

When she had stopped throwing up, she felt his hand on the back of her head, and he twisted her round to face him, still crouched on the ground. She stared into his cold eyes and it took all her strength not to turn away and continue throwing up in the bin. She felt small, weak and vulnerable. It was hard to stand up as her legs had turned to jelly, but she attempted it, until she was thrust back down by David.

'I didn't say you could get up,' he said with hatred oozing from his very being. She tried to be strong, but his face, his voice, his everything was too much for her to handle. She couldn't do this anymore. She sunk to the ground, too weak to move as the tears quietly poured out.

She didn't even whimper as she felt her trousers being ripped off.

She didn't even let out a cry when he roughly pulled off Emma's soft, cream turtleneck and dumped it next to her in a steadily growing pile of clothes.

She didn't even protest as he pulled her apart, and forced her legs open, tightly pinning her arms down by her sides in one swift, aggressive movement.

She tried not to listen, but it was all she could hear. Pain seared through her as she let him control her, and take her body for himself. She hoped she would pass out, but no such luck. Her heart was beating uncontrollably. When he finally pulled away, she didn't dare look at his face. She knew it would be smug. She knew he would be happy to see her in this way. Broken.

He stayed staring at her naked, crumpled body, the pain of his eyes almost as much as her physical pain.

'Did you like that my love?'

'I am not your love,' she whispered, her voice hoarse, but still managing to retain a sliver of anger even in her present state.

'What did you say Regina?' He asked her, as he lay down beside her on the floor, forcing her to look at him when she replied.

'You heard me,' she whispered. She wasn't sure where this was even coming from.

'Oh honey, you don't know what you're saying. No one will ever love you. You're a worthless company employee who is sleeping with her boss. You're not even that good at sex.' David whisper to her, as if she was a young, naive child, his voice oozing with patronization.

'This isn't sex.'

'Well then what is it?'

'Rape,' her throat choked out with force, because it was such a strong word, and she hadn't wanted to admit this to herself, but it sliced through the still air and left a definite mark.

'How dare you, David whispered, a growl entering his voice that was intensely frightening. You want this Regina. You can't deny it.'

She lay still, her face stony in the silence after he spoke, her body still lying crumpled, tossed on the floor. She hadn't attempted to move.

'You bitch,' David roared as he climbed on top of her already weak body and began to hit her, harder and harder until finally, the pain became too much and the darkness surrounded her.

When she awoke she was still lying on the floor, but now she was clothed she realised as she blinked into the artificial light. She flinched as she saw a face blurring into her eye line, but it became clearer gradually and she realised it was only Belle.

'Miss Mills!, she cried as she saw Regina's eyes flicker open. Mr Nolan said you'd collapsed during your meeting, I wasn't sure what to do so I called the buildings nurse to see if you're okay. Is your head still hurting?' The woman babbled quickly and it took Regina a moment to process what had been said.

'Im fine Miss French, although perhaps you could call me a taxi home. I don't think I could do anymore work today.' She longed to rip of her clothes and take a thousand hot showers. Her whole body felt sore and aching but she didn't dare examine what David had done until she was safely at home.

'Are you sure you don't want me to take you to hospital or something?' Belle inquired, laying a hand gently on Regina's as she tried to manoeuvre herself up onto her desk. She flinched at her touched and pulled away quickly, relying on her own fragile body to pull her up and allow her to carry on going.

'No, thank you. As I said, I'm fine. Please just call me a taxi,' she said firmly, avoiding Belle's gaze as she slid carefully back into her office chair. Picking up her phone this time she could stop herself. She typed out a text and pressed send before she could change her mind.

_Emma?_

_Hey. Sorry just woke up. How r things? :)_

_Can I come over?_

_Of course. When?_

_I'm getting a taxi back now._

_Okay._

It was a moment later when another text arrived.

_What's wrong?_

_Nothing_

_Don't lie to me Regina_

_Not now. Maybe later. Please_

_Okay. I'll see you soon_

She slipped her phone into her trouser pocket and packed up her stuff, ready for when Belle informed her of the taxi.

She popped her head round the door, 'Miss Mills your taxi is here.'

'Thank you Belle, if anyone calls please let me know. My number can be found in the staff directory. '

'Okay Miss Mills, I hope you feel better soon.'

'Thank you Miss French,' she replied with a grateful smile. She knew it was at least an hours drive to StoryBrooke, and she couldn't bare to think about how much that would cost. Luckily for her, she had at least $150 in her purse which she had taken out for the shopping. It would have to wait.

As she slid into the cab, she waved the notes at the cab driver and told him Emma's address. She held back the tears once more as she stared out the window to the bustling streets of Boston. She had been filled with wonder when she first arrived here. Storybrooke was too small for her, but maybe she had tried to be too big too soon.

When she finally reached Emma's apartment, she shoved two 50's into the cab drivers hand as she rushed out and buzzed in Emma's apartment.

When the door opened she raced up the stairs as fast as her legs could carry her. When the door to Emma's apartment opened, her legs finally gave way. She felt herself being caught by strong arms as she fell through the door. Emma held her as the tears spilled, and she cried, and cried until she didn't feel like she had any tears left.

 

 


	20. Broken promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she opened the door, Regina crashed into her arms, so hard she almost pushed Emma to the ground. Her tears were pouring out of her eyes in floods staining her rosy cheeks, soaking Emma's tank. All she could do was hold her tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, 
> 
> Another chapter. Trigger warning for anxiety/ PTSD and a whole lot of heartbreak. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, feedback is always appreciated!

When she opened the door, Regina crashed into her arms, so hard she almost pushed Emma to the ground. Her tears were pouring out of her eyes in floods staining her rosy cheeks, soaking Emma's tank. All she could do was hold her tight. After a few minutes, Regina began to get heavy so she slowly moved her over to the bed in the centre of the room. Laying down carefully, she positioned the brunette in what she hoped was a comfortable position. 

'We're beginning to make a habit of this, aren't we?' Emma whispered softly, gently stroking the brunette's hair as she did so, in a soothing motion. 

She heard nothing from Regina, only heartbreaking sobs that pulled at Emma's heart; she also she'd a few tears at the brunette's obvious pain. 

'Gina, what happened?' She said calmly, although she really wasn't feeling it. 

'He did it again, Regina choked. And I let him.' 

Emma's stomach churned at Regina's words, but she only held her tighter. 

'You can't let him. Regina please, Emma whispered, with sadness and pleading evident in her voice. You promised me you wouldn't let me worry.'

'Im worried about you too,' she heard Regina say quietly, in between her wrenching cries. 

'You don't need to be, Emma whispered reassuringly, I'm right here.' 

Regina looked up, her sobs gone for a moment, but her eyes still drowning in soft brown pools of sadness. 

'You don't like crowds, you don't like being touched, not even by me. Don't deny it Emma I can tell. You're also so painfully thin you could slice paper. So please don't ask me not to worry about you, because all it does is make me more worried.'

Emma was taken aback, Regina's gaze was sincere and she stared for a moment into Emma's eyes, as if searching for answers. When Emma made no attempt to reply, Regina sat back, her head in Emma's lap, holding onto her tightly, desperately, as if she couldn't bear to let go. 

A single tear slid down Emma's cheek. Regina was worried about her. That meant she cared. But the care hurt her, it piled up the underlying guilt that already felt like it was eating her alive. Gnawing at her gradually, until one day, she would disappear. 

'Please, don't worry, Emma said quietly into the deadly silence. I don't think I can cope if you're worried.'

'Well tough,' Regina muttered from where she lay in Emma's lap. 

There wasn't anything she could do. Well there was, but she didn't want to think about that. She couldn't let Regina get this close to her, she couldn't worry. Emma knew what anxiety felt like, and it felt like hell. She didn't want that for Regina. 

She slowly moved Regina's head off of her lap, and stood up. 

'Emma?' The brunette sat up, confused. 

'Please leave,' Emma whispered, staring at the floor, not daring to look Regina in the eye. 

'What?'

'I said, please leave.'

'Im sorry, did I do something wrong?'

Emma heard the brunette's voice wobble with emotion. But she had to end this, before it got any further. Regina deserved someone much better than her. Someone who could love her back as she deserved. 

'No. It's me. Just go, please.'

'Emma, no,' she heard Regina plead from the bed.

'Please don't make this harder. Just go.'

'Emma why are you saying these things?' Regina sounded wounded, and Emma could tell she was crying. But so was she, she realized. 

'You deserve someone better than me.'

'No, Emma. That's not true. You're so much more than you think you are,' Regina whispered. Emma felt her hand being grabbed, but she didn't hold on, and let her hand fall back by her side. 

'I can't help you Regina. You see, I'm broken. And I can't fix you. No matter how much you think I can.' 

'Emma. Please. You're scaring me.'

'Im not your savior. I can't help you. You deserve better. Someone who can hold you without being afraid. Someone who can comfort you without being haunted. I'm a fucking mess, Regina!' 

She finally looked up and yelled Regina's name, staring at Regina's pale expression, the tears now overflowing down the cheeks of both of the women. 

'Emma, you're everything,' Regina whispered, trying to grab her hands again, but Emma pushed her away. If she was to do this, she had to break it off completely. Who was she kidding, they were never a thing in the first place. Their was no 'them.'

'You'll find somebody else to be that person. I just can't be.'

'But what about us? Our lunches, our train journeys, our....our-'

'There is no us, Regina! There is you, who is fucking perfect, unlike me, who's a screw up, so don't patronize me, please leave.'

'But I need you, Regina whispered, her eyes staring into Emma's, boring into her very soul. 

'You don't need me.'

'But..what about David?'

'You can beat him without my help. You're fucking strong, you don't need me to tell you that. Just kick the bastards ass.'

'Emma I don't want to live without you,' the brunette cried out, the tears coming thick and fast. 

'You're going to have to. I can't have anyone worrying about me. Now please just get the fuck out of my apartment, before I never let you go,'

Regina stood where she was, and folded her arms, as if she refused to move. 

'Just go, Emma pleaded, the tears coming out like a waterfall. Please Regina.'

The brunette picked up her bag, that Emma had placed by the door, and stared at Emma, her sobs heart wrenching as if to say a silent goodbye. 

When the door slammed, Emma stood alone, the tears flowing out of her. She felt like she was drowning. 

She grabbed some vodka, and poured a shot.


	21. Emma and David

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn't think she would ever stop crying as she left Emma's apartment. She was so hysterical she almost tripped down the stairs several times in her tall black high heels that she wore for work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> I'm not totally happy with this chapter, but I thought you guys would appreciate it anyway. Contains strong language and Regina sass. Hope you enjoy!

She didn't think she would ever stop crying as she left Emma's apartment. Regina was so hysterical she almost tripped down the stairs several times in her tall, black high heels that she wore for work.

Emma

Emma

Emma

Her head was spinning and the brunette felt her stomach lurch as it had done before in her office with David. Luckily for her, Storybrooke wasn't very big, and her house was only a 15 minutes walk from here, or a 5 minute run. But running in heels was a lot harder than most women made it look.

She arrived home to 108 Mifflin block in a matter of minutes however. It was a large, modern apartment, monochromatic but cozy. She could afford to live in Boston, but she'd lived in Storybrooke for some time now, and it didn't feel right to move.

Regina kept it tidy as often as her work would allow but she didn't bother picking up and loose papers as she rushed in. The brunette ran straight to her bedroom and flopped onto her large, silk bed, her tears soaking the thick quilt.

Emma

Jumping awake suddenly, feeling all too alive, the brunette clutched her phone and did all she could think of at that moment, which was to text Emma.

_Emma?_

_please_

 

i love you..

But she couldn't send that. She obviously didn't feel the same way, she knew that now.

Regina knew she was being selfish, and that she should just give Emma some time. But she couldn't be alone, now. Not after today.

She looked at her clock, and it read 4am. Regina realized she must have slept for some time without realizing it. She had to be up for a few hours for work, but it was then she realized she didn't care about work anymore, all she cared about was Emma. And now she was gone. The absence of her was like a hollow aching in her stomach which she clutched tightly as she lay in a heap on the bed.

Pulling up her sleeves, she realized she was still wearing Emma's cream turtleneck that the blonde had lent her for work yesterday. She cradled it to herself as if it was worth all the jewels in the world. And to her, it was. But as she was hurt, she was angry. Angry at all that had happened. She felt it bubbling up inside her alongside the sadness that threatened to spill over.

'Fuck you, Emma!' She screamed into the empty silence of her apartment.

'Why did I have to fall in love with you, you beautiful, stupid, stupid woman,' she whispered softly to herself as she stroked Emma's sweater gently. She went from yelling, to crying each minute, unsure of which emotion she preferred. Neither, she decided.

In the silence, sudden inspiration struck her. She walked slowly into her kitchen and grabbed a bottle of Apple cider from the lower cupboard. Why not drink it all away, it's not like I have anything left, she mumbled.

'I've lost everything.'

After finishing the whole bottle, she began to feel a little hazy. Her heavy curtains were blocking out whatever light must have been rising in the early hours of the morning. As the brunette collapsed into bed, the clock read 6.30. She wasn't in much of a state to do anything, but she decided to call her secretary Belle, to at least inform her she wasn't going to be coming in today.

The phone rang a few times until she picked up.

'Hello?'

'Hi, it's Regina, she spoke as evenly as she could in her present state. I just wanted to let you know I'm not coming today. I'm not feeling great.'

'Of course Miss Mills, would you like me to have your work sent over to you? I'm sure someone would be more than willing to deliver it.'

'Yes, thank you, Regina replied gratefully. That would be good.'

'Get some rest, I hope you feel better tomorrow!' She heard the other woman say cheerfully, despite the early hour of the morning.

'Thank youus..,' Regina slurred but all was well, Belle had rung off.

With that sorted, she curled up into a ball under her soft, fluffy duvet, and the tears started to pour out once more. She cried until she fell asleep. When she awoke, it was 11.24am, and she rose with a new sense of clarity; it seemed the alcohol had worn off mostly.

She rubbed her stomach hesitantly, a sore pain now radiated all over her body, which she only assumed was from David's fist the previous day. Reluctantly, she removed Emma's sweater and her grey work pants, and headed hesitantly into her heavily mirrored bathroom. Now wearing nothing but a bra and pants, she was able to see the damage David had done.

Purple, green, and blue bruises had germinated over her whole body, covering her in finger prints. She winced as she pressed down gently on her side, and a single tear slid down her pale cheek. There was no way that she could hide this without wearing a jumper and trousers at all times. Once the tears had started, it was hard for her to stop. What if she was fertile? No, she didn't think she was. Thank God.

David

Emma

She had been royally fucked with, and it was just too much to deal with right now. She slowly pulled back on Emma's sweater, despite wanting to keep it forever yet burn it at the same time. All of her ached, inside and out like there was a piece of her missing. She was worried she'd never be whole.

A knock at her door roused her from her silent musings, and she rose quickly to answer it.

When she opened it, she was faced with none other than David Nolan. His face was smug and powerful, and part of her wanted to shrink away. But oh Regina was pissed now, this man had lost her Emma. And he was going to pay.

'What the fuck do you want?' She growled at David, almost tempted to slam the door in his face.

'Is that any way to speak to your superior, Regina?' He replied with a grin. She noticed he was holding a pile of papers, which she assumed were for her.

'You are nothing to me,' she whispered, with a threatening growl in her voice.

'Is that so? Regina I am your king, and you'll do as I say. Now please, may I come in, before I force it.'

'You're no king, no benevolent leader. And no, you may not come in,' Regina replied angrily, and attempted to slam the door in David's face.

Unfortunately, she was too late, and David shoved his foot in the door, before she could close it. He pushed her back into her apartment, shutting the door as he came in.

'How dare you enter my home uninvited,' she yelled at him, attempting to seem confident, despite her fear. She pushing him towards the door, in attempt to push him out. But David was stronger, and thrust her backwards, causing her to land in a crumpled heap on the floor. She yelled with pain as she felt her tender bruises collide with her dark, wooden flooring.

'Whats wrong, Regina? Missed me?'

But Regina had had enough.

'You've ruined me, my life. You've cost me the person I love, and my job, and everything I care about. You've turned me into a weak nothing compared to the person I used to be. I worked hard to get here and you barge in here and push me around, hurt me, assault me, and still get everything I've ever wanted. Fuck you David, fuck you!'

She screamed this so loud, it was likely that every floor in Regina's apartment block heard her. She was foaming at the mouth, and her eyes were a misty red. The tears were pouring out in excess, using up all the water content in her body.

'No Miss Mills, David replied, seemingly unfazed, a sly smile plastered on his face, I would much rather fuck you.'

'You don't get to own me anymore David, you've already ruined me enough. Get the fuck out of my life!'

'Oh, I don't think so Miss Mills, you see if you want to keep your job, I would advise you to do as I say.'

'I don't care about the job, all I care about is Emma and she left me because of you!'

'Oh Emma is it? David replied, his smile only growing. Never knew you were into women, but then again it all makes sense. But anyway, I may as well have some fun whilst I'm here.'

'Don't you dare touch me!' She screamed at him, stepping backwards into her living area, trying to get as far away from him as possible.

'Id better make you a little more receptive, Regina, David replied. You see, I could tell Mr Jones that it was you who started all of this, and you know what, you'd be fired like that. I'm far more important in the company than you, and he'd believe me. No money, no job, no Emma,' he said with a smug smile, adding emphasis onto Emma's name.

'Id rather live in a gutter than sleep with you again,' she whispered with a snarl, her eyes glowing red.

'Well Regina, you'll be in a gutter when I've finished with you tonight. If I can't have you well, he paused and grinned at her maliciously, you'll never get anybody. You're worthless.'

Her face paled suddenly at his words, as she whispered softly to David, her anger suddenly evaporated, and  replaced by only a deep rooted fear,

'You're a psychopath.'

'No, Regina. I just know what I want, and how to get it, unlike you.'

He leaned into where she was lying on the floor, her brown eyes wide and began to kiss her soft pink lips hungrily. He had such purpose in his eyes, Regina wondered if he would ever stop.


	22. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She'd taken to wandering the old Storybrooke train platform late at night. The pitch black surrounded her in a way that made her feel alienated, and alone. It felt nice, in a way, to be alone. Then nobody could touch her, and she couldn't hurt anyone. It made sense really that everything would end up like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, another chapter for you all. Sorry I didn't update yesterday, I've been a bit busy with homework. 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter! Feedback is always appreciated :)

She'd taken to wandering the old Storybrooke train platform late at night. The pitch black surrounded her in a way that made her feel alienated, and alone. It felt nice, in a way, to be alone. Then nobody could touch her, and she couldn't hurt anyone. It made sense really that everything would end up like this.

Every so often the lights of a train flashed and lit up the platform, highlighting each grey seat in a pale streaky light. Emma's greasy blonde hair blew in the gust of wind that the train made as she stared off into the distance even long after it had gone past her.

She tried not to think of Regina. Every time she did think of her it ached at the pit of her stomach, and her guilt rose up her throat into a bile, that she had constantly been spitting out. It was likely that the vodka contributed too.

She'd wanted to reply to Regina, but she couldn't. She was a coward. She'd already let Regina down enough, and Emma didn't know how to fix her mistakes. She couldn't even fix herself. The blonde prayed that Regina had managed to sort out David.

Emma simply stared at Regina's continuous texts and tried to blank them out; she needed to forget her. After all, Regina deserved better than her.

Taking another swig of vodka, she sat in the cold in a black leather jacket that she'd taken to wearing these days. It didn't do much to her anymore; she was constantly in a numb kind of haze. It didn't block out the pain, but it dulled it slightly, and for Emma, that was enough. More texts, more voicemails. They never stopped. All from Regina. She hadn't been to work in a few days, so she could always read then when they arrived. She craved Regina's touch, her soft patient hands cradling her as she wept- ghosts of what once was, and never could be. She wanted to be held, but she also wanted to be as far away from everyone as she possibly could.

Instead she held herself, for there was no one else she could trust. It didn't matter if she let herself down, she always did, and it wasn't going to change. But she couldn't do that to Regina. She couldn't bear all the frantic messages. Her heart felt like it was being torn in two. Emma didn't think she could hold out much longer.

5 minutes later another text arrived.

 

_Emma I miss you, come back_

She had to do this, to end it once and for all. But oh god did she want to hear Regina's voice. She dialled her number before she could change her mind.

'Regina. I'm only calling to tell you to stop calling. You need to get on with your life.'

'Emma,' she heard the brunette whisper.

'Regina, what's wrong?'

'David.'

'You can beat him. Gina you don't need me. You're strong,' she replied firmly. She needed to go. This was a bad idea.

'Help.'

'I can't help. You need to get on without me. I'm sorry.'

'Emma, she whispered, her throat sounding raspy. I.. I'm..please help.'

'I can't help you, Regina. I can't fix you.'

'Nobody else cares,' she heard the brunette sob.

'I don't care,' Emma's whispered, as fiercely as she could manage, the last strings of her heart pinging open as she felt her heart break.

'Dont lie to me Emma... I can't.'

'Just go, Regina.'

'David he..I'm.. I think I'm..'

'What?'

'Pregnant.'

'Are you sure?' Emma's stomach rose to her mouth. The bastard.

'No, I- no. I'm. I need you.'

'Oh, Regina, Emma whispered, her voice softening at the brunette's tears. You don't need me.'

'You underestimate yourself. Please.'

'I'll come,' Emma said finally, defeated by this sudden statement.

'You will?' Regina sounded hopeful. This was too much.

'Just today. Where do you live?'

'108 Mifflin block.'

'Ok. I'll be there in 20.'

'Thank you,' Regina said softly into the phone.

'No problem,' Emma muttered with a sigh as she rose from where she sat slouched by the train tracks.

Mifflin Block wasn't far from the station, and it looked a lot posher than Emma had realised compared to her own apartment. She was buzzed in by Regina, and the blonde pressed floor 2 in the shiny, working lift. Regina was already waiting by a door of one of the apartments.

Her usual silky hair was stuck to her forehead, and looked limp and greasy. Emma also noticed that she was wearing no makeup whatsoever. Despite the fact that she looked like she'd been drinking, her beauty still radiated out, almost knocking Emma out every time, even more so now.

When Regina saw her, she thought saw a small smile play on her lips, but then worry replaced her happiness, and her forehead creased slightly. Emma realised she must look pretty shit right now. She hadn't showered in days, or eaten for that matter; she'd only drunk.

'Regina,' she mumbled, the words fell so easily out of her mouth like they were meant to be there. Part of her wanted to cry, but she couldn't let that happen. She remained stony faced as she walked towards where the brunette was waiting.

'Don't think for a second I'm not pissed at you,' Regina said, looking at her sternly despite her obvious frailty that she had only got more prominent since Emma last saw her.

'I wouldn't dare,' Emma said in reply, allowing a small smile appear on her lips. It felt so natural she never wanted it to go. The blonde paused, and hesitantly reached into her pocket for a blue packet she had picked up from the store before she had come here.

'This is for you, she whispered, pressing the rectangular packet into Regina's hand. I'm sorry, she added quietly, looking down as she did so. She couldn't face her.

'Thank you,' she heard Regina reply thickly, as if she was trying not to cry.

'You can do it now, if you like. If you want. I mean, I'll wait outside for you,' Emma stuttered, unsure of how to approach this.

'Okay,' Regina whispered.

She followed the brunette inside to her apartment. Emma could tell it would have been nice if not for the state it was in. Trails of clothes lay on the floor, some Regina's, and an odd jumper or two looked to be a mans. She couldn't quite deal with the reality of it. As she looked, she could feel Regina following her gaze. She didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so she looked back at the brunette, noticing that she was still wearing the cream turtleneck she had lent her.

'You're wearing it?'

Regina looked down and blushed.

'Its warm. Sorry. Do you want it back?' She replied quickly.

'No, no it's fine, Emma reassured her. Besides it looks better on you.'

There was a moment of silence as they waited outside Regina's bathroom.

'Ill be just here, Emma said with a gentle smile, noting Regina's worry.

'Thank you, Emma,' the brunette replied, smiling tightly at Emma. Regina shut the door slowly, barricading herself in.

Emma waited outside tensely, waiting for Regina, waiting for an answer.


	23. 'You're my light'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She held the test in her shaking hands, the relief flowing out of her as the small screen remained blank. She couldn't help but let the tears escape, in happiness. Or was it? It's not that she wanted David's baby. Of course she didn't. But a baby. Would that be such a bad thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, another chapter here. 
> 
> This chapter contains some angst, so please read with caution. Sorry for any mistakes, Ive been writing this late at night. I hope you all enjoy it, feedback is appreciated :)

She held the test in her shaking hands, the relief flowing out of her as the small screen remained blank. She couldn't help but let the tears escape, in happiness. Or was it? It's not that she wanted David's baby. Of course she didn't. But a baby. Would that be such a bad thing? Now she was crying in sadness, and she didn't even know why. 

'Regina, everything okay?' She heard Emma call from outside, a hint of panic present in her voice. 

She stood up slowly, and threw the test in the bin, not wanting to be reminded. Looking in the mirror, she realized how bad she looked. No wonder Emma left you, she muttered to herself as she washed her hands slowly, taking her time and letting the warm water cleanse her soft hands. 

When she opened the door, she saw Emma's worried face staring at her. The brunette attempted a brave smile. 

'Its negative.' 

She saw Emma heave a sigh of relief. Maybe if she had been pregnant Emma would have stayed? Or maybe not. 

She walked past Emma, past the mess of clothes on and by her bed, and sat in her little kitchenette. It was the only clear space in her whole apartment, although it did contain a few empty glasses of what previously had been apple cider. She felt Emma sit next to her; she could smell the vodka rolling off her. It didn't smell like how the blonde usually smelt. Musky, woody, but perfumed. She longed for that Emma. Not this stony, vodka one. But this was her, and she didn't know for how long. Or whether she would ever get the real Emma back. 

Regina could tell she was hurting as they sat in an empty silence. She was angry, yet she understood. Emma didn't feel like she was worth anything, to anyone. She longed to tell Emma how important she really was, but she couldn't quite force her lips to form the words. 

But the truth was, Regina didn't feel like she deserved Emma. She was beautiful, smart, funny, insightful, and everything Regina wanted to be. But the blonde just didn't seem to see herself the way Regina saw her. They both felt the same way about each other. But did Emma even love her? Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was just something she couldn't fix. 

Those dreams of Emma reciprocating her feelings felt like they were drifting away on soft white heavenly clouds- she clung on to that dream. Maybe Emma never loved her, maybe she was just lying to herself. 

Maybe. 

'So, she found herself breaking the silence, what now?'

'I don't know,' Emma whispered from behind her, sounding afraid, and uncertain, just like Regina felt. 

'Well, would you like some coffee?' Regina inquired, slicing through the silence that was deafening in itself. 

'Uh, yes please,' Emma replied, sounding surprised at the unexpected question.

Regina rose from her seat and began to expertly load up her coffee machine. It made sense to have one seeing as she drank the beverage so regularly. And she desperately felt like she needed a boost right now. Her legs and fingers began to shake like jelly as she felt Emma's eyes on her as she bustled around the kitchen. 

Without warning, the heel on her shoe suddenly collapsed under her and she fell into the cupboard and onto the floor. 

'Regina?' She heard Emma shout from above her. 

She blinked in the artificial light of her kitchen and sat up slowly. 

'Are you okay?' Emma inquired, her voice overflowing with concern. 

It was here, laying in a crumpled heap in the floor, her body still aching all over, that reminded her of all the times she really wanted to forget. As Emma sat beside her, leaning against the counter, she clung to her jacket and cried, as if no time had passed at all. 

They sat for a while, and they both cried, but it didn't matter, because they had each other. And nothing else was important in that moment.

'Im sorry, Regina,' Emma whispered in between sobs, from where she was sitting beside her. 

'It doesn't matter, Emma, Regina replied. You can't change what's happened. It's not your fault.' 

'I should have been there. I should have been there for you when you needed me. I'm sorry,' the blonde said softly as she hung her head, as if in shame.

'Don't be sorry. Ever. You don't deserve to be, Regina replied, her heart aching for Emma in more ways than one. Anyway, you're here now.'

'I guess I am,' Emma said, her lips suddenly blessed with a gentle smile. 

After a moment, Regina broke the silence. 

'Would you still like that coffee?'

'No, Regina don't trouble yourself. I can do it myself,' Emma replied determinedly, gently removing herself from the brunette's clutches, and stood up, blocking out the too bright light of Regina's stunningly white kitchen. 

She watched Emma fumble with her complicated coffee machine, she rose slowly, rubbing her back gently. The brunette leaned in, and simply pressed the red start button, that Emma had failed to notice. 

'Oh right, Emma chuckled slightly, that would help,' she smiled steadily at Regina as she grabbed two coffee shot glasses from her kitchen cupboard. 

'I suggest we have it strong. We might need it tonight,' Regina replied as she filled each glass with a deep, rich black coffee. 

'Good idea,' Emma mumbled in agreement as they both grabbed the glass and sipped at it gingerly. 

'Would you like to sit down? Regina inquired gently after she had drunk her coffee. She eyed the mess around her bed, so she directed Emma to her leather couch, that faced away from the bed. 

Emma didn't say anything, but she followed where Regina's hand pointed, and perched on the edge of the sofa. Regina sat beside her, smoothing her grey pants. This kind of silence made her nervous; it seemed that there were many things needed to be said. And she was afraid. 

'Emma-

'Regina,-

'Sorry,' they both said simultaneously. 

'Why don't you go first, Regina suggested gently, her heart beating fast with anxiety of what Emma was about to say.

The blonde waited a moment, as if to calm herself, before she stuttered out a long apology. 

'Im sorry I left. I just didn't feel like I was worthy of you. I didn't think that you could, that you could ever..care about me. So I pushed you away. Like I do. Like I always do.   
The blonde paused and took a deep breath, so deep, it seemed that it was from her very soul.   
I shouldn't have done that. I couldn't help you because I was afraid. Afraid of something that happened in the past. She took an incredibly shaky breath, and seemed to be about to say something, but stopped herself. Anyway, I can't help you. But I guess I can be here. If you want me.' 

A tear slid down the blondes cheek as she waited in silence for Regina to reply. She didn't know quite what to say to this, but the words spilled over her lips in an attempt to escape. 

'I want you. There's never been a moment when I didn't want you, Regina choked out. She couldn't help but clutch Emma's hand but it wasn't warm, it was icy cold. I'm sorry if I was too much. If I was taking it too far, I don't know, she mumbled to herself as a few more tears leaked out from her eyes. And about whatever it was, that makes you afraid. I want you to know I'm here. And you can tell me whenever you want.'   
She squeezed Emma's hand more tightly as she spoke. 

'Thank you,' Emma whispered gratefully; a sigh escaped her lips as she sat, staring into space, clutching her empty coffee glass. Regina wondered what she was thinking about.

'No, thank you,' Regina replied gently, a raw honesty present in her voice. 

'What for?'

'For staying.' 

'Did you want it to be negative? Emma asked suddenly. 

'What?' 

'The test. The pregnancy. Did you want it to be negative?' 

'I don't know, Regina replied truthfully. I know that I didn't want it to be his. But the fact that I could have been carrying a child, didn't bother me. In fact, I think I would go as far to say that I would like a child. If it was with the right person.'

She looked shyly at Emma, but the blonde wasn't looking at her, she was looking at the ground. 

'I was pregnant once, Emma replied quietly, her voice speaking in a way that was levelled, as if she was trying to control herself. But it didn't work out. I was about 5 months pregnant and I miscarried. The blondes voice was incredibly quiet now, and overflowing with sadness in a way that Regina didn't need her tears to notice. I didn't think I wanted it at first, but after a while, I grew to love the unborn child within me. She smiled slightly, her hands fluttering to her stomach in a happy remembrance- suddenly drooped, and her smile flickered out as quickly as it had came. I had planned to call him Henry, she whispered softly. I let him down. I should've been stronger but I wasn't.'

Regina saw the figure of the blonde collapse into sobs. She cradled her gently, her fingers pressing lightly, trying to add warmth to Emma's frail body. 

'Youre the strongest person I know, always will be,' Regina whispered into Emma's ear, coaxing her into a full on hug as the two women sat and cried. 

'Im not, I'm not at all,' Emma choked out unhappily, her tears spilling into her own cream sweater that Regina wore. 

'Yes you are. Don't you see, Emma? You're still here. After everything. You've picked yourself back up even after you've fallen down. You inspire me everyday, Regina whispered with a small smile as she let the tears flow. But most of all, when I'm with you, you shine so brightly. You make the dark places seem warm, and light in a way that I never could. After everything.That is what makes you strong.'

'You're my light, Emma mumbled softly, Regina wasn't sure if she'd heard her right, so they just sat side by side, holding each other together. 

'Were beginning to make a habit of this,' Regina said to Emma after a while as they lay together in a heap on her couch. She hadn't realised she'd echoed Emma's words from earlier that week until the blonde had whispered a reply. 

'Lets make it official.'

'What?' Regina replied, confused. 

'This habit, or whatever it is. Let's keep doing this.' 

'No more goodbyes?' 

'No more goodbyes.'

'Is that a promise?' Regina said gently, a hope rising up in her chest as she heard Emma's words. 

'Ill give it my best, my everything,' Emma replied. And in that moment, it was enough.


	24. Maybe we can fix each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma woke with a start, her heart beat erratic, her head pounding with fear. When she opened her eyes she could still see it all so clearly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I've been really busy. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Mild trigger for references to rape. Feedback is very much appreciated!

Emma woke with a start, her heart beat erratic, her head pounding with fear. When she opened her eyes she could still see it all so clearly.

_And it didn't even stop there. Hot hands snaked over her body, and fists connected with her pale flesh as they beat her down, down into the mud and dirt. Her voice was so hoarse, she couldn't even scream anymore. Bloodied and bruised they left her in a heap, unable to move, convinced her body was broken and would never be fixed._

'Emma, it's me. It's Regina.'

'What?' Emma mumbled into the hazy morning light.

'You were having a bad dream I think,' Regina answered tentatively.

'Oh I'm sorry,' Emma whispered, ashamed. She leaned back on the couch where she seemed to have fallen asleep. The dream still lingered but it mostly blew away when Regina's face had appeared. The blonde breathe a sigh of relief.

'Don't be sorry, Emma, Regina replied with a gentle smile. Anyway if you're going to work today, you should probably get going.'

Emma groaned and rubbed her head. She really wasn't in the mood right now.

'Or not,' Regina added with a further smile, but lines of worry were present on her face.

'What about you?' Emma asked Regina. She saw the brunette's face tense at the suggestion.

'No. I'm not going in, not today,' Regina whispered, fear evident in deep brown eyes.

'You can't let him win, remember?' Emma prompted gently. She didn't want to force Regina but she knew it wouldn't be any good to allow David to control her in this way.

'He came over 2 days ago,' Regina whispered as a small tear slid down her cheek.

'What? Emma replied in disgusted surprise. He came here?'

'Yeah,' Regina answered, not looking Emma in the eye.

'The fucker,' Emma whispered in disbelief and horror. He had come into Regina's home. Hadn't he violated her enough? Regina didn't say anything more until Emma broke the silence once more.

'Did he?' Emma didn't even have to finish her sentence before Regina replied with a swift nod of her head, her dark hair softly falling over her shoulder as she did so.

'Regina. I'm so sorry,' Emma whispered, placing her hand carefully over Regina's.

'Its okay, Emma,' Regina answered. But it obviously wasn't, and Emma could see that loud and clear.

'Its not okay Regina! He ra-'

'Don't say it like that, Regina interrupted Emma mid word. She sounded sad. Emma noticed the tears falling from Regina's brown eyes, as if an infinite liquid pool lay in them.

'Regina, Emma whispered, tightening her grip on the brunette's hand. Please don't cover this up from me. I want to help, I can help,' the blonde pleaded.

'You said you couldn't fix me,' Regina muttered whilst the tears rolled down her cheeks once more.

'I can try,' Emma replied, squeezing the brunette's hand.

'How can you fix me, when you can't even fix yourself?' she whispered in return to Emma. The blonde took a breath to steady herself. Regina's words hit sharply into her own heart. She felt it's wound deep and fresh aching inside.

'Maybe we can fix each other,' Emma said with a soft smile. Regina looked up, into Emma's eyes and returned her smile, despite her tears. She clutched Emma's hand tighter and nestled herself into her chest, ruffling Emma's blonde tresses. Emma couldn't help but lay her hand lightly on Regina's head. She stroked her hair gently.

'Why don't you have another child? Regina asked suddenly. Emma's hand froze.

'Theres never been anyone I wanted to have one with,' the blonde replied quietly.

'Not anyone? What about the guy you had your other child with?'

A bile rose to Emma's mouth as she attempted to answer Regina's questions.

'That guy is gone, Emma lied spontaneously, the tears welling up in her deep green eyes. And there's never going to be another.'

'Don't say that, Emma, Regina replied adamantly, there will be someone for you. There's going to be a guy for you. You just have to find him.'

'I don't mean it like that, Emma answered hesitantly. I mean, I don't think that's what I'm into. If you understand.'

'Oh. You mean, you're not into men?' Regina replied, sounding anxious.

Shit, Emma thought. She doesn't even feel the same way. I should just shut up.

'Uh, yeah,' the blonde said.

'Oh. Well I mean, the brunette stuttered. You'll find the right woman too. If that's what you're into. Yeah.'

'I doubt that,' Emma replied with a sad smile. She began to stroke Regina's hair again.

'Don't say that. You're smart. You're funny. You're beautiful, Regina whispered and blushed heavily.

'Aha, thanks but no thanks, Emma replied with a chuckle. I don't think anyone is ever going to love me.' She added quietly, gently holding Regina in her lap.

'But Emma I...I care about you. And I know for a fact you will find love.'

'Thank you Regina,' Emma whispered, Feeling grateful at the brunette's kind words.

If only you knew she muttered to herself. Oh Regina, don't you see? It's you I love. You. You. It's you.

They sat together for a while, alone in thought, yet together in touch. The brunette lay in Emma's arms still, and the blonde revelled in at holding Regina, her gentle body fit perfectly into the curve of Emma's. As if they were meant to be. Regina's breath slowed, and Emma realised she was asleep. Looking at the clock, it was 7.30 in the morning. She herself hadn't had much of a relaxed sleep because of the nightmare. Regina's leather sofa was quite comfortable; she allowed herself to relax with Regina's hand lingering on her own milky flesh. Leaning back, she snuggled herself into the sofa.

A knock at the door roused them both. They both yawned, and Regina rose swiftly, and stretched. In mid-stretch, she froze suddenly.'

'Regina what is it?' Emma asked, suddenly worried. She turned round with a look of fear on her face.

'What if it's David?' She whispered, her voice hoarse, suddenly looking extremely fragile as if she could break any second.

'Regina, you need to calm down,' Emma insisted. She reached out for Regina's hand but the brunette pulled away.

'You must go, you must hide!' Regina insisted, her eyes popping with anxiety.

'Regina, it's probably not even him, Emma replied. Look everything will be fine.' She tried to calm the brunette but to no avail.

'Just hide! Regina spoke quickly and maneuvered Emma to the bathroom. Just lock yourself in. Please. Emma for me,' the brunette pleaded.

'Okay. Regina I'll hide. But trust me everything will be okay.'

She locked the door, and waited anxiously for Regina's return once more.


	25. Piece by piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn't know what she expected when she opened the door but she knew what she feared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, another chapter for you all. I'm going to be brief, but I hope you enjoy it! Trigger warnings for suggested rape etc. 
> 
> Your feedback is always appreciated! Thanks for sticking with me :)

She didn't know what she expected when she opened the door but she knew what she feared. 

That fear became a reality within a matter of seconds. 

David's smug face appeared when she opened the door to her apartment. He wasn't even hiding behind a work delivery this time. It was just him. 

'What do you want?' she mumbled although she already knew. She clasped her hands together so tight she almost cut off the circulation. 

His smile was wide, and genuine but in all the wrong ways. 

'Good afternoon to you too, Regina, he replied with a grin that was nothing but sinister. May I come in?'

'Please don't play with me. You know I can't stop you,' she replied with a shaky breath. 

'That's right Regina, good girl, he said as he strode inside her apartment with authority and purpose. 

Bit of a mess in here, isn't it? My my Regina, you've let yourself go.'

'No thanks to you,' she muttered under her breath, not daring to say it any louder; the varying coloured bruises reminded her to stay quiet.

'You got any booze? David asked her, I want to spice things up a bit tonight.' 

'Uh yeah,' Regina replied quietly, and walked slowly to the kitchen to pick up a bottle of her best apple cider. 

'Come on honey, got anything stronger?' David replied with dissatisfaction as she showed him the cider. 

With reluctance she plucked a bottle of vodka from the far back in the dark depths of her kitchen cupboard. She poured out two shot glasses, and handed one to David. 

'Now you're talking, David answered with a smile, downing his shot in one go. Let's get started, he called to Regina, as if this was something so casual. She stood shaking by the kitchen sink, wondering how she would last the night, knowing that Emma was in the bathroom, able to hear everything that was happening. 

'Regina, you're a bit quiet tonight, David said with mock concern. Something the matter?' The underlying threat was clear as day to Regina. But she knew she had to play along and it would be over sooner. 

'No, nothing,' she whispered, pulling down her sleeves in attempt to hide her shaking hands. 

'Where's your fire love? He questioned her, whilst leaning in to stroke her cheek, lingering with rough fingers. 

She leaned away from his fingers automatically, so he grabbed her hair tightly, his knuckles bulging, pulling her into him. 

She whimpered in pain as he picked her up and carelessly threw her onto the bed, hitting her bruises with fierce hands and a hard mattress. Pushing her down he lay on top of her, stroking the curve of her breasts. He seemed to be taking his time tonight, trying to make her suffer. The way he always acted with such hunger made her see he relished in her pain. 

She tried to turn away, but he forced her to look at him. 

'I want to do this properly Regina. I want you to participate,' David told her with a growl in his voice that only came from sexual desire. 

When she didn't speak he roughly grabbed at her, poking her bruises as he attempted to rip off her top without having to let go. 

She let out a sharp yelp as he dug his nails into her tender flesh in an act of passion, or was it? 

It was at that moment that Emma barged open the door, with nothing but anger in her eyes. 

'Get the fuck off her!'

Emma tore towards David in such a rage, unlike Regina had ever seen before. David's eyes flicked over to her in surprise. He jumped off Regina in pure shock at Emma's sudden entry. 

'How dare you touch her without her permission!' The blonde yelled. She looked as if she was going to beat David up. 

'Emma..' Slipped from Regina's mouth as she lay, stranded on the bed, aghast. 

David recovered himself quickly.   
'Oh you're Emma are you, David said with a devilish grin. Well I can't see why Regina is so infatuated by you my dear, although I must admit you are quite pretty. How would you like to join our little arrangement?' 

'Fuck you! Emma shouted, clearly losing it. You're not going to hurt Regina anymore.'

'Really? David said, his teeth glinting white as he smiled. You know what Emma you seem very familiar to me. And I like your feistiness. But you do know Regina will lose her job if she doesn't obey me?'

Regina at this point lay still, too shocked to speak. 

'Im sure she'd rather die than fuck you, I know I certainly would.'

'Lovely. Well seeing as you're both obviously besotted with each other, why don't we make things a little more interesting?'

'You don't get to tell me what to do,' Emma shouted frustratedly, and leaned towards David, ready to land a punch on his jaw. But David intercepted her and yanked her to the couch with only one hand. 

Emma yelped as Regina saw David twist her arm as he threw her. 

'Emma! Just stop. David let her go!' Regina shouted in blatant desperation. 

'I don't think so honey, David replied with a smile as he twisted Emma's wrist painful. You see, this is going to be an awful lot of fun.' 

Regina tried to move but it seemed she was stuck to the bed in fear, her knuckles white from clutching the sheets. 

'What are you going to do?' she whispered to David, the fear in her eyes so present they were all that was there. 

'Im not going to do anything. You are.'

'What?' 

'You and Emma. Come on, your love is obvious. But I wouldn't mind a bit of a show.' 

'What do you mean?' The brunette replied quietly, her face paled with shock. 

'I want you to fuck her. And after seeing you do it, I'm going to fuck you. It's simple really.'

'You're not going to touc-'

He clamped his large hand over Emma's mouth as she struggled.   
'You don't get to speak. Or have a choice in the matter.'

'And what if I refuse?' Regina whimpered, her whole body shaking. 

'Well then I'll beat the living daylight out of your girl, and I'll tell everyone at work you've been forcing me to have sex with you.'

'But that's not true!' Regina shouted, the tears flowing steadily from her eyes at this point. 

'Oh darling, I know, David reassured her with a malicious smile. But they won't believe you, they'll believe me. I'm a senior figure. I can put you in their bad books with a few words.'

'Don't involve Emma. Please. I'll do whatever you want,' she pleaded to him desperately. She couldn't believe what was happening right now. This was too much. 

'You'll do anything?' David asked her, seeming interested in her new bargain. 

'Anything. Please. Just let her go.'

'Ah, that is just too tempting to resist. A beautiful woman like yourself. Thank you, Regina.'

'Regina, I'm not going, I'm not leaving you!' Emma shouted after David removed his hand from where it had covered her mouth. 

'You have to Emma. Just go. If you don't, I'll never forgive myself.'

'But I won't forgive myself,' Emma whispered to her, her deep green eyes full of sincerity. 

'You're going to have to. Please Emma.'

'Regina.' 

Emma stared at her, her eyes full of meaning. She stood as if she didn't know whether to stay or go. 

'Go.'

'Ill come back. Regina I promise. We'll get through this. Together. It's going to be okay.' 

'Go, Emma. Go,' she choked out, her hand reaching out for Emma's, a hand that would never be hers. 

Emma walked slowly, and hesitantly towards the door, looking back at where Regina lay, disheveled on her bed. There was a definite longing in her eyes. 

'Oh I didn't say you could leave just yet, David interrupted. You see, despite your offer Regina, I already own you. You know that.'

'But our deal? Regina replied with anger. You agreed!'

'I did nothing of the sort. And besides, I just remembered where I recognise Emma from. And believe me, that story is a real treat.'

'You don't know me,' Emma spat out, seemingly disgusted. 

'Oh Emma, I think you'll find that I do. Quite well in fact. You see, I can still remember the wonderful sex we had. '

Regina saw Emma's face pale, and then turn white as a sheet in some form of realisation. The blonde looked incredibly afraid, and turned to look at Regina, her eyes boring desperately into her own. 

'Emma?' She inquired, her voice wobbling. 

'Behind the bins, David added. You were quite a feisty one, still are. That's why I liked you.' 

And in that moment everything fell into place.


	26. Nightmares in reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She couldn't breathe, let alone speak. Her whole world felt as though it was collapsing on top of her, restricting her lungs, restricting her movement all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I have an extra long chapter for you all, I hope you enjoy. Trigger warnings for sexual assault, please don't read if it could offend you. 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes, I'm writing this late at night.
> 
> Thank you guys for sticking with me! I appreciate feedback :)

She couldn't breathe, let alone speak. Her whole world felt as though it was collapsing on top of her, restricting her lungs, restricting her movement all over. 

She looked at Regina, her mouth was wide open but her vision was blurring. Like she wasn't even there anymore. 

'Something wrong love?'

His voice. His face. His hands. 

Her head was heavy, like she was wading through water. Her heart was in her mouth as she fell to the floor with a thud and her vision turned black. The last thing she heard was Regina calling her name. 

'Emma!'...

'Emma!'

She blinked into the hazy light to see Regina's face coming into focus. 

'Emma? Emma are you okay?' 

She couldn't even open her mouth, it was like she was out of her body, and time was moving more slowly. 

'Get up,' she heard David snarl from above but she couldn't move. She couldn't. She-

'Emma, please.'

She heard Regina whisper from above her, pleading for her. Somehow, somewhere in her unconscious mind, she forced herself to sit up slowly, her head throbbing from where she had hit it on Regina's hard wooden floor. 

'Wow you're pathetic, David said as he loomed above her. I thought you'd be stronger than this, at least stronger than Regina but I guess I was wrong.' 

He chuckled menacingly after her spoke. In the silence he left threat after threat. 

She felt Regina's warm breath on her cheek as she stared into space, not bearing to think about what David had just told her. It had brought it to the front of her mind like a dagger piercing her skull. 

'Come on girls, let's get started.'

'Don't you see she's not okay?' She heard Regina whisper, her voice cracking and Emma felt her tears on her own cheeks. 

'Regina, you know I don't really care. If you don't do this, you know there will be consequences.'

'I won't! Regina screamed from beside her, she felt the brunettes arms wrap tightly around her, as if she was trying to protect her. You can't make me!' 

'I think you'll find I can.'

He easily lifted them both of the ground, Emma felt his arms pressed tightly against her alongside Regina's soft arms, like a comfort blanket. It wasn't long until her threw them both down together on the bed in a tangled heap. 

Emma grabbed her phone from her trouser pocket and quickly dialled 911. She didn't know why but she suddenly felt her mind reconnect with her body. And boy was she pissed off. 

'Ive got 911 on dial. Don't try anything.' 

She sounded firm and despite a wobble in her voice, she remained fierce. 

But all David did was laugh. 

'Don't you fucking dare.' 

'I will. Leave and I won't call. You can get on with your life. Never bother us again.'

As he took a step closer to Emma, her hands began to shake vigorously. His presence alone reminded her of that night. 

'Im not joking. Get the fuck out!'

'Oh Emma, honey, David said with a grin, don't flatter yourself. You won't do it.'

She pressed the green call button and the phone began to dial. 

David took another step towards her, and she took another step back. 

'Get away from me. Get away from us!'

David changed tactics, he rounded the bed and grabbed Regina instead, just as someone answered the phone on the other side. 

'If you answer, then she'll get hurt. You know I'm not bluffing.' 

Emma didn't know what to do. Maybe she could call the police and they would come in time, maybe they could run, maybe. 

'Hello? Is any one there?'

'I..'

'Put the phone down, Emma. Be a good girl.'

'I won't let you rape her again, I love her! You fucking bastard,' Emma screamed. 

'Is everything okay over there?'

David slapped Regina hard on the cheek, and Emma couldn't bear to think how much that must have hurt.

'Emma, Regina choked out from David's grip. Just do it.'

'Please, she whispered into the phone. He's hurting her, she's being hurt.'

'If you say 1 word more I'll snap her neck.' 

David was now holding Regina's neck tightly with both hands. Emma could see she was finding it hard to breathe. 

There was nothing she could do. 

She pressed end call, and allowed the phone to clutter to the floor. 

'Im glad we're on the same page,' David said with a smile. He loosened his grip on Regina, but still held on, as if to threaten her. 

'Get the fuck on with it,' Emma growled through her teeth, attempting to muster the fear that was already coursing through her body. 

He let Regina go, and pushed her towards Emma, forcing them to collide with one another awkwardly. 

'Im sorry, Emma, Regina whispered, tears pouring down her flushed cheeks. This is all my fault.'

'Its not your fault,' Emma responded, almost fondly stroking Regina's cheek to soothe her nerves. 

'If you two are finished? David muttered with distinct irritation. I think it would be much more fun for you to see me have sex with Regina,' he spoke to Emma with a grin. You see, although I remember our last meeting fondly, Regina is much better than you. And it would hurt to see me take advantage of her wouldn't it?'

Emma gritted her teeth in attempt to bear David's obvious attempts to hurt her. And oh did they. 

'But first, I'd like to see you together. Not sex, I've changed my mind. I'll save that pleasure for myself. But just close enough that you'll want to, and I'll tear it away.'

Regina stroked Emma's face gently, brushing a strand of golden blonde hair out of her eyes. 

'I didn't want it to happen like this, Regina whispers blushing. I didn't even know you liked me. I mean I hoped you-'

'Ssh, Regina. I know. But I don't just like you, I love you, Emma replied fondly, a small smile on her lips despite the circumstances. 

'Really?'

'Really.'

'Well that's good because I love you too, Regina replied, a smile also present on her lips. I'd hoped to tell you in different circumstances,' she added, the tears appearing once more on her rosy cheeks. 

'Me too, Emma replied with a sad smile. But I'm glad you know now.'

'Im glad too.'

'You two. Get to it. I didn't ask to hear you express your love for each other.'

Emma's eyes saddened further at the thought of what she would have to do. She didn't think of herself, she only thought of Regina at this moment. 

'Im sorry, she whispered to Regina. 

'No, Emma I'm sorry,' Regina replied, as more tears caressed her cheeks. This is my fault. I didn't know about you, I should have realised. I-'

'Get to it!' David commanded. They couldn't put it off any longer. 

'Should I?' Emma inquired quietly, Not sure where to start. 

Regina nodded, so the blonde began to remove her sweater, sliding it over her head as carefully as possible. Regina still cried and looked away as she continued.

'Im sorry,' she continued to whisper. 

Regina was wearing a tight black vest underneath, that revealed a lot of her soft, tanned skin. Emma couldn't help but remember the times she had dreamt of this moment. But if was all wrong. All over Regina's arms were branded, purple finger prints. He'd pressed so deep he'd left marks on her.

Regina caught her hand as Emma was about to stroke Regina's arms. 

'May I?' Regina asked her, and Emma's heart thudded so loud she was surprised that Regina and David hadn't noticed.

She couldn't help but think of herself at this moment, and the scars that were scattered across her pale skin. She didn't want Regina to see that, she didn't know what to say. 

Emma was tempted to shake her head in a no, but she didn't dare. She knew there would be severe consequences and she didn't want to think about how Regina could be hurt. 

'Emma?' Regina whispered. She hadn't realised she had zoned out for a moment. 

'Sorry, I was just- I'm not ready,' Emma spluttered out, tears spilling over onto her face. 

She saw Regina's sadness in her deep brown eyes and Emma could tell she understood perfectly. 

'Its okay, Emma we'll get through this together,' Regina whispered with what Emma thought she'd intended to be a comforting smile. 

Regina carefully slid off Emma's black jumper. The blonde was wearing a long sleeved blouse underneath. 

'Im sorry,' she heard Regina whisper as she began to unbutton Emma's blouse, button by button. 

Emma held her breath as she waited for the first set of scars to be revealed to Regina. She heard the brunette gasp in surprise. She couldn't look at her, Emma didn't want Regina to look at her and be ashamed. 

'Emma,' Regina whispered as she slid off the rest of the blouse, revealing only more deep scars contrasting against her milky skin. The blonde felt Regina gently trace lines over her stomach. She looked down, and saw Regina's eyes meet hers. 

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I never knew what to say,' Emma replied in barely a whisper. 

'My my, she heard David speak from where he stood by Regina's bed. I hadn't expected you to be a cutter, but then again, a freak like you, I should've expected it.'

'Dont talk about her like that, Regina snapped back, her eyes swirling with red. 

'Don't talk to me in that manner again Miss Mills, David replied with such authority, Emma almost saw Regina shrink in size. Now move along, please.'

'Why?' Regina whispered so quietly, so that David wouldn't hear. 

This was the moment Emma had been dreading. This question, the why. 

Emma saw the tears in her eyes, and the tears on her cheeks and she didn't know what to say. 

'You can tell me,' Regina persisted gently, stroking Emma's face with her hand. 

Emma reluctantly picked at the hem of Regina's vest, lifting it up to reveal more of her soft, tanned skin. She hadn't wanted it to happen like this. 

'Ever since that night, I've had nightmares, Emma whispered slowly, taking her time removing Regina's vest. And sometimes they're just too much. She took a deep breath and continued. Sometimes the world is too heavy, and I need to feel like I'm in control. But I haven't done it since I met you. I wanted to, but I didn't,' Emma added with a sad smile.  
There seemed to be a lot of smiles but they were all wrong, all sad, all full of hurt.

'Im proud of you,' Regina answered, looking into Emma's eyes, her words genuine. Emma was having trouble removing Regina's vest, she didn't want to make her uncomfortable. But she knew there was no way this was going to be comfortable. Regina noted her discomfort, and slid off her own vest, revealing her skin in varying shades of purple and blue; some of the bruises were yellowing with age. 

'He did this to you?' Emma whispered, her words angry yet so sad. 

Regina only nodded. Emma knew she must be gentle. This was going to hurt her and she didn't want to. She never wanted to be that person. 

'I don't want to hurt you.'

'You could never hurt me, Regina insisted with a smile. I trust you.'

'If you don't hurry up, I'll make you do it myself. For the love of God!' Emma heard David shout from the couch, but she only had eyes for Regina at this moment. 

'Do you want to, or should I? Emma asked quietly, stroking Regina's arms lightly. The question was one she didn't want to ask, but she knew she had to. 

'You can, if you want,' regina responded, slowly easing herself towards Emma. 

'Regina, I don't think-'

'Ssh Emma, it's okay. I don't want to do this either. Well not yet, Regina added with a blush. I.. I can.'

Regina let go of Emma, and quickly slipped off her trousers, now only wearing her bra and pants. 

'You're beautiful,' Emma whispered, beholding Regina's body. 

The brunette leant in and began to slide off Emma's own jeans, but she stopped her. 

'He's not here, it's just you and me. Just us, Regina whispered, a sad smile playing on her lips as more tears slid down. 

'Im sorry,' the brunette whispered. 

Emma didn't want to be touched, so she undid her own trousers and yanked them off, now only wearing her underwear like Regina. More scars were prominent on her legs and thighs and she knew that Regina noticed. 

'Emma you're...the brunette stuttered out, Emma you're so beautiful.' 

Emma couldn't stop herself crying. She felt so exposed, and open in a way she'd never wanted to feel again. 

'Now take them off,'David commanded, but she tried to ignore him. 

Her whole body started to shake at the thought of Regina seeing her naked. She wasn't ready, and she feared she never would be. 

'Emma it's okay,' Regina reassured her with a weak smile. But Emma could see she wasn't okay either. 

'Its not okay. You're not okay either.'

'We will be, she replied. I'm sorry, but we have to..we have to and it will be over sooner.'

'I know,' Emma replied. 

Regina stepped back, and unclipped her bra, and allowed it to drop to the floor. Emma couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked. The brunette covered her arms self consciously, but Emma only smiled. 

'You're so beautiful,' Emma whispered.

Regina smiled back which gave Emma the courage to do the same. She tugged off her bra and dropped it to the floor. 

'Emma, you're perfect,' she said in awe, Emma felt her eyes move up and down her body. She squirmed under the brunette's gaze. 

More tears slid from Regina's eyes as she hooked a finger under her pants and allowed them to drop down to her ankles. 

'Its okay, Regina, she found herself whispering. You're so beautiful.'

'As are you,' she replied as the brunette sobbed violently.

'Now we're talking, David chuckled from the couch. Just lose the panties, love.'

She tried to separate herself from her body as she stepped out if her underwear. She closed her eyes as they lay on the floor. 

'Thank you ladies, that was incredibly painful to watch. My heart broke I must admit. But now, Regina why don't you entertain me for a little?'

She heard Regina reply in a cold voice but it was evident that she was still crying. 

'Only if you let Emma go.'

'That wasn't my term Regina, I want her to watch.'

'David please,' she heard Regina whisper. 

'Open your eyes, love.'

She could tell he was talking to her but she did nothing. When she felt a rough hand on her arm she almost screamed. Her eyes shot open and she tried to push him off. 

'Thank you, Emma,' he said with a smug grin. 

'Get your hands off her!' Regina yelled, trying to pull David off Emma. 

She heard a thud as he pushed Regina to the ground, and a cry of pain as the brunette's fragile body hit the floor. 

'Oh my dear, your night has only just begun.'


	27. I love you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her blood turned cold at David's words. How was it possible he could hurt her more? And Emma, oh Emma. It was all her fault. Emma never should have had to do that. Selfish, selfish, selfish. But she couldn't help but be that way, she wanted Emma so much it hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> here's another chapter for you! 
> 
> Trigger warnings for rape and emotional trauma. Don't read if this could upset you. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Her blood turned cold at David's words. How was it possible he could hurt her more? And Emma, oh Emma. It was all her fault. Emma never should have had to do that. Selfish, selfish, selfish. But she couldn't help but be that way, she wanted Emma so much it hurt. 

She tried to cover herself up with her hands. She didn't want Emma to see her like this. It was too much. 

'Get up, Regina,' David yelled from above. The tears leaked from her eyes and she imagined his hands on her once more, holding her down as he took what he desired from her, and left her with nothing. 

She rose slowly, covering as much of her body as she possibly could. She stared at Emma, her face full of emotions that Regina couldn't quite pinpoint. 

'Why don't you take a seat Emma, enjoy the event.'

David directed Emma to the couch, he was still clutching her wrist in what looked like to be painfully. He flung her on the couch and Regina watched as she desperately covered herself up with a blanket. 

'Im sorry,' she mouthed at Emma as a tear slid down her cheek. 

'No, no, Emma shouted suddenly, I can't let you do this!'

'Emma, please, Regina whispered. I need you to do as he says.'

'Why Regina? Why the fuck are you going to let him hurt you?'

'I don't want you to get hurt,' the brunette replied gently. 

'But you will be if you let him!'

'Emma. Please. Don't make this any harder than it already is.'

'Come on Regina, give me a good show,' David growled, rubbing his hand over her smooth stomach as he guided her to the bed.

'Regina!' Emma shouted, though she no longer listened to her. Her voice was too heart breaking.

She slid onto her silk sheets, allowing David to pin her body down on to the bed. 

'Can you see from there?' He called back to Emma, a grin plastered on his sadistic face. 

Emma made no reply so Regina assumed she was closing her eyes. 

'If you close your eyes, I'll do it again, and again until you've watched for so long it burns into your eyes. So you better fucking watch,' David threatened. 

She couldn't breathe very well, David's hands were on top of her, restricting her lungs. Her heart was beating so fast she thought she might explode. 

'Why don't you come closer honey, get a better view? I want to make sure you see it when I fuck your girl.'

She heard Emma sit up and walk over. The blonde was still clutching a blanket to her naked body. This was even worse because Regina was looking at Emma, and Emma was looking at Regina and it hurt more than she knew the sex would. Emma's eyes were pained, and so haunted she couldn't even imagine - but the worst part is, she could imagine and she knew her eyes must look the same. 

'Please don't do this,' she whispered to David in a final attempt, his breath hot and tickled her face unpleasantly.

'Shut the fuck up,' David shouted, it seemed all his patience had been lost throughout the past 2 months. Her pleading had no effect on him. 

She couldn't look at Emma, not when she was so weak and vulnerable. As David removed his clothing one by one, Regina's heart beat faster and faster. She squirmed under his body, closing her eyes to avoid David seeing her cry. 

'Open your eyes!' He yelled at her, so she had to. She stared into his cold blue eyes, unfazed, and full of hunger and desire. When would this end? Now that her eyes were open she couldn't avoid the tears. It was bad enough that this was happening, but Emma was here, witnessing it all, probably being thrown back into the hell of her past and playing with demons. 

She heard Emma's heart breaking sobs despite the fact she wasn't looking at her. She tried to whisper that it was all okay, but her lips couldn't form the words. 

His rough hands rubbed up and down her body, pressing hard on her bruisers, causing her to wince and more tears fell out. He touched her all over, making her feel so dirty, so unclean, so worthless. 

He muttered words of pleasure as he fingered her, but the only thing she whispered was whimpers of pain. She wriggled under his touch, as if she could escape, but to no avail. If anything it made him hold her tighter.

She heard Emma cry more frantically and she tried to block it out. His hands moved faster up and down her body. 

He tugged her legs apart fiercely, and she couldn't breathe. Pain tore through her body as he pushed himself into her. She screamed but it was stopped mid way as he clamped his hand over her mouth. 

'Stop!' Emma screamed so loud Regina's heart broke in two. 

'You want this to happen again, Emma? David replied whilst he panted, his body pressed over Regina's, crushing her. 

The blonde made no sound, so David continued, digging his nails into her tender flesh. He acted like he was never going to stop. He never seemed satisfied. 

It felt like it lasted for hours, the pain was unbearable, mentally and physically she was in pain. When he finally lifted himself from her, she could barely move. The pain swirled and her head throbbed. 

'Thanks for that Regina, he whispered, staring down at her, a toothy grin playing on his face, same time again tomorrow?'

Regina made no attempt to move. Her eyes rolled to the side, ignoring both David and Emma. 

He slid off her, and yanked his clothes back on slowly. 

'Pleasure doing business with you, ladies,' David called to them. He strode out the door, and slammed it behind him. 

She felt Emma's hands on her, trying to pull her head round, but she resisted. The blondes hands were shaking. 

'Regina, she mumbled anxiously, the tears streaming down her cheeks onto Regina's face. 

'Regina!' Emma's voice broke as she cried out the brunette's name, but Regina still said nothing. 

She felt Emma cradle her body, as if she weighed absolutely nothing. 

'Regina,' she whispered into her brown hair. It was stuck to her forehead in dark clumps. 

Her sobs were quiet at first, but after a while Regina couldn't stop and they grew louder, and louder. 

'Regina, it's okay. I'm here.'

'Its not okay, Regina choked out. He hurt you.'

'And that is not your fault,' Emma whispered comfortingly to the brunette. 

'But it is, Regina sobbed, I brought you here. It's me.'

'No no, ssh it's all okay.'

'Its not fucking okay!' Regina screamed, trying to pull away from Emma's grasp. 

'Sshh, sshh,' Emma gently stroked the brunette's hair, holding Regina in her arms, rocking her as she cried. 

She felt Emma wrap a blanket round her as she held her tighter, her strong arms pulling her back together again. 

'Emma you can't come here again, Regina whispered, he'll come back, and you can't..you can't be hurt again.'

'Regina, don't say that. Remember what happened last time?' The blonde whispered, stroking a strand of hair out of Regina's face. 

'But Emma, the brunette choked out, you can't stay please.'

'Regina,' Emma sobbed, the tears pouring out if her eyes. 

Regina knew Emma must be upset but she couldn't do this, she needed to be alone, she needed to protect Emma. 

'Let me stay. I can help,' Emma coaxed.

'I need to be alone..I need..'

'No matter how much you think you need to be alone, it's not true,' Emma replied.

'I know, Regina said sadly, but I would feel happier if you went away for a while.'

'You want me gone?' Emma whispered, her eyes filled with sadness. 

'No, Emma no. Never. I love you, Regina replied, cupping Emma's chin and smiling fondly at the blonde. I just..I want you to be safe,' she whispered as a tear slipped from her eye. 

'I am safe, with you,' Emma answered, cupping Regina's face in return.

'No, I can't protect you, Regina whispered. Please, Emma do as I ask.'

'But Regina, you're not okay.'

'I will be, with time,' she replied with a sad smile.

'Okay, Emma said, and rose from Regina's arms. 

Regina watched as she put on her clothes and smiled at her as she stood by the bed. 

'Emma?' 

'Yes, Regina?'

'Promise me you'll call. I need to know if you're okay. Please.'

'I will, Emma replied. Only if you call me too.'

'I will,' Regina replied, holding herself in a cuccoon of blankets. 

'I love you,' Emma whispered as she opened the door of Regina's apartment. 

'I love you too,' Regina said, her voice wobbling as Emma shut the door behind her, leaving her alone.


	28. Waiting for the train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She stumbled down the stairs of Mifflin Block, ignoring the lift. She needed to get out. Her legs were wobbling violently, as she tripped out. She had just shut the door on Regina. The woman she loved. And she left her alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short, but incredibly emotional chapter for you all. I feel like this is one of the point this story has been working up to for me, I hope you enjoy it. A coincidence that it happen to be a special number for us Oncers. 
> 
> Serious trigger warnings for self harm, and suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> Feedback is appreciated!

She stumbled down the stairs of Mifflin Block, ignoring the lift. She needed to get out. Her legs were wobbling violently, as she tripped out. She had just shut the door on Regina. The woman she loved. And she left her alone. But Regina didn't even want her. Well that wasn't technically true. But her brain shouted it out to her over and over, forcing it onto her lips. Blaring it out like a speaker in her head, she could hear nothing else.

_She doesn't want you_

_Nobody does_

She walked out onto the street, it was early evening and the sky was only just beginning to darken for the night.

He was all she could see, his face in her mind, fucking her, fucking Regina like the bastard he was. It was engraved in her mind. His fingers on Regina, and her, all over her, as if it was happening again. She could see it so clearly. It was in parallel, both abused by the same man.

She clung onto herself, wrapping her arms around her ribs to stop herself shattering. She didn't think she could be any more broken. She ran home as fast as she could, falling over a few times, stumbling over her own feet.

When she arrived home, she flung herself into her bed, the tears steaming down her face uncontrollably. All that had happened that day lay fresh in her mind.

She thought of Regina. She was so beautiful, her shy face, her tanned skin. But bruised- she had been in pain, and that hurt Emma deeply. She never wanted that for Regina. She deserved so much more. She was worth so much more. But she wouldn't let her turn out like her, broken beyond repair. Regina would be okay, she was strong, unlike her.

She sat up, her hair in clumps, tears streaming down her face and stumbled into the kitchen, reaching for a drink that might ease her mind.

She poured herself a shot of vodka as she thought of David. Not David, she corrected, him. He had shamed her so deeply. He had forced her to assault Regina. To undress her when she was not willing. She had had that done to herself, and she never thought she would do it to someone she loved. She couldn't come back from that.

Regina had seen her cuts, David had seen them too. Such a thing she had never wanted to share. Regina never should have had that burden thrust upon her. She already had enough torture. And Emma being in her life only added a bucketload more. The tears didn't stop. She knew they wouldn't stop for a long while.

She drank another shot, hoping to drown her sorrows in drink. She felt him on her. She felt her eyes on her scars. They stung as if they had just been created. And she craved to create more. Her body felt so empty. And she needed to cause herself pain, she needed control.

Running to the bathroom she searched around, for the thing she knew would give her a release. She found the blades, hidden in a bag in the back of her bathroom cabinet, and clutched them in her shaking hands.

Maybe she should text Regina?

Her phone was in her back pocket, so she grabbed it easily and searched Regina's contact. 

_Gina?_

But she just couldn't. She couldn't send it. She couldn't do that to her. She couldn't be a burden. Regina had gone through so much. She didn't deserve Emma's problems. She had to do this alone.

She couldn't stop herself, and she dragged the blade slowly across her wrist, allowing the blood to seep out and trickle to the floor. Again and again she dug it into her pale skin, the deep red coating her arm and the floor in a steadily growing puddle. Fresh lines covered her thighs, stomach and wrists. She felt sick, and weak. For a brief moment, it had made her feel better, but now, she felt even worse.

Her head was spinning at the sight of all the blood on the floor.

She ran back into her main room and grabbed the bottle of Vodka and took a swig to numb the pain of the cuts that she already regretted. She got a text from Regina:

_are you okay?_

She didn't want to reply, she couldn't let her know what she'd just done.

Her head was pounding, images flashed In front of her eyes, David, Regina, sex, blood, so much blood she couldn't breathe.

_emma?_

The apartment suddenly felt confining. She needed to get out, and get some fresh air.

She stumbled down the stairs, into the dark light of the street. She didn't know why but she felt the need to run to the train station. She ran blindly in the dark, her cuts still bleeding out and staining her jeans and shirt she'd just put on to leave.

She turned the corner into the dingy station, no lights prevailing from the street outside. She sat slumped as the rain started to pour, dripping down the bridge of her nose, pouring in a steady stream and collecting in her lashes. Her head was spinning, and her mind racing. Her cuts stung as the rain got heavier and heavier.

It felt so heavy like she was underwater, moving slowly, deleting.

So she pictured Regina, pacing up and down on the platform, the first time she met her. Her eyes angry, her dark silky hair parted over one shoulder.

She pictured Regina, smiling at her as she sat on the train.

She pictured Regina crying next to her, and She was holding her, so tight she didn't think she could let go.

She pictured Regina, lying trapped under David's arms, screaming for him to stop.

The blonde looked down at her own shaking hands, stained with blood, the rain collecting in little droplets her palms. 

_Emma? Call me_

She saw Regina, she saw David, she saw everything. She couldn't do this. Nobody wanted her. nobody needed her. It would be so easy to go.

Suddenly, she knew what to do. She sat up slowly and stood at the side of the platform, and waited for the train.


	29. Saving Emma Swan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma wouldn't answer. Stupid beautiful Emma. It's probably nothing. She's probably in bed. That's all. Then why did she feel like something terrible was about to happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, another chapter, and an extra long one too!
> 
> Trigger warning for self harm, and implied rape. Also a suicide attempt, please don't read if this could trigger you, or upset you in any way. I'm sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, I tried to get this out to you as soon as possible! 
> 
> I hope you guys like it :)

Emma wouldn't answer. Stupid beautiful Emma. It's probably nothing. She's probably in bed. That's all. Then why did she feel like something terrible was about to happen?

She tried calling her, her anxiety growing, time and time again until finally on the 3rd try she picks up.

'Emma?'

'Regina,' the blonde slurred. It sounded like she'd been crying. 

'Are you okay?'

'Im fine.'

'Then why do I get the feeling that you're lying to me?'

There was a pause on the phone. The brunette waited anxiously for Emma's answer. 

'Im not lying. Everything is going to be okay soon.' 

The blondes words sounded so incredibly cryptic, Regina's heart began beating that little bit faster. 

'Is it because of what I said? About me needing some time? Because that doesn't mean that I don't want you.'

'No. I, I mean it won't go away.'

'What won't go away?'

'I can't stop seeing it, it's like it's engraved in my mind, eternally looping.'

'What is, Emma?' 

'You. Me. David. The sex. His face. His hands, it's like I can feel him touching me.'

'Hes not really there Emma, Regina whispered, trying to soothe the obviously traumatised blonde. It's just you and me.'

'But you're not really here.'

'I could be. Where are you?'

'The train station.'

'What are you doing there?' Regina asked worriedly. Emma didn't sound like she was totally with it. 

'Waiting for the train.'

'What? Are you going somewhere?'

'Hopefully. Somewhere where I don't have to deal with this life anymore.'

'We can both go, together. You don't have to be alone.' Her voice wobbled, she hoped Emma didn't mean what she worried about so much. 

Regina had already begun getting on some clothes, she quickly yanked on the first thing she found in her wardrobe. Something was so wrong.

'Where I'm going you can't follow.'

'Why not?'

'You deserve a long happy life, Regina. You're perfect in every way, whereas me, I'm just not made for life, we don't fit right together.'

She slipped out the door quickly and quietly, making her way swiftly to the train station. She could hear her heart beat thumping so loudly in her head. 

'Thats not true, Emma, she whispered back. You deserve happiness. So much happiness.'  
She needed to keep Emma talking, she needed to know that she would still be alive when she got there. She ran faster than she'd ever done in her life before. 

'Im sorry Regina, I just don't believe that.'

'Why?'

'I fuck up. I always do. The assault was my fault. I pushed you away, I hurt you. You deserve better. I should have stayed in the bathroom I'm sorry I caused you more pain.'

'Emma, we've been through this, it's not your fault. And you deserve the world. Emma you're my everything.'

She was only a minute away now, she could see it, a dark and menacing shadow at the end of the street. 

'How could you possibly want me?'

She was running so fast at this point, everything was a blur. She turned the corner of the platform, and she saw Emma, a streaky black silhouette, perched on the end of the platform, as if she could jump at any moment.

'Emma!' She shouted to the blonde. She turned, and as Regina got closer she could see the fear in her eyes.

'Get away from me! She shouted to Regina as the brunette approached. You can't stop me!'

'Emma you're not thinking this through. You've drunk too much, and you've had a bad day. Please don't make that a reason.'

'I told you Regina, I'm a fuck up, Emma replied, whispering now as Regina got closer to her, if you let me stay I'll only ruin your life, or someone else's. I always do.'

'Thats not true. Emma don't you see you've made my life so much better?'

'Regina I assaulted you! He fucked you because of me!'

Regina's shoulders slumped at the memory, tears coming to her eyes. 

'It wasn't your fault. Emma it was my fault, don't ever blame yourself.'

'No, no never, never your fault.'

A light appeared in the distance, slowly getting brighter by the second, lighting up the dark trees around it. It was the train.

Regina could see Emma notice it, as the blonde stepped a little closer to the line.

'Emma, please! I need you.'

Emma did nothing but smile.

'How fitting that I should leave you where it all began.'

'Ill do whatever you want Emma, anything! Please. Stop.'

'It's not you, it's me. I can't live like this anymore.'

'We can get help, we can do this. Together.'

The light was getting close now, and Regina could hear the familiar chugging of the train. Something so familiar In a whole new light.

'If you do this, I'll never forgive you.'

'Maybe you will, in time. And that's enough.'

The train was so close, Regina could feel it whip her hair and her thick black cotton trench coat.

Emma stood poised, like a bird ready to take flight. Regina grabbed her waist and pulled her back, just as the train flew past, knocking them over with a gust of wind, into a pile on the platform.

The brunette sat up slowly, her head and body throbbing from the impact the floor had had on her already fragile body. Emma lay beside her, unmoving.

'Emma!' Regina screamed out, her already broken heart in tatters.

But she was okay, she was still breathing. Just unconscious. Regina had saved her, pulled her out of the way. She cradled her in her arms as if she was the most precious thing in the world, and to Regina, she was. 

She didn't realise how light Emma was until she picked the blonde up and carried her home. She clutched her in her arms and she swore she'd never let go of her again. 

When she got into her light apartment, the first thing she noticed was the blood, still pouring from freshly made cuts. Her heart sank, and she felt sick with worry. Some of them looked deep. She needed to get them cleaned and checked. 

Unfortunately, it was this moment that Emma woke. She looked groggy, probably from the excessive amount of alcohol she had likely consumed. 

'Gina?' Emma mumbled into Regina's dark hair, clawing at the brunette to set her down. 

'Its okay Emma, I'm here.'

'Why are you here, aren't I in hell?'

'No, my sweet you're not, Regina replied gently. You're at my apartment.'

The blonde rubbed her head in confusion, 'what happened?' 

'Don't you remember?' 

'I..Emma stuttered. She looked around wildly, and noticed the blood soaking her clothes. Regina saw her eyes darken in realisation. You saved me,' she muttered, seeming angry and upset. 

'Of course I did, Regina replied calmly but indignantly. I love you, Emma. And I don't intend to lose you so soon. But that doesn't mean I'm not pissed,' she added.

Emma said nothing in return. Regina thought she hadn't heard until she noticed the tears trickling down her lovers face. 

'Emma,' Regina breathed out, wanting to hold her but not daring. She didn't know how Emma would react and she didn't want to risk it. 

'You should've let me die,' Emma said thickly, looking down into her blood stained palms. 

'Emma, no! Regina shouted. I can't lose you.'

'I should go. I'm sorry.'

'Emma no, we haven't talked.'

'What is there to talk about?' Emma snapped harshly, and it dug into Regina's heart. She had to remind herself the other woman was intoxicated. 

Regina couldn't help but let the tears slide. She was so tired. And seeing Emma like this hurt like hell, she couldn't help it. She sobbed, her shoulders shaking, finally falling with the weight of it all.

'Regina, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,' Emma whispered over and over, sounding frantic, noticing Regina's fresh tears. I.. I..don't, I can't..'

'Please, Emma. Don't ever leave again, even if I ask you too because I don't mean it.'

'Okay.'

'Don't do this to me again. Please? You promised.'

'I promised I'd try,' Emma mumbled, her head looking at the floor.

Regina sobs began to subside, and she managed to control herself long enough to come to her senses. 

'I need to fetch the first aid kit from the bathroom.'

'Why?'

'Because you're hurt.'

'Regina it's nothing,' Emma replied, sounding ashamed and even a little afraid. 

'Dont tell me it's nothing Emma Swan, don't you dare.'

She strode over to the bathroom cabinet, and unlocked the first aid box. She called to Emma from the bathroom, and laid the first aid kit out on the floor. 

She sensed Emma's presence in the doorway.

'Regina, -'

'Sit down please,' Regina ordered, gesturing to the floor we she already was crouched. 

Emma walked over slowly, and crouched down, a whimper escaped her lips as she did so. Regina knew she must be in great pain. 

'Can you give me your wrists please Emma,' she whispered, a wobble present in her voice but she tried to remain calm. 

She knew Emma must be tense right now, but she ignored that. She needed to be looked after. She needed to clean off the blood to see how much damage Emma had done. 

Emma reluctantly held out her bloody wrists and turned away, as if she couldn't bear to look. Regina gently rubbed at them with a washcloth. She felt the blonde wince at the warm water but this had to be done.

When she had washed it away, she examined Emma's cuts. Some were extremely deep, and still bleeding. Regina was surprised Emma was still conscious. She knew Emma had to be taken to a hospital to get these checked out, but for some reason, she just couldn't find the words to say it. 

Instead she mumbled, 'why didn't you call me?'

'I didn't want to be a burden,' Emma whispered quietly in return and Regina saw Emma's body begin to shake. 

'You're never a burden.'

Emma didn't reply to this, so Regina continued to work, gently washing the blood off Emma's arms. 

'Emma could you lift up your shirt for me please?'

She didn't move. 

'Emma please, Regina whispered, exasperated. I need you to participate.'

'Where have I heard that before?' Emma mumbled, her voice overflowing with spite.

All it took was Emma's words to fling her backwards into a nightmare. Her breathing heightened and she could feel him on her, as if he'd never left.

'Regina?'

'Regina it's Emma, I'm sorry. Fuck I'm sorry. Fuck fuck.'

It was Emma's tears that brought Regina back, if only to comfort the blonde she had grown to love so much. 

'Its okay, she replied. I'm fine.' 

'You're not okay, fuck.'

'Emma calm down, I'm okay, see?'

She smiled weakly, trying to show her all was well. 

'Im sorry. Forgive me. Please.'

'Theres nothing to forgive,' Regina replied softly.

'Now please, can you lift up your shirt?' Regina repeated, but more gently this time. She was too tired for much more. 

'Im sorry, she whispered as she softly dabbed at Emma's stomach, I'm sorry but I have to check these out.'

She hadn't thought she'd be touching Emma again, so soon after what had happened. The thought of it, it hurt her, and she knew Emma must be in pain too.

'I understand, Emma whispered in reply. Thank you.'

'For what?' 

'For saving me. For helping me. Giving me a reason to smile, and most of all giving me a reason to live.' 

'No need, Regina replied with a smile, I'd do it again, and again if I had to. But I hope I won't,' she added, a seriousness to her voice to suggest to Emma that they still had thing yet to talk about. 

Wiping up the blood only revealed more scarily deep cuts and scars, oozing more blood despite the fact she had already cleaned them. Maybe she should put on some antiseptic? She'd wait, until she'd cleaned Emma up completely.

'Where else did you cut?' She asked Emma gently, not wanting to ask, but she needed to know.

'Thighs,' Emma whispered. 

She didn't want to touch Emma that close, it felt too intimate. 

'Emma, I -'

'Its okay, Regina. I know you won't hurt me.'

The blonde lowered her jeans slightly, revealing more blood. The stench of it was making Regina's head spin. 

'You know, she said as she began to clean Emma's thighs, thickly coated in a sticky blood, we need to talk about this.'

'What?'

'This, Emma. You can't pretend that this didn't happen.'

'Why not?

'Becuse I'm worried about you, and it's something I feel we need to address.'

'What if I don't want to?' 

She was too exhausted for this. She stopped mopping at the blood and stared at Emma right in the eyes. 

'I don't want to find you in a puddle of your own blood again, Emma. I want to help. And I can't if you don't let me in.'

Regina I-'

'I know, I can't force you. But Emma I can't lose you, I can't, Regina sobbed out. Please.' 

Emma placed a soft kiss on Regina's head as the brunette cried. 

'You won't.' 

'How will I know that for sure?' 

'Please not now.'

'But when? Emma? I've put this off for too long. You can't keep things bottled up inside, you'll explode. You've been through so much.'

'As have you.'

Regina winced, but continued.   
'We're not talking about me.'

'Well maybe we should be.'

'Don't try and distract me Emma, it won't work,' she muttered. She began wiping tenderly at Emma's thighs. She couldn't help but allow the tears to escape. This was too much. 

'Emma..She said slowly, some of these are quite deep, and I -'

'No.'

'What?'

'I said no. I know exactly what you're going to say.'

The brunette sighed, almost defeated at this point. 

'Emma please, these could get infected and -'

'I said no.'

'Fine, Regina mumbled as she rose, and walked out of the bathroom. If Emma was going to be like this then she just couldn't deal. She looked around her messy apartment. But she could see him everywhere. Her bed, her couch, her kitchen. She would never be safe from him. 

She found a corner by a plant pot, and she curled up in a ball, so tiny and she sobbed as if nothing would ever go right again.

'Regina?' She heard Emma whisper as she approached. 

'Regina, I'm sorry. I'll admit I'm afraid. She looked up into the blondes eyes, and saw that she was. Emma groaned as she slid down next to Regina, obviously in unbearable pain still. I can't go to hospital. I just can't.'

'Why not?'

'They'll ask me how I got them and they'll think I'm crazy and lock me away.'

'You know I wouldn't let that happen. But Emma you can't deny that you need help.' She gently stroked the blondes hand, it was cold so she held it tighter. 

'I don't need help.'

'Emma. Please.'

'I don't need help Regina, I can do this alone.'

'That hasn't got you very far.'

'Im still not going to hospital.'

'Okay, Regina whispered. But can I at least put antiseptic on those?'

'Fine, Emma muttered, and she rose slowly, trying to avoid her clothes digging in too much. 

They both walked into the bathroom, and bent back on the floor. 

'Im gonna have to get you some clean clothes after this,' Regina sighed. She was still exhausted, but she didn't want to sleep in her own bed. 

'Im sorry,' Emma whispered, looking down in sadness. 

'Don't worry Emma, you leant some to me, she replied with a smile. But I'm sorry when I apply this, it's going to hurt.'

'I know,' Emma replied through gritted teeth.

When she daubed it on gently, Emma yelled loudly in pain.   
'Im sorry, Emma but I need to clean these.'

It was a painful 10 minutes whilst Regina applied the antiseptic, and Emma whimpered and cried out.

'Im done it's okay, she whispered to the blonde. Just bandages now okay?'

Emma nodded and Regina couldn't help but gently stroke her face. 

The brunette grabbed some clean sweat pants, and a vest for the blonde and handed them to her. 

'Regina..'

'Yes, Emma?'

'Could I have some assistance please?' The blonde asked hesitantly. 

'Of course, Regina replied instantly.'

She carefully pulled up Emma's top, making sure to avoid pressing on her wounds. 

'Itll be easier if I bandage it now okay?'

Emma nodded tensely, so Regina grabbed a roll of bandage and cut it in long strips. She gently wrapped it round Emma's arms, making sure every cut was covered with white. She also wrapped it carefully round Emma's stomach, checking it wasn't too tight. 

'Is that okay?' Regina asked after noticing Emma wince. 

'Its fine, thank you,' the blonde assured her. 

Once she'd finished bandaging Emma's torso, she pulled over the fresh vest. 

She was hesitant about touching Emma again, but she knew she had to get Emma comfortable, and safe. 

'Do you need me to-'

'I can, it's okay,' Emma replied, unzipping her trousers once more, and sliding them down with a wriggle of her hips. 

She felt Emma tense a little more as she delicately wrapped more bandages round her thighs. 

'Emma, I'm sorry,' Regina said quietly.

'Don't be, this is my fault,' Emma answered. 

'Hey don't say that, if it's anyone's fault it's mine.'

'No..it's his fault,' Emma said bitterly but with also sadness in her voice. 

'Yes,' Regina whispered somberly, haunted by his memory.

Once Regina was done with the bandages, she handed Emma the sweat pants and she put them on carefully. 

'What now?' Emma said into the empty silence of Regina's apartment. 

'I don't know, Regina replied. Talk I guess.'

Emma wrinkled her brow in annoyance, 'Now?'

'Well we have to some time,' Regina replied brusquely, striding past Emma into her bedroom. 

The mess was still present, and clothes were strewn all over the place. 

All she felt when she looked at her bed was David on her, over her. It was too much.

She felt Emma standing behind her.

'Maybe not here,' she said suddenly, and looked around her apartment for somewhere, anywhere that hadn't been infected. 

'Why don't we go to my place?' Emma suggested gently, placing a hand on Regina's shoulder. 

'Probably a good idea, Regina replied gratefully. Should I bring clothes?'

'Yeah, okay.' 

The brunette grabbed randomly from her wardrobe, looking for anything vaguely comfortable. She noticed Emma's cream sweater lying crumpled on the floor. She picked it up, and held it to her chest. She had to take it. 

'Ready?' Emma asked.

'Ready,' she affirmed. 

When she had packed, the two women headed out into the early morning light.


	30. Do we have a deal?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reached Emma's house quickly, walking fast because of the cold air that stung at them. Regina had lent Emma a cardigan but it wasn't enough, she was still freezing cold. Luckily, her apartment wasn't that far. Strange that they lived so close, yet had never seen each other until that day on the train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, another chapter for you all! 
> 
> Trigger warning for implied self harm, and refers to sexual abuse. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy, feedback is appreciated as always :)

They reached Emma's house quickly, walking fast because of the cold air that stung at them. Regina had lent Emma a cardigan but it wasn't enough, she was still freezing cold. Luckily, her apartment wasn't that far. Strange that they lived so close, yet had never seen each other until that day on the train.

When they arrived, the blonde unlocked the door, and ushered Regina inside the dingy apartment. It was a mess, and Emma cursed herself for not tidying it for Regina's arrival. But she guessed she couldn't have known, she had thought she would've been dead already, so tidying hadn't really mattered. But she wasn't, Regina had saved her. Now she needed to make things different. 

'Coffee?' She asked the brunette. She noticed the dark circles that framed Regina's eyes. She'd kept her up so late. Crap. 

Regina nodded to Emma's question, so she began to fill the kettle with cold water, and picked up two mugs from the cupboard.

'Sorry, I don't have a fancy coffee machine like you,' the blonde jested. Regina only chuckled slightly in reply. 

She handed the brunette a black coffee in a large, white mug. It was her favorite because it was nice too hold. Regina deserved more than a mug she liked, but that would have to do for now. 

Walking past her, she strode to her littered couch, and gestured for Regina to follow.

They sat in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say but also knowing what was at stake. 

'So..the brunette muttered, I guess we have a lot to talk about.'

'I guess we do,' Emma replied softly.

'I..I..um,' Regina muttered, sounding unsure. 

'What is it?' Emma asked gently. 

'I would like it if you would get some help..for this,' she gestured towards Emma's body, referring to the bandages she had recently applied. 

'Regina, I don't need -'

'Yes, you don't need help, I get it, Regina replied, sounding vaguely frustrated but also incredibly sad. But I think it would really help if you maybe spoke to someone about how you feel.'

'Im not talking to a fucking therapist,' Emma replied angrily. 

'I didn't mean that necessarily, Regina said gently. What about group therapy?'

'If it has the word therapy in, I'm gonna have to say no, thank you.'

'Emma, Regina whispered, sounding upset, I only want you to be okay.'

'I'm fine.'

'Im not giving up on this.'

'Neither am I.'

'Okay,' Regina replied, sounding more and more tired, despite her coffee. Emma knew she was being difficult, but this was something she knew she just couldn't do. 

'But can't you do it, for me?'

Emma stared at the bandages wrapped around her arms, and sighed. She didn't know if she was strong enough. 

'Regina, I don't know if I can.'

'Why, what's stopping you?'

'Im afraid, Emma muttered sadly, I'm not good at talking to people about things...and therapists speak a load of bullshit.'

'In group therapy there are just people, with coping mechanisms just like yours, they're real people with things they need help on. And you could really benefit from it. And you're not going to be alone Emma, not ever,' Regina insisted. 

'Therapists still speak bullshit.'

'Thats just an excuse,' the brunette muttered sadly. 

'Whats your coping mechanism?' Emma asked suddenly. 

'You,' Regina whispered, a small smile appearing on her lips. 

'Me?'

'Yes you Emma Swan, she said with a chuckle. You make me happy. Unless you're out to hurt yourself, she whispered with a sad smile, then you make me unhappy. But something about you makes me feel like we were meant to be together.'

'You really believe that?'

'I do, Emma. I do.'

'I didn't figure you as one for the fate bullshit.'

Regina stared playfully at Emma for a second, but it was then replaced by the sad smile she wore nowadays. 

'No not that smile, the other one.'

'What?'

'Don't do your sad smile, give me the one you gave me before all this shit happened.'

She tried, and Emma gave her credit for it. 

'Almost there,' she teased, and pulled at Regina's cheek gently, tweaking it into a smile.

The smile Regina gave back was toothy, happy, and perfect.

'Thats it!' Emma replied happily. 

This only made Regina smile more, and it was beautiful. Her eyes crinkled and sparkled, and her teeth flashed white in genuine happiness. 

Emma hated to ruin this moment. She never wanted it to end. But there was something on her mind. She had to ask about David. Regina needed to do something about it, and she was going to help.

'What are you going to do about..?'  
Emma asked gently, placing her hand over Regina's gently. 

'I don't know,' The brunette replied, her smile vanished, as if it had never been there.

'You've got to tell someone.'

'You think anyone would believe me?' Regina asked, sounding exasperated. 

'They don't need to at first, you have proof.'

'What?'

'The bruises,' Emma whispered, and she saw Regina hold herself a little tighter, as if to stop herself crumbling. 

'Emma, I'm not going to show Mr Jones my bruises,' she said quietly, shaking her head slowly. 

'If you tell him, he can get the asshole fired.'

'For all I know, David's already been feeding him lies.' 

'Take a chance, for me,' Emma replied, taking Regina's hand and squeezing lightly for encouragement. 

'Why don't we make a deal?'

'I don't like where this is headed,'  
Emma mumbled.

Regina continued, 'If I tell Mr Jones what's been..going on, you go to group therapy.'

Emma felt sick, and said nothing. 

'I think it would help,' she said to the blonde with a gentle smile. 

The blonde tried a different tactic. 

'Regina, if anything you should come with me.'

'What? Why?' Regina asked, sounding surprised but mildly scared. 

'You..you, Emma stuttered, you've been through so much. Maybe you're right, maybe if we both talked about it, maybe it would help.'

'Emma, I don't need to talk about anything, I'm fine,' Regina replied, still looking shocked at the suggestion. 

'There you go, Emma answered with a slight chuckle, hypocrite.'

'Emma, I-'

'It would make me feel a lot better if I knew you were getting help too. We can do it together.'

'Emma I don't know if I can..'

'We can do it together, Regina please,' Emma whispered, stroking the brunette's hand with her pale fingers. 

'Okay, Regina whispered, concentrating on Emma's fingers on her hand. I guess if I'm making you, I could at least come along, and give it a try.'

'It's gonna be okay Gina, I promise.'

'How is it if you can't even promise me you'll stay safe?' The brunette implored, looking straight into Emma's eyes. 

'Ill get help, like you wanted, and I'll get better. You'll see.'

'Really?'

'Really. I promised,' Emma replied with a gentle smile. 

'So we're both going to therapy. Great,' Regina muttered.

'It could really help,' Emma replied, imitating Regina. 

The brunette laughed, and so did Emma, and in that moment there was more hope than there had ever been before.


	31. Spilling her secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She hadn't been to work in almost a week. She'd been checking in with Belle every now and again, to make sure she wasn't too behind. Belle was covering for her as well as she could, to which Regina was grateful. But she couldn't help but feel incredibly nervous as she walked in to the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, another chapter!
> 
> I know I updated already today but I got really overexcited and wrote another chapter, I'm just feeling really inspired. 
> 
> Trigger warnings due to mentions of rape and violence. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy! :)

She hadn't been to work in almost a week. She'd been checking in with Belle every now and again, to make sure she wasn't too behind. Belle was covering for her as well as she could, to which Regina was grateful. But she couldn't help but feel incredibly nervous as she walked in to the building. Emma had been comforting her on the train that morning, but as soon as she had walked in, all the fear, all the hurt had piled back on.

'Good morning, Belle, she called with a smile as she walked into her office. Regina had chosen a trouser suit that morning, mainly for confidence. Emma had persuaded her to buy it with her fond eyes and descriptive compliments.

'Good morning Miss Mills, Bell said cheerily. I didn't know you were coming in this morning, feeling better?'

'Yes, I am thank you, Miss French, she replied. Is Mr Jones in this morning, Belle?' She added nervously.

'Yes, I believe he is. Would you like me to call and see if he's free?'

'Yes, please Belle, thank you,' she replied gratefully.

'Ill ring through to let you know,' Belle said.

'Thanks again.' The sight of her office however, made her feel incredibly sick. She remembered the last time she was here. So much had happened since. It was like her apartment, he had contaminated almost all of it. She was going to have to redecorate completely.

The phone rang suddenly, and Regina strode over to her desk, busy with unfinished papers, and picked it up.

'Hi Miss Mills, Mr Jones will see you in ten minutes if that's okay? He's just talking to a foreign business partner. Is that alright for you?'

'Yes, thank you Belle. Also, please could you make sure no one disturbs me until then.'

'Gotcha Miss Mills.'

Regina waited anxiously, her heart beating fast as she stared at the ticking clock. What was she doing? She couldn't seriously tell Mr Jones David had been..what had he been doing? No. No she couldn't. She felt a buzz from her pocket.

_Good luck Gina, it's all gna be okay. Have a great day :) x_

It was from Emma. Regina's heart fluttered, but in the right way this time; she texted back quickly. 

_Thank you, hope you have a great day too, R x_

She received another text a minute later.

_Love you Regina x_

_I love you too, Emma x_

The brunette looked at the clock, there were still 5 minutes to go. She got up and paced anxiously about her room, avoiding the sofa. She opened the door, and she saw Belle, sitting busily typing out some emails.

'Belle?'

'Yes Miss Mills?'

'Is there any chance I could get an office redecoration in the budget?'

'I don't know Miss Mills, why do you ask?'

'Oh no reason really, I just wanted it to feel like a better working environment, she lied spontaneously.'

'Okay, Ill have a look.'

'Thank you,' Regina replied.

Ten minutes had gone by at last, so she walked anxiously, but quickly to Mr Jones office, hoping she wouldn't see David lurking anywhere. The door was menacing, as she knew what conversation waited for her when she went inside.

She hesitated before she knocked, but Emma gave her the courage.

'Come in,' Mr Jones called from inside.

'Ah, Miss Mills. Take a seat please,' he said when he saw her enter his office.

'Thank you,' she replied, her voice wobbling with anxiety. She sat down gingerly in the padded leather chair opposite Mr Jones, feeling his gaze on her as she did so.

'I hear you've not been feeling well. Everything okay?' He inquired.

'Well that's sort of what I'm here to talk about actually.'

'Oh really? How so? You're not leaving us are you Regina?' he asked, concerned.

'I hope not,' she stuttered.

'Ah well, good. What is it I can help you with?'

'Uh, well...shit, she thought to herself, how was she going to say this out loud? It's kind of a sensitive topic, if you understand.'

'Of course, what can I do to help?'

She could barely breathe her heart was racing do fast. Her lips couldn't quite form the words. But she promised Emma. If she didn't do this, then Emma wouldn't get the help she so desperately needed.

'Is everything alright, Regina?'

'Yes, she replied quickly. Come on Regina, she whispered to herself, get a grip. Actually no, not really. You see that's what I'm here about,' she added. She needed to do this.

'What is it?' He asked almost kindly.

'Uh well, you know Mr Nolan? My new boss that is.' Even saying his name made her feel sick.

'Yes, of course. What about him? Do you not like him?'

'Uh well it's not that specifically,' Regina stuttered. Oh god she was making a mess of this.

'Okay,' Mr Jones replied, pressing his hands together, in concentration, ( or maybe intimidation, Regina thought )

'I don't really know how to put this, Mr Jones,' she said anxiously.

'Its okay, Regina. Take all the time you need.' 'Okay,' she whispered, feeling the tears begin to well up in her eyes.

'Would you care for a tissue Miss Mills?'

'Oh, No thank you,' she replied hastily. She hadn't realised she'd actually let a few tears slip. She took a few deep breaths.

'Regina, Mr Jones said, you've been working for me for a few years now, and honestly I've never seen you look this upset. What is it?'

She had to let it out, she had to tell him.

'Mr Nolan, she said slowly, the tears began falling freely, for the past month or so he's been working for you, has...has...Regina thought she was going to throw up any second. He has been abusing me, almost every day he's been here,' she finally choked out, sobbing chaotically. Mr Jones looked shocked and disgusted from what she could see on his face.

'Regina, I'm sorry, he replied, bewildered. How so?' He seemed upset, and confused when he spoke to her.

'I mean, it started as touched, nothing more, she replied hysterically, but then he..he kissed me, and pulled my hair,' she whispered, and flinched at the word.

'I'll have a talk to him as soon as possible,' Mr Jones said firmly.

'He also..um abused me in a sexual way, the brunette stuttered.'

Mr Jones sighed, and ran his fingers through his short black hair.

'Did he, I mean did he.. Okay let me put it bluntly Regina. Did he rape you?' Mr jones inquired, sounding very awkward, but also angry in a way that made Regina afraid.

She couldn't speak so she nodded quickly, noting the horror spreading of Mr Jones' face.

'He did this often?'

'Yes, Regina replied. Not at first..but then most days. He also came to my house, she added quietly.'

'Fuck, Mr jones commented. I hope you'll mind my language Regina, these are special circumstances.' He looked at her sadly as he spoke. There was a moment of long silence until Mr Jones spoke again.

'Ill get him in here as soon as you've gone.'

'He'll only deny it, Regina said, attempting to be calm but failing disastrously. But I can prove it,' she croaked out, frantically, lifting up her shirt slightly to reveal her stomach covered in purple bruises.

'Miss Mills, thank you for bringing this to my attention, he replied almost emotionlessly. He seemed unsure of how to handle it. You can go home if you'd like, or perhaps take some time to calm yourself down?'

'Perhaps I could take a little time out? Regina replied. Not much though. I've missed so much work already.'

'Of course, he replied, with an awkward smile. Is this why you've been missing work?' Regina nodded slightly.

'Perhaps you'd like to speak with our building therapist? I could arrange a session if you'd like?' Mr jones added hesitantly.

'No, thank you, please, I'll be fine In a moment.'

'If you're sure. I'll let Miss French know you are not to be disturbed for a while.'

'Thank you,' she replied gratefully.

' I will have to contact the police about this Regina. This is too serious for me to ignore,' he added. 

'Mr Jones, I don't want to talk to the police,' she replied flustered.

'Its a formality I'm afraid, he added softly, but I'll try and get you out of it as much as possible.'

'Thank you,' she replied gratefully, and smiled slightly to Mr Jones. The brunette rose slowly, and straightened out her suit, dabbing her eyes to check for smudges. Whilst she walked to the door, Mr jones called her back once more.

'Regina?'

'Yes, Mr jones?'

'Im sorry about this, he replied sadly. I wish you'd come to me sooner.'

'I didn't think anyone would believe me,' she answered honestly.

'Well I do, he said firmly. And I don't think you'll be seeing much of Mr Nolan around here for much longer. Thank you, Regina. You can go.'

'Okay, she stuttered. Thank you, sir.'

'You can call me Killian.'

'Oh okay. And thanks again Mr Jo- I mean Killian.'

'No problem.'

When she got back to her office, she saw Belle, looking worried.

'Miss Mills, you've been gone a long time. Is everything okay?'

'Perfectly, Belle thank you,' she replied, and gave her a winning smile. When she got in her office, the first thing she did was take out her phone and dial Emma's number. The blonde picked up almost immediately.

'Gina?'

'Emma, Emma I did it, I told him!' She whispered excitedly.

'Really? Oh Gina I'm so proud of you. What did he say?'

'He said he'd sort it all out, and that I wouldn't be seeing David around here for much longer!'

'That's great Regina!'

'I know, I know' Regina answered the blonde joyfully.

'Wow, I love you so much.'

'I love you so much too,' Regina replied.

'We should celebrate later. To say goodbye to the asshole.'

'Good idea, Regina replied happily. But no vodka,' she added quickly.

'Aw damn, you got me,' Emma said with a chuckle.

'So should I meet you at your place?'

'Absolutely. See you later, Gina.'

'See you later, Emma,' the brunette replied with a huge smile. She finally felt like she'd done something right

 


	32. She tastes like apples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She'd even tidied up this time for Regina's arrival. Her flat was practically gleaming. (She hadn't gone to work that day, so she'd had time.) She had even got changed into something a little more dressy. A purple sweater and a tight black skirt; well it was dressy for Emma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I bet you're all thinking- thank god, finally some fluff! 
> 
> Trigger warnings for self harm in this chapter however. 
> 
> Sorry it's short, I've been writing other things at the same time, hope you enjoy!

She'd even tidied up this time for Regina's arrival. Her flat was practically gleaming. (She hadn't gone to work that day, so she'd had time.) She had even got changed into something a little more dressy. A purple sweater and a tight black skirt; well it was dressy for Emma. Her arms were covered up however, still throbbing from the deep cuts she had made a few days before. She didn't want Regina to be reminded of her issues and problems. She wanted Regina to enjoy tonight, and she wanted to as well. 

She stared at the clock, Regina was due in 5 minutes. She tapped her foot impatiently. When the doorbell rang, Emma's heart raced. It was Regina. 

The blonde hurried to the door, and opened it wide, revealing Regina waiting for her. Her dark hair was a silky waterfall down by her shoulders. Her makeup impeccable as usual and God her lips looked so kissable. She looked nervous, but happy in a way that Emma had never seen before. 

'Welcome again to my humble abode,' the blonde said jokily, pointing ushering Regina in to her apartment. The brunette smiled at her brightly and stride inside, her high heels clicking on her wooden floor. 

'It looks really tidy, Regina said blushing, I mean it looks lovely.'

'Aha yes tidied it just for you,' Emma replied with a smile.

'I brought some wine,' she said awkwardly, handing the bottle to Emma. 

'Thank you! Wow it's fancy,' she said as her eyes goggled at the price.

'Aha it's not bad,' the brunette replied with a chuckle.

'Would you like a drink then?' Emma inquired. 

'Yes please,' Regina replied. She sounded nervous and Emma didn't know why. She hoped the alcohol would allow them both to ease into friendly conversation, without having to talk about the thunder clouds that hug threateningly overhead. 

'What do you fancy?'

'Anything.'

'Okay, wine it is,' Emma replied, popping the top off the bottle with a cork opener. She poured it into two glasses, the bubbles almost fizzing over the top of the rims. She handed one to Regina, her fingers lingering on the brunette's as she did so. 

'Thank you, Emma,' she said softly, clutching the glass tightly. 

They sipped at their wine quietly, feeling it warm their stomachs, ready for an evening of celebration. 

'Fancy some music?' Emma said, the silence feeling heavy.

'Aha if you want,' she replied.

The blonde went to her iPod, and picked her Beethoven playlist. Moonlight Sonata came on first.

'Just like old times,' Emma whispered.

Regina smiled gently, 'Yeah.'

Emma gestured to her couch for Regina to sit down. The brunette perched awkwardly on the side, leaving room for Emma to sit beside her.

'How are you?' Emma asked softly, placing her hand over Regina's almost automatically. 

'Im good. And yourself?' the brunette replied, and it seemed honest to Emma, and she was glad. 

'Im happy you're happy,' she replied with a grin, which Regina returned.

Beethoven's symphonies tinkled softly in the background as Emma softly stroked the smooth skin of Regina's hand. The brunette took a swig of her wine.

'Its a beautiful night,' Regina whispered, staring at the bright stars visible from Emma's window.

'Yes it is beautiful, Emma replied. You're beautiful.'

'I love you,' Regina said quietly, and Emma couldn't help but notice she sounded a little sad. 

'I love you too. But Regina what's wrong?' Emma asked, worried.

'What? Nothing.'

The brunette replied far too quickly for Emma's liking.

'What is it?' Emma implored, rubbing her thumb over the brunette's hand in a comforting gesture. 

'I'm just worried about you, she said with a gentle smile, grasping Emma's hand with her own and holding on tight. 

'You don't need to be, Emma replied, anxiety building up in her chest. I'm fine.'

'How are your..how are they looking?' Regina mumbled quietly.

'They're fine. Regina don't worry.'

She tried to ignore the stinging pain that throbbed all over her still tender body.

'Can I see?' She asked softly, holding Emma's hand a little tighter.

'Regina, I-'

'Please.'

'I didn't want you to be sad tonight, I wanted this to be a celebration,' Emma said, defeated.

'Just show me, please. I'd feel better if I knew they were okay.'

The blonde begrudgingly rolled up a sleeve of her sweater, revealing the bandages Regina had put on a few days before. Regina helped her unroll the bandage gently, her fingers expertly peeling it off Emma's arm.

Seeing her deep cuts only made Emma sad, she couldn't believe she'd done that, and hurt Regina in that way. The good news however, they didn't look infected which was always a plus. The brunette lightly traced them, but when seeing Emma wince, pulled away. 

'See?' Emma answered, and re-tied the bandage. 

'Okay, the brunette affirmed. Sorry, I should've trusted you,'she added.

'Its alright Regina, Emma replied, I understand. Now no more of this, she said, moving her other hand to cup the brunette's chin. It's an evening of celebration.'

'Of course, yes, sorry,' she replied with a smile, squeezing Emma's hand in return, accompanied with a smile. 

'Don't be sorry.'

'Okay. Sorry,' Regina added with a sad chuckle. 

'What would you like to do my Queen? It is your night after all,' Emma asked, chucking slightly. 

Regina knocked her shoulder with a grin at Emma's cheeky honorific.

'Whatever you wanna do,'she replied with a smile.

When Regina laughed, her lips looked even more tempting. Her smile made Emma go weak at the knees. 

It was now or never. 

She leaned in and pressed a light kiss on Regina's lips, and just for the second she held it there, it felt like sparks of magic flew around them both. It was Regina that pulled away, her eyes wide. She looked surprised.

'I'm sorry, Emma stuttered, noting the brunette's expression. You're not ready, it's okay, we can take as long as-'

She was interrupted by Regina, planting another kiss on her own lips. Baby it was like fireworks in her apartment in that moment. Regina tasted like crisp apples on a summer day. Her lips were so soft, and smooth, Emma never wanted this moment to end.

When she finally pulled away after 2 solid minutes of non stop kissing, Regina blushed, and looked at her lap, suddenly incredibly interested in her hands.

'If that's what you wanna do all evening, I'm perfectly happy to oblige, the brunette muttered. 

'Well don't stop then,' Emma whispered, pulling Regina back in, and pecked her on the lips, but the brunette didn't kiss her back. 

'What is it?' Emma said, suddenly afraid.

Regina looked up suddenly,'I'm so lucky to have you, Emma,' she said with a soft smile. I just never thought i'd have this.'

'Me either, the blonde admitted. Not since that day anyway, she added. Sadness filled her mind for a moment but she pushed it away, and filled it with Regina. But I want you, Regina, every day, for the rest of forever,' Emma replied, grasping the her hands once more. 

'To forever,' Regina said with a smile, and leaned in to kiss the blonde once more. 


	33. Missing puzzle piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once Emma had kissed her, Regina wanted more. And more. And more. Her lips were tender, and soft. They tasted so good in a way Regina couldn't describe. It was like magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Another chapter for you guys :)  
> I just wanted to say thanks for all the great comments and feedback I've been getting, this story wouldn't be continuing without your support, so thank you all so much! 
> 
> Mild trigger warnings for referred self harm, and PTSD
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy :)

Once Emma had kissed her, Regina wanted more. And more. And more. Her lips were tender, and soft. They tasted so good in a way Regina couldn't describe. It was like magic. 

'Mm I'm looking forward to forever, Emma mumbled sleepily as she pressed another kiss to Regina's lips. Her stomach flipped as she did so, sparks whirring.

'You're right, she replied, we should have done this a month ago.'

Regina pulled back slightly, and stared at the blonde, her features showing only hope for a better future. And love, Regina realised. Emma loved her. And she loved Emma.

'Is there something on my face?' Emma asked, and then seemed to chuckle at what she had just said. 

'Nope, just thinking, Regina replied, What's funny?'

'Thats the first thing you ever said to me,' Emma replied with a chuckle.

'Oh really? Aha yes, I remember now, she said, laughing at herself. Sorry about that, I was late and in a bit of a grump.'

'No problem, the blonde said, besides I found you incredibly attractive, despite the fact that you looked like you wanted to kill someone.'

'Thanks,' she said with a grin, and punched Emma's shoulder lightly. 

As she stared at the blonde, her crinkled smile, her rosy cheeks, she wished Emma's face was always like this. She'd seen her at her lowest, and now she was seeing her at the top and Regina wished that this one would stick. She'd had enough heartbreak for a lifetime already. But so had Emma. Beautiful, crumpled Emma. 

'Penny for your thoughts?' Emma asked gently.

'What?'

'What you thinking about?' 

'Just about how much I love you,' Regina whispered softly, staring lovingly at the blondes face. 

'Really?'

'Sort of.'

'What is it then?' Emma's anxious face had returned. She wanted to go back to a few minutes ago.

'I prefer your happy face too, you know,' she whispered, gently stroking Emma's cheek as she did so. 

'What do you mean?'

'This one, it's your worried one, Regina replied. You know, I think I might know how to bring the other one back?'

'Oh really? Emma said with a sly smile, and how's that?'

Regina simply pressed her lips against the blondes, more passionate this time. She gently clutched Emma's tousled blonde locks as she continued to kiss the blonde. 

'I think we should talk,' Emma said suddenly. 

'About what?' Regina said, surprised. 

'Well, I have a few things id like to say, I don't know about you,' the blonde answered hesitantly.

'Go on,' Regina replied, now feeling anxious herself. 

'I just thought I should, we should discuss if we want to take this further.'

'Oh, Regina blushed, you mean intimately?'

'Uh, yeah, Emma replied, sounding awkward. I just don't know if I could, you know..'

'Oh Emma I know, I think I feel the same, I mean it's not that I don't want to, I just..'

'Yeah,' The blonde said in understanding. 

Regina simply didn't feel ready, and neither did Emma. And that was okay. 

'We can just wait. Until we are both ready.' 

'Yeah.'

'Its all going to be okay,' Regina said with a smile. She clutched Emma's hand. It was warm for once, so she held it loosely, allowing her fingers to tingle. 

'Okay.'

'What else did you want to say?' The brunette asked hesitantly.

'I uh, found a local therapy group. It's on crickett lane, in that old community building?'

'Really?' Regina asked. She hadn't expected this from Emma, but for some reason it made her smile. 

'Yeah, Emma replied softly. I told you I want to be better for you.'

'Donf be better for me, be better for yourself. But I'm glad anyway,'she said softly. 

'You make me want to be better, 'Emma replied, accompanied by a gentle squeeze of Regina's hand. 

'Likewise,' Regina answered, sneakily giving Emma a quick kiss on the lips.

'Its on Wednesday, and uh Sunday I think,' the blonde said, pulling away from Regina's embrace. 

'Twice a week, that's a commitment, Regina muttered. She didn't think she could manage 1 session a week, let alone two. 

'If that's too much, I mean we could always find another-'

'No Emma, it's fine, the brunette replied with a comforting smile. What time is it at?'

'7.30 till 9,' Emma replied. 

'Wow that's a lot...but we can do it. We can do it together,' Regina said, smiling at the blonde.

'Of course,' Emma whispered, giving Regina a small smile. 

'I promise,' the brunette reiterated, holding the blonde's hands tightly. 

Emma leaned in slowly, a shy smile on her face, and pressed another kiss onto Regina's lips. 

'You know, I could kiss you forever,' Regina mumbled, her own lips a little preoccupied with Emma's. 

'Mm as could I,' the blonde replied sleepily, her soft lips gently pressed against Regina's desperately. 

Regina pulled back suddenly, her mind twisting. She didn't know why but she felt David's rough lips pressed against her, not Emma's. Her heart began racing. No. This couldn't be happening. He was gone.

'Regina, what's wrong?' 

'Nothing, I'm fine,' she said, and leaned back towards Emma, planting another kiss on the blondes lips. But she felt him, on her. As if he'd never left.

'No Regina, tell me?' Emma pushed her back, worry plastered all over her face. 

'Emma, the brunette stuttered..it's nothing, don't worry.'

The blonde held her at arms length, 'What is it? Regina talk to me?'

'I just felt..him, when we..'

'Oh Regina, I'm sorry, the blonde said softly, a sad smile on her face. I won't, it's too soon...I understand.'

'No, Emma, I love you,' Regina said, moving closer to Emma, her lips pursed, ready to kiss the blonde once more.

'No. I don't want you reminding yourself of him. Please don't,' she pressed her hand over Regina's lips, and gently pushed her back.

'Emma, I-'

'Don't try to dissuade me. Regina please,' Emma persisted. She grabbed the brunette's hand.

Regina wanted Emma more than anything. She craved the gentle touch of her lips on her own. 

'Emma, I want you. Believe me.'

'And I you, the blonde replied, the sad smile still present on her lips. But you need time. We both do. And we have all the time in the world.'

'But I want you. I want this,' Regina insisted, pulling on Emma's hands in desperation.

'I want you too, Regina. Really, I do. But please, for me.'

'How long do I have to wait before I can taste your beautiful lips?' Regina whispered, staring into Emma's eyes deeply. She couldn't go without her for much longer. Now that she had kissed her, she craved nothing more. 

'Not long, I just want you to be okay first, Emma replied. Not long.'

'It better not be,' the brunette sighed, taking a strand of the blonde's hair and loosely plaiting it. 

'I promise, now enough of this, we are meant to be celebrating. I'm sorry,' Emma said, her face tired now from all the talking. 

'Any time spent with you is like a celebration,' Regina replied, smiling softly at the blonde. 

'You make me happy,' Emma said in return, a smile blessing her lips. She gently placed a kiss on the top of the brunette's head. 

'You make me happy too,' Regina said with a smile, filled with desire. She longed to kiss Emma again, but she knew recovery would be a long and difficult process. If this is what Emma wanted, then she would do it. 

'Its late, Emma whispered, do you want to stay over? It's Saturday tomorrow.'

'I would love to,' Regina replied gratefully, taking another sip of her wine.

'Do you want to..stay in my bed?' Emma asked, her question hesitant, and a little anxious.

'Do you want me to?' Regina replied carefully.

'Only if you want to, I mean, it's okay if not,' the blonde replied hurriedly.

'I think I'd like to very much,' Regina answered, giving Emma's hand a gentle squeeze. 

'Okay,' Emma replied nervously. The blonde stood up, and walked over to her bed. Regina rose also, and followed the blonde to where she stood. Emma's quilt was navy, and a heaped pile of white pillows lay at the top. She remembered the last time she'd seen it. The circumstances had been very different. 

'You can get changed in the bathroom if you'd like,' Emma suggested. 

Regina nodded, 'Okay,' and headed into the bathroom. She quickly got changed into the pyjamas she had brought. They were new, and of a blue silk. She quickly checked over her face in the mirror. Her eyes danced a little wildly from drink, and her lipstick was a little smudged but it would have to do. 

When she got back into the room, Emma was already sitting on the bed. She had changed into long checkered pyjama pants, and a long black tshirt. Regina couldn't help but think she was deliberately hiding her cuts, but she didn't press it.

She watched as the blonde slowly got under the covers of the blanket. Once she was comfortable, she gestured to Regina to come over to the other side of the bed. The brunette slipped In beside her easily. 

She lay still, as if frozen, next to the blonde. She desperately wanted to reach out and hold her tight. It seemed Emma felt the same way however, as she felt her warm hand clench around her own. The brunette turned to face the blonde, her legs curled up in the cold bed. 

She reached out and grabbed Emma's other hand, pulling her closer. She felt her heat, her warmth radiating out; it was so comforting. 

'Will you hold me?' The blonde whispered from beside her.

'But I don't want to hurt you, Regina replied quietly. Your arms and,-'

'I don't care, the blonde answered. Please Regina.'

She spoke with such desperation, Regina couldn't refuse. She pulled the blonde in close, gently wrapping her arms round her waist, making sure not to hold her too tightly. 

'Let me know if it hurts okay?' Regina whispered softly.

'You won't hurt me,' Emma replied sounding so raw, Regina almost beloved her. 

She felt the blondes breath on her face, and her hair tickled her own neck as the lay together, holding each other, intertwined. 

She felt whole. As if before she had been missing a piece. A piece of her heart. 

'I love you, Emma,' she whispered into the friendly darkness of the blondes bedroom.

'I love you too, Regina,' the blonde replied.

They lay together, curled up long into the night, long after they had fallen asleep, and long after they had awoken.


	34. Group Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma swallowed nervously as she and Regina walked in together to the community building where group therapy was held. Emma clutched Regina's hand so tightly she thought she must almost cutting off her circulation, but she just couldn't bring herself to let go. She needed her support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, another chapter!
> 
> It may not be entirely accurate, as I've never actually been to group therapy before. Let me know if I can do it better. 
> 
> Mild Trigger warnings for anxiety in this chapter and mentions of rape.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy! Comments and feedback are appreciated :)

Emma swallowed nervously as she and Regina walked in together to the community building where group therapy was held. Emma clutched Regina's hand so tightly she thought she must almost cutting off her circulation, but she just couldn't bring herself to let go. She needed her support.

'Its going to be okay, Emma,' Regina whispered from beside her, but Emma noted the hint of anxiety present in her voice. She didn't want to be here either. 

'Ah, You must be Emma and Regina, a ginger haired man said cheerily as the walked through the door of the community hall together. I'm Archie Hopper, welcome to our group!'

Neither of them spoke, but smiled in a way that they hoped was convincing. 

'Because we have two new members today, why don't you all introduce yourselves and tell everyone a bit about yourself.'

He pointed to a woman sitting next to her to begin.

'Hey, I'm Ruby, she answered confidently. I'm 23, and I'm here because I have a problem with alcohol.' She emphasised the word 'problem' with a flick of her tongue, suggesting she didn't quite believe it, nor did she want to be here.

'Thank you for sharing Ruby, next please.'

'Uh hi, my name is Mary Margaret, I'm 28 years old. I guess I'm here because I just needed somewhere to go, somewhere to share how I'm feeling so yeah,' a short haired brunette said anxiously.

'Thanks for your contribution Mary, would anyone else like to share next? What about you Graham?' He gestured to a man beside him. 

'Hey guys, I'm Graham, another man said to the group. I'm 24, from Maine. I'm here because I'm a schizophrenic to put it bluntly, and my therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to share my thoughts with others.'

'Thank you for being honest with us Graham,' Dr Hopper said, and pointed to the next person in line. 

'I'm Katherine, hey y'all, she replied with a cheery smile. I have bipolar disorder, so I can get hyper manic sometimes, and that's why I'm here.'

'Great, thanks for sharing Katherine, Archie said with a smile. Now would you like to say anything today, Regina?' 

He gestured to the brunette, sitting beside her. as she was next in line. She felt Regina tense as all eyes were upon her and she swallowed nervously. Emma squeezed her hand in hope that it would give her comfort. Regina stuttered out her name nervously.

'Im Regina Mills, I'm 24, and...the brunette choked out, I'm here because I promised my girlfriend,' the brunette said, and Emma understood. She wasn't feeling ready to explain her feelings, her troubles to these people she'd only just met.

'Thank you Regina, maybe you'll feel more confident in sharing next time. What about you Emma? He asked, turning to the blonde. Would you like to share?'

Emma began breathing very quickly, now feeling eyes burning on her, looking her up and down, judging her.

'Emma, it's okay,' Regina whispered fondly into the blondes ear. Emma smiled back at her nervously, but gratefully. 

'I'm Emma, the blonde said quietly, drawling on every syllable of her name with anxiety. I'm 23, and I'm here too because I promised my girlfriend,' she added, and smiled tightly at Regina, squeezing her hand. 

'Thank you both for coming today, Archie replied, I hope we can make you feel welcome here today, and if you decide to come back.'

'Thank you,' Regina replied warmly, for both her and Emma, smiling awkwardly at the rest of the circle. 

'How have you all been? Got anything to share about progress?'

Ruby raised her hand. 'Ive been sober for 2 whole weeks,' she replied with a grin.

'Thats a real achievement Ruby, congratulations!' Archie said genuinely, and the rest of the group clapped. It sounded lame, she barely knew any of these people, but for some reason she wanted them to be okay, for the same reason she wanted Emma to be okay.

'Would anyone else like to share? What about you Katherine?'

'Ive been taking my pills if that's what you mean, but yeah, I feel good,' the mousy blonde said with a smile, and a chuckle.

'Im glad about that Katherine, we are all really proud of you in this group, you've come so far!'

'Aha thanks cricket, she muttered with a grin.'

'Would anyone else like to share?'

The brunette took a deep breath and raised her hand. Emma was surprised at her confidence, but maybe it was to encourage her. She hoped not, because she didn't think she'd ever be ready for this. She didn't even know why she was here. She was paralysed.

'Regina, Dr Hopper said with a gentle smile, what would like to say to the group?'

Emma's heart fluttered rapidly for her, but she had to get a grip, if Regina could do it, she could too.

'I finally told my Boss that one of his other employees was sexually assaulting me, after 2 months,' the brunette said quickly, shakily looking anxiously about the room, but no one seemed that surprised, only looks of sympathy were shown throughout the circle. 

'It must have taken great courage to share that with us a regina, thank you. We wish you luck with your recovery.' 

Everyone clapped her, and Emma was proud that Regina had had the courage to say that. She squeezed the brunette a hand and smiled weakly at her. 

'Anyone else?' Archie asked. She felt like everyone was looking at her. Expecting her to say something. But she just couldn't form the words in her mouth. She was paralysed.

'Nobody? Well that's okay, we have plenty of time for that. Thank you all for sharing so far. I'm going to talk a bit about recovery and then we are going to talk about it together okay?'

Everyone murmured okay, and Archie began. 

'Recovering from anything is hard. But you've all taken the first step by being here. Talking about how you feel is always a good thing. He gestured round the circle. Look at how far you've all come, you're well on the road to recovery. I know sometimes it's hard and there may be hills that are hard to climb, but it is worth it. And this group is here to support you.'

It was kind of a bad speech, but in a way Emma felt comforted by the cheesy symbolism. Everyone here seemed nice, and genuine. And Regina was by her side. For once, despite her anxiety, she felt like everything was going to be okay.

'Would anyone like to say anything about their recovery? And tips?' 

'Make sure you have people that care about you,' Mary added with a small smile, looking around the rest of the group.

'Thats right, having people that love and support you makes recovery a lot easier. Anything else?'

Ruby raised her hand and said, 'Don't give in to the urges. It's never as satisfying as you think it will be.'

'Good advice Ruby, Archie said, smiling. It's never a good thing to give in to our impulses. But if you do, remember it's not the end of the world. We can just pick ourselves back up.'

There was kind of a warm silence. Everyone was smiling and Emma felt Regina's hand clasped around her own and she felt slightly comforted. 

'We can take a break now if you'd like, Archie suggested. We have drinks and snacks available.'

Regina tugged at Emma's hand, signalling the blonde to rise. The rest of the group got up and walked over to a table of snacks. For once, Emma actually was hungry. The blonde grabbed a handful of nuts from a packet. 

'How are you feeling?' Regina inquired softly from behind her. 

'Im okay,' the blonde replied honestly, giving Regina a small smile.

'Im glad,' the brunette replied almost surprised, but happy. 

'How are you?' Emma inquired. She knew telling the group about David must have been hard for Regina.

'Im fine,' The brunette replied. She seemed okay, which Emma was relieved about. 

'Im so proud of you, Regina,' Emma said. She couldn't help but fondly stroke the brunettes face.  
Regina blushed but she seemed happy enough.

'Not as proud as I am of you for coming,' she replied. 

They stood together, snacking on food and drink. The other chatted slightly, seeming to be good friends. Archie walked over to the two women, seemingly interested in starting a conversation. 

'How are you finding it?' He inquired kindly, speaking to both Regina and Emma. 

'Its good,' Regina replied, her business smile on her face as she spoke to the doctor. 

'Im glad you decided to both seek out a group, he said, smiling. I hope we can help you.'

'As do we,' Regina answered for both of them. The blonde looked at her gratefully. 

'If you could all take a seat, perhaps we could reconvene?' Archie said, loudly to the whole group.

The party sat down in their previous seats, ready to begin the last half hour of the session.

'Now, would anyone like to share any difficulties they're having?' Archie asked seriously, his smile now gone, and replaced with sincerity. I'm sure the group will be able to do anything to help.'

She felt Regina nudge her, and she looked up into the brunettes eyes. They implored her, pleaded even. Emma knew what she wanted. This was meant to be to help her get over things. She just wasn't sure if she was ready. But when would she be?

Emma slowly raised her hand in the silent air, her heart beating pounding fast, she suddenly felt extremely sick as she saw the rest of the groups eye's on her. 

'Emma, Archie said, smiling slightly. What would you like to share? We'll help you in any way we can.'

She tried to speak but no words formed in her mouth. The brunette squeezed her hand in comfort but she was so afraid. 

'I..the blonde stuttered. I've been having difficulty with..uh...'

She was scared. If it went out into the air, she wouldn't be able to pull it back, and stuff it inside, and lock it away with a key. Once it had gone, she couldn't hide. She would be raw. Open. Vulnerable. 

'Emma?' Regina whispered in her ear. She hadn't realised that she had gone off into a daze for a few seconds. 

'Ive been having difficulty with...the blonde repeated. I..'

She couldn't. The warmth had shattered and she felt afraid. She didn't know these people but she had been about to share her deepest of secrets? It was insane. She rose suddenly, pulling out of Regina's grasp. She ran out into the cool night time air, ignoring the eyes that burned into her back as she walked out; a breeze whipping in her hair. 

She curled herself up into a ball, hyperventilating. Nobody could hurt her like this. Nobody could even touch her heart. 

'Emma?' She heard Regina come up beside her, and crouch down. She laid a hand on Emma's shoulder but it didn't comfort her as much as it usually did.

'What is it?' The brunette asked gently.

'I was going to tell them everything, the blonde whispered, and I didn't even know them.'

'Emma that's okay, it's what you're supposed to do. It can help.'

'But they would see me vulnerable, open, and weak. They could hurt me,' Emma choked out, still curled up into a tiny ball. 

'I won't let anybody hurt you,' Regina replied, carefully wrapping her arms round Emma, pressing a kiss to her forehead softly. 

'You promise?' The blonde asked, looking up into Regina's deep brown eyes.

'I promise, Regina affirmed. Do you want to go back in?' She asked hesitantly.

Emma shook her head. She didn't want to face those people again.

'Thats okay, maybe next week we can try again. Now let's get you home,' the brunette said, calmly uncurling Emma and helping her up to her feet.

She heard Regina explaining to Archie they They got into Regina's car, and the brunette drove her back to her apartment. Emma was so incredibly tired and it was only 9pm. Her eyes dropped as Regina steered through the empty streets of Storybrooke.

When they arrived at the blondes house, Emma unlocked the door and stumbled in. It was still fairly tidy which was a nice thing to walk in to.

'Do you need anything?' Regina asked quietly from behind her.

'No, I'm fine, thank you,' Emma replied, perching on the end of her bed, feeling like she could fall asleep any second.

'Would you like me to stay?'

'I don't need looking after, thank you Regina. I'm fine.'

'Okay.'

'I should get home then, the brunette added reluctantly. It's Monday tomorrow and i think I'm going to go to work.'

'Im so proud of you Gina, Emma mumbled, a sleepy smile on her face. It's gonna be great, you'll see.'

'I hope so,' the brunette replied.

Regina walked over quickly, and planted a kiss on Emma's lips before she could push her away.

It was pure bliss before Emma leaned back. 

'Don't Regina, she warned. I don't want you to be thrown back.'

'I want you, Emma,' the brunette said with a sad smile. 

'I want you too, Emma replied, staring at the beautiful brunette, still in her coat, her cheeks pink from the cold night air. Just give yourself time,' she added. She wanted her to be okay. She couldn't let her kisses force the brunette to think of David, it was too cruel. Just because she wanted Regina's lips on her own, didn't mean she was willing to force the brunette to remember that disgusting man.

Emma stared lovingly at Regina, and smiled.

'Go now, the sooner you sleep, the sooner you can see me again,' she replied with a slight chuckle.

'If you need me, just-'

'Call you, I know. You call me too okay?' She said imploringly.

'Of course, the brunette answered. Goodnight Emma.'

'Goodnight Regina.'

She watched the brunette open the door. She looked back and smiled her elusive smile. It made Emma go weak at the knees, it was lucky she was already sitting down. God she was so beautiful.

She flopped down onto the bed when Regina closed the door. She already felt alone. But she knew Regina had to get home for work. But oh did she wish she was here holding her. She imagined the brunette's delicate fingers gently holding her close to her chest. As she fell asleep, she dreamt of Regina Mills, heaven on earth, holding her tightly in her loving arms.


	35. 'Hurt'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She walked home swiftly from Emma's after the therapy. She figured the blonde needed some alone time, and so did she. It had been hard to confront the things she had been so badly trying to hide. And besides, she had work that morning which she needed a good nights sleep for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you guys!
> 
> I don't know guys, I'm not really happy with my writing right now, so I'm sorry if this sucks. 
> 
> I just want to say first off that I'm sorry, I really am for this chapter. I don't know why I felt the need to emotionally traumatise you all, but I felt like this had to happen.
> 
> Trigger warnings for Rape, violence, sexual abuse and blood. A lot of it. 
> 
> Please don't read if this could trigger you. 
> 
> Comments and feedback are greatly appreciated! Once again- Sorry, I really am.

She walked home swiftly from Emma's after the therapy. She figured the blonde needed some alone time, and so did she. It had been hard to confront the things she had been so badly trying to hide. And besides, she had work that morning which she needed a good nights sleep for. 

It was a cold, dark evening so she hurried along a dingy shortcut, the lights flickering softly in the distance. Her apartment was only a few minutes away but, she couldn't help but feel a little scared as she walked through the deathly black passage, almost as if expecting someone to jump out at her. 

The brunette breathed a quick sigh of relief as she entered the pale light of the street adjacent to her own, allowing the light to reveal her surroundings- she was almost home. Her comfort was short lived however, as she felt an all too familiar rough hand pressed over her mouth, blocking her air.

'Don't you dare scream you slut,' David whispered threateningly in her ear as he pulled her back into the darkness of the alleyway, away from prying eyes. 

He dragged her down to the floor, twisting her back forcefully, and pinned her to the ground. He let go of her mouth for a moment and she tried to scream, desperately for help, but he clamped his hand on her mouth once more, before she had the chance to take breath.

'You've ruined me, Regina. Telling Mr Jones about our little arrangement, he said though gritted teeth, malice glinting in his eyes. He got the police involved, and now they're accusing me of rape and a load of other charges. You're going to pay for this, all of it,' he growled at her, crushing her lungs with the weight of his body.

She couldn't quite believe he was here, she was drawn back to old memories of him, fucking her, holding her, touching her. She thought he'd gone. This shouldn't be happening right now. Her beating heart was pounding so aggressively she felt as if it would explode into pieces. His heavy hands once more breaking her into pieces, shattering her into fragments of herself that she had been trying so hard to put back together.

He stared down at her, almost dripping with anger and sexual desire. She could see it in his eyes. His hands didn't linger for long.  
He ripped off her clothes much quicker than usual, more aggressively, her body reacting quickly to the cold, crisp air. Goosebumps formed as he ran his hands over her soft stomach; the bruises still remained, but less prominent now. Soon to be reawakened.

'I will always own you, don't you ever forget. I'm going to make sure that you don't ever,' he snarled, smiling at her in a way that Regina didn't want to remember.

Tears leaked out as he caressed her body once more. He stroked her lightly but it still made her feel sick to the stomach, a bile rising in her throat as he lingered; her heart beating so fast she was choking. It was even worse when he dug his fingers into her skin. She knew they would make bruises. The brunette writhed under his body, but she knew it was no use, he would just use her until she was no longer needed and throw her aside- but somehow this felt different, more threatening in the dark of the night. Pure evil glinted in his eyes as he used her for his own, ripping her into tiny, unmendable pieces. 

He didn't remove all of his clothes this time, only his pants and underwear. She didn't look, she didn't want to. She had seen it to many times she already knew. Even she couldn't prepare herself mentally for the pain he was about to inflict. He pushed inside of her again painfully thrusting, straddling her hips with his nails digging in to the tender skin of her stomach. She found it hard to breathe with his fingers tightly pressed over her face, and her anxious, gasping breaths. He was doing it again. And she didn't know if she was going to be able to cope this time. 

'You're so fucking worthless,' he kept whispering from above her, and Regina knew he was right. She let this happen time after time. 

Praying did nothing. If God heard her, he gave no answer to her desperate pleas. When he came inside of her, still painfully pinning her to the ground with the sheer weight of his body, she whispered to God, to someone. Anyone. If she was fertile she didn't know what she would do. But inside she wasn't sure. She could only hope. Her screams were silent under the weight of his hand.

He continued for what seemed like hours. A searing was racing through her body. It lasted longer this time, as if he intended to make her suffer. Lingering in places where he was unwanted. Sliding is hands up her body making her writhe uncomfortably. When he had finally finished, he sat up slightly, and buckled up his trousers, chuckling with what only could be described as an evil laugh, echoing in the dark passage.

'What are you, Regina?' 

'Worthless,' she whispered, barely moving her lips.

'What was that?' He asked, a grin on his face, still pinning her down to the floor. 

'Worthless,' she said a little louder.

'Thats right, David said menacingly. You're worthless and you're going to pay.'

She wasn't expecting it when he pulled a shining blade from his pocket, but when she saw it her heart began to beat faster than she'd ever thought possible. He was going to hurt her. She hadn't thought he could do more damage to her. She knew he would remain, mentally with her, engraved into her mind for life. But she hadn't thought it would be physically. She couldn't help but whimper through his hand that was still pressed over her face at the sight of it, glinting in the little available light from the street a few metres away. 

'I own you, bitch. And this is how you'll know,' he said, grinning as he lightly pressed the blade onto her cheek, only slightly pricking the skin, drawing a droplet of blood. If this was meant to scare her, it did.

He moved the blade slowly across her face, and up to her dark hair. He quickly removed his hand from her mouth, and replaced it with a foot. His boot was muddy and it pressed painfully onto her cheek and mouth, stopping her from screaming thought Regina wasn't sure she could anyway. 

He picked up a clump of her hair, and pulled it tightly. It reminded her of her office. Flashbacks shattered chaotically in her mind, breaking everything in its wake. Pain was radiating through her whole body and she didn't think she could take much more. He held it tightly, twisting it with his hand. He moved the knife to it and suddenly sheared off the clump of hair with his knife, leaving a short patch on her head. Her eyes popped in horror as she realised that he was planning to scar her mentally, but physically. He was going to make her feel like she was nothing. She wriggled, trying to stop him, but his weight prevented any movement. 

He grabbed another chunk of her hair, and sliced the blade over it with ease, close to her head. He gradually created more uneven clumps. She felt her head become lighter, and he was laughing like a maniac as he did so, wildly chopping at her dark silky hair. He carried on moving his blade across her head, allowing her shorn locks to cover her face and the dirty floor. As he sliced away at the last remaining chunk, she blinked into the dark, her own brown hair now covering her eyes, no longer attached to her head. 

'Not so pretty now are we, Regina,' he said with a malicious grin. 

She tried to mumble through his hand but to no avail. 

'Ssh now Regina, this is only the start.'

He slowly moved the knife down to her body, still naked, covered in goose bumps and the remnants of bruises. He moved the knife gently over her rib cage, gently sawing at her delicate skin. He slowly began to slice at her more vigorously, creating deep lines Regina couldn't help but think Emma had done to herself. 

Emma. 

He pierced her stomach suddenly, stabbing into her abdomen. She felt hot sticky blood pouring out of her fresh wound. She screamed out through his fingers and bit them painfully with her white teeth. 

'Shit,'David muttered, clutching his hand.

She tried to move, but the blood was making her dizzy. She couldn't even stand up to run away from him. 

He slapped her cheek hard, his fist also connecting with her nose brutally. 

'You need to fucking pay, Regina you ruined me!' He screamed at her, so loudly she almost expected Emma to come charging over. 

Her vision blurred, all she could see was blood. Thick, deep scarlet blood. He beat her hard with his huge fists, beating the life out of her. She felt a sharp pain in her arm and him carve something there but she could no longer detect much. She was screaming in silent agony. 

When she blinked she could no longer see David, saw a huge pair of emerald green eyes. They filled her vision, pouring into every crack. Those beautiful green eyes- they seemed to appear when she needed comfort. She knew she wasn't alone. The brunette clung to them, whispering to them to take her away. An angel, there to take her to safety. An angel. Angel.

She felt him thump her brutally, and kick her into the ground, into the dirt like she was no longer a person, like she was nothing. 

'I hope you end up homeless and jobless. Your Emma won't want you now, he snarled at her, standing above, blocking out the moonlight with his foreboding figure. Guess I'll see you in hell,' he said with a sadistic grin. She couldn't quite believe he was walking away. She figured he was afraid he'd be caught at the scene. Anyway he had done what he had come to do. He was now smothered in her blood.

She lay alone in the dark alley, unable to scream somehow, the breath taken out if her. Warm blood was seeping out of her body. She felt herself growing faint, black spots beginning to fill her vision. With the last bit of energy she had, she reached for her abandoned trousers, knowing they contained her phone. She needed to call Emma. She needed Emma. Emma.

She had the blonde on speed dial do all she needed to do was press a few buttons. The blonde picked up after a few rings.

'Regina?' The blonde answered from the other end.

Her throat was raw and her voice raspy from attempting to scream but she managed to whisper.

'Emma...David,' she whispered laboriously, most of her breath sucked out of her. 

'Regina what is it, what's wrong?' Emma asked her frantically, but the brunette could barely hear. She was almost gone. 

And what a blessing that would be.

'Hurt,' she mumbled.

'You're hurt? Where are you? Regina?' Emma almost shouted down the phone. But it slipped from Regina's fingers as the dark spots seeped over her whole body. She fell into the unknown blackness that soon consumed her.


	36. Just one beautiful, perfect word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Regina? Regina!?' The blonde called out, but received no answer. 
> 
> She stood frozen in her apartment, as if she was paralysed. Had something happened to her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I had a block, and I couldn't find anything to say. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for emotional trauma etc.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry it took so long, I hope you guys enjoy!

'Regina? Regina!?' The blonde called out, but received no answer. 

She stood frozen in her apartment, as if she was paralysed. Had something happened to her? 

She didn't even bother grabbing her coat, she simply ran out of the door, jumping down the steps two by two, as fast as she could possibly move. She swung round the stairwell and raced out the door, only hearing her heart pounding in her head. 

Her first thought when she stepped out into the blackened street, where would she be? She had barely left 30 minutes ago. She decided to run to Regina's apartment, maybe David had got her? Emma felt sick with worry and continued to run as fast as she could to the brunettes home, despite the fact that it was getting increasingly harder due to the fact she was shaking all over, making her legs like jelly. 

The dark streets all blurred into one as she raced by, unsure of where she was going but instinct seemed to be pulling her forward, taking her to where she needed to be. 

She reached Regina's apartment but she could tell Regina wasn't here. No lights, no noise, no presence. It felt empty and Emma knew she was looking in the wrong place. Desperately she began running aimlessly around. Time ticked on faster and faster and she knew she had left her alone for too long. What if she was seriously hurt?

She stumbled across a dark passage a street down from Regina's apartment. It looked empty but she felt heavy, like the air was thicker here, slowly pushing her down to the ground. Regina must be here.

She walked quickly along, looking out for her lover. A little further along the passage she saw what looked to be a crumpled body.

'Regina!' She screamed and she ran the last few metres and crouched down quickly by the brunette.

She thought she would be sick. Her fast flowing tears mingled with the blood on the floor as she choked out her name. Emma felt for a pulse; it was there but it was a faint flicker. A thick liquid was still oozing out of her which Emma could only assume was blood. She couldn't tell how deep it was but it had to be a large wound due to this amount of blood. 

She reacted quickly, fumbling with her phone and calling 911.

'Its my girlfriend, she's hurt. Need an ambulance to Storybrooke, Maine. It's uh, forest road. Come quickly!' She practically screamed into the receiver. When she had hung up, she gently stroked the brunettes face, a loving hand splashed with tears as she traced the bruises now present on her perfect face. 

'I love you, Regina,' she whispered I between choking sobs. All she could do was curl up beside her, and hold her gently. She pressed her hand over the deepest wound to stop the blood. She noticed Regina's nakedness, her arms and legs pale and cold in the dark early hours of the morning.

Her hand moved to her head, now shorn. She couldn't hold back her vomit and she turned her head and threw up. Someone had done this to Regina. Someone had hurt her. And she had a pretty good idea of who it was. 

'You son of a bitch!' She screamed into the empty silence of the night. Cradling Regina's body she whispered to her, comforting words in case she could hear her- her eyes remained closed and Emma longed to see them open revealing her deep brown eyes. 

'Its gonna be okay, Gina, its gonna be just fine,' she mumbled softly, her tears washing away the blood that Coated Regina's body.

How had this happened?  
She should've stopped it.  
She should've made Regina stay.  
This was her fault.

All her fault. 

'Im sorry baby, I'm sorry I didn't know, it's all my fault.'

She held Regina's limp body a little tighter, ignoring the fact that her clothes were now soaked with blood.

'Please, come back to me.'

It was then that she heard sirens blaring in the distance. It must be the ambulance. 

'Not much longer now Gina, okay? She whispered, tears still streaming down her cheeks. Everything's gonna be okay.'

She saw the flashing lights of the ambulance slowly driving past. She lay Regina gently back on to the ground and ran to the road to signal.

'Over here!' She called out, waving madly to the ambulance. They saw her and drove back to where she stood on the edge of the pavement. A couple of paramedics jumped out the back and she led them to where Regina lay on the ground. They wasted no time in checking her injuries, prodding at her in a medical, insensitive way that made Emma want to rip them away from her. 

After checking her over, they lifted her expertly onto a stretcher and pulled her away, into the back of the ambulance. Emma quickly picked up all of Regina's belongings and jumped into the back of the ambulance with her, staring at the brunette anxiously. A kindly woman offered her a chair.

'Hi, you called right?' She asked with a gentle smile.

Emma nodded tightly. She didn't want to take her gaze off Regina for long. Two other people were attending to her as they drove to the nearest hospital. They wrapped her wounds in a a sort of gauze, well Emma wasn't sure what. She wanted them to stop but she knew they were Regina's only chance. 

'Is she your girlfriend?' The woman asked tentatively, laying a hand comfortingly on Emma's leg. She shook it off but replied quietly,

'Yes.'

'Do you know what happened?'

'She'd just left my house, Emma whispered, the tears coming thick and fast. And then she called saying she was hurt. And I went and found her.'

'You did well, if you had called any later, she might not have made it. She has a good chance, the kindly doctor said with a sad smile, that Emma assumed had meant to be reassuring. 

'Its my fault,' she sobbed hysterically, holding her head in her hands, rocking back and forth on the small ambulance chair.

'Im sure that's not true,' the doctor said, placing another hand on her back, but Emma was having none of it. She lifted her head up and stared at the other woman. 

'You don't understand! I should've stopped this!'

'Do you know what happened?' The other woman asked, hesitant, noting the blondes evident distress.

'It was him! Emma screamed out, he hurt her again, and it's my fault.'

'Well we're almost at the hospital, try not to worry. What do you think happened?'

'He hurt her, she sobbed out. He hurt her again, it's my fault.'

The woman gently rubbed Emma's back, but she jumped up, flinching away from the woman's touch.

'Don't touch me!'

'Okay, okay,' the woman said, lifting her hands up, showing Emma she wouldn't come near her. 

Emma glanced at Regina, still lying unconscious on a bed in the ambulance, her injuries enhanced in the bright artificial light. She looked so fragile and broken Emma didn't think her heart could take it.

The ambulance halted so she assumed they had arrived at the hospital. The paramedics wheeled Regina out of the back, and quickly towards the doors of the hospital. Emma followed quickly, her heart pounding too loud. 

She watched as Regina was dragged away, a handful of doctors swarming her, fixing her up to IV's. Emma ran towards her, but firm arms pulled her back.

'She needs to go into surgery, get that wound checked out. She'll be okay.'

She felt another hand on her shoulder. 

'Get off me!' She screamed, her hands clawing at her face. She crouched onto the floor, crying, unable to see through blurry tears.

'Why don't I take you somewhere quiet?' She heard from above, but she no longer registered anyone. All she could see was Regina being hurt, Regina lying still, Regina dying. 

She felt more hands clawing at her but she didn't move. More warm, hot sticky hands pulling her up but she was no longer there. 

One word, one beautiful, perfect word was all she could think of.

Regina.


	37. Out damned spot!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She tried to push then off when they carried her kicking and screaming from the lobby but there was too many of them for her to run.
> 
> 'We'll call you when surgery is through.'
> 
> They planted her in a chair in some room, but it was all blurred as the tears streamed down her face. All she could do was sob into her hands, still smeared in Regina's blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I want to thank you for your messages and support, it really makes me want to continue this story and I will. No matter how long it takes, they will have a happy ending!
> 
> Katherine is in the chapter again, due to a request from one of my friends.
> 
> Note that the title is a Macbeth reference, and Katherine does say something from Alice in wonderland- so they're not mine! 
> 
> Trigger warnings for PTSD, Schizophrenia, and blood. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy! Feedback is greatly appreciated :)

She tried to push then off when they carried her kicking and screaming from the lobby but there was too many of them for her to run.

'We'll call you when surgery is through.'

They planted her in a chair in some room, but it was all blurred as the tears streamed down her face. All she could do was sob into her hands, still smeared in Regina's blood. It didn't seem to want to come off, no matter how much she cried, her hands still stained red. She scratched at it, but it just wouldn't shift. All she was doing was making her hands more pink but she didn't even care. She needed to be clean again. Then maybe everything would be okay.

'Emma?' She heard a voice talking to her from above.

'Its Emma right?' The voice sounded familiar but she didn't bother looking up, she was too focused on picking the blood off her hands.

She felt someone sit beside her, and gently move her hands apart to stop her mindless picking.

'I'm Katherine, from the support group, remember?' 

Emma looked up, and a familiar face flooded her vision. 

'Are you okay?'

Emma assumed she was trying to be considerate, but she barely knew this woman. It's not like she actually cared. She nodded in reply, and put her head back in her hands.

'I call bullshit.'

'What?' Emma asked incredulously.

'You're not okay, the woman said firmly. Why are you here?'

The blonde sighed, she really didn't want to be talking about this now. 

'Regina is hurt,' she mumbled, tears still slipping down her cheeks, hoping that would quell the woman's curiosity. 

'Oh Regina, the woman you were with. What happened?' 

'You're a little blunt aren't you?' Emma replied, peering through her fingers Katherine. 

'Not been taking medication. On a high, that's why I'm here,' she answered brightly, not seeming bothered by anything in the world.

Emma grunted, and sat back up, still picking at the blood on her fingers.

'Someone hurt her, she whispered softly, and I should've stopped it but I didn't.'

'Im sure it wasn't your fault, Katherine said with a steady smile. 

'It was,'Emma said quietly, her tears stopping temporarily as she sat in the other woman's cheery company. 

'Thinking like that isn't gonna get you very far, she insisted. She looked at Emma up and down, and noticed her arms, scattered in cuts of varying sizes. Oh Is that why you came?' She said softly, looking slightly sad for the first time that conversation, gesturing to Emma's arms. 

She realized what Katherine was pointing to, and couldn't help but flinch. She had been in such a hurry to find Regina, she hadn't even put on a sweater- her cuts were completely visible to the world. The tears started again as she pictured Regina, tying bandages around her arms, her fingers gentle on her ruined skin. She desperately tried to cover herself up, but to no avail. The thin fabric of her vest couldn't conceal much. 

'Have my jacket,' Katherine offered, shrugging out of a red leather thing and handed it to Emma.

Emma accepted gratefully, and slipped into it. She looked up at Katherine carefully, confused at why she would be helping her. 

'I don't want you to feel exposed,' she offered with a smile, filling Emma's silent questioning. 

'Thank you,' Emma whispered genuinely, allowing herself to give Katherine a small smile. 

'No problemo, Katherine said. You didn't come back, to therapy, she added hesitantly. Is everything alright?'

'Do I look alright to you?' Emma snapped suddenly, but regretted it instantly. 

'I guess not.'

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two women before Katherine broke the silence. 

'Is Regina hurt really bad?' 

Emma could barely nod in reply to her, as the tears started to fall again. Katherine's arm was wrapped around her back tightly, comfortingly, but she wriggled out of it.

'Please don't touch me,' she whispered, incredibly tired all of a sudden.

'Okay,' Katherine replied, a sad smile still on her face.

Another silence between the two women occurred, but Emma couldn't deal with all the hospital sounds, crying, beeping, it was making her head go crazy.

'What are you doing here?' She asked Katherine, hoping her answer would be long enough to fill time.

'This high I'm on, is apparently not going so well, you see I stopped taking my pills yesterday morning and I didn't think it would have such a big effect. My boyfriend brought me here, Fred his name is, she said with a little smile, because he's convinced I want to hurt myself. You see I didn't mean to but I just can't stop moving and I needed something to do.'

'Oh, Emma replied, unsure of what to say. Why did you stop taking your meds?'

'They make my head go numb if you know what I mean, she said vaguely, motioning to her head as she spoke. I don't really like it.'

'Ive never been on medication,' Emma whispered in reply.

'No, shit, really? Katherine said, a little shocked. I thought everyone in Hoppers group was on medication of some kind.'

'No, I just went because...because Regina wanted me to,' Emma replied, her mind still on the brunette, wondering if she was okay, if everything was okay.

'Shes worried about you. Because of your self harm?' She suggested again, gesturing at Emma. 

'Mhmm,' Emma replied, pulling down Katherine's jacket tighter of her arms. 

'So what actually happened..y'know to Regina?' She asked, gently, as if not expecting her to answer.

'She was walking home from my place when this guy hurt her, she said slowly, trying to avoid breaking into sobs as she told her. She'd been kind, she at least owed her an explanation. He uh stabbed her right here, she put her hand on her lower stomach. And there was a lot of blood.' 

She couldn't help but let the tears fall as she thought of him, assaulting her again and again but this time he had hurt her so badly, Emma didn't know if she would be okay again.

'Look, it wasn't your fault okay?'

'You don't know fuck all about me, so why don't you just go away!' Emma shouted suddenly. It was her fault, all her fault and no one was going to take that away from her.

'You don't mean that, you're just upset,' she replied firmly, staying glued to her seat.

'I do mean it,' she replied stubbornly, hugging herself tightly, worried she might fall apart. The bright artificial light stung her eyes, glaring down on her troubled mind. 

'Sure sure, Katherine replied. Want a drink?'

Emma shook her head, and stared at the grey hospital floor. She didn't know how much time had passed since she had left Regina but it had felt like a decade or so. It was too long. Too long. Something mustn't be right. It was all her fault. As soon as Katherine got up to get herself a drink, she raced to the bathroom, hoping she hadn't seen her leave. 

Locking herself in a cubicle, she slipped off the red jacket and dug her nails into her arm. It was all her fault and she needed to feel something. It hurt, but that was the point. New blood appeared slowly from her indentations but it just wasn't enough.

'Emma?' She heard Katherine call from outside.

Shit, she mumbled. Katherine had followed her. Maybe if she kept quiet she wouldn't hear her. 

'I know you're in there, so you better come out or so help me.'

She ignored her and continued to press her nails into her arms, bringing up more blood. It now steadily trickled down her arm satisfactorily. 

'Emma you better not be hurting yourself in there,' Katherine warned from outside.

'I just needed some time alone,' Emma lied, her voice wobbling as she spoke.

'Fine. I'll wait out here for you.'

'I said I needed time..alone. This isn't alone,' Emma replied, wishing that Katherine would just go away. 

'Well I don't know you well enough to figure out when you're lying. So why don't you come out of there?'

'What if I don't want to?' Emma replied stubbornly.

'Ill wait here until you do,' the other woman said firmly.

Emma sighed, she knew Katherine wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. She grabbed a wad of loo roll and pressed it to her arm, to try and stop the bleeding. 

'Just come out already.'

She slipped Katherine's jacket back on, and flushed the bloody paper down the toilet. She slowly opened the door, revealing Katherine sitting by the sinks, her arms crossed, waiting intently for her. 

'There you are, she replied when Emma appeared at the door. Why did you run off like that?' 

'Needed to be alone,'the blonde mumbled.

'Thats the last thing you need right now. Why don't you tell me the real reason?' She asked, staring at Emma unshakeably, making her feel uncomfortable. She looked down at the floor, unwilling to reply. Unfortunately, it was at that moment that a drop of blood slid from Emma's arm onto the floor. She froze when she saw it, and she knew that Katherine had seen it too. 

'Honey, Katherine started. You don't need to do that. Let me see,'she asked gently, stepping towards Emma. 

'Don't even touch me, you don't even know me. You don't even care,' Emma replied sullenly, clutching her dripping arm.

'Enough with this, Katherine said firmly. Is it too much to consider that I'd actually want to help you, Emma?' 

'Yes.'

'Well then, let me make this very clear. I'm sure Regina wouldn't want you hurting yourself would she?' 

Emma shook her head sadly.

'Well then will you let me see?'

She reluctantly slipped off the red jacket to reveal the fingernail shaped incisions in her left arm.

'They're not too deep, she noted. Probably don't need stitches.'

She quickly put the jacket back on to prevent Katherine from looking at any other scars she may have. 

'But why did you do it?' She added, a look of concern and also one of sympathy that Emma detested. 

'I deserve it! It's my fault!' She yelled, thumping her fists against the porcelain of the sink. It was only then that she looked in the mirror, revealing a red, tear stained face that she assumed to be her own. She looked so alien, so distraught and unlike she had ever seen. She gently placed a her hand over her face, still coated in blood, now dried and brown.

'Stop saying that, I'm sure Regina will be fine!' 

'You didn't see the blood, Emma whispered, so much blood.' Even with her eyes open she could see it everywhere. It just wouldn't go. She stepped back, now suddenly all to aware of the blood dripping from the tap.

'Emma?' 

'Can you see it? The blood?'

'No Emma, I can't. I think you need to calm down okay?'

It trickled into the basin, filling it up slowly with a hot, red liquid. 

'So much blood,' she mumbled. It was now on her hands, more of it, and bright, fresher. 

'Im going to get someone okay? Don't move.' Katherine said from behind her but she was no longer listening.

Blood on her hands, blood on her jeans, blood dripping everywhere around her. She slowly backed out of the bathroom into the waiting room but it was still there, fat drops coming off her fingers, making red puddles on the floor. She closed her eyes but she could only see Regina's limp body in the dark alleyway.

'Emma it's me, Katherine. I brought someone to help.'

A nurse or whatever she was said hello, and her name. 

'Why don't we get you somewhere more private okay?'

Emma must have nodded in reply because she found her legs following Katherine and this other woman into a small, white room, which contained a desk and a black leather sofa.

'Why don't you sit here, and I'll ask on this Regina of yours okay?' 

Katherine sat down cautiously next to her.

'Can you still see it?'

Emma only nodded. It dripped off the ceiling in thick strands, coating the floor so quickly, she was worried it would drown them both. 

'We are in a white room, Katherine said gently, it's a bright white. And it just you and me.'

She felt it drip onto her face, and on Katherine's, a deep red coating then both, choking her. 

'You've got blood on you,' Emma said quietly, pointing at her face where it was pouring down in a steady stream

'No Emma, I haven't. There's no blood. It's just you and me.'

'Were going to drown if we stay here for much longer,' Emma said. She could already feel it coating her feet, an ocean of hot blood surrounding them.

'Do you see things a lot?' She heard Katherine ask. 

'Everyone sees things, she replied. I have eyes, so do you.' 

Time ticked on slowly, each drip made a splash. It was hard to move, to wade through it, it was just so thick and hot. 

'Things that aren't really there.'

'But this is here. Why can't you see?' Emma said, a tear slid down her face, but when she touched it, it was bright red, staining her hands.

'No it's not, Emma. Look at the floor,' Katherine suggested. 

'Its red.'

'Look again,' she said. Emma blinked and when she opened her eyes, she was right. The floor was an ordinary, hospital white. 

'Its gone, she whispered. Where'd it go?'

'It was never there,Katherine replied with a small smile. All in that head of yours.'

'Am I crazy?' The blonde whispered, suddenly very afraid.

'Absolutely, Katherine replied, but don't worry, all the best people are.'

'Thank you,' Emma said, with another small smile. Feeling grateful that Katherine was here at this time. 

It was in that moment that the nurse entered the room. 

'She's been through surgery, the wound was deep but they are pretty certain that she'll pull through,' the nurse replied with a warm smile.

'Can I see her?' Emma said quickly, and stood up.

'She's sleeping, but sure. You are family right?'

'I'm her girlfriend,' Emma insisted.

Before she left the room, she turned to Katherine and smiled. 

'Thanks for staying,' she said.

'Absolutely no problem. Tell Regina I say hi when she wakes up.'

She followed the nurse out of the door, leading her through a maze of corridors until finally she reached Regina.


	38. Still beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nurse lead her through a door into a small white room. Regina lay looking incredibly small in the middle of a large, metal bed. She was wired up to all kinds of things that Emma assumed was pain medication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it's been so long since I last updated- schoolwork has been taking over my life. I know this chapter is short, and it sucks but I thought you guys might want it anyway. I feel as though I've let myself down with this fic but oh well.
> 
> Also I wrote a quick Regina/Henry one shot called 'Apple pancakes,' please check it out! 
> 
> Feedback is appreciated :)

The nurse lead her through a door into a small white room. Regina lay looking incredibly small in the middle of a large, metal bed. She was wired up to all kinds of things that Emma assumed was pain medication. 

'Ill give you a few minutes,' the nurse said and shut the door gently behind her when she left.

She walked over to the bed slowly, suddenly afraid and unsure of what to say. A stray tear slid down her Cheek as she regarded Regina's frailty.

'Hey beautiful,' she mumbled through the tears that had begun to fall at the sight of her lover damaged in this way. The light only revealed her injuries more clearly. Her face was bruised and cut, purple bloomed all over her waxy, pale face. Her once lovely dark hair was shorn away into a patchy skinhead cut. But she was still Regina, and she was still beautiful. She was always beautiful. 

Emma dragged a chair from the corner and placed it gently next to Regina's bed side. 

She couldn't help but grasp the brunettes pale hand. It was limp, and cold as if she was already dead, but Emma shook that thought from her mind. She pulled it into her chest and rubbed it carefully, warming it slowly with her own hands. 

'I'm going to tell you a story about Henry, okay?' Emma said, stuttering slightly. She needed something to fill the time. She felt awkward talking into the emptiness as she knew Regina couldn't hear her. But she wasn't alone, not really.

'I woke up in the middle of the night, I was probably about 2 months pregnant. I looked pretty sick and was miserable because I didn't want the baby, it was just a reminder. A reminder of when I was weak,' Emma choked back the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks. She knew once she started, she wouldn't stop. 

'But when I woke up I felt a gentle kick hitting my stomach. I looked down, my hands lightly pressed on my slightly protruding belly and it happened again. My baby was kicking me. I pushed back and waited silently, and there it was again, a little kick.' She could help but smile at the remembrance of her baby inside of her, but an unwanted tear slid down her cheek. She brushed it away like nothing had happened. 

'I thought it was random at first, but then I realised he kicked me when he knew I was sad. When I used to cut it was more frequent, as if he knew I was doing it. Maybe he did, I don't know, Emma whispered softly. But he stopped me from self harming for a while. I wanted to be a mother Henry could be proud of. It was then that I decided to name him Henry. I'm not sure why I chose Henry it just seemed to fit just right. We were both there for each other when we needed each other. He was my reason.'

Emma clutched Regina's hand even tighter, seeking the comfort only her grip could restore. 

'Now he's gone, you're now my reason Regina, Emma said quietly. You know I don't think I can live without you. Without you I am nothing, worth nothing. You make me this person. You complete me.'

Emma paused and gently stroked Regina's bruised cheek, as if doing so would magic the bruises away. 

'Come back to me!'

Emma choked the last words and the tears began to fall out and pour down her cheeks. She was worried they would never stop. She longed for a reciprocal hand to hold her own in comfort, but none came. 

'Please...'

She sobbed into the emptiness of the room, cradling Regina's hand to her chest tightly, snuggling her face into the duvet that smothered her body.  
She didn't even notice when someone openness the door behind her.

'M'aam?'

She turned to see a man with honey brown hair standing in the door way.

'I'm sorry to disturb you m'aam but I'm from the police. I'm officer Locksley. I wondered if I could ask you a few questions about Miss Mills here.'

'Sure,' she replied, although not really wanting to talk at all. In fact she was the furthest away from wanting to talk. She knew he must have noticed the tears still streaming down her cheeks but either he ignored them or chose not to mention it. 

He pulled another chair over and set it down beside where she sat next Regina. He got out a notebook and a pen, ready to interrogate and Emma couldn't help but feel slightly unnerved.

'Do you know who attacked Miss Mills?'

'I have an idea.. Emma stuttered, suddenly feeling a kind of loneliness wash over her, as if no one would ever be there again. His name is David, and he's been abusing Regina the past few months.'

'Were they in a relationship?'

'No..he just took advantage of her a lot,' Emma whispered. She shouldn't be talking about this, this was Regina's story to tell. 

'Do you mean took advantage of in a sexual way?'

'Uh..yeah,' Emma said after a moment. She had to tell him the truth. 

'Do you know why he would want to hurt Regina?' The man asked, staring intently at Emma.

'She told her boss he was assaulting her.'

'They were both employees?'

'Yes,' she affirmed.

'Okay, he said, pausing to write down something on his notebook. And you're pretty certain it's this man?'

'Yep. David Nolan.'

'Thank you for your time m'aam, the officer said with a smile. It was only a half smile but Emma could tell that he meant it, and for that she was grateful. I'll be back in to talk to Miss Mills when she wakes up.' 

'Okay,' Emma replied quietly, turning her attention to Regina once more, her eyes still firmly shut, not even a flicker of movement graced them. 

'Oh and if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.'

'Thanks you,' she mumbled slightly, still holding onto Regina's hand. 

He must have left her at some point because she felt alone again. She heard the constant beeping of Regina's heart monitor and saw her chest moving gently up and down in slumber. She defer more alone than she had ever done in her life as she stared at their hands, entwined.

'Oh Regina..'

'Emma?' A familiar voice choked out.

Emma looked to Regina and saw her deep brown eyes open and wide, and frightened, staring right at her. 

She had been so sure she wouldn't see those eyes again- not like this.

'Gina!' Emma shouted frantically, Are you okay? I was so worried!'

'Emma, I..where am I?' Regina asked hesitantly, a confused look plastered on her face.

'You don't remember?' Emma asked softly, her frantic ness evaporated suddenly, seeing only Regina's scared features. She looked at her, a smile on her face, rubbing her hand comfortingly.

'I...oh..'

Emma saw Regina's eyes suddenly fill with tears as she finally realised what had happened. Panic seemed to ooze out of her eyes and into the surrounding room, filling every crack and crevice. No escape. The brunette forcefully wrenched her hand out of Emma's grasp, and began to shake violently. The blonde knew it would be wrong to try and hold her, despite every fibre of her being telling her to hold Regina tight and never let go. 

'Emma,' she whispered, her voice wobbling. She looked incredibly young and fragile from where she lay on the bed. 

'Its all going to be okay,' Emma said quietly, although her mind was filled with her own doubts. How would they ever come back from this?


	39. Will you hold me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She remembered everything. Crystal clear, HD detail. It played on a continual loop. Over. And over. Blinking didn't remove the image that was permanently seared into her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I haven't updated, life is busy right now- I have a lot of school work. I'm trying my best to update as soon as I can.
> 
> Trigger warnings for talking about rape and schizophrenia. 
> 
> If there are any mistakes please let me know. I hope you all enjoy it, please leave comments and feedback!

She remembered everything. Crystal clear, HD detail. It played on a continual loop. Over. And over. Blinking didn't remove the image that was permanently seared into her mind.

The silence only spread, making the small room thick, heavy and dripping with unsaid words. 

'I...' Emma said quietly, but Regina didn't want her to speak, not now. The words unsaid were enough to make her head throb. She shook her head slowly and Emma closed her mouth quickly, clamping it shut. She simply fiddled with her hands and stared down at them, ignoring Regina's gaze. 

'Regina?'

Emma whispered seemingly carefully from beside her. The way her own name tumbled from the blonde's lips released a handful of tears from her eyes. Emma was worried, and she had been thinking of herself. 

'Im sorry, she's mumbled, quietly at first. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Emma!' 

'Sshh,' Emma whispered from beside her, and leaned in to take her arm once more. When her fingers touched her hand she recoiled away quickly. David's lingering touch still smothered on her skin. 

'Im sorry,' Emma replied softly, but Regina couldn't stand her lovers sadness. She leaned in once more and grasped her hand gently. Her hands were warm, and gentle, nothing like David's rough touch that she still felt all over her raw body. 

Emma's hand tightened around her own but in a comforting way. She felt she knew she that hand better than her own. 

'I should call a nurse, Emma muttered, let them know you're awake.'

'No..,' the brunette whispered, don't leave, please.'

'I will be back momentarily,' she replied with a weak smile, untangling her hand from Regina's. 

When the blonde shut the door, she was left alone. Alone with her mind. Alone with him and her memories. 

Regina lifted her shaking arm up to her head. Her hair was gone as expected. Only a few shorn stumps remained. Her cheeks were wet but she didn't know why she was crying. Or maybe she did. Her mind was all a jumble except for that night that kept replaying over and over. 

She itched at her arm she stared blankly at the words engraved on her wrist-

I own you

David had made sure she would never forget. It wasn't necessary, not really. She doubted she would ever forget that day. It didn't even sting, she felt numb. She guessed she must be highly dosed up on some form of pain medication. 

What to say when Emma returned. No words could describe this feeling well enough. She had feared this moment, being alone. Yet in a way she wanted it, craved it even. A human presence already lingered and the more people around her, the more she knew she would feel trapped. And she couldn't talk about...it-

-Not yet anyway. She knew she would just cry and she didn't want to be weak. Not anymore, not again, not ever. 

Emma returned with a kindly looking woman and a severe looking man.

'Good morning Miss Mills, how are you feeling?'

She opened her lips to speak but no words came. How could she know what to say? What would be the truth?

'Are you having trouble speaking?'

'No, no,' she whispered, her voice wobbling, slicing into the thick silent air. She needed to breathe.

'We managed to patch up the stab wound you acquired last night however it did pierce your abdomen enough to damage it. We haven't checked out the rest of your body yet, so we'll need to make time for an extra examination.'

The doctor hesitated slightly, and it looked as if he didn't really want to say what he was about to.

'The stab wound hit your placenta, so unfortunately, we weren't able to save your..baby.'

'Im not..I wasn't pregnant,' she choked, looking down at her stomach as if it would reveal everything.

'Im afraid you were, he replied severely. But we couldn't save it, I'm sorry.'

She stared at him and Emma in disbelief. How could she have not known?

'The police are here my love, the nurse said warmly. They will need to ask you a few questions about what happened to establish what actually went on.'

She looked frantically to Emma but she only gave her a small smile which Regina assumed was meant to be reassuring. It wasn't, not really.

'We will give you some time with the police and then give you another examination,' the doctor replied and then walked out of the room with the nurse and shut the door behind him. 

The room was small, and Emma's presence didn't make it feel any better. 

'Regina?'

She looked at Emma quickly, blinking about the whiteness of the room, suddenly feeling suffocated. 

'Can you get me out of here?'

'Not a chance!' Emma shouted suddenly, making Regina jump. A few stray tears trickled down her cheek.

'Oh I'm sorry,' Emma said quickly, shuffling over to Regina's bed. I just..you can't leave, not until you're better. I can't lose you.'

'Its heavy in here. Makes it hard to breathe,' Regina mumbled but the look Emma gave her made her realize that Emma understood.

'I know. But you can't. I'm sorry.'

'Will you stay with me?'

'Of course Gina,' Emma replied gently. 

'I thought I wouldn't see you again,' Regina whispered softly, staring at the blonde.

'Me either, Emma said quietly. But look, we're here now. And that's all that matters.'

'I suppose so.'

'Do you want me to stay..when the police are here?'

Regina nodded so quickly and so vigorously, she felt as if her head would fall off.

'Okay.'

'I was pregnant,' she said slowly, deliberating.

'Yeah,' Emma said softly.

'Maybe it's for the best that it's..'

'Maybe.'

'But you wanted one. Maybe I would too. Maybe,-'

'Regina..'

It was at that moment that a man came into the room. He seemed kindly enough, with a hesitant smile on his face.

'Officer Locksley, he said in a firmly British accent. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions Miss Mills?'

She wanted to say no, so desperately. But she knew she couldn't do that. Not when so much was at stake. She nodded tightly.

'Okay so your partner here told me she found you had been attacked.'

'Thats right.'

'Do you know by who?'

'It was..uh David, David Nolan,' she replied quietly. 

'Are you absolutely certain?'

'Positive.'

'Right...and do you think you could tell me what happened last night?'

She swallowed and blinked. Everything seemed an effort. She tried to grab Emma's hand unobtrusively, and the blonde sensed her distress but looked away uncomfortably, her hands stock still by her sides. 

'You don't have to tell me straight away, but the sooner the better. It could help with our investigation.'

'Okay,' she said, her voice shaking. 

'Thank you. Please continue when you are ready.'

Emma gave her a comforting smile so she tried again.

'I was walking home from Emma's house,-'

'What time would you say this was at?'

'I don't know maybe 10?'

'It was around 10,' Emma confirmed.

'Okay, you may continue.'

'I was walking and all of a sudden he..grabbed me and pulled me to the ground.'

She looked up at Emma and Robin but he only gestured for her to continue with a forced smile. 

'He uh threatened me and then..and then..' She stuttered slightly, not wanting to speak.

'And then he what?' The officer persisted. 

'He..um,-'

'Regina, you don't have to talk, not if you don't want to,' Emma said firmly.

'He did it again..,' she stuttered, ignoring Emma's statement.

'He did what again?'

'R-rape..'

'Oh, he said, quickly furrowing his brow and writing something down. I'll get the doctors to organise a rape kit for you.'

'What's that?' 

'With your permission, the doctors check you out for any infection, sign of pregnancy etc.'

'Oh.'

'Its nothing to worry about, he said with a smile. Would you mind continuing with your account of last nights events?'

'Oh.. After he..well after that thing he cut all my hair off and then uh stabbed me.'

Her voice wobbled as she spoke. She remembered it so clearly but she didn't want to go into any more detail than she had to. 

'Why do you think he hurt you?'

'He said that I'd ruined him, so that he would me. I think it's because I told Mr Jones about what had happened.'

'Mr Jones? Your boss?'

'Yes.'

'Ah I have corresponded with him recently myself on some charges of sexual assault at his establishment.'

'Oh, yes,' she whispered softly.

'Was that you?' He asked hesitantly.

'Yes, yes it was.'

'So this Mr Nolan has been raping you for some time now?'

'Uh, Regina stuttered. Yes maybe about 2 months or so.'

'I just want to make sure we get the charges clear. You do want to press charges, correct?'

'I..yes. Yes.'

'Okay, now that is clear. I'd like to talk to you more later Miss Mills if that's okay but I need to inform the doctors of a few things. Thank you for your time,' he said and smiled warmly at her, but also with a strange kind of sadness, or maybe it was pity Regina couldn't be sure. 

'Thank you,' she whispered and forced herself to give him a small smile. It felt wrong on her face but she plastered it on anyway.

Once He had left the room, it was just her and Emma once more. The silence was deafening. 

'Regina I-'

'Don't speak, Emma please.'

'We have to talk about this sometime. Regina, I thought you were going to die please don't shut me out!'

'I need time Emma, please.'

'I know you do, but I feel lost. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I don't know how to deal with this!' She almost shouted. She looked frantic, her eyes flicking to Regina's manically. 

'Please, she whispered. Just be here for me. Just try.'

'I am trying Regina, Emma said, exasperated, I just don't know how to be, I can't seem to function right anymore I keep seeing things and..'

Emma stopped, realizing her mistake. 

'Youve been seeing things again Emma?' Regina asked softly, reaching out her hand towards hers which Emma stared at warily. 

'I..yeah. But It's gone now..Katherine helped.'

'Katherine?'

'From the support group.'

'Shes here?' Regina inquired.

'Yeah. Brought by her boyfriend. This is her jacket actually,' Emma gestured to the red monstrosity she was wearing.

'Oh..does she know about?..'

'Yeah. I was kind of emotional. But I don't think she'll tell anyone, don't worry.'

'Okay. Well I'm glad she helped you when I couldn't.'

'Its not your fault Regina.'

'Then who's fault is it? I'm here, you're upset!'

'Its David's fault, she said firmly. Her face twisting with disgust even at his name. Never yours. Never so don't even dare think that it is.'

'Yes but I let it happen.'

'Dont try and convince yourself it was your fault. I should've looked after you better.'

'I don't need looking after!'

'Obviously you do Regina.'

'You don't look after yourself, don't even try to look after me.'

'Regina..'

'Why won't you hold me?' She whispered softly.

'You'll remember him, I don't want you to.'

'Please Emma, Regina cried out, hold me!'

'But,-'

'Don't. I don't care. Please just hold me.'

Emma leaned in slowly and put her arms gently round Regina's fragile body. Emma's warmth held her in a small cuccoon. Regina soon felt herself losing consciousness. The pain medication contributed to her haziness and she gradually fell into a slumber, one that she hoped she wouldn't wake from in a while.


	40. The touches that lingered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina had fallen asleep In her arms. Although she was light, they began to ache but she couldn't bring herself to let go of the brunette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for mentions of Self Harm, PTSD and rape. Please don't read if this could trigger you.
> 
> I had some free time for once- well not really I just needed to write some more for you all. This story means a lot to me, I hope it does to you all. 
> 
> At the minute I can't be sure if I'm writing correctly. I associate a lot with Emma and that's why as a character she's quite complex. I can't be sure what exactly someone would do in a situation like this, it's just my interpretation. 
> 
> Every comment means so much to me so please do and give me feedback! Thanks so much and enjoy!

Regina had fallen asleep In her arms. Although she was light, they began to ache but she couldn't bring herself to let go of the brunette.

Emma didn't like this situation, not one bit. She didn't know what to do, or what to say. She was angry yet incredibly sad and happy that Regina was okay all at once. And that was confusing enough.

She didn't want to move and wake her up. She looked peaceful for once, no frown lines, thinking and worrying about all that she'd been through. She shouldn't have to worry, she should be young, happy and free. No restraints. She didn't deserve all that had happened. It was her fault, all Emma's. And she deserved to suffer, she needed to.

Her arms itched in longing but she resisted. What if Regina woke up mid cut? Not a good plan. 

Oh god how could she be so selfish at this time? Regina needed her strong and supportive, not weak and lost like she was feeling. She needed to put on a brave face. She needed to do this right and be here for the woman she loved.

The doctor opened the door onto the two women, embracing together on the bed. Emma held on to Regina a little tighter as he strode towards them. 

'Is Miss Mills asleep?'

'Only just,' Emma replied.

'We should probably wake her and carry out the medical examination.'

'I guess,' the blonde replied reluctantly, gently shaking Regina in attempt to wake her from her slumber.

She shot up, stiff backed suddenly, panting like crazy as if just out of a nightmare. The brunette looked around frantically, checking every corner of the room.

'Regina?' Emma asked hesitantly, not wanting to scare her in any way.

She jumped when Emma spoke out of her arms onto the other side of the bed.

'It's okay, the doctors here he's just going to talk to you for a bit.'

She could see that Regina was obviously scared and she needed comfort. But Emma didn't think holding her would really be valuable at this moment in time.

'Hello Regina, the doctor said with a business like smile plastered on his face. I'm Dr Whale. I just need to go through some things with you okay?'

Emma got off the bed, leaving Regina alone in the middle of the white ocean, draped in IV's and and sheets. 

'Could you just lay down for me,' the doctor asked.

Regina looked around at Emma, looking slightly panicked but she smiled back at her, encouragingly in a way she hoped was comforting.

She lay flat on the sheets, and stared at the doctor intently, straining her neck as if needing to know his every move.

As he walked towards her, Regina tensed visibly and Emma knew all too well how she must be feeling. Being touched was something she was still uncomfortable with to this day after such a violation. 

'Im going to check your lungs first, okay?'

He leaned in and pressed a hand on her rib cage and prodded it slightly. Emma wasn't prepared for Regina's scream as it bounced off the walls of the small room. 

The doctor had pulled away quickly, nervously staring at Regina's convulsions. 

'Are you in pain?'

Her breathing was still racing as she frantically clawed at her IV's, attempting to pull them out of her arm, desperately trying to escape. 

What was she doing? Emma stared at Regina. She obviously wanted to get out of here.

'Regina?'

'Ill send for reinforcement,' the doctor said and pressed a red button on the wall.

'Gina, baby it's okay,' Emma whispered soothingly from where she stood by Regina's bed.

'He's not going to hurt you. Please stop.'

'He touched me,' she mumbled whilst yanking at the IV's again. 

'He's just doing his job, he won't hurt you.'

'When he touched me I was there all over again.'

Her heart ached for Regina, still weakly tugging at the wires that dominated the room and kept her there.

A couple of nurses burst through the door and quickly pinned Regina to the bed, preventing her from removing the IV's.

'Get off me!' Regina screamed.

It hurt Emma to the core at Regina's restraints. She needed to stop them. That feeling of needing to escape, it sometimes got too strong. Emma felt it stirring uncomfortably. When she blinked she saw David pinning Regina to the bed as he brutally assaulted her. 

'Stop!' Emma tried to push them off but she saw a sedative begin to coarse through Regina's veins and her movements begin to slow.

'Its okay Miss Swan, we have administered a sedative that will put Miss Mills to sleep for around half an hour.'

She slumped back down the side of the wall in defeat. She saw Regina's crumpled body on the bed, seemingly lifeless, like she had given up.

'What else do you need to check?' Emma mumbled.

'Her ribs for breathing damage, her skull, and we need to do a rape kit to assess how much damage Miss Mills has undergone.'

'I don't think she's going to like that, at all.'

'Its really quite important that we assess if there's been any permanent damage.'

'Could you do it..while she was asleep?'

'We need her direct permission before carrying out the rape kit.'

'Do everything else, Emma replied hesitantly, but wait until she wakes up about the rape kit. She wouldn't want it without her permission.'

'Righto Miss Swan.'

He hesitated slightly before continuing. 

'Ive ordered a psych analysis for Miss Mills, it's just a precaution, I mean after all she's been though.'

Emma shuddered, this would have been her worst fear. Hospitals were bad enough, now this? She didn't know what to do, she wanted Regina to get better but was this torture really necessary. 

'She might not want it, but sure whatever,' Emma replied casually, ignoring the tremor in her own voice. 

'Okay,' be replied and walked over to where Regina lay. He prodded her ribs and her chest. Emma watched cautiously from her seat as he lifted up her hospital gown to reveal her bruises. 

'Her ribs seem bruised but not too severely I hope. We'll only really know for sure when she wakes.'

Emma nodded in reply and he continued to press his fingers on her. She winced at his insensitive medical conduct. 

'I think it's mainly her stomach that got the worst of it,' he said to Emma indirectly. We'll only know the full extent of the damage after the rape kit examination.'

'If she lets you,' Emma mumbled slightly under her breath.

It took a little longer than half an hour before Regina woke. She looked a little groggy and confused at her surroundings. 

'Regina?'

'Emma? I...'

That look of sad realisation flooded her face once more, her deep brown eyes filled with nothing but pain. 

'I didn't get away,' she muttered. 

'No, you didn't,' Emma affirmed. 

'Are they going to let me go?'

'I don't think so Regina,' Emma replied softly, looking at the brunettes face. She looked very young and afraid, broken almost, but not quite. 

'Why can't I go?' She asked, a hint of panic present in her voice.

'You're not well and need to be looked after,' Emma supplied. 

'I..don't like being restrained,' she whispered quietly, so quietly that Emma almost didn't hear.

'I know, Emma said softly. And oh did she understand, but Regina had to get better. And this was the only way. But you need to stay here and get better. For me,' she added softly.

It was at this point the doctor returned with a clipboard in hand.

'Ah, you're awake. Good,' he said with an obviously forced smile. Now we had to sedate you back there, you're not exactly cooperative.'

Regina didn't reply.

'I think it's best to get on with the rape kit now if that's okay with you. You know, get it over and done with.'

'Emma looked to Regina who had her lips firmly pressed together in what looked like an attempt to avoid crying.

'Ill just go and fetch it alright?'

As he walked out of the room, Emma scooted a little closer to Regina. 

'Regina, you know-'

'Dont say anything, she whispered, her voice so quiet it was almost not there. Just stay with me, please.'

'Okay,' Emma replied, staring at Regina's determined face which seemed to be watching over nothing, or perhaps something that wasn't really there. 

The doctor hurried back into the room carrying a box and several packs of gloves. The sight of it made Emma tense up immediately. She could image exactly how Regina was feeling.

'What exactly is this for again?' Emma found herself asking.

'It is mainly for evidence for the police to confirm the man who committed the offence. But it also checks for infection, and any damage that has occurred during the experience.'

'Right..' 

He snapped on some gloves unpleasantly and turned to face Regina.

'If you would like me to stop at any time, please just say. Although i'd advise this, it would also boost your case when it comes to the SA court.'

Regina nodded slightly, her face was chalky and white, a stark contrast to her usual slightly tanned olive skin. 

She didn't want to look but she couldn't help it. 

He planted his hands on her thighs as he began to prod at them gingerly. Regina's cries started much quieter this time, she hardly noticed but she saw her breathing rapidly accelerate and she knew she was having some form know of panic attack. A scream from Regina lips soon confirmed this and the doctor was once more forced to take a step backwards with irritation. 

'Would you prefer a female doctor Miss mills?' He inquired gently. 

'I think that might be better,' Emma said hurriedly, in order to send him out of the room. 

'Baby, it's okay. It's just you and me.'

'It just won't go away, it's like he lingers on me. Like I've soaked him up, like he's constantly tainting me, constantly-'

'Gina, shush. It's just you and me okay?' Emma said, her voice gentle and soothing as she sat next to Regina's panic stricken body. 

'Don't let them touch me.'

'Honey, I-'

'How can you? Even after these few years you still can't be touched. How can you let them touch me?'

Emma was tired. An unwanted tear slid down her cheek as she sat back and took a deep breath.

'Emma?'

'Do you think I want them to touch you, make you feel uncomfortable? No. Of course not, it hurts me. But I need to know that you're okay and if this is the way, then I won't stop them.'

'They can't make me.'

'Of course not. But could you do it for me, just maybe? Try?'

'You wouldn't go to hospital for me.'

'Thats entirely different, that's-'

'No it's not! You don't get to pick and choose things to fit you!'

'Im sorry, she said softly, hanging her head sadly to the floor. I'll go.'

'What?'

'Ill go if you don't want me.'

'I may be annoyed at you, but don't think for one second you're leaving me alone you crazy woman,' Regina replied whilst the tears poured down her pale cheeks.

'You want me to stay?'

'If I'm going to do this...I need you Emma Swan..more than ever.'

'You're going to try?'

'I am,' she whispered quietly.

'Thank you,' Emma replied, surprised at Regina's statement.

'I haven't done anything yet,' she said wearily, leaning back into her bed. She looked uncomfortable, her eyes roaming about the room, flicking from one place to another, gently itching at her arm which read 

'I own you,'

Fucking bastard, she mumbled under her breath as she took in Regina's shorn head and battered body. He had done this to her and he was going to pay.

A female doctor arrived in the room, accompanied by Dr Whale.

'My name is Dr Darling, according to Dr Whale you got uncomfortable with him during the rape kit, so I'm here to give it a go if that's okay.'

Regina nodded stiffly and anxiously studied her as she snapped on her own pair of gloves.

As she leaned in, Regina visibly stiffened, and shook slightly. Emma knew she was afraid. God was she forcing her into this? She felt sick to her stomach.

The woman gently prodded the tops of Regina's thighs. Emma could see her breathing in and out exceedingly fast despite the look of concentration displayed on her face. As the doctors hands gently moved towards her inner thighs, Regina jolted slightly, a look of sheer panic on her face. 

'Regina, baby it's okay,' Emma whispered softly but she knew her words had made no effect. Regina didn't even look at her. Her eyes were wide and staring at the doctor intently.

'Im going to take a swab now okay?'

Regina's body began convulsing and she suddenly sat up, only to flop back down again, her eyes closed.

'I think she's had a panic Attack and fainted,' the doctor said with a sigh.

'We could take the samples now,' Dr Whale suggested. 

'Yes I guess we could,' Dr Darling said in reply. 

Emma couldn't take this anymore.

'Im sorry I can't watch,' Emma blurted out quickly and raced into the corridor, leaving Regina's sleeping figure alone. 

'Emma?'

'Just leave me alone!'

'Is it Regina, is she not okay?'

It was Katherine. Emma really didn't have time for this. She wanted to be alone, she needed to be alone.

'Shes fine. Well not really. Who would be after being raped and stabbed by the same man who had been doing it the past 2 months?'

She couldn't see Katherine's face, but she knew what she had said had shocked her. 

'You shouldn't be alone, neither should she.'

'Shes asleep. They're doing a rape kit. I...I couldn't watch,' she mumbled into her hands which where now clutching her head.

'Oh honey, come here,' Katherine leaned in to hug her.

'Don't touch me! What are you even still doing here?' Emma shouted.

'I wanted to make sure you were both okay before I left.'

'Well I'm fucking dandy, so you can go now.'

'Emma you're not,-'

'I said leave me alone!'

'Fine! But I'm coming back and I'm not giving up.'

'Do you have to be so infuriating?' Emma asked, turning to face the mousy blonde.

'Absolutely,' she said with a quick flash of a grin, and headed off down the corridor into the bustling lobby of the hospital.


	41. The promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything blurred black into view slowly, merging shapes and blocks of colour in her vision as her eyes slowly opened to the angry white light of the hospital room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!
> 
> I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, like I said I have loads of work right now so I can't always write when I want to. 
> 
> Trigger warning in this chapter for implied rape.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy- read till the end for EXCITING NEWS

Everything blurred black into view slowly, merging shapes and blocks of colour in her vision as her eyes slowly opened to the angry white light of the hospital room. 

Two figures came into view. They were those doctors...what were they called? Oh well. She couldn't seem to remember. She sat up abruptly, blinking rapidly in the new, bright light.

'Ah, Regina. You passed out back there. How are you feeling?'

'Uh...'

Regina rubbed her head slightly, feeling only the hardness of her skull, lacking of her dark silky hair.

'Are you in pain?'

It was at that point that she noticed the sharp throbbing coming from all over her body. It scorched like fierce flames as she winced, her whole body aching violently as she blinked back the tears that threatened. 

'Miss Mills?'

'Wheres Emma?' She whispered, her throat now raspy, noting the emptiness of the room, the lack of the blonde, her presence simply was missing, and her heart ached for her to be near her once more.

'She left about an hour ago. Just after you passed out,' he replied with a strained smile.

'Is she...coming back?' The brunette stuttered, staring wide eyed at the doctor.

'Im not sure Miss Mills, she left quite abruptly.'

She felt a deep sinking feeling in her stomach. Emma had run away again, and this time she wasn't sure if she would come back. She fell back into the pillow, sinking into it's feathered depths. She couldn't help but let the tears fall as she absentmindedly itched at the words now engraved into her arm, drawing blood.

'Miss Mills you shouldn't do that, you could risk infection.'

Her hand hovered above her wrist when she realized what she was doing. She tugged at a loose thread on her hospital gown to try and distract herself but it was too much. Emma was gone. 

She couldn't contain it any longer and her emotions suddenly overflowed in the form of tears, suddenly flooding her cheeks in a tidal wave or anger, sadness and pain. 

'Ill give you a moment alone to..get yourself together,' he stuttered out.

'Emma..' She choked through her tears, barely able to see through the tears but now suddenly determined. As the doctor left the door shut, she got up slowly, her body screaming at her in pain, but she ignored it with gritted teeth.

She pulled out her IV's quickly this time, ignoring the blunt pain they caused her. She sat up slowly. She was wearing a pastel blue hospital gown, making her already pale skin washed out with the bland white of the hospital. 

Slowly swinging her legs off the bed she dropped them to the floor. As she planted her feet on the floor, she realized she had overestimated her strength. Her legs crumbled beneath her as she fell with a painful smack onto the cold hard floor. 

Her whole body felt almost defeated as she looked up at the door of the room, which looked extremely far away from where she lay. As she pulled up her body from the floor her arms collapsed under her and the brunette didn't know if she would be able to stand again. 

She lay on the floor, desperately seeking Emma's love and comfort. The cold clinical hospital only made her feel afraid and alienated, as if she wasn't quite in the real world. It felt heavy, just as she had felt in the alleyway and she didn't know why, but it made her afraid. Afraid that more people would come and touch her, hurt her.

She finally knew how Emma felt, and despite wanting to understand the blonde, she hadn't wanted it like this. It hurt so goddamned much not just physically, but mentally. 

The floor was hard as she crawled along painfully on her stomach. Her stab wound was still fresh and it's stung painfully against the cold floor. Tears slid from her eyes in a continuous stream. Now that they'd started, she didn't think she would ever stop. Emma was gone.

Gone.

Gone. 

The door opened suddenly and she felt eyes upon her shorn head. 

'Regina?'

She heard a familiar voice from above.

'Regina what are you doing?!'

Emma.

She felt soft hands lifting up her body but she didn't pull away. Emma's warmth and soft fingers made her feel safer immediately. 

She felt herself being lifted back onto the bed carefully by the blonde.

'Regina what are you doing?' Emma repeated, softer this time. Her solemn eyes were rimmed red as if she'd been crying painfully for a long time.

'You left..I went to look,' she stuttered laboriously out, her vocal chords no longer obeying as easily as they used to. Maybe it was the shock, or maybe she just couldn't find the words. 

'Oh Gina,' Emma said, sounding a little exasperated. She cupped Regina's peaky face with her hand, forcing the brunette to look into her eyes. I'm here now.'

'You left, Regina replied weakly. I thought you weren't coming back.'

'Why did you think that? I wouldn't leave you. Not now,' Emma whispered softly, looking into her lap. 

'Not ever, not if you don't want me to,' she added quietly. 

Regina smiled quickly at the blondes comment. 'You promise?'

'I promise,' Emma affirmed, a gentle smile on her face as she looked back into Regina's eyes. 

The blonde seemed to survey her, noting her hanging IV and her grubby hands from the floor.

'Gina, look..I know you don't want to stay but please, you need to get better.'

'Ill stay, if you do...' she replied in a whisper, staring intently at Emma's face, waiting for her answer.

'Okay,' Emma replied with a slight smile, a lesser version of her normal, bright beautiful grin she reserved only for Regina.

'Im going to get a doctor now.'

'Emma..' She felt herself tense at the mention of a doctor. She didn't like it here. Everyone seemed to want to touch her- why?

'Regina it's going to be okay,' Emma said with a reassuring smile. 

'They touch me a lot,' she whispered softly, looking down at her hospital gown. 

'They're not going to hurt you Gina.'

'I feel like they are.'

'They won't hurt you when I'm here, I promise.'

She still waited anxiously for Emma to return. She didn't feel nearly as safe when another doctor was in the same room. She understood why Emma hadn't wanted to go to the hospital. 

The seconds ticked by slowly as her heart beat faster, the seconds empty with the silence of the room in which she lay, despite the incessant beeping of a heart monitor which simply blurred into the background. 

The blondes head appeared suddenly round the door and came inside the room once more, bringing a doctor along beside her. 

'Okay Miss Mills, from our analysis, you have one broken rib, and severe bruising around that area. We also detected vaginal tearing from our reviews, and distinct pelvic damage from continual sexual acts. The vaginal tearing could potentially leave you unable to carry I regret to inform you. But we can take a further look if you'd like conform-'

'No,' Regina said quietly but firmly. She didn't want anyone touching her again. She already felt dizzy from simply hearing they had been touching her whilst she had fainted. It felt like another violation.

'Are you sure Miss Mills?'

'Perfectly, thank you,' she said, trying to regain her business like tone as a hint to get him to stop talking. She just wanted to sleep. She wanted it to stop.

'We have also arranged a psych evaluation for tomorrow morning. We have to do this before we can release you,' the doctor said hesitantly. He looked worried as if she would start screaming at any second. 

'I would rather not, thank you.'

'Regina, please,' Emma said from beside her, showing pleading in her eyes.

'It is required before we can release you. For patients that have been through...some trauma,' he added carefully, watching for her reaction as if she controlled all the world.

She looked at Emma's hopeful anxious face staring at her own. What was there to lose? Except her freedom, her privacy, her emotions.

'Fine,' she said with a sigh, fumbling with her fingers as she looked at them upon the white blanket, unfamiliar and clinical in a way that made her uncomfortable.

'Thank you for your cooperation Miss Mills. I'll get the nurse to reattach your IV so you can be administered some sedative,' he said, gesturing to the IV, still hanging loose.

She nodded swiftly, willing him to leave so she could be alone with Emma. When he shut the door behind him, she turned to face the blonde.

'Emma, I know you want to talk but do you think we could leave it?'

'We have to some time Regina, Emma said with an exasperated sigh. But it doesn't have to be now.'

'Will you hold me?' Regina asked hopefully. 

'You heard the doctor, broken and bruised ribs and a stab wound. Honey I don't think so.'

'You held me before.'

Emma looked pained but Regina's body ached to feel Emma, for her to hold her. She needed her, more than ever right now.

'Please,' she whispered, staring deep into Emma's eyes.

'Okay,' the blonde mumbled and Regina shuffled along to leave room for the blonde to sit beside her. As Emma's arms wrapped around her body she felt warm, and the pain numbed, almost as if Emma's arms were spreading a healing magic through her body.

'Thank you,' Regina said softly, nuzzling into Emma's arms.

'Its okay baby, Emma replied gently, holding regina tightly. It's all going to be just fine.'

'It feels like that when you're with me. I don't know how to describe it. I feel...safe.'

'I'm glad about that,' Emma mumbled into Regina's neck as she held her closely.

'Me too.'

'Sleep now Gina, the sooner you sleep, the sooner you'll see me again.'

'Promise you'll be here when I wake up?' The brunette asked. 

'I promise.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter- feedback is appreciated!
> 
> Okay guys, for Christmas I was thinking of writing a new SQ fic (Still continuing with this one don't worry!)
> 
> I have two ideas, one is a series of Christmas one shots between Regina/Emma and Henry.
> 
> Also I have an idea for a slightly longer Christmas fic. Here's the synopsis:
> 
> Regina Mills, a rich, attractive business woman in Maine who also happens to be the Mayor of a small town, Storybrooke. When she comes across a beautiful blonde, Emma Swan, working in a soup kitchen for homeless people when she visits to donate a cheque, little does she know that she would turn her whole world upside down this Christmas.
> 
> Please let me know which one you would like to read this Christmas! Thanks so much :)


	42. 'I believe in us.'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as the nurse had reattached the IV and administered Regina some sedative, the brunette fell asleep in her arms once more. Her soft skin against her hands as she held her, felt her chest rise and fall against her. All was quiet except the beating of their hearts and the monitors monotone beeping from beside them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's so short guys, but I swear to you, I have a plan for the rest of this fic. Even in the future I'm considering a sequel. But let's not get ahead of myself. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for self harm and schizophrenia. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy- please rate and comment! :)

As soon as the nurse had reattached the IV and administered Regina some sedative, the brunette fell asleep in her arms once more. Her soft skin against her hands as she held her, felt her chest rise and fall against her. All was quiet except the beating of their hearts and the monitors monotone beeping from beside them.

She was done with speaking to doctors, right now she just wanted to take Regina home and hold her to the end of forever. 

Her own pain was reawakened at the thought of her going through the same thing that she herself had been through, with the same man. Only for Regina it was worse and she didn't know what to do. She felt selfish, and lonely. On one hand, she wanted to run far away and bury herself away from everything. But she knew she couldn't, not with Regina not again. She wouldn't not abandon her. Not this time.

But she felt alone. 

She grabbed her phone and dialed, waiting anxiously as it rang. 

'Emma?'

'Katherine?'

'Hey, Emma what's up? Everything okay?'

'Yeah all is fine.'

'Okay so why are you calling me?'

Emma hesitated. That was a good question, why was she calling Katherine? 

'I don't know.'

'What is it honey?' 

'Just feel alone I guess,' she mumbled. 

'You want me to come?' 

'No! I..uh don't know. I just told you to go away.'

'You didn't mean it, you were upset.'

Emma's throat dried. She seemed to understand her- how?

'What's is it honey?' She repeated calmly.

'I...I'm sorry.'

'What for Emma?'

'I guess for...stealing your jacket,' the blonde decided on. 

Katherine gave a hearty laugh that made the blonde smile just a little. 

'Emma, she said, her voice softening. Tell me.'

She took a deep breath and mumbled into the phone quietly. 

'I want to run away.'

'From Regina?' Katherine asked. 

'No, no of course not, Emma replied, exasperated. This life.'

'From life? Emma no!'

'No...I don't know.' 

The tears were streaming down her face by this point.

'Honey...'

'No, why am I even telling you this? Why am I talking to you at all?'

'Emma no, don't do this again. Just talk to me.'

'You know I can't do that Katherine, I can't do anything. I can't do this!'

'Maybe the very reason you want to go, is the reason you have to stay.'

'And what's that?'

'You don't want to hurt Regina because you care.'

'And you're so insightful because?'

'Ive lived through it myself. I've left Fred before because i didn't think I was worth him, I thought I would just end up hurting him. But he loves me and Regina you. You are worth it Emma. You are.'

'Im not Katherine, I'm not. She deserves better than me.'

'That's not true Emma. You're a wonderful person.'

'You don't even know me!' She yelled down the phone.

'I know you better than you know yourself.'

'Ive known you for what, 5 days? You don't know me at all.'

'Ive known you, people like you. I know what it feels like Emma and you're not alone.'

'I can't do this,' Emma cried, hot tears streaming down her face.

'Yes you can.'

'Fuck.'

'Emma. You're okay.'

'You sure about that? Because I'm feeling so far away from that right now.'

'Emma-'

'It doesn't matter anyway.'

She looked around the empty white room at Regina's scarred head, sleeping quietly, numb with sedative.

'Of course it matters.'

'It doesn't.'

'You should talk to someone.'

'What the fuck?'

'I said you should talk to someone, about this.'

'You know what, you sound just like Regina,-' Emma said angrily.

'Thats because she cares, Emma!' She interrupted. 

'Yeah well I don't give a fuck.'

'I care Emma, I really do.'

'Oh really? Well bye.'

Emma hung up the phone and hurled it across the room.

'Shit,' she muttered under her breath. The phone had likely smashed.

Everything she touched shattered.   
Broke into pieces.

Maybe this was all her fault?  
Everything always was. 

Her arms and thighs itched and burned, craving a blade to run up and down them. She pulled at her hair, tangling it into knots as she pulled at it, coming out in loose clumps. 

As she raked her her nails up and down her arms, one radiating though pulsed through her mind. 

She was alone.

'Emma, stop.'

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

She looked to the side and saw Regina's solemn brown eyes stared into hers.

'You're meant to be sleeping, what are you doing?' Emma asked in surprise. 

'I just woke up.'

'You're not really here you mean.'

'Emma, I'm here.'

'You're asleep.'

'No, it's me. Emma what is going on?'

'Im imagining you because I'm lonely,' Emma whispered, tears beginning to fall down her pink cheeks. 

'No Emma. See?' She waved her hand in front of Emma's face.

'No.'

'Its all in my head, it's all in my head,' Emma said, rocking her head in her hands.

Regina's lips were soon planted firmly on her own, warm and pink and full of life. She blinked and suddenly her face seemed to pixelate, and materialized infront of her. 

'Regina?'

'Emma.'

'Regina? Why are you awake?'

'Sedative must have run out, she replied with a weak smile. But Emma, what is going on?' She said softly, placing her hand on Emma's wet cheek.

'I can't do this,' the blonde whispered.

'You can go.'

'What?' Emma looked at Regina with amazement.

'Go ahead. I'll be fine.'

'No, Regina I won't.'

'So why can't you do this then, Emma?'

'I...something's wrong with me,' the blonde choked out.

'We'll get help. I swear to you.'

'I don't want fucking therapy!' Emma shouted suddenly. 

'Emma,-'

'How do we fix us?'

'I don't know, but we will.'

'How do you have this much faith Regina? Do you think a God would let this happen?'

'I have faith in you, and faith in us. That's all I need,' she replied with a gentle smile. 

'How can you believe in me?'

'I believe in us, Emma Swan.'


	43. Hope is a powerful thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a long night. Emma had been crying for a lot of it but she finally soothed her to sleep whilst lying next to her side. Earlier that had been her. Maybe they were just too broken to fix?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologise profusely for it being so long since I last updated. I've had exams and had no time to write and I have also been experiencing severe writers block as you can tell from the shocking quality of this chapter. I'm hoping that I can get this story to a close in about 5 more chapters but we'll see. I'll also try and update my other short fix, 'You don't have a home (until you just miss it,)' soon also. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for mentions of self harm and post traumatic stress. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy and happy new year!

It had been a long night. Emma had been crying for a lot of it but she finally soothed her to sleep whilst lying next to her side. Earlier that had been her. Maybe they were just too broken to fix?

With barely any sleep she had sat alone in the darkened room, her limbs aching fiercely but refusing sedative from the nurses. Emma shouldn't, couldn't be alone right now.

The therapist would be coming today, and she had to admit she was afraid. She'd already had to talk about it once, and she didn't think she could again. Not ever; it just hurt too much. Why did it hurt so much? Time seemed to be going slowly, yet so quickly as each hand on the small, white clock ticked on.

Emma stirred in her arms, softly burrowing into her body a little more. The brunette winced as Emma dug a little deeper into her stab wound but ignored the pain. 

'R'Gina?' She mumbled into her stomach, making her jump slightly.

'Good morning my love.'

'How long was I asleep?' The blonde asked, rubbing her sleep dust eyes, and blinking in the bright, unfriendly light of the hospital. 

'Uh maybe about 5 hours,' Regina replied.

'You let me sleep for that long!' Emma asked in amazement, her eyes searching deeply in the brunettes.

'You were tired,' Regina replied softly. It was true, Emma had been crying so much she had eventually fallen into a fitful, restless sleep. Regina hadn't wanted to wake her; she had looked so tired.

'Have you even slept?'

'Uh, no, not really,' Regina said quietly, wriggling uncomfortably.

'Then get some sleep now Miss Mills or so help me,' Emma replied firmly, staring right at her. 

'I can't,' she said so quietly Emma barely heard.

'Youre safe, Gina,' Emma said, softer now, gently stroking her pale hand. 

'I know,' Regina replied her voice wobbling at Emma's obvious concern. 

'Then what is it?' Emma asked, gently pushing her to answer.

'I don't want you to be alone.'

'Im not Regina. It's fine. Sleep please,' the blonde replied. But Regina saw right through it. There were still traces of blood on Emma's arms as she glanced down. She grabbed the red jacket and slipped it on quickly, preventing Regina from seeing her ruined flesh.

'Emma you don't have to hide them from me,' the brunette said softly, tugging at her sleeve.

'Sleep.'

'No.'

'Regina, Emma sighed irritably. The more you sleep, the quicker you get out of here.'

'We both know that's not how it works,' she replied with a sad smile.

'What do you mean?' Emma asked, her small nose wrinkling in confusion.

'I mean, they probably won't let me go.'

'Regina, don't say tha,-'

'Maybe I am crazy Emma? Maybe this is just some big fucking illusion on my part.'

'Regina, honey. You're not making sense,' Emma pleaded.

'I don't know how to, how to...' the brunette stuttered, tears blurring her vision.

Her head throbbed suddenly. Maybe she was going crazy, after all that had happened, maybe she deserved it?

'Regina, darling, it's okay,' Emma replied soothingly, rubbing Regina's hand gently still. 

'I don't know,' the brunette said in a very small voice. The feeling echoed out, swamping her and the whole hospital. She just felt so goddamned small. 

'Im gonna get someone okay?'

'Emma, no. Don't leave me please.'

'The sooner we talk to someone, the sooner we can go home.'

'We?'

'Yes, we,' the blonde replied determinedly, removing her hand from Regina's as she strode out of the room.

Regina barely had time to sit and think about being alone when Emma returned to her, yanking a rather flustered doctor along beside her. 

'Ah Miss Mills, you're awake. I'll go arrange a psych analysis now,' he mumbled, readjusting his glasses. 

As soon as he had left the room, Emma came back over to the bed and sat beside her.

'See, I wasn't that long?'

'Yes, I guess you weren't.'

'It'll be over soon don't worry.' 

'How are we doing this Emma?'

'What?' The blonde asked, confused. 

'One day, you're crying, one day me, this can't go on.'

'We are going to get through this Regina.'

'I don't know about me, but you, you Emma are going to get help.'

'What!?'

'You heard me.'

Emma looked at her with hurt in her eyes and it felt worse than the stab wound but she knew it had to be done.

'No, I've already told you-!'

'And I'm telling you. Please Emma. What are you so afraid of?'

'Theyll tell me I'm crazy, Emma whispered, tears beginning to pour, and they will put me away somewhere I can't escape.'

'I won't let them take you away from me.'

'You might not-'

The door opened mid yell to reveal a tall woman with a clipboard and a surprised smile at the two women mid argument. 

'Im sorry am I interrupting something? I can come back.'

'No, it's fine, Regina said with a weak smile. Please come in.'

'Thank you,' the woman said with a smile. 

'My name is Doctor Fae, and you are Miss Mills I understand,' she gestured to Regina. 

'I am,' Regina replied, a slight wobble present in her voice. She was afraid of going through it all again, reliving it; this woman didn't seem too bad however but the tension in her stomach remained a sickening hole. 

'Righto, let's get started then.'

'Regina do you want me to stay?' Emma asked from beside her, gentle now, a hand resting on her shoulder in an almost maternal, protective way. 

'Yes,' she whispered, although she wasn't sure, not really.

'Okay Regina, the woman said with a smile, perching on a chair beside her bed. How are you feeling?'

'Im fine,' she said, almost immediately. Alarm bells went off in her head and she could tell that the other woman knew she was lying.

'Are you sure about that?'

'I...'

She hesitated and looked at Emma briefly. Her expression was reassuring but etched with anxiety. Her very presence urged her forward and gave her confidence. 

'I'm not great, I admit, but I will be hopefully.'

'What makes you say that?'

'I don't know, hope?'

'Hope is a very powerful thing,' the woman said with an honest smile.

She felt a strange tingle at those words; hope was indeed a powerful thing. 

'How do you feel about what happened to you?' The doctor asked, now with a neutral face.

She swallowed deeply, feeling sickened as her eyes showed her what had happened all over again in flashes. 

'It will pass.'

'All feelings do. But how are you feeling?'

'Tired, she replied simply. I'd like to go home now.'

'Im sure that can be arranged soon,' the other woman said.

'Good because me and my girlfriend need to be getting back.'

'This is your girlfriend?' She said, gesturing to Emma who's cheeks pinkened and the unwanted and unexpected attention. 

'Yes,' she replied.

'And how are you taking it?' She asked Emma, her pen hovering expectantly over her pad of paper.

'Uh..' Emma looked embarrassed and anxious. Her hands hovered over her arms, tensed. Regina sensed her discomfort.

'I thought you were meant to be asking me questions, Doctor,' she said firmly, directing the attention back on her. She could almost feel Emma's outtake of breath tickling her skin; her hairs stood on end. 

'I just thought if check,' the woman said with a smile. She smiled too much for it to be real. Too fake, just like these hospital walls. 

'Are you experiencing any post traumatic stress?'

'No,' the brunette replied. It was an outright lie and both her and Emma knew it but the doctor didn't seem to notice it despite how blatantly obvious it was. 

'Great. I can speak to a doctor about getting you out of here now if that's what you'd like?'

'Yes please,' the brunette replied with great gusto. Finally she might be able to leave this heavy, bland hospital. 

'Okay,' the doctor replied, shutting the door behind her.

'What do we do now?' Emma asked quietly, making Regina's head turn towards her, her eyes anxious in the light, flickering bright green, a familiar green that she'd almost definitely seen somewhere before.

'We heal.'

'How?'

'We will figure it out,' Regina replied determined, a new sense of hope fluttering through her veins a the prospect of being able to leave the hospital. 

'If it is the last thing we do.'


	44. Sing me to sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had taken an extra day and a half but they were finally out. Despite the fact that Regina was all drugged for the pain it was okay, they were finally out of that godforsaken place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! It's been a while...
> 
> I know I don't post frequently anymore and the chapter quality is frankly shocking but I'm going to try and finish this for you all- if it is the last thing I do!
> 
> Lullaby given to me by a friend for this story. I didn't write it but isn't it lovely! 
> 
> Please review, I'd really appreciate it. Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> TW for mention of self harm

It had taken an extra day and a half but they were finally out. Despite the fact that Regina was all drugged for the pain it was okay, they were finally out of that godforsaken place. 

She had wanted to go the same day as the therapist came but the doctors insisted they ran a few checks and prescribed the right medication so that Regina's wound wouldn't become infected and to allow her battered body to heal. It seemed like such a long time since she had actually been hurt, but it had actually been a week and a half; time had been blurring and stretching and shrinking recently, and although it scared the blonde, she tried to ignore it for Regina. 

She stared at the brunette, her lips slightly parted, lying slumped asleep besides her in her wheelchair in the taxi, revealing a glimmer of the white of her teeth as she breathed in and out gently through her mouth. She looked at her cheeks, flushed even without rouge, no longer a pale sickness covering them as in the hospital. She looked more like Regina and less like a weaker version Emma had seen this last week and a half. She was glad of that, it encouraged her that everything really was going to be okay. Maybe, just maybe that was he truth.

They had tried to talk earlier but Regina had dozed off with tears in her eyes mid conversation and she didn't blame her, she felt it too; she was so tired. 

She herself almost drifted off in the taxi herself but she forced herself awake, looking at Regina's smooth skin, her dark stubble covering her head, her chest breathing slowly in and out, in and out like a calming lullaby. 

The taxi pulled up at her dark apartment, it looked empty and slightly scary, not comforting and cosy as she would have liked to have it ready for Regina. It would still be messy as she never actually had time to tidy it as she had been interrupted by Regina's frantic call. Just thinking about it reawakened the deeply rooted anxiety in her stomach. 

Paying the driver she carefully lifted Regina's fragile body up in her strong arms, carrying her gently to her apartment in attempt to keep her in slumber. She left the wheelchair in the lobby in hope that no one would steal it. She walked slowly up the stairs, balancing her body in her arms as she maneuvered herself in through the door into a dark room. Switching on the light only revealed litter that covered her apartment. She sighed a deep sight. She was going to have to tidy this up before Regina awoke.

She laid her gently on her unmade bed and draped a blanket over her body. Regina shivered in sleep and Emma's heart ached as she longed to hold her tightly and warm her in her arms as she felt her strong heartbeat against her own chest, just as a reminder that she was alive, she was okay, they were okay. 

Surveying the apartment she looked in misery at the heaps of litter and mangy shirts that scattered the floor. This would take some time Emma realized as she saw the extent of the state her apartment was actually in. Looking to Regina a thought struck her. She walked quietly to the CD player attempting not to wake Regina. Checking the CD volume was low, and pressed play. The first mellow chords of Beethoven's moonlight sonata echoed gently into the room, almost filling the room with an ethereal moonlight despite the curtains only being open a sliver. The white light shone on Regina's cheekbones and she glowed. 

She couldn't help but glance occasionally at Regina's sleeping body as she collected up the rubbish and put it into the trash. Regina's face was much more pleasant to the eye than the litter than she had in her hands despite the fading yellow bruises that still covered parts of her face and neck. Her medication lay on the counter, clear as day in orange bottles. She needed to remember to give them to Regina in the next few hours. 

The blonde sighed and slumped to the floor. This was going to be hard and rocky road for both of them, but a bubble of determination in her stomach refused to be squashed. Strengthened by hope it grew and grew and she knew that they would get through this somehow.

Despite Regina's presence, Emma felt lonely in the lost notes of Beethoven, her thoughts tangled and twisted, running along beside his hands as he played. She knew what recovery would mean. Therapy. She'd tried that and look how it turned out? And she hadn't got back not only because she didn't want to, but because Regina had been hurt. Seeing Katherine would also be a problem the blonde mused. She knew about the self harm and she hadn't wanted her to know, she hadn't wanted to tell anyone. It ate her up inside with guilt when she saw that look in Regina's eyes at the hospital and the pity she saw in Katherine's. She had been the reason they had gone to therapy because of her stupid self harm. Maybe none of this would have happened if she had just been stronger?

She grunted and shook her head vigorously, trying to remove the painful thoughts from her mind.

'Emma?' Regina's soft gravelly voice choked out from the bed. How had she not noticed her waking?

'I'm here Gina, I'm here,' she said softly, rushing over to where the brunette lay curled up on her messy bed.

'Why am I at your flat?'

'You didn't think I would leave you did you?' Emma asked, surprised, perching down on the bed by Regina. 

'Oh I don't know,' she whispered, don't feel obligated to-'

'Gina. Stop,' Emma replied quickly, cutting her off. She gently moved Regina's body to one side of the bed, carefully tucking the covers round her and slid under beside her, using a hand to gently stroke her face, being careful to avoid the bruises.

'I am not going to leave you,' she said after a moment of silence. I couldn't do that, not again. I promised you I wouldn't and I intend to keep that promise,' she replied, hoping desperately she sounded sincere enough to Regina, to persuade her that she wouldn't be abandoned. 

'Okay,' she said softly, burrowing her head into her own chest but grasping Emma's hand with her own.

It was so cold she almost jumped.  
'You're so cold.'

'A little,' the brunette admitted, her deep brown eyes anxious as they flicked into Emma's, as if searching for something. 

Emma hesitated. She didn't want to hurt Regina but it was obvious what she wanted.

'Tell me if I hurt you,' she said softly, wrapping her arms round Regina carefully, drawing her into the warmth of her own body, keeping her as close as possible.

'Thank you,' the brunette replied, snuggling even closer into Emma's body. 

They sat together in silence for a few minutes, basking in the comfort each other's body gave in the musky brown, comfortable bed, a whole different world from the clinical white hospital bed she had been in earlier that day. 

'Beethoven?' The brunette whispered, mumbling into Emma's top.

'Of course,' she replied, smiling slightly at Regina's observation. She nestled under the duvet a little more, moving one arm to gently stroke Regina's head. Her hair was still shorn and tufty but she had grown to get used to it. She wasn't sure what Regina thought about it, probably hated it. But to Emma it was just another thing to love. She hated David for all the cuts, bruises and scars, mental and physical but to her they didn't make Regina any less beautiful. 

'Youre so beautiful you know that right?' 

'Have you looked at me?' The brunette replied, her voice cracking slightly, and Emma could tell she was upset.

'Ssh, don't get upset,' she whispered, tilting Regina's face up to her own. 'You'll always be beautiful to me, whatever you look like.'

'Really?' She whispered, a disbelieving look in her eyes.

'Really,' the blonde affirmed. 'Even if you had a mono brow,' she added.

Regina's laugh was worth it, it tinkled lightly through the room, even more beautiful than the notes of Beethoven's symphony itself. 

'You're beautiful,' she said again, hugging Regina to her chest. She was warmer now, her fingertips less chilly. 

'I think that's you,' she replied sleepily.

'Don't be silly,' she said, smoothing a tuft of Regina's silky dark hair.

'Will you sing?' The brunette asked suddenly. 

'You want me to sing?' She asked, surprised, looking to Regina who was curled up beside her.

'My mother used to sing to me to help me sleep sometimes.'

'Youve never mentioned your mother before,' she said. She realised she knew little about Regina's past. But in that moment it didn't matter. 

'I haven't thought about her in a while,' she whispered softly. 'Will you sing?'

'Of course,' she replied. 'What would you like me to sing?' 

'Anything.'

She leaned over and turned off her CD player. She sat up slightly, but still grasped Regina's hand as the brunette shifted slightly, still clinging to Emma's side. 

'Sweet dreams form a shade,  
O'er my lovely infants head.  
Sweet dreams of pleasant streams,  
By happy silent moony beams

Sweet sleep with soft down.  
Weave thy brows an infant crown.  
Sweet sleep Angel mild,  
Hover o'er my happy child.

Sweet smiles in the night,  
Hover over my delight.  
Sweet smiles Mothers smiles,  
All the livelong night beguiles.

Sweet moans, dovelike sighs,  
Chase not slumber from thy eyes,  
Sweet moans, sweeter smiles,  
All the dovelike moans beguiles.'

'Where did you learn that?' The brunette whispered, her words mumbling on the verge of sleep.

'A foster mother used to sing it to me to help me sleep when I was small, I've never forgotten it.' 

'Was she nice?' The brunette whispered, her voice almost unintelligible now. 

'Yeah,' Emma replied, a tear in her eye as she pictured her face with a soft smile. She hadn't thought about her in years. 

'I didn't know you were in foster care.'

'Story for another day,' Emma said softly, noting Regina's slowed breathing. She was asleep.

As she snuggled next to Regina's warm body she realized she hadn't felt so comforted in a long time. The road to recovery was going to be long, but it was one they were going to do together. 

The blonde began to feel her eye lids slumping down as she heard her own heartbeat moving slowly next to Regina's. In less than a minute, she was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment! I'd really appreciate it :)


	45. The Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A blonde wisp of Emma's hair tickled her nose as she woke in her lovers arms. Her whole body ached immensely but she couldn't bring herself to get up for her medication. It was probably overdue anyway, what was another half hour? Lying there in Emma's arms, it was almost perfect, how she had imagined a relationship being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, me again!
> 
> I had a bit of free time and I forced myself to get this out. I want to finish this fic more than anything. I read it all again to this point and I realise I not only owe it to Emma and Regina for a happy ending, I owe it to you all, my readers for being so great. One thing that I've learnt from OUAT is that hope is a very powerful thing, and I want that to be the message at the end of this story because it can make anything seem a little bit brighter. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, you would make my day if you commented and reviewed! Thanks so much.

A blonde wisp of Emma's hair tickled her nose as she woke in her lovers arms. Her whole body ached immensely but she couldn't bring herself to get up for her medication. It was probably overdue anyway, what was another half hour? Lying there in Emma's arms, it was almost perfect, how she had imagined a relationship being. But there were obvious complications being the man that had raped both her, and Emma. 

She wasn't sure how long it would take for them to get over it, or if they ever would. But right now she allowed herself to bask in the Emma's warmth. She sat quietly in the pale morning light, nestled in blankets still holding on so tightly. She was still wearing the clothes Emma had brought for her, that same cream turtleneck that she had lent her before. It hadn't soaked up any bad memories, only Emma's nice musky smell as she rolled up the neck to underneath her nose. 

She hadn't had any nightmares last night, probably because Emma had been with her. She didn't know what she would do without her and she was afraid. Looking at Emma's face In slumber she gently traced her soft mouth lightly with her nail. She was so real, so human. She just had to remind herself of that sometimes- that they were alive. Emma stirred under her fingertip, making her jump slightly. She drew her hand back from the blondes pink lips and held it to her chest.

'Good morning,' Emma whispered from beside her, her deep eyes now blinking into the morning light. 

'Hello,' the brunette replied quietly, moving her hand back to touch Emma's pale skin as she turned to face her. 

'You okay?' The blonde asked suddenly, her voice sounding slightly anxious.

'Yeah. Achey, but fine,' she whispered, snuggling closer to Emma.

'Oh crap, your medication, your dressing!' The blonde yelled and she frantically tore off the duvet and slung her legs out of the bed, she too still wearing her clothes from yesterday. 

'Its okay Emma,' she said a little louder. She seemed stressed and she just wanted to spend all day in bed with her, simply snuggling. She didn't want to be reminded of what had happened, couldn't she just be normal? 

'Its not okay, I can't believe I fell asleep!' Emma said frustratedly, grasping Regina's bottles of pills and twisting off the cap, counting out the vast number of pills she supposedly had to take. 

'Come back to bed,' Regina pleaded, drawing the blanket back over herself; it was still warm.

Emma walked over to her, holding a glass of water and a handful of pills, holding them gently out to her face. 

'I don't wanna take them,' Regina muttered. She had never liked pills, any sign of weakness, even medication. She had to be strong.

'Honey come on,' Emma said more softly, helping her up so that her back rested on the head board. 

'Emma,' she sighed, staring at her in slight annoyance, however she couldn't bring herself to go full blown manager on her. Emma's eyes although patient, tears shone as he stared imploringly back. 

Reluctantly, she grasped the glass in shaking fingers and took the first pill on the pile. Emma's hand supported her back as she glugged it back, one by one.

Pill after pill, there must have been about 10? Since when did she need 10 pills for a few cuts and bruises? 

'Thats it,' Emma said, smiling, pleased that she had complied without much resistance. 

'Now can you come back to bed?' She moaned, flopping back down under the comforting covers on Emma's bed. 

'We need to dress your wounds, Regina,' Emma said with a muffled sigh, or that's what she thought she said under the thick duvet.

She groaned and tried to snuggle further under Emma's duvet but soon felt a cold flash of air. Emma had pulled it off and was looking down at her with a cheeky smile, a ghost of a grin gracing her lips. 

'Regina Mills, get your ass out of bed!'

'Don't wanna,' she said playfully, but as Emma's smile hardened, she slowly slid herself off the bed and rose to stand up. Her legs felt like jelly. She couldn't seem to be able to hold herself up as she wobbled on the floor. She felt Emma's strong arms holding her up gently, catching her before she fell to the floor. Always a saviour, she though to herself, and almost chuckled. Emma was always going to be the one to save her. 

'Its okay, I've got you,' she said with a quick smile. Emma helped her walk over to the bathroom and set her down gently on the floor. 

'Would you mind taking off your sweater honey?' Emma said, her face strained. She knew this was a tough request but she didn't want to make Emma uncomfortable. She reminded her of herself tending to Emma a while ago. 

'Okay,' she said, attempting to make her voice full of ease as she looked back at Emma's anxious face. As she lifted her sweater she looked down at the wound. The bandage was speckled with blood and she winced as she shifted her body into a more agreeable position. 

The blonde grabbed the first aid kit, and snapped on some gloves. The sound made her jump as she remembered the hospital. 

'Sorry,' the blonde said suddenly, looking at her hands with the gloves. It's just me okay?'

'I know,' she replied softly as she slouched further down by Emma's bath tub, allowing Emma to tend to her wound. She winced as the blonde removed the bandages and the dressing. The size of her wound wasn't as big as she thought, but it still hurt not only as a physical pain, but also emotional. This scar wouldn't leave her so easy. 

Emma applied some antiseptic and re-wrapped the gauze and bandages to the wound on her stomach and the writing on her wrist. She noticed Emma's face twinge with anger as she did so, but she said nothing. As she began her stomach, her fingers softly lingered on the cuts on her ribs, pressing a soft kiss on her stomach as if she was a child and a kiss was all it would take to make things better again.

'I love you,' she whispered with a small smile as Emma worked, making sure the bandages were tight, but not too tight. Her stomach was bruised, but it wasn't so bad, not anymore. 

She looked up from her work, surprised, but she smiled back, and whispered, 'I love you too.'

When she had finished, she lifted Regina up in her arms, bridal style. As they began to walk out of the bathroom, Regina caught a glance of her face in the mirror. 

'Wait,' she whispered, yanking on Emma's arm so she would walk back, allowing her to see her own face. It didn't look anything like her but it was her. This was the first time she had seen herself since the accident. She had avoided the mirrors at the hospital, too afraid to see what he had done to her. But this face was hers. As she grimaced the face in the mirror crinkled up just like she did. She looked even worse than she felt.

'How can you be with me?' She whispered, her hands now on her shorn, tufty hair. Part of it was bald, some of it was short, like a new born baby. But it was also cut slightly in places, bruised. Her face was yellowed with the bruises and probably from the medication they had been feeding her. The only thing she recognised were her deep brown eyes, staring sadly back at her.

'What do you mean?' Emma replied. She shifted her gaze to Emma in the mirror. Flowing blonde hair, stunning green eyes, pale skin. Beautiful.

'Im so...ugly,' she whispered and her voice cracked. She placed her hand on the mirror and hit it with her fist, as if it would make it all go back to normal. She tried to hit it again, but she felt Emma's hand wrap comfortingly around her own, drawing it back to her chest. The blonde carried her to the bed before saying anything else, wrapped her in the covers and laid down next to her. She placed both hands on her cheeks gently, and tilted her face to her own.

'Listen to me,' Emma whispered seriously. 'To me, you are perfect. So damn perfect Regina. You may have scars but that's what makes you so extraordinarily perfect because it means you're real, that you've lived and you've got through something.'

'But we're not through, we are-' Regina interrupted but Emma stopped her. 

'I don't care about the fact that you have no hair honey, or that you may think you're not beautiful. But that doesn't change one damned thing in my mind, okay? You are my Regina, and you are perfect.' 

'You mean that?' She whispered softly, her body as close up to Emma's as she could possibly manage as if this would make a difference.

'Of course.'

'Can we snuggle now?' Regina asked softly, changing the subject. The pills were making her a little drowsy, especially in this bed, right in this moment with Emma. She was so warm she could almost feel love radiating off her and it made her feel so special, she even felt her heart beat a little faster. 

'We need to talk Regina,' the blonde said softly, stroking her head tenderly as they lay together in a heap of blankets.

'I know,' she said with a sigh. But did this really have to be now? 

'Where do you want to start?'

'I don't really want to start anywhere,' she whispered, snuggling even closer into Emma's chest. Her heart was beating solidly, but a little faster than usual. She was nervous. 

'What about...him.' Even without his name, she knew. The thought of him made her stomach lurch and she clutched at it, a ghostly sickness appearing suddenly at the sheer thought of him. 

'Anything but him,' she whispered. Her stomach was clenched as her heart beat went faster and faster. It was almost as if her lungs were restricting her breathing, as though the air was just a little harder to shift. 

Emma's hand found her own and squeezed. As she looked up into her eyes, she felt calm suddenly, wandering in the bright emerald depths. She had seen these eyes so many times she hadn't even thought to realise where.

'They're yours,' she muttered in amazement. But of course they were. In a way, she must have known this whole time because who else would they have belonged to?

'What?' Emma asked inquisitively, looking back at Regina.

'Those eyes,' she said and pointed to Emma's. They seemed to flood the room with a green calm that was so soothing, like a hot bubble bath and the arms of the person you love the most all at once.

'Had them all my life,' she said with a chuckle, not understanding what Regina meant.

'Ive been seeing them since the first time we met. First it was in a dream,' she whispered. 'Then it was when I felt afraid or scared. I closed my eyes and there they were, these lovely green eyes that made me feel so safe and I had no idea why.'

'You've been seeing my eyes?' Emma asked, surprised. 

'Yeah all this time,' Regina said slowly, but a smile began to appear on her lips. 'Maybe it was fate that we were meant to be together.'

'Isnt fate a load of bullshit?' Emma asked with a chuckle. 

'How can I not believe when I'm sitting with the woman I love most in the world?' 

'Mmmm,' Emma said, attempting to deliberate but a grin was growing on her face. 'I guess that is pretty convincing evidence,' she said and planted a gentle kiss on Regina's lips. She pulled back too quickly, anxiously checking Regina's face. 

'Im sorry Gina, baby are you okay?' She said hurriedly, her eyes overflowing with guilt.

'Just kiss me again,' Regina whispered, and leaned in and pressed her own kiss onto the blonde's lips. It made her whole body tingle as she felt their lips make contact. It was just like magic. 

'But what if-' Emma interrupted as she took a breath for air.

'Ssh,' the brunette said, making a stop her speech by pressing her lips onto Emma's once more, indulging in every inch of her mouth, even edging the tip of her tongue to taste her beautiful lips. 

'I want to kiss you forever.'

'Mhhmm,' Emma said, her mouth muffled by Regina's lips. 

Their desperate kissing was interrupted by a loud ring of the phone in Emma's flat. The blonde's face was pained as she pulled her lips off Regina's and moved to get up to answer it.

'Don't get it,' she whispered pleadingly, still clinging onto her hand, to that hope that only Emma could provide.

'It could be important,' she insisted and she walked over, dislodging her hand from Regina's, and picked it up.

Her face contorted as she listened to something on the phone. She murmured a few responses into the phone, finally finished with a thank you. Regina felt the panic rise as she looked at the blondes features, etched with worry. She turned to face Regina full on, with sadness brimming in her eyes.

'That was the police,' she said softly. 'We have to stand in court for evidence to prosecute David.'

Regina's heart sank but her stomach rose as the bile came into her mouth and she gagged. The tears stung her cheeks as she choked them out with sobs. Her stomach and lungs felt as though they were burning but she couldn't stop. Everything was blurred pain. She felt Emma's arms around her but this time, she didn't know if it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review! They make me want to continue writing. I also just want an excuse to talk to you guys xD Indulge me!


	46. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She held her, gently stroking her head until the sobs went gradually less violent into quiet sniffles. She had wrapped the blanket round the both of them, tight but not too tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again...it's been a while.
> 
> I want to apologies for the wait, and also the quality of this chapter but it's the best I could do considering I've been so busy lately. 
> 
> I hope you guys are doing okay!
> 
> Usual trigger warnings apply. Please leave a comment or a review, I'd really appreciate it!
> 
> All mistakes are mine, sorry!

She held her, gently stroking her head until the sobs went gradually less violent into quiet sniffles. She had wrapped the blanket round the both of them, tight but not too tight. Regina's fragile body was cuccooned in her fluffy duvet. 

'Gina, honey?' She whispered, her lips gently pressed against her temple, rubbing against her skin tenderly in an act of affection. 

'Mmhh,' the brunette replied, muffled by the duvet that she had pressed against her mouth.

'Are you okay?' Emma asked hesitantly. 

'Im fine,' she replied a little louder, removing the blanket from her chapped lips. Her words were steely, but a wobble that she had tried so hard to suppress slipped out. 

'I know you're lying,' she said, holding Regina a little closer to her chest. 

Regina sighed heavily, 'Of course you do.'

'Want to talk about it?'

'Not really, but I don't suppose you'll let us sit peacefully in your bed,' the brunette said with another heaved sigh. 

'Gina...'

'I like it when you call me that.'

'What?' The blonde asked, confused.

'Gina, I like it when you call me Gina,' she said with a small smile.

'Stop trying to distract me Gina,' she enunciated with a slight chuckle, squeezing Regina gently and stroking her cheek lovingly. It was all she could do, and oh did she wish she could do more; it hurt so much to see her like this.

'Im not...I'm thinking of what to say?' She half questioned, looking anxiously in Emma's eyes. 

'Just say how you feel,' the blonde suggested, trying to make her feel as comfortable as possible. 

'Afraid,' she mumbled quietly. 

'Of what honey?'

'A lot of things,' she whispered. 'Of seeing him, of talking about what happened.'

'But I'll be there, I'll protect you,' she said, pressing a worried kiss on her forehead. 

'My savior,' she said with a smile, turning her face to press her own kiss on Emma's lips. They were soft, pink and plump and god Regina tasted so good it was hard to breath. 

'Don't you dare,' Emma mumbled, twisting her lips round to place a gentle kiss on her check.

'Why not?' Regina questioned, an almost hurt expression flashing on her pale features which splintered Emma's heart. 

'No honey, I don't mean I don't want to,' she amended quickly. 'I just think we should talk.'

There was a slight pause as Regina nuzzled her head closer into Emma's chest, leaning into the crook of her neck. Her breath tickled but the blonde made no attempt to move her. Her touch made her feel so loved, so warm, but most of all it reminded her that they were okay.

'Gina, darling,' she persisted as Regina said nothing, pressing her lips to Emma's collarbone softly. 

'Arent you afraid?' Regina mumbled eventually into her skin.

'No. Because we are going to get through this,' the blonde replied, hoping she sounded more confident than she felt at this moment.

'Emma.'

'What?' the blonde asked hesitantly.

'Are you afraid?' Regina asked again softly, placing another gentle kiss, but this time on her neck, softly sucking on her pale skin.

'A little,' Emma replied with a sigh, her hand gently pulling Regina into her, holding her close for dear life. 

'What of?' She said gently, now brushing a strand of hair away from the blondes pale cheek.

'That it'll just be too much,' the blonde revealed shyly, not looking into Regina's eyes as she looked up from Emma's lap. 

'Me too.'

'But you're so strong Regina, I know you can do this. You're a fucking badass manager,' Emma said with a slight chuckle, joking as she brushed her hand over Regina's dark stubble, avoiding the cuts and bruises that were present.

'Badass?' She snorted.

'Mhmm,' Emma replied as as planted a kiss softly on a particularly nasty cut on Regina's head. She felt her wince as she did so and a flood of guilt poured over her. 

'Im sorry honey,' she replied, but Regina ignored her. 

'Emma I was and am not badass in anyway.'

'You sure about that? I can remember some pretty damn nice power suits Madame manager,' she said with a smile. 

Regina moved her head away from Emma's neck positioned herself at an equal height. Her eyes were solemn as she stared into Emma's. 

'You don't have to do this...'

'What?' Emma questioned, trying to gently pull Regina back into her lap, but the brunette resisted. 

'Being strong for me, you don't have to do that.'

'Im not,' the blonde mumbled, suddenly fascinated in a loose thread on her duvet; anything to avoid Regina's deep staring eyes.

She was forced to lift her face up as Regina's finger moved under her chin, and turned her face towards her.

'Emma swan, don't you remember what we said last month?' 

'Um...-'

'We said we would try and fix each other,' Regina said with a soft smile.

'Im just making sure you're all fixed up first and foremost,' Emma replied.

'Emma,' she sighed, shaking her head but a smile still lingering on her lips. 'Why don't we talk again about the therapy thing?'

'Or not...' Emma replied, ducking her head once more, her chin resting on her chest. 

'You need help, we both do.'

'What happened to fixing each other? Actually what happened to you not wanting to talk?' She said with a raised voice, but she knew this was only an attempt to cover the anxiety she felt inside.

'This is fixing each other, Emma, sweetheart. I think we both know we can't rely on simply each other. And you're right, I think we should talk about this.'

She felt slightly sick, her hands started to shake but Regina grasped onto them, steadying them. 

'It won't be as bad as you think.'

'How do you know that? How could you possibly know?' Emma said, shouting now with anger in her voice, wrenching her hands from Regina's grip. 

'You're just afraid, Emma. And it's okay!'

Emma's heartbeat raced faster as she stood up and stepped off the bed.

'Its not okay,' she said softly, leaning back against the wall of her bedroom. 

Regina moved off the bed slowly, her legs wobbling as she attempted to edge off. Emma held up her hand to stop her. 

'Stop it Regina, you'll hurt yourself.'

'You're hurting me by not listening to me,' Regina replied, shifting her weight to sit on the corner of the bed, the closest she could be to Emma without standing. 

Emma couldn't find the words to reply.

'Don't you trust me?'

'Of course I do! It's...them I don't trust,' Emma whispered, trying to calm her breathing with her eyes shut. 

In.  
Out.  
In.  
Out.

'All you need is to trust me right now. This will be good for us, Emma. I wasn't sure at first, but now all I want is to have a life with you.'

'You want to have a life with me?' Emma blinked to stare at the brunette. She looked so sincere, so honest in her sad brown eyes, a tear welled up in Emma's eye. 

'Of course I do Emma,' Regina said softly, reaching out to grab her hand. She squeezed it gently and smiled.

'I know you're afraid, so am I. But this could help us move on. Don't you want that for us?'

'Yeah,' Emma replied with a shaky breath.

'I want...us. I want us so badly I can barely breathe.'

'You've got me,' Emma said, squeezing Regina's hand back. 

'Have I? Because I can't help but worry all the time about you hurting yourself,' Regina answered, almost pleading.

'Regina,-'

'Emma.' 

'I want us too Regina,' the blonde insisted. 'I want us more than anything.' She leant down, still grasping Regina's hands and placing a gentle affectionate kiss on her hand. 

'Then will you do this?'

'I...okay,' the blonde said finally, a tear rolling down her cheek in anxiety. 

'Thank you,' the brunette smiled and cupped emmas cheek, a tear also running down her own. Regina's smile was almost enough to make it all worthwhile.

'You'll get help too? Before the trial?' Emma asked softly.

'I will if you do,' the brunette whispered. 

'So I guess we're doing this together?' 

'Together,' Regina said with a beautiful laugh as the tears dribbled quickly down. Emma pressed her lips to her cheek bone to try and stop the flow of tears. 

'I love you,' the blonde whispered, her lips trailing down to her neck, sucking lightly on her skin. 

'Emma,' Regina sighed, leaning into her head, moaning quietly at Emma's touch. She noticed Regina's pleasure and sucked a little harder, her hands moving up her body to wrap her into a gentle hug, avoiding her wound carefully as she did so.

'Emma,' the brunette repeated longingly as Emma trailed her lips up her neck once more, and then finally planted one careful kiss on Regina's flushed cheek. The blonde leaned back to stare into Regina's eyes, noting a smile creep onto her face as she opened her mouth to speak. 

'I love you too.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! Remember to leave a comment :)


	47. Sliver of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The waiting room was a blank bleak white. It reminded her chillingly of being in the hospital as she felt the pit of her stomach stirring uncomfortably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I just want to say how sorry I am for not updating in so long. My exams are really really soon, but after that I'll update more frequently I swear! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, any mistakes are mine. Please leave a comment/ review id really appreciate it! 
> 
> TW: Panic Attack & therapy, please don't read if this could trigger you.

The waiting room was a blank bleak white. It reminded her chillingly of being in the hospital as she felt the pit of her stomach stirring uncomfortably. Emma had said she would pick her up in an hour with a patient, but anxious grin as she'd helped her out of the car and to the door. She focused on that as she waited, thinking of her smile, her cheeks, her hair and those green green eyes. They had agreed to some sessions, Regina wasn't sure how many, with Archie. He seemed to be one of the only therapists around storybrooke.

She wrapped her scarf a little tighter round her head; it was covering the fact that she had little to no hair left. It was the first time she had been out since the...incident, but she'd tried to cover up as much evidence of bruising and cuts on her face as possible. Emma had said she didn't need to, that she looked beautiful anyway, but Regina insisted. She didn't want people staring although despite her best efforts, she couldn't completely cover up the cuts on her hairline and cheek.

What was taking so long? The brunette thought to herself, her hands shaking anxiously watching the hand of the clock tick by slowly. The white walls began closing in as she waited, fumbling with her hands as she sat in the chair outside of the door that provided so much fear.

This was a mistake, she didn't know why she had thought it was a good idea to go alone, but she had insisted that she wasn't weak, she could do this. But now Regina was beginning to doubt her earlier decision as her heart raced faster, and the silence got louder and louder and turned into a continual beep of a heart monitor that was flatlining.

She grabbed her phone from her pocket and began to text the only person who she knew could help. Her hands shook as she fumbled and typed:

_Emma I can't do this_

A reply was almost immediate.

_Course you can Gina. It's going to be just fine. Love u x_

_Love you too x_

Although the blondes words provided momentary comfort, and even provoked a small smile, she craved her touch, her arms, her support. She wanted to get out of this white room.

_Are you sure you can't come and get me?_

She typed back.

_Do you want me to? I can, it's okay x_

A shaky breath escaped from her lips. Just as she had persuaded herself to walk out, text Emma, and leave and never come back, the door opened and Dr Hopper came out.

'Hi Regina, I'm sorry to keep you waiting,' he said with a rushed smile, but it seemed genuine enough.

'Please come in,' he gestured as she made little response.

Regina stood up slowly, her head and heart pounding, holding onto the wall for support as she edged into the room. It was small, but bright in a more comforting way than in the hall. It was covered in pictures and books littered the cupboards and shelves in an almost homely way.

'Would you like some assistance Regina?' Archie offered.

'No, I'm fine,' she half snapped, but added,' thank you,' a little more softly as she carefully planted herself in the chair opposite his desk. Archie strode round and sat on his own chair, grabbed a file from his desk and handed it to Regina.

'I unfortunately have to ask you to fill out a couple of forms to do with insurance etc and your medical records. It won't take too long I hope, then we can get started.'

He handed Regina a pen, which she took in her shaking hand, staring at the paper which was filled with black letters jumbling all over the place. She tried to fill it in, but her frustration was getting the better of her as her shaking hand prevented her from writing as easily as she would have liked. It was all questions about medical insurance, etc etc. When writing, the ticks and crosses were fine, but when it came to writing sentences, her handwriting wobbled uncontrollably up and down the page. with her shaking hands and burning wrist. Her every injury seemed to be throbbing angrily at her, almost aware of what she was about to do.

She blushed when she handed it over, scribbles and all, but Archie's smile didn't seem to convey any negative judgement.

'Thank you, Regina,' he said smiling again. Why so much smiling? To lull her into a false sense of security?

'Why don't you go and take a seat on my couch and we can get started, he suggested, pointing to the leather chair behind her. For some reason the sight of it made her even more anxious as she shifted herself up and off onto the other chair, wincing as she sat down, her wound pressing uncomfortably against the top of her trousers despite the fact they were only sweat pants.

'Do you want to lie down Regina?' The therapist asked, but she shook her head. It would feel too real if she did, so she simply perched on the very edge of the couch, as if she could and would get up at any moment.

'It might help you relax,' he suggested gently, but she shook her head once more, and looked down, anxiously playing with her hands and picking at a loose hangnail on her right thumb.

'How are you doing Regina?' He asked after a moment, realizing she wasn't going to say anything.

'Fine,' she replied quietly, ignoring his gaze from the other chair. She could tell he was looking at her.

'You know anything you tell me in here is confidential, right?'

'Of course, I know the code,' she replied a little louder this time.

'Good. I just wanted to be sure,' he said to her, and wrote something down in his book. As far as she could tell she hadn't said anything of value? So what was he writing? What was he thinking?

'I don't believe I've said anything if value yet Dr Hopper,' she said almost joking, but anxiety rose in her throat as he met her eyes. They looked kind and sympathetic but she could also tell he was watching her very intently.

'Just observations, nothing to worry about.'

'Oh.'

They fell into silence once more, until Dr Hopper broke the silence.

'Regina, I know you may find this difficult, but trust me, this will be beneficial in the long run.'

'I know,' she replied quietly.

'Why don't you talk to me about the man who assaulted you?'

'David?'

'Yes, David,' he affirmed, his pen resting on his hand now, lightly tapping patiently waiting for her reply.

'What about him?'

'Well we could talk about your feelings towards him.'

'Isnt it obvious? I hate him,' she almost snarled.

Her pounding heart echoed alongside the rasp of her breath, always giving out more than she took in.

'Do you really hate him?' He asked, looking at her considerately.

'I don't know,' she whispered after a moments thought. Despite the smallness of the room, it echoed right back into the centre of her chest, nuzzled in her heart as a shard of glass. Was this the truth?

'What makes you unsure?'

'I want to hate him with all my heart,' she replied firmly.

'Want, being the emphasised word,' Archie said with a small smile.

She said nothing, her heart pounding and her head throbbing in the silence that prolonged her pain. He had hurt her so badly, caused her so much pain. Why couldn't she bring herself to hate him?

'We might be getting ahead of ourselves here,' he said with a slight sigh as she uttered no sound. 'Why don't we start with this,' he said to her, 'Why are you here?'

'For Emma,' she replied almost instantly, the words escaping from her tongue before she could even register them.

'For me,' she added quietly. 'For us.'

'Us meaning you and Emma,' Archie repeated.

'Yes. I want a life with her, I want a proper relationship.'

'Are you having problems connecting intimately after what happened?' The doctor questioned, his pen hovering above his pad.

'We're waiting,' she replied with a soft blush,' for a little while until I'm ready.'

'So you've broached the subject?'

'We talked about it before...the event.'

'You mean David's attack?' The therapist asked.

'Yes,' she affirmed.

'What made you talk about it previously?'

'When I told Mr Jones about David, I thought it was over, we talked.'

'And how do you feel about it now?'

'About...being intimate?'

'Mhmm,' he nodded in response.

'I want it, I just don't know if I'm ready after everything.'

She mused, her finger rubbing over her thumb in anxiety as she stared at her lap. She wanted nothing more than a healthy, stable relationship with Emma. She wanted it so badly her heart ached for it.

'Okay,' Archie said with a smile, setting his pen down on his pad. 'It's okay to not feel ready, you do know that right?'

'I want to...' She mumbled quietly.

'Things take time. Healing takes time, both mentally and physically.'

'I'm fine,' she snapped once more, like a broken record on stuck.

'I think we both know, you wouldn't be here if you were completely fine Regina,' the therapist said with a sigh.

She didn't say anything in response, but her eyes quirked up into Archie's, almost in affirmation.

'I think that's quite enough deep talking for our first session. Is there anything you'd like to ask about how this works?' He asked after a moment.

'How many sessions did Emma arrange for us?'

'Twice a week, every week for the both of you. She sounded incredibly reluctant on the phone. Is this because of her issue of speaking about her problems?'

'I guess so. I've been trying to persuade her to come for months.'

'May I ask why?'

'I think it's best if she tells you that,' the brunette replied fondly almost, her eyes glazed over with even the thought of her lover; still with a sadness at her frequent self injury.

'Sure, no problem Regina. One last thing,' he said slowly, standing up and walking over to his desk. 'Would you ever consider coming back to the group? I know it's an ask after what happened, I just wondered.'

Regina winced as the dark alleyway filled her mind from her journey home after therapy.

'I....'

Her voice cracked as she attempted to choke out a response, a definitive no.

Suddenly she was overwhelmed, she could almost feel the cold air against her cheeks, her hair blowing against her neck; her cries, his face, his words, his-

'Regina?'

\- his knife, her skin, him, him him-

'Regina, it's all okay. You're with me, Dr Hopper in my office. Can you hear me?'

She blinked into the light of the office, seeing Archie's anxious face looking into her own.

'I'm sorry,' she replied huskily, her face hung as a humiliating stray tear slid down her pinkened cheek.

'That's quite alright,' the doctor replied thoughtfully. 'Do you often have these kind of flashbacks?'

'I guess it happens every so often,' she mumbled. 'Just when I'm reminded...'

'I could prescribe some medication for that Regina, it may help soothe your mind. But only time will lessen them.'

'Will they ever go away?' The brunette asked, although she already knew the answer.

'Maybe, maybe not. Only time will tell. From what it looks like to me, you're a very strong woman. I think you could if you wanted to, stop them for good.'

'How?' She questioned, her voice rasping almost as she leaned forward in the chair Dr hopped had guided her to.

'That's for you to find out. You make your own destiny, Regina, choose your own path. Don't let anything hold you back.'

She smiled as the tiniest sliver of hope reawakened in her heart. She thought it had been crushed, turned into dust, but there it shone, a bright white, an angelic white, brighter than ever.

But somewhere in there, right in the centre, she almost thought she saw a hint of green.

 


	48. You make me feel so many (wonderful) things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'How was it?'
> 
> 'Better than I expected...' the brunette said shyly as Emma opened the door and helped her into the seat of the car. 
> 
> She studied her, and she seemed genuine enough despite the red tear tracks and puffy eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only been a week since I updated, yay! 
> 
> I was inspired after watching Firebird to write this, I'm not sure why- it was a great episode though right?
> 
> You'll get your first semi-intimate scene today guys ;)) I know you've all been waiting for it! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! Please comment/ leave feedback id appreciate it!  
> TW for mentions of self harm.

Emma 26

'How was it?'

'Better than I expected...' the brunette said shyly as Emma opened the door and helped her into the seat of the car. 

She studied her, and she seemed genuine enough despite the red tear tracks and puffy eyes. 

She slid into her own seat, leaving the buckle in clipped as to leave her room to reach over to Regina. She cupped her cheek with a soft smile, and placed a small kiss on her pink cheek.

'I'm proud of you,' she said quietly, still lingering near her body, wanting only to envelop her in a large hug, but consciously aware of her injuries.

'I'm proud of me,' the brunette chuckled, 'I was about to walk out when Dr Hopper came out of his office.'

'I'm glad you stayed,' the blonde replied, smiling still at Regina's beautiful face. She reluctantly leaned back into her seat and started the engine of her car, taking care not to lurch about as she drove her and Regina home, back to her apartment. 

'I think it might help,' Regina said thoughtfully as Emma drove on towards home. 'I mean I didn't realise I needed to talk until I got there.'

'You can always talk to me Regina, you know that right?' Emma questioned anxiously, her eyes flicking to her lover, then back to the road. 

'Of course Emma.'

'Good. Just making sure,' the blonde replied, smiling softly. 

She pulled the car into an empty space as close to her house as possible, rushing out and opening the door to help Regina out of the other side.

'I can walk you know Emma,' Regina huffed as she reluctantly grasped the blondes hand to pull herself out of the car. 

'I know, but I don't want you to put pressure on your injuries,' the blonde replied, manoeuvring her arm under the brunette to help her towards the door.

'Always my savior,' Regina said quietly with a gentle kind of smile; it should have been happy but a twinge of sadness was blatantly obvious in her eyes. Therapy had obviously taken its toll. The blonde said nothing, only silently aiding her up the stairs, almost carrying her to avoid having Regina to walk at all.

It was a relief when she opened the door to her apartment, dark and cozy. It smelt like Regina, musky and like apples. But it still smelt like home- Regina's scent had just become that very thing that reminded her of safety.

She carefully placed Regina on the bed as she headed into the kitchen, and popped on the kettle to make them both a cup of coffee. She turned round as the kettle boiled, smiled at Regina, but said nothing. Regina looked happy but a little worn out. Maybe coffee wasn't the best idea.

'Are you tired Gina?' Emma asked, her brow furrowed in concern.

'A little, but don't worry, nothing a little bit of coffee won't fix.'

'No, you should sleep. I'll be fine if you want to take a nap for a few hours,' the blonde insisted. 

'Emma I want to be with you. You shouldn't be alone,' she added softly.

Emma's brow furrowed deeper at her words, turning to pour the kettle into a mug of instant coffee she had put out for herself.

'I'm fine Regina, honestly.' 

'What if I don't want to sleep without you?'

Emma turned to look at Regina. Her features were slightly anxious, her fingers fiddling with the white bandage on her wrist. This could mean only one thing. Emma abandoned her coffee, and walked over to where Regina sat on the edge of her bed. 

'Is it hurting you?' Emma asked gently, pointing to the bandage that was wrapped around the brunettes pale wrist.

Regina sighed,' I can't tell if it's actual pain or phantom pain. Don't worry though, I'm sure it's fine.'

'Let me check, please,' Emma said, reaching to unwrap the bandage.

'It's fine,' the brunette replied, almost harshly, drawing her hand away from Emma's own quickly.

'What is it?' The blonde asked softly, staring so hard Regina had to stare back into her green eyes.

'I don't want to see it,' she said quietly, mumbling now, looking down at her bandage. 'I don't want a reminder...'

'Just let me check it's not infected, Regina please.'

She nodded after a moment, moving her head only fractionally but Emma could see movement enough. She reached over, carefully peeling away the bandage to reveal the stitched words on Regina's wrist. 

'I own you,' still lay there as clear as day. Emma stared at it both filled with sadness and anger. The good news was, it didn't look infected. 

'I should probably re-dress your wounds again in a few hours.'

'We still have a few hours then,' Regina replied quickly, grasping the bandage, covering the writing on her wrist.

'You don't have to hide it.' Emma whispered softly, pressing a kiss Regina's temple whilst removing the bandage. 

'It's disgusting. I'm disgusting.'

'Don't ever say that,' Emma insisted as she pressed another kiss on Regina's cheek as turned to look at her. 

'It's true.'

'You don't have to hide it from me. It doesn't make me love you any less.'

'Then you don't hide from me,' she replied, tugging at the sleeve of Emma's long sleeve stripy top. She flinched at Regina's insinuation. 

'That's different, it's-'

'How is it different?'

'I...did this to myself. It's not your burden to bear,' Emma said quietly. Now she was the one fumbling with her fingers. 

'We're together Emma, we look after each other.'

She looked away, standing up from the bed and reaching for her coffee on the counter, turning her back on Regina.

'Emma please,' Regina said, her voice cracking. It sounded like she was close to tears.

'What is it Gina darling? What is it?' Emma asked anxiously, all anger dissipated, turning back round to the bed, cupping Regina's face in her hands.

'Can we just go to bed?' Regina pleaded quietly, tugging at Emma's hand in the general direction. 

'Not until we've talked, what is it?'

'I'm just worried I won't be able to stop thinking.'

'Thinking about therapy?' The blonde questioned softly.

'We talked about...David, and I had a flashback and it's still there sort of. Archie helped calm me down.'

'Regina why didn't you say anything?' Emma said anxiously, holding onto Regina's hand a little tighter, searching her face for anything she could pin down. 

'I didn't want you to worry.'

'Of course I'd worry, I'm always worried about you,' Emma sighed in frustration, but then pulled Regina into her chest, squeezing her a little, feeling the heat radiate between their two bodies.

'I'm fine,' Regina mumbled into the blonde's chest. 'I worry about you too.'

'You don't need to. Im fine, all I need is right here.'

'You mean that?'

'I do.'

'Then let's go to bed,' Regina mumbled, pulling out of Emma's grip, dragging the blonde as gently as she could behind her. Emma tucked the covers round Regina as she slid in beside her. 

Emma didn't need to lean in first, Regina grasped her hand under the warmth of the blankets and squeezed it tightly, her deep brown eyes looking into Emma's with a small smile on her face.

'I love you,' Emma whispered, unsure what prompted it, but it felt write coming off her lips in that moment.

'I love you too,' Regina replied, her smile a little brighter at Emma's words. Her hand moved slowly up her arm, making Emma's hair stand on end as she delicately traced a cut on her wrist.

'Don't hide from me.'

'Regina, I-' Emma started, but the brunette placed a finger on her lips, preventing her from speaking her excuse.

'You're going to tell Archie,' Regina said softly, looking at Emma as she moved her hand up her sleeve. Emma winced, not from pain but anxiety as Regina's hand moved slowly. 'Why not let this be a sort of practice?'

'What good will it do? Showing you my failures?' Emma sighed, but leaned away from Regina's grip, and hesitantly lifted the corner of her Tshirt, revealing milky flesh intermittent with red, purple and white. 

'You haven't failed. You told me scars are evidence that we are strong,' Regina replied.  
Emma bit her lip, she could feel her gaze upon her as she yanked her shirt over her head, leaving her in her bra- skin exposed. 

Before Regina could comment, Emma slid back down under the duvet, avoiding the brunettes gaze. 

'My angel, look at me, please.'

Emma turned anxiously towards her lover, still holding the duvet up to her neck to stop Regina from pulling it down.

'Can I see you?' She asked quietly, her nose all scrunched up in a way that Emma knew meant she was nervous.

'I don't want you to see me, I'm not beautiful,' Emma said quietly, allowing a stray tear to slip down her cheek in anxiety.

'You're so beautiful Emma, so so beautiful,' Regina insisted, a sad smile on her reddened cheeks as Emma regarded her. 'But you don't have to show yourself to me, I know the last time the circumstances weren't...' She stopped, her face twitching nervously as she tried to form the words in her mouth. 

Before she could say anything more, Emma lifted her arms from under the duvet, and wrapped them round Regina's shoulder, drawing her in towards her body. Their noses touched, and Emma could feel the heat of Regina's breath on her lips as they lay close together. She wanted so desperately to kiss her, but she knew that might not be the best thing to do at this current moment.

After a few minutes, Regina pulled back, still clutching Emma's arms. Regina grasped them tightly, but not so tightly that they would hurt. She began at Emma's wrist, circling them with her finger softly tracing the angry lines that scarred her skin. 

'You're so beautiful,' she said as she pressed a kiss on her wrist, covering the scars with her warm breath, almost as if she was healing them with her love.

'You don't have to do this Regina,' Emma said anxiously shifting under the duvet. 

'I want you to know how I feel,' she replied, pressing another kiss on Emma's wrist. 

The blonde watched as she worked her way up her arms gently stroking and caressing every inch as if they were the most important things in the world. Emma allowed herself to relax into Regina's touch, flopping back on to the pillow, leaving the blanket half over her chest. It had been so long since she had let someone touch her in this way. She should be nervous, she should be freaking out. But the way Regina touched her made her feel like she was something special.

She watched as Regina planted a final kiss on her shoulder, and edged over, lifting the duvet from where it covered Emma's stomach. 

Regina still looked a little sad, but her eyes were filled with a warm kind of love as she continued to work her way up Emma's stomach, lightly tracing her scars, small to big, old to new carefully and lightly- kissing her frequently, constantly whispering the words 'you're beautiful,' over and over as if the more times she said it, Emma would believe it eventually.

'What do you see in me?' Emma asked suddenly, forcing Regina to pause her gentle touches and look up at her into her eyes.

'Something...everything. I'm not quite sure, but I know when I'm around you I feel...' She looked to find the words. 'I feel safe, I feel loved. You make me feel so many things Emma, so many wonderful things,' she smiled warmly, and continued to kiss Emma's stomach lightly.

'You really mean that?' The blonde asked, doubting her words. She couldn't mean all that surely?

'Of course I do, I love you Emma. I love you so much,' Regina whispered, her hands tracing up her stomach until they came to Emma's bra. It was plain, baby blue. She hadn't dressed to impress anyone, not in a long time. 

Regina's hand paused as it reached the underwire. She looked up into Emma's eyes hesitantly, almost as if asking confirmation. 

Emma swallowed anxiously, but nodded swiftly. 'I...don't take it off okay?'

'Of course sweetheart,' The brunette replied gently. Her fingers edged up to the bottom of Emma's bra and slipped under, feeling around the new skin. The blonde felt her finger tips explore her cleavage, and then trace the rise of her breast, making gentle swirling patterns that only made Emma more relaxed in her presence.

A soft moan escaped her lips as Regina's fingers gently explored a little more. Her touch both relaxing and arousing. She felt a tingling growing throughout her entire body.

'Is this okay?' The brunette asked hesitantly, and Emma could only nod in reply. When Regina's finger came up to her nipple, she gulped in air, the feeling of her fingers enough to make her head go dizzy with allure. 

'Oh god Regina,' Emma moaned as Regina swirled round her right breast.

The brunette leaned in, suddenly removing her fingers from the bra, and kissed Emma deeply. The blonde could feel the heat from Regina's soft plump lips as they met her own. She kissed back softly, propping herself up against the bed to allow space to pull Regina up and onto her.

Her skin was so warm and soft and it felt so good against her own. She deepened the kiss, her tongue gently edging in for the first time, touching Regina's lower lip. She made no complaint, but continued to kiss Emma back passionately. She lifted a hand up to Regina's head, and cradled it as if she was the most precious thing in the world, and to Emma she was. 

Regina's hands were now wrapped around Emma's shoulders, her body now gently straddling Emma's hips as the blonde held her tightly, carefully, but lovingly as she expressed her love physically. 

They only paused to breathe for air, but they both blushed when they saw each other's flushed faces, smiling nervously at their new found passion. 

Emma quenched the voices in her head. They yelled quieter and quieter until she could barely hear them as she stared at Regina's beautiful loving face. They were going to get through this together.

'You too,' Emma mumbled into Regina's head, later that evening, her arms cradling her body as they snuggled together, a heap on the duvet. 

'What?' Regina looked up, confused.

'You make me feel so many wonderful things,' Emma said with a smile, and basked in the warmth that Regina's body radiated. She allowed herself to be happy in this moment, encased in an beautiful dream, to which she hoped, would never end.


	49. Sort of Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina blinked into the warm light of the apartment; she barely even remembered falling asleep, but she knew it had been in Emma's arms. The coldness of the bed around her jolted her awake; the absence of the blonde was blatantly obvious, as if a whole chunk of her was missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here's another chapter for you all. Sorry it's been a while since I've updated. I hope you enjoy this chapter! I have exams still for the next few weeks, but then I'll be able to update more frequently. I've already started the next chapter so, yeah. I'm sorry this is a bit of a crappy update.
> 
> Feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Regina blinked into the warm light of the apartment; she barely even remembered falling asleep, but she knew it had been in Emma's arms. The coldness of the bed around her jolted her awake; the absence of the blonde was blatantly obvious, as if a whole chunk of her was missing. 

When her eyes adjusted, she shuffled up the bed frame, her limbs aching, blinking away the dark dreams of the night. Emma was in the kitchen, her blonde hair tied up loosely in a ponytail as she moved around her small kitchen. She had put back on her top, but the sleeves were rolled up as she worked furiously. Was she cooking? Beethoven's symphonies were twinkling quietly around the room she realized as she worked.

'Emma?' She said gently, stretching her head to watch the blondes every move.

'Hello sleepy head,' Emma replied with a grin, looking to Regina in bed.

'What are you doing?' She questioned. She noticed how Emma seemed more at ease. Her grin was natural as she looked up from under her lashes at Regina's slumped figure. 

'Uh cooking, what does it look like?' Emma chuckled. 

'What's the occasion?'

'Well...' Emma paused, 'I realized that we haven't actually been on a date, so I thought...'

Emma looked up at her, anxious now, her eyes flicking up and down. 

'Is that okay?'

'Emma...I...you don't need to do that.'  
A feeling of overwhelming love bubbled up in her throat. Her eyes welled up, her deep brown eyes glassy at the thought of Emma taking her time to make dinner for the both of them.

'You don't want it, that's fine,-'

'No, Emma. I would love that,' Regina reassured with a smile. A tear slid down her cheek. She brushed it away quickly, but Emma noticed, her brows furrowed, and she quickly abandoned a pan of vegetables in the oven, and rushed to her side. 

Regina held up her hand, 'I'm fine Emma, really.'

'Are you in pain Gina? What's wrong?' The blonde cupped her cheek gently, and turned her face to her own. Emma's eyes explored her own, as if searching for evidence of her pain. 

'I'm fine, I'm good, I'm happy,' she said with a smile, allowing another tear to slide down her cheek as she smiled, cupping the blondes cheek in return. 

'You're due your medication now anyway,' Emma still looked at her anxiously, and walked back to the kitchen, picking up the large box of pills she was seemingly required to take. 

'Why do I have to take all of those?' Regina sighed, lifting her hand to her head, almost sub consciously to rub her hand through her hair. She paused, and lifted it back down, shaking slightly. Her anxiety was present suddenly, she noticed her hand shaking as she clamped them together.

'The hospital says so,' Emma replied with a sigh, bringing over a tall glass of water and the pills, crouching by the bed and shifting her body up into a sitting position. Her stomach throbbed as she did so, her whole body in fact throbbed dully. 

Emma lifted the first handful of pills to her lips and she parted them, but as soon as she felt them in her mouth, she choked up, her eyes watering as Emma handed her the glass quickly. She tried to swallow but her throat constricted tightly, forcing the chalky pills to the forefront of her mouth. 

She looked at Emma, who stared back at her, her hand now wrapped around her back.

'Come on, it's just a few pills Gina just swallow them,' Emma coaxed, rubbing her back gently. 

But Regina couldn't keep them in, she shuffled out of Emma's grip, edged towards the edge of the bed in effort to reach the bathroom in which she could spit the pills out in the sink. 

'Regina,' Emma rushed over, her hands now planted lightly on Regina's thighs, blocking her path toward the bathroom door.

Regina shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes, the pills pressed up against her lips tightly to stop them from spilling from her mouth. Emma lifted her hand, nodding gently as Regina spat the pills out into her open palm. 

'What is it?' Emma asked gently, her other hand now cupping Regina's soft pinkened cheek.

'I don't know, I...' She shook her head again. Her throat was still constricting as she felt her head begin to spin with the beginnings of an anxiety attack. 

'Regina, honey, talk to me.'

What the hell was wrong with her? Emma was right here, it was okay. Then why was she feeling so shaky and anxious? They were going to have a nice night. They were just damn pills.

She waved a hand over her throat, her gulping breaths juddering her rib cage. 

'Your throat? Does it hurt? What's wrong?' Emma almost sounded desperate, her eyes filled with panic. 

'I can't,' she whispered.

'Honey if you don't take your meds, I'm going to have to take you back to the hospital,' Emma said softly with a sigh. 

'No, I...no,' the brunette said anxiously. She grasped Emma's hand tightly in attempt to stop the shaking of her own. Emma seemed to sense her anxiety, and leaned in, holding her close to her chest, her arms lightly encircled her shoulders. 

'It's okay Regina, it's going to be just fine,' Emma's soothing voice whispered in her ear, her cheek on Regina's own. Emma's warm body felt so comforting as she leaned in. Her skin was so soft, so...much like home. 

'Why don't we have a little bit of food first hmm?' Emma asked softly, drawing back. 'I have some soup I was making for us. How does that sound?'

'Good,' Regina mumbled, her fingers still scrunched up. One finger was lightly traced her reapplied bandage that coated her wrist in a white cotton. 

'Okay,' Emma said, her smile steady, but Regina could still see the an anxiety in her eyes as she stood up slowly. She moved Regina back to a more comfortable position on the bed, and tucked the duvet around her, creating a nest of blankets and pillows for her to lie in. 

Emma walked back to the kitchen, and turned up the CD player on her way, allowing the classical music to effortlessly glide throughout the room. 

'Just relax okay? I'm just going to finish off dinner and then we can have a nice meal, and do nice couple things,' Emma said, almost with a smirk.

'Nice couple things?' Regina asked with a small smile as she watched Emma move around the kitchen, lifting some roasted vegetables out of her oven and into a pan.

'Well I guess I realised we hadn't had many normal conversations in a while, you know? I thought I could ask you about the little things like your favourite kind of chocolate, or what you do on Sunday mornings, I don't know,' Emma said awkwardly, but her smile was still there, making her face glow in the warm light. 

'I like ferrero rocher,' she replied with a slight chuckle. 'And on Sunday's, I used to do some weekly shopping at the local supermarket, until...well now.'

'Insights into the life of Regina Mills,' Emma said, still smiling. 

'What about you? Favourite chocolate and Sunday mornings?'

'I'd probably go for a big galaxy bar, not gonna lie,' the blonde replied with a chuckle, 'And for Sunday mornings, I have the biggest big ass lie in.'

Emma's laugh was so bright and full of warmth and light it took Regina's breath away. Golden glowing hair, and pale radiant skin, the embodiment of the sun.

'When you say big ass, how long is that actually?'

'Uh...probably like 3pm?' Emma hedged, a slightly guilty grin on her face. 'Now I'm gonna whiz this up alright? So give me 5 minutes.'

Regina nestled back into the blankets, the sound of Beethoven blocked out by the whiz of the blender. She couldn't believe Emma was making food for them, it was just so...so perfect. 

She lifted her wrist, looking at the white bandage once more. It was just a memory now, albeit a painful once. She blinked away the beginnings of the dark nightmares as they threatened her mind, and stared at Emma's thin, but beautiful body. She had never seen anyone quite like her in this world before. She was thin, a little too thin if Regina thought about it, but she pushed it away. Her golden hair flowed down her back in lazy curls. Her own hair had been dark and straight, the opposite of Emma's which somehow made the blondes even more beautiful. She couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until her own hair grew back, into something more acceptable. She pushed it away and tried to bury it where she placed all her thoughts at this time that were too much to think about. 

Emma looked over at her and smiled, that wonderful bright smile as she turned off the blender, filled with an autumnal looking vegetable soup. She ladled it back into a pan on the hob and began to stir it lightly with a spoon.

'Do you fancy a bed picnic?' She asked, 'Or do you want to sit up here in the kitchen?'

It would make more sense to sit up in the kitchen, but as she moved, she winced as her stomach throbbed. 

'Stay there Gina, it's fine, I'll get us trays. Don't hurt yourself,' Emma insisted, pouring the now warm soup into two bowls. Before she brought them over, she came to Regina, and lifted her gently, so her back was against the headboard. She placed a tray on her lap comfortably. She walked back and grabbed two spoons, and the two bowls of soup, and a tray for herself. She slid next to Regina on the bed, her back also against the headboard. She placed a spoon and a bowl of soup on Regina's tray with a smile. 

'Bon appetite!' She said, as Regina grasped the spoon, and took a spoonful of soup towards her mouth. She seemed to be able to swallow something this time. The warm liquid almost soothed her throat and she sighed in content. 

'Good?'

Regina nodded enthusiastically as she took another spoonful to her lips. 

'I didn't know you could cook!' She exclaimed as she swallowed down another spoonful. 

'Aha not really,' the blonde said with a chuckle. 'I can make soup, a few other things. I mainly choose not to though.'

'I wish you'd cook more if your food tastes like this,' Regina replied with a smile.

'Anything for you,' she replied with a grin as she took a mouthful of her own soup. 

'What's your favourite book?' Regina asked curiously as she lifted the spoon to her lips, her shaking hand now a little more under control. 

'Uh, probably Catcher in the Rye.'

'Why is it your favorite?'

'I'm not sure, it was one of the first books I read as a kid, and it really stuck with me. What about you?' The blonde asked

'Wuthering heights,' she mused, 'it's probably one of the most emotionally aware books I have read. It's truly beautiful.'

'Is that a Brönte?'

'Yeah, it's Emily. I prefer it to Jane Eyre, although many say that is the better novel.'

'Who's to say which is better?' Emma replied, moving slowly to plant a small kiss on Regina's cheek. The feel of her lips was positively magical. If she hadn't got food on her own lap, she would've moved in for another.

'You're right,' she answered, taking another spoonful of soup. It was so warm, mingled with spices and roasted vegetables. Delicious. 

'I already know your favourite music, ' Emma said after a moment.

'Beethoven, yes,' Regina replied with a chuckle. His mellow notes still played out quietly into the apartment as they sat together on the bed, eating their soup. 

Regina finished her bowl with a contented sigh. It was the first proper food she had eaten in a while. Previously anything had made her feel sick, but Emma's soup had quite the opposite effect. It seemed to make her even more hungry.

'I want more,' she sighed contentedly, and she slid a little further towards Emma, her head resting lightly on the blonde's shoulder. 

'I don't know if that's a good idea,' Emma replied. 'Let's wait and see how you keep it down first yeah?'

'Okay,' Regina said softly. Emma moved and grabbed the two finished bowls on trays, and lifted them quickly back to the kitchen. She moved back towards the bed, picking up the plastic pills container on her way. She shook it, gesturing to Regina.

The brunette sighed, a prickling anxiety rising up her spine and a tightness in her stomach caused her breathing to increase.

'Tell me why you don't want to take them,' Emma said softly as she sat down once more beside Regina on the bed, her hand grasping the brunettes and holding it tightly, comforting her.

'It means I'm weak. I...mother always told me never to show weakness. I've let her down so much already. The pills are just a reminder of what happened.'

'You're so far from weak Regina. But you need these, to make you better.'

'When I was younger, she hardly ever let me had medication. I never have sick days even when I'm sick. It's just something I've been taught growing up.'

'I understand that, but these pills are going to make you better, and heal faster. That's a good thing Regina.

'I know... I...just get on with it.'

Emma sighed, and lifted her back the handful of pills she had tried to take earlier that evening. 

She swallowed them forcefully with a glug of water. She coughed violently as the chalky pills grated down her throat. Her coughing made her stomach wound throb angrily. She winced, lifting a hand to it involuntarily. 

'Just a few more,' Emma said softly, holding another handful up to her lips. It seemed like forever, but she finally swallowed the last damn pill, and collapsed back onto the pillows, her throat and her stomach both gratingly painful. 

Emma leaned down onto the bed, snuggling next to her.  
'I'm so proud of you, Regina.'

'What for? I haven't done anything?' Regina asked, confused.

'You're just so...strong. Unlike me,' the blonde added with a slight chuckle that seemed a little too forced.

'You're stronger than me, Emma. You've been fighting this battle for much longer than me,' Regina sighed, snuggling closer onto Emma's chest.

'You've got therapy tomorrow haven't you?' Regina whispered. She felt Emma's stomach tense as soon as the words left her mouth. 

'Mhmm,' the blonde replied. 

'It will help,' Regina insisted, trying to meet the blondes gaze, but Emma's eyes looked everywhere except her own.

'Yeah,' she replied weakly, forcing a smile finally, looking at Regina's face. 

'You're going to win this battle,' she said, snuggling back into Emma's chest. Emma's reply was a ghost of a whisper, barely there, but there enough. 

'But will I win the War?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment, I would really appreciate it!


	50. Head in her hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She'd thrown up twice that morning already, and Regina hadn't even woken up yet. She wasn't drunk, but her head was hammering like a rock concert, and her chest was so tight she was grasping for breaths at every opportunity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hello everyone! This is the longest chapter of this story yet, and it just so happens to be chapter 50. I actually wrote it a few days ago, I just wanted to check it over a few more times before posting. This chapter contains Emma's first ever therapy session. I myself have never been to therapy, so all of my information is from the Internet about what it is actually like. Feel free to let me know what I've got wrong with it, I'd love to do it better next time. 
> 
> I'm sure this chapter has been long awaited, and I hope it doesn't disappoint any of you. Please be aware of the trigger warnings for general angst/emotional scenes and for a brief mention of self harm. Also beware of vomit. If any of these could trigger you, or you're sensitive, please read with caution. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, feedback and comments are much appreciated!

She'd thrown up twice that morning already, and Regina hadn't even woken up yet. She wasn't drunk, but her head was hammering like a rock concert, and her chest was so tight she was grasping for breaths at every opportunity. She sat, crouched by the toilet in a ball, her anxiety rocketing like mad, one word screaming at her from every corner of the room:

Therapy. 

In a matter of hours, she would be sitting in a shrinks office, talking about her 'inner most,' feelings. 

She couldn't do it. She wouldn't.  
But thinking about Regina, sleeping quietly in the other room, pulled at her heart. Regina. She had promised her. She had agreed to this, she realised, staring down at her shaking hands, her sleeves rolled up to reveal her patchwork scars, red, white and purple. So conflicted; the need to make more and the need to scrub them all out as if they were never there. 

She fumbled with her sleeves, her hands. She had to find something to do with her hands before she pulled her own hair out. She couldn't move, it was as if her feet were rooted to the spot. She wouldn't move, couldn't move. Didn't want to. 

'Emma?' She heard Regina's voice from the other room. 

Shit shit shit. Regina couldn't see her like this. Had she locked the door? She thought so. Her heart was racing so fast she thought it might beat out of her chest if it went any faster. 

'Emma?'  
She heard her call again. No words came to her mouth to call out in comfort, as she twisted her hands together anxiously, and moved as far back from the door as she possibly could. 

'Emma?' She heard an anxiety in Regina's voice now, it broke on the last syllable of her name. But still, she could force no words from her mouth. 

She heard movement, and a thud, and slow shuffling footsteps. Regina was moving towards the door from what it sounded. 

'Emma are you in there?' The brunette asked, and weakly hit her fist on the door. Emma heard it, and a low sob escaped her lips. 

'Emma please open the door,' Regina said anxiously, another fist hit the door with a thud, making Emma's heart beat only more erratically. 

'Don't make me go,' she sobbed out quietly, but Regina heard. There was another thud. Maybe Regina was slumped by the door, Emma couldn't be sure.

'What are you so afraid of?' She called quietly. 

Emma took a quick breath between heaving sobs, 'They'll think I'm crazy.'

'You're not crazy Emma. Far from it,' Regina replied, her voice calming.

'But I am. I see things, I...have flashbacks and I panic and...I don't deal with it well.'

'That's what therapy is for. To find a way to deal with these kind of things.'

'I don't want them to lock me away for good,' she sobbed, her head in her hands, still resting beside the bowl of the toilet. 

'You won't be, Emma. It's all going to be just fine, trust me.'

'I don't want to talk about it, it won't help,' the blonde mumbled through her hands, suddenly the feeling to vomit over powering her once more. She lifted herself to the toilet, and threw up the last of yesterday's soup. 

'Emma, let me in please!'

She wiped her mouth with her hand, and shuffled slowly to the door, her hand resting on the lock. She didn't turn it.

'You'll just make me go.'

'I'm not making you do anything Emma. But we agreed. And I think we both know you need to do this,' Regina replied with a sigh. It sounded like she was crying on the other side, and that was too much for Emma. She turned the latch, and swung the door open slowly. 

Regina's face was pink and tear tracks glistened on her cheeks. As soon as their eyes met, Regina lunged into Emma's arms, pulling her close. 

'It's going to be okay,' she mumbled into the blondes hair. She was warm, and soft like a comforting blanket had been wrapped around her. She allowed herself to revel in Regina's touch for the moment, but she drew back after a few minutes. Regina's deep chocolate eyes met her own, as if trying to communicate some form of comfort and strength.

'I can't do it Gina,' she whispered, looking down at her hands and her scarred arms. 

'Yes you can. I will come with you.'

'You can't come in with me Regina, it's not allowed,' Emma sighed dejectedly, but her heart was still racing. 

'I know, but I can come with you in the car, and I'll be waiting for you when you come out.'

'You don't have to do that Regina...I...'

'Someone has to make sure you get there safety,' she said softly, twiddling with a strand of Emma's pale, blonde hair. 

'Who says I'm going?' Emma muttered under her breath, but Regina's eyes narrowed at her words. 

'Em I need you to do this for me.'

'We're just fine as we are? Why change?'

'You know perfectly well we are not fine. Do you want me to write a list of the things that are not fine? Because I could write on all the way to the goddamned floor.' She sighed. 'Emma please do this for me. It will will be good for us.'

'But will it be good for me?'

'Yes it will. Most importantly it will be. It will help, trust me,' Regina answered, once more holding the blonde tightly in her arms. Emma never wanted her to let go. 

She found herself outside Dr Hoppers office a few hours later, sitting in her car, her leg jerking uncomfortably. Her hands were shaking and sweaty as she wiped them on her jeans.

'I'll be right out here,' Regina said comfortingly, placing a hand on Emma's shoulder and squeezing it gently.

The blonde propelled her legs forward into the building that caused her so much fear. She yanked down her sleeves, just in case any scars were visible. She had already made sure her jeans and turtleneck covered her sufficiently, but her nerves got the better of her. 

She sat in the waiting room, pulling down the sleeves of her black turtleneck anxiously. She shut her eyes, in attempt to block everything out. Her head was placed in her hands. It was cold and dark, but thankfully empty. She could no longer hear anything from the outside world as she wandered around. No phones ringing, the voices of the room far distant ghostly echoes. No one could hurt her. No therapy. Her safe place. 

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped out of her dreaming, blinking back into the light of the waiting room, her head pounding.

'Emma? It's Archie, are you alright?'  
His hand was still firmly placed on her shoulder she realized, so she shook her upper body, jerking his hand away. 

'Get the fuck off me,' she almost growled, shutting her eyes once more, but the black place wouldn't come back. It was a startlingly blank clinical White. So bright she swore it was burning out her retinas from the inside.

'Alright, I'm sorry,' she heard Archie apologise softly, but she ignored him, so intent on falling back into her dreams.

'Do you want to come in?' 

She must've shaken her head, because she felt Archie sit down beside her, a new weight present on the sofa.

'It's more cosy in my office,' he said calmly, suggestive. No hint of forcefulness graced his words. 

'I'd rather not,' Emma muttered under her breath. The white was now a sort of muggish brown, the colour the light through your hands with your eyes open, as if playing hide and seek but you're trying to sneak a view. She wasn't getting anywhere. No going back.

'Alright. We can sit here for a bit then,' he answered, then slouched back a little more into the sofa. 

They sat there for god knows how long in silence, Archie's presence not intimating, but not wanted either. It must have been about 10 minutes of silence (it felt like longer,) when Archie spoke again:

'Do you feel like you can come in yet?'

Emma pulled her hands away from face slowly. He looked kind, and not judgemental. But that didn't ease her shaking hands and her beating heart. 

'Sure,' she breezed, trying to sound nonchalant, but she could tell Archie saw right through her. She stood up slowly and walked over to the door where he was pointing, and slipped inside. It was fairly small, and slightly dark despite the big window at one side of his office. She felt him step in behind her, and shut the door. The click of it had her heart racing even faster. 

'Don't shut the door,' she pleaded. Kicking herself for how weak she currently sounded. 

'Of course,' he said softly, and opened it slightly. Not too much, but just enough to see a sliver of the waiting room though- an escape plan if necessary. 

'I have some paper work for you to fill out, but I think that can wait a little while,' Archie said, and gestured to the black leather couch. 'Would you like to lie down for me, Emma?' 

'No,' the blonde replied determinedly. It would make everything just too real. Her heart was already pounding like a brass band, and any more stress she knew could be potentially problematic. 

'That's okay. Why not sit down instead?'

She shrugged, and sat down on the very edge of the couch, playing with her nails as she waited for Archie to sit down in the adjacent chair. 

'Okay, Emma. Just going to go over the basics here. Everything you say is confidential, it will not be passed onto anyone else, unless I feel you are a danger to yourself, or others, does that make sense?'

She could barely utter a word, so she figured a simple nod would suffice. She played with a loose thread on her top as she waited in the agonising silence for Dr Hopper to say something further. 

'Regina told me she'd been trying to persuade you to come see someone for a while, you want to tell me why that is?' Archie asked. His voice portrayed no malice, but his question made her head spin with anxiety. She placed her head in her hands once more, trying to ground herself. She couldn't be sick again, not in his office, God that would be embarrassing. She shook her head swiftly, her fingers firmly twisted in the roots of her hair, her elbows rested on her knees, trying to block him out.

'Emma, I can't help you if you don't talk to me.'

'What if I don't want your fucking help?' She muttered under her breath, probably loud enough for Dr Hopper to hear, but she decided she didn't care. 

'If you don't want my help, why are you here?' The doctor asked. She could hear him as he tapped his pen on his pad of paper.

'I promised Regina,' she mumbled, still clutching her head for dear life. If she let go, she'd have to face him. 

'What about yourself?'

'What?' She asked, looking up this time, confused by his question. His eyes bored into her own deep green eyes, with unanswered questions. 

'Do you hold no promises to yourself?'

'I don't care,' she shrugged, straightening her back a little, and crossed her legs, leaning back a little onto the comfort the sofa offered. 

'You don't care about yourself?'

'No...I...yes, I why am I even talking to you,' she said with an angry sigh, placing her head back in her hands, frustrated she had even made eye contact with the do-gooder Doctor.

'Because I'm here to help,' he suggested. She heard him scribble something down on his paper. She didn't know what, but it was unnerving to say the least. 

'I don't know what you want me to say, that I want to be here, that I want to stop doing it, because let me tell you, I don't,' she snapped. 

'Stop doing what?'

His question, was so innocent, but it posed so much threat. She had given herself away. 

'What?' She asked incredulously, a facade of fake confusion smothering her face. 

'You said that you don't want to stop doing it, and I said, stop doing what,' the doctor repeated calmly. 

'I don't know what the fuck you're talking about,' she raised her voice slightly, looking at him in the eye, hoping her glare was enough to scare him off, but he barely batted an eyelash.

'What is it you don't want to stop doing Emma?' He said softly once more, staring at her intently.

She wanted to run, to hide, to bury herself in a hole and never come out. Her eyes swam with anxious tears, and she felt bile filling up in her mouth. Her eyes peeked through and narrowed on the bin. She beelined for it, allowing the contents of her stomach to pour out of her mouth. She sensed Archie crouching beside her, but she took no notice to what he was saying, and merely clutched onto the edge of carpet and knelt over the bin, her heart pounding ferociously. 

When she was done, she couldn't bear to move. She clutched the sides of the bin, her knuckles turning white with the effort. 

'Would you like some water?' Archie asked kindly, and when she nodded, he filled a cup up from a water machine in he corner of his office. He handed it to her carefully, making sure their fingers didn't touch as he did so. She swirled it round her mouth and spat it out into the bin. She felt drained, physically and emotionally as she leaned to the side against the wall. 

'Do you throw up often?' Archie asked gently. She could feel his eyes on her, it felt as if he was staring right into her soul. 

'Only when I'm anxious, or drunk,' she revealed, quite to her own surprise.

'And how often is that?'

'How the fuck should I know? Emma snapped tiredly. She lifted her hand to her throat. It was slightly sore. 

'Just a question, Emma, the therapist replied. 'If you could estimate, perhaps, what would you say,' he added. 

'I don't know, a couple of times a month I guess,' the blonde replied. 'This month probably more,' she added a little quieter.

He looked slightly worried, and took a deep breath she noticed from the corner of her eye, as if he was about to say something she wouldn't like to hear. He covered it well, but she noticed even so. 

'How would you feel about me giving you a throat examination? I'm also a trained doctor.'

She felt lightheaded. This was even worse than anticipated. Black spots appeared at the corner of her eyes as she felt her heart race faster. 

'Throwing up a few times a month could be causing severe damage to your throat lining, it should be properly checked to ensure that there is no damage.'

Emma was barely listening as she shut her eyes, blocking out Archie's worried face and his office.

'Emma you need to calm down, alright. Everything is fine. You're with me in my office. And you're just fine.'

He kept saying it over and over as she tried to steady her breathing, but to no avail. 

'A throat exam is nothing to be afraid about. Just take a deep breath.' 

'Regina,' she gasped out between frantic pants, throwing her phone in Archies direction. When he handed it back, it was calling her number. 

'Hey, Emma. Is everything okay?'

'I...no, I need you,' she gasped frantically. 

'Are you still with Dr Hopper?' 

'Mhm.'

'I'll come inside.'

'You might hurt yourself Gina, you don't need to-'

'I'm coming inside,' the brunette interrupted determinedly. Emma heard the door slam and the sound of shuffling footsteps.

'Get your wheelchair,' Emma insisted, but Regina wasn't listening. 

'Just take some deep breaths alright, I'm coming.' Her voice was soothing, pulling her back down to earth. The pace of her breathing slowed slightly, but she still avoided Dr Hopper's eyes.

She heard Regina talking to a receptionist angrily, demanding to see Dr Hopper. He stood up and walked to the door, and opened it. He must have been gesturing to Regina. They appeared by the door again, Archie standing close by her side as she limped her way through the door, holding onto the couch for support. As soon as she saw Emma on the floor, she rushed to her, almost at her normal speed, dropping down to the floor with only a slight wince. 

She hesitated before placing her hands gently on Emma's shoulders, pulling her in for a hug, kissing her lightly on the cheek as she did so. Regina's arms made her feel safer. Her breathing slowed as she allowed herself to feel comfort in her touch. 

'What happened?' She whispered so quietly only Emma could hear. 

'He asked me questions, I panicked,' Emma murmured, burying her face in Regina's shoulder. 

'He's meant to ask questions, that's the whole point Em.'

'Questions I didn't want to answer,' Emma replied as she tried to hide a sob that came from her throat. 

'Oh honey, it's okay, I'm so proud of you,' she whispered, stroking Emma's hair so gently. 

She pulled back after a minute, facing Emma, staring at her in the eye. 'How about you finish the session, and then we go home and watch a movie hmm?' Regina suggested, her hand lightly tracing Emma's cheek bone. 

She nodded slightly, allowing Regina to rise from the floor. She saw Regina wince as she stood up, rubbing her stomach slightly. She looked to be in pain. 

'I'm sorry,' she mumbled guiltily as she noted Regina's expression. 

'Don't be sorry,' she said, smiling anxiously. Regina reached her hand down to pull Emma up, but retracted at the last minute, pain flashing across her features. 

'Are you alright Regina?' Archie asked gently. Emma had almost forgotten he had been there, watching their embrace. 

'Fine thank you Dr Hopper, I will see you tomorrow,' she said with a weak smile. Emma lifted herself off the ground, looking to the floor to ignore the gazes of Archie and Regina. She had failed. She had exposed too much of herself.

'Are you leaving? She mumbled to Regina, pulling at one of her sleeves anxiously. 

'I'll just outside, and in 30 minutes, and then we can go home, alright?'

Emma nodded, and stepped towards Regina, nuzzling into the crevice of her neck before she left as a last shred of comfort. 

'I love you Emma Swan,' Regina replied softly, placing another kiss on her cheek as she turned away to the door. She waved Archie's offers of assistance away with her hand, and edged back through the door, leaving Emma a fleeting smile. Her presence was missed, and her breath became more haggard as soon as she was gone, as if she had been the one providing her with essential oxygen. 

'Do you want to sit back down again, Emma?' The doctor asked quietly, with a small smile Emma assumed was meant to be reassuring. She slid back into the couch slowly, still fiddling with her sleeves as she sensed Archie sitting back down in his chair.

'I want to help you,' he said after a minute. But you need to talk to me okay? He sighed when she said nothing. She was tired, both mentally and physically now, and couldn't wait to get home. 

'Why did you come to group therapy?' 

'Regina wanted me to,' she mumbled, her hands fumbling in her lap as she stared down at them awkwardly. 

'And why did Regina want you to come?'

'She was worried about me,' the blonde whispered.

'And why was that?' The doctor pressed. It felt like someone is nailing something into her head fiercely with a hammer. 

'I...can't,' she whispered, shaking her head. A tear leaked down her cheek as she did so. She wiped it say quickly with her hand as if it had never been there.

'It's okay. One step at a time. You're here, and that's a great start Emma but I want you to know that you can trust me. I can't help you if I don't know why you're here.'

Her hands were shaking and she gripped her hair fiercely, almost tugging it out at the roots. 

'Emma you're going to hurt yourself,' the doctor reasoned. She felt his cool hands remove her fingers from her head, and place them on her lap. 

'I drink sometimes,' she said quietly, once she knew Archie had sat back in his chair. 

'How often is sometimes?'

'Depends,' she said softly, 'I do it when I feel bad.'

'Do you think you could define for me what 'bad,' feels like?'

'How could I?' She looked up him, into his kind eyes. 'It's too complex for anyone to understand.'

'Maybe I can help with that, Emma. I don't think we ever truly understand ourselves, but I can help you try.'

'How?'

'First by talking, and the we can see where it goes from there.'

'You mean lock me in a cell as throw away the key,' she said quietly, burying her head in her hands once more. 

'Now why would you think that?'

'I'm crazy.'

'I'd rather you didn't use that term in my office, Emma.' 

'Sorry,' the blonde mumbled. She could hardly look at him. 

'But what makes you say it?'

'I...I just am, that's all. No question.'

'Do you want me to take you to a safe place? That can be arranged if you feel a threat to-'

'No!' The blonde shouted anxiously, 'No,' she repeated a little softer, ashamed at her outburst. 

'Is that what you're so afraid of? Being put in a clinic?' The doctor asked gently. 

Emma nodded slightly, as much as she could with her head in her hands. 

'Emma that is something therapists only use as a last resort. And it's nothing to be afraid of, it's a facility in place to help people just like you who need a bit of extra support.'

'I don't want to be locked away.'

'Most places don't even lock the doors of patients rooms, only in extreme circumstances. It's not as bad as some of the scare stories you read.' He paused, as if deliberating, but then continued, 'Why do you think you would be locked up, Emma?'

'Because of...' she gulped in a few breaths of air, feeling herself go lightheaded once more. 

'Why don't you feel like you can tell me?'

'I'm not good at talking about things,' she whispered. 'Never have been.' 

'Well hopefully in our next session, we can talk about this a little more okay?' Archie said with a smile. She heard him stand up out of his chair with a creak. Emma looked up at him, peeking through her hands. 

'You can fill in some paperwork now if you like, or the next time we meet. Monday right?' The doctor asked, and when she nodded, he turned to his desk, slipping his notes into a file and into a metal cabinet. 

He turned back to face her, a smile that Emma assumed was mean to be reassuring, but left her with a feeling of anxiety. She shook her head at the paperwork he held in his hand, and he merely nodded in understanding.

'Take care, Emma alright? And if you want to call me, have my number. Give it to Regina too.' He quickly scribbled it down on a piece of paper and handed it to her. She shoved it in her pocket quickly, giving Archie a weak smile. 

'Don't hesitate to call me whenever you need to.' 

Emma answered with a nod and walked as quickly as humanly possible to the door. As her hand touched the handle, she let out a shaky breath of air. 

She slipped out the door to where Regina was waiting. The brunette looked up and smiled at her as Emma walked out, and it was so bright and beautiful, she couldn't help but smile right back.


	51. Deafening thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina awoke to the surrounding darkness of the apartment. It wasn't yet light, but she could hear birds softly tweeting from beyond the curtains. It must be around dawn, she mused, confused to why she had awoken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I'm sorry it's been so long, I've just been so busy. I also found this chapter really hard to write, I'm not sure why. My exams are finally over, so that's a yay! I'm not sure how they went though oops. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I think I have a plan for the rest of this fic now, woo! Trigger warnings for mentions of rape. I would appreciate a comment/feedback.

Regina awoke to the surrounding darkness of the apartment. It wasn't yet light, but she could hear birds softly tweeting from beyond the curtains. It must be around dawn, she mused, confused to why she had awoken. A shuffle next to her in the bed turned her gaze. She could just make out Emma's figure in the hazy darkness. The blonde was whimpering quietly, her body twitching beside her in a frightening manner. She was having a nightmare. 

Regina quickly switched on the light beside the bed, letting a warm glow fall onto the bed and surrounding cream walls. The light illuminated the blondes features, etched in anxiety; her lips were trembling as another whimper escaped them. 

'Emma,' she whispered hoarsely, in attempt to rouse the blonde, but to no avail. 

'Emma,' she repeated a little louder, but Emma's cries only grew louder.

'Get off her,' Emma mumbled as her body continued to shake vigorously between the sheets.

Regina hesitated, but placed her hand lightly on Emma's arm, and stroked it slightly, up and down in attempt to soothe her. 

'Emma, it's only a nightmare, come back to me,' she whispered as she continued to stroke the blondes arm. Emma's whimpers grew quieter, but she still was no further out of the nightmare. 

'Emma!' She spoke, louder this time, causing the blonde to sit up straight suddenly, her breath still in pants as she looked around the room wildly. 

'It was just a nightmare,' Regina whispered, still stroking Emma's toned arm up and down slowly. The blondes green eyes looked into hers anxiously, and she leaned in to Regina, her head curled up in the crook of her neck.

'It wasn't just a nightmare...' the blonde mumbled once her breathing had slowed. 

Regina's body stiffened. She could imagine all too well what Emma's nightmare had been about, but she found herself asking anyway.  
'What was it about?'

Emma's breath hitched, but she snuggled closer by Regina's body, and began to talk in a frail whisper. 

'It was him...but the first time he did it to me, it was in an alley with all his stupid friends, well I don't know what they were. But this time, it wasn't just me, you were there too, and I tried to get them off you and they just-'

'Sssh, it's alright,' Regina whispered into Emma's tangled, but soft blonde hair. 'I'm here, we are safe now.'

She felt Emma nod her head, as she sniffled, her head still nuzzled right up to Regina. She understood Emma's fear, she too had had nightmares of the same ilk with...him featured prominently. But she knew she needed to soothe the blonde in any way possible.

'We're safe now, he's been arrested, it's all just fine' she continued to whisper softly, soothingly, as she made calming circle patterns on the small of the blonde's back. 

'Do you get these nightmares a lot?' Regina asked after Emma seemed to have calmed down a little. 

'I used to get them...just with me, before I met you. For a while they were just him and you...but it seems my brain just finds new ways to taunt me,' Emma replied with strangled breath.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'It's nothing, not even worth bringing up,' the blonde argued, but with Regina's persistent gaze, her eyebrows slightly raised in frustrated questioning, the blonde sighed heavily in defeat, her rib cage juddering out.

'You should talk to Archie about it,' Regina said softly, her hand now stroking Emma's tousled locks. They didn't just soothe Emma, they soothed her own mind.

'I know,' Emma mumbled, but she didn't sound entirely convinced. 

'I'm so glad you went yesterday. That was a big step Em, and we'll get through this, just you watch.'

'I couldn't talk to him though. I ended up throwing up in his bin, and telling him to fuck off.'

Regina tried to suppress a chuckle, but it escaped her even so. 'Well, you went and I am so glad of that.'

'Well I'm glad you went too,' Emma whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to where her head rested in the crook of her neck. 

'I just want this over with,' the brunette replied as he hand snaked around Emma's own, drawing it to her chest. 

'It will be soon enough.'

'I think we both know it's not that easy,' Regina replied, her fingers delicately running over the bone of Emma's knuckle as she mused. 

'Mmm.'

'At Least I have you, my little piece of perfect,' Regina whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Emma's temple.

'I'm the furthest from perfect,' Emma replied, leaning further into Regina. 

'You've been through a lot, but that doesn't make you any less perfect to me.'

'Mhmm are you sure? Because I can see someone in front of me who looks pretty perfect ,' Emma answered with a hint of a grin.

'Oh really? Who's that then?' Regina asked jokingly as Emma turned to face her, and answered with a passionate kiss on the brunettes lips. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This time she had used the wheelchair, simply because of Emma's pleading. She had even let the blonde wheel her into Dr Hoppers office; she planted a swift kiss on the blonde's cheek before she exited, leaving her and Dr Hopper in the room alone.

'Come in Regina, how have you been?' Archie asked with a smile as he helped her out of her wheelchair and onto the sofa, so she was half lying, half sitting up. It was more comfortable than last time, but she still didn't want to commit to lying down fully. 

'I've been fine,' Regina replied automatically. 'I mean...it's been hard of course. Emma had a nightmare early this morning, and it's sort of stuck with me, not that I would tell her that. She worries enough,' she added hesitantly, but feeling the need to confess to him today. These feelings had been weighing her down for too long. 

'May I ask what the nightmare was about?'

'She...was forced to watch me being...abused,' she finally added after deliberating, 'by David.' 

'And it's reminded you of certain events, I assume?'

She nodded, her mind racing to images she so desperately wanted to forget. 

'I...something like this actually happened,' she added before Dr Hopper could ask anything else. 

'So Emma's dream was somewhat a memory?'

'Yes,' Regina replied softly. 'It was my fault. She had come over because I thought I was...pregnant.'

'David had tried to impregnate you?'

'I don't think it was intentional, he just never bothered with condoms...or anything like that.'

'And were you?' He asked, 'Pregnant?'

'No, I wasn't, but Emma stayed uh, for a while after the test, and he h-e came over whilst she was here. I told her to stay in the bathroom but she wouldn't listen,' Regina replied, not just her hands, but her voice was beginning to shake as she recounted her tale; she felt a cluster of tears slide down her cheek. 'He...he made us undress each other and...then he made her watch him have his way with me.'

She could hardly look at the Doctor's face; it was masked with shock and disgust, his attempts at neutrality clearly failing. 

'I'm sorry,' she answered as she let out a strangled sob, clutching her hands together tightly in an attempt to ground herself.

'None of this is your fault, Regina,' the Doctor spoke suddenly. 

'It is!' She cried, 'If I hadn't of asked Emma to come over...she never would have been put in that position. It's just a painful reminder of what he did to her before.'

'What do you mean by that?' Archie asked quietly, his pen resting on his scribbled pad.

'I...that's Emma's story I shouldn't have said that,' she answered as she realised her mistake. Would Emma be angry? She would be angry. Oh god.

'It's alright Regina, just take a breath okay?' Archie said calmly, as she felt her heart beating more erratically. She sighed with relief as his words helped her regain composure. 

'I want you to understand that none of this is your fault. You did not cause any of this, it is purely Mr Nolan's fault. You are just a victim, Regina.'

'I don't want to be a victim, I want to be a survivor, but I'm not. I'm not strong enough.'

'I think you are very much a survivor Regina, you're here, and that is only one example of your strength. You're revealing your very deepest secrets to me, and that shows you are truly an amazingly strong woman.'

'I'm not sure about that,' she almost chuckled, but it was replaced with a sob as she felt her chest tightening once more.

'Do you want to move into something else?' He asked, and Regina nodded gratefully in response. 

'How do you feel about going to court next week?' The doctor asked. Regina sighed, it wasn't really any lighter a topic.

'I'm not really looking forward to it,' she started with a sigh. 'It's Apple so there's bound to be a lot of press, and that's a lot of people knowing what happened to me, that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with.'

'You know I will be asked to give a statement, well that's what I've been informed. Would you allow me to share my personal findings?'

'I don't really have a choice if I want him prosecuted,' she said with a sigh, resting her elbows on her knees as she shifted positions.

'You seem reluctant. May I ask why you want him prosecuted?'

'Isn't it obvious? Because of everything he's put me and Emma through. I don't want him doing that to anyone else, ever again.'

'That's understandable. But if you remember what you said last session, you said you wanted to hate him, as if you didn't quite. Have you thought any more about what you might've meant by that?'

'I don't know. I do hate him, yet I know there must be somethings wrong with him if he ever thought that...rape was okay. But he didn't just do that to me, it was so much more,' she replied, burying her head in her hands, the darkness a welcome cool from the exposed truth that floated in the air around them.

'What did he do to you, Regina?' Archie asked softly, his voice barely a whisper. 

'He shamed me so deeply and I don't think I'll ever get past that. I mean...he abused me countless times.'

'If you don't mind me asking, how many times would you say?'

'He abused me nearly every day, for probably about 2 months,' she said softly, her mind only mind flicking to memories that played on a constant loop, never wavering. 'But...rape, I'm not sure, I always felt so...violated, I've tried to block it out. Maybe 10 I don't know,' she whispered, her hands shaking at the ferocity of her words, and the truth she was carving out of her very soul. She was wide open, exposed; she was unlocking every door with forbidden keys.

'And he was unable to get you pregnant all those times?'

'I...no, I was pregnant before the last time. I didn't realise, it was too early on to say, but when he stabbed me...it hit my placenta, and the baby, so I lost it, and my ability to carry due to his...methods,' she answered, clutching at her stomach, as if it would provide some answer to the questions whirring around in he head that never would receive answers.

'I'm sorry for your loss, Regina.' 

'It's fine. I never really knew I was pregnant, so I couldn't get too attached...I mean...I could but anyway it doesn't matter.'

'Everything matters if it's how you feel. I'm here to help you cope with anything that's on your mind.'

'I know...thank you,' Regina replied, smiling softly at the doctor; his face was so patient, so kind, such a contrast from David it almost ached. Emma too. Her kindness, her warmth, her bright, gleaming green eyes projected everything that David wasn't, and everything he would never be. 

'Why do you think you are so forgiving?' The doctor asked suddenly, his pen resting lightly on his paper.

'I...I'm not sure I even realized I was.' 

'Looking back into your childhood, is there anything there that affected you?'

'Perhaps...my mother,' she replies after a moment in thought. Her cruelty seemed so small now, so easily breakable, nothing like what had been done to her now.

'What about your mother? Did you have a good relationship?'

'Not particularly. She was...controlling. She wanted me to be someone I wasn't.'

'And how do you believe this made you forgiving?'

'My mother was, let's just say, not a patient woman. She sometimes exploited me as a child, punished me for my wrongdoings, but acted as if it was for my own good,' she answered, dredging up the past.

'Was she physically abusive?' The doctor asked, the question obviously on his lips for the last minute.

'Only once,' she gestured to the scar on her lip, 'but I think the love for my mother made me forgive her for everything she did, and despite that I know what she did was wrong now, I like to take that forgiveness, and use it to give people second chances. My, I'm sure I've had my fair share of chances.'

'It's only natural that you would want to forgive your mother, despite her wrongdoings, but David?'

'I don't even know if I'm ready to forgive him, or if I ever will. I just know that if I hold all this anger inside of me forever, I won't be able to move on with Emma.'

'Wise beyond your years Miss Mills,' the doctor said with a kind smile, but she saw an unwavering sadness in his eyes, a sadness she saw in Emma's every day, and she could only help but wonder if it was present in her own eyes. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma was fairly quiet on the way back home, but she still gave her occasional smiles when their eyes met. She allowed Emma to manoeuvre her into her wheelchair as they exited the car, simply because her wound was throbbing and she was too tired to argue with her on the matter. 

The next thing she noticed was being wheeled into Emma's apartment. She blinked her eyes open, realising she must have dozed off for a moment on the stairs. She hadn't realized how sleepy she really was, but now that she realized, she noticed that she felt nauseatingly tired to her bones. 

The phone was ringing angrily already as they came inside, and Emma rushed to grab it before it was too late.

'Hello?' Emma answered, her face scrunching up as she listened to the voice on the other side. 

'It's for you,' she said anxiously, handing over the phone to Regina with shaking hands, her bright green eyes flashed with anxiety.

'Hello?' Regina asked, listening intently into the crackle of the receiver.

'Hello, is this Regina Mills speaking?'

'Yes, it is,' Regina answered, her heart racing. 'Can I ask who's speaking please?' 

'I am a representative of Boston courthouse, wherein the trial of Mr David Nolan will be taking place. I am here to inform you that the trial will be taking place sooner than earlier imagined. Court will adjourn on Monday 6th, at 9am sharp.'

'Monday?' Regina squeaked out. So soon?'

'Yes, m'aam, for the judge's convenience, and as you know, due to the severity of this case, your company wants it dealt with as soon as possible. When you are next readily available, you will be required to come to police station to give a full report of the charges. If necessary this information will be relayed to the jury. Is that understood m'aam?'

'Yes, yes of course.' 

'You will be receiving a call from us very soon. Has your lawyer been notified of these events?'

'Yes, yes I have briefly gone over the guidelines.'

'Then I suggest that you bring them to the police inquiry in order for us to make this case as quick and as painless for you as possible m'aam.'

'I understand, yes thank you for informing me.'

'Thank you,' Regina replied weakly as the conversation came to an end, and she handed the phone back to Emma who shut it down on the charge.

'You okay?' Emma asked hesitantly, walking over to where Regina was in her wheelchair. 

'Fine,' Regina replied, waving off Emma. 'I'm fine.' Her head was throbbing painfully as thoughts buzzed like wasps around her head, stinging painfully. She needed to sleep. To forget.

'How was your session?' The blonde asked, her face looking perplexed, but Regina felt her chest tightening with anxiety as she felt herself becoming overwhelmed.

'I'd rather not talk about it,' Regina replied quickly, 'Could you help me into bed?'

'Of course, Emma replied, sounding mildly hurt. But Regina was too tired for anything other than Emma's brown bedsheets. She sighed in relief as she slipped between the duvet, the sheets cool and welcoming. 

'Do you need anything, or?'

'I'm fine, thank you, Emma.'

'Yeah you said that,' the blonde replied, not sounding entirely convinced. Emma sat, perched on a stool at the kitchen island, staring at Regina's position in the bed, wearing an expression the brunette didn't think she'd seen before.

She couldn't say it. She had betrayed Emma's trust today at the session. She felt as though she might topple over with the weight of her thoughts, her anxiety making them buzz around with a great speed and weight.

'Regina, are you going to tell me what's wrong?' Emma asked with worry in her voice.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered, turning away from the blonde who's face was mixed with anxiety and frustration. 

'What for Regina? Whatever it is, you can tell me,' she replied, and Regina felt her sit beside her on the bed, her hand lightly resting next to her own, but her fingertip gently touching her own.

'I accidentally said something to Archie about you, I didn't mean to I swear..' She blurted with a quiet sob, avoiding Emma's eyes. 

'What did you say?' Emma asked. Her voice sounded painfully strained.

'I mentioned that you've been having nightmares from that thing that happened at my apartment, and then that thing from your past. It just came out...and I think he may have put two and two together about David,' she whispered, taking a peek at the blonde's face.

Emma stayed silent as Regina regarded her from the corner of her eye; her face was a pale white, her features scrunched up, and Regina wasn't sure whether she was about to cry or scream.

'Emma...'

'I'm going to take a walk,' the blonde said, her voice sounding almost hollow as stood up abruptly, and grasped her jacket she had planted on the counter just a few moments ago. 

'Please don't,' Regina rasped, her heart thudding so loudly in her chest, she was convinced the whole apartment block could hear it's frantic beats. 

'I'll only be 45 minutes tops, I'll pick up food on the way back,' Emma replied with resolve, barely looking at the brunette as she picked up a set of keys from beside the door.

'Emma,' the brunette croaked as Emma's hand grasped the door handle. 

'45 minutes. Give me that, Regina please?' Emma asked her, but it was more rhetorical as she didn't wait for a reply, simply slamming the door, leaving Regina collapsed in an all too empty silence. 

The clocks once homely tick became sinister, as Regina watched the long black hand work it's way around the face so slowly, so sluggishly, it was if it was barely moving. 

A sob escaped her lips. Emma had left her, again. But she was coming back, right? She had said 45 minutes, the brunette persuaded herself. When the clock reached 6pm Emma would be home, and everything would be fine. But everything wan ant fine. It was so far from fine. 

Regina snuggled further into the duvet, clinging it's familiar cotton in attempts to comfort herself, but still her eyes flicked anxiously to the clock. She felt her whole chest tighten with worry. What was she worried about? David? She felt he was at the root of her anxiety, but he was in prison, she whispered frantically to herself, he was in prison. They were safe. But it seemed her whole body felt otherwise as she felt herself go tense at every sudden noise in the deafening silence that made her head throb even more painfully.

Only 20 minutes had gone by of her checking the clock. Emma shouldn't be back by now, but still her eyes lingered to the door, hoping to see her return in any moment. Her hands were wrung up, clutching the duvet as she felt warm tears slip down her pink cheeks. 

30 minutes.

45 minutes.

1 hour.

Emma had now been gone over an hour and a half. Regina lay sobbing as she clutched a sweater of the blonde's, desperately inhaling the scent that was so familiar, so soothing, so sensual...so Emma.

Her eyes glanced to the phone, craving to hear a ring, a beep, anything that could suggest Emma, but as she looked, her eyes lingered on a piece of white paper, a number scrawled out, engraved in promise.

She scrambled out of bed, lifting the number closer to her face, and typing it out into the phone. It rang three times.

'Hello?' The doctor answered.

'It's R-Regina here.'

'Hi Regina, what can I do for you?' 

'Emma went out she said she would be back 45 minutes ago and she's not, and I just know something bad has happened. He's got her, I mean I know he's in prison but he's got her and oh god-'

'Regina I need you to take a deep breath. Did she say where she was going?' The doctor cut in, his voice neutral and calming.

'She said she was going on a walk, and then that she would pick up some dinner on the way back. I think I upset her. This is all my fault,' the brunette sobbed into the receiver.

'Okay. Well the likelihood is, she just lost track of time. Have you tried calling?'

'She left her phone at home, she forgot it.'

'Alright, well I'm sure she'll come back really soon, maybe she was delayed somehow.'

'What if he has her?'

'He can't possibly have her Regina, he's in prison. Just keep reminding yourself that. I'm sure she's absolutely fine, she probably just needed a moment to herself.'

'Okay...okay...' 

'Keep taking deep breaths. You know it's not a rational fear, Regina.'

'I know...but what if something has happened?' She asked, her mind racing more frantically than ever before.

'I'm sure nothing has happened Regina, I'm sure Emma is absolutely fine.'

'I can't...c-an't-'

'Okay take a deep breath with me. Breathe in, breathe out.' 

She followed, but the deep breaths only caused a sharp pain from her stomach wound.

'It hurts,' she cried out with a deep sob.

'What hurts?'

'Everything.'

'Is it your wound?' The doctor asked.

'I don't know,' she sobbed, 'partly I think.'

'Have you got any medication you should take?' 

'I don't think I can take it without Emma, she helps.'

'Just keep taking deep breaths,' the doctor reiterated. 'Calming breaths.'

Her head was throbbing, her thoughts racing, her wrist screaming painfully, her joints aching, and her chest tightening with anxiety as she lay in a crumpled heap on the floor by the bed, listening to Dr Hopper's voice for what seemed like several hours until even he rang off in the early hours of the morning. 

She didn't even hear the click of the door through her tears, but she felt it when warm arms wrapped around her waist and lifted her into bed, still with tears streaming down her face. Her eyes opened to reveal a flash of blonde hair and green eyes. Emma was home. 

''Mma?' She mumbled through the tears, not quite believing she was really here.

'I'm here, I'm here, it's alright,' Emma whispered, her voice gravelly but so familiar it made her feel safe. Emma's thumb wiped away at the tears sliding down her present tear tracks, and she planted a kiss softly on her cheek. 

'I'm sorry,' Emma whispered, but Regina barely heard her. She saw black spots appearing in her vision as her panic attack reached its climax, helping her slip into the dark calming depths of sleep, kept company by a huge pair of emerald green eyes.


	52. Beating hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her finger lightly grazed Regina's pale cheek, still flushed with tears from the stream that Emma could only assume had poured as she herself had wandered the dark streets alone. Her breath was still mingled with the drink she had consumed in her absence; her vision wavered round the edges, but she had sobered up enough to be able to have a conversation, but Regina didn't seem to be fit for that, or at least didn't want to right this second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys...  
> Okay so it's been over a month and I know that's shitty behaviour on my part but I swear I've been writing this chapter for weeks I just found it really hard to do. I've not been feeling great, depression is playing up somewhat but I'll get through it. Hope you all are well. This chapter contains trigger warnings for anxiety attacks and very brief mentions of self harm scars. Sorry about the angst. I'll try and calm it down eventually.

Her finger lightly grazed Regina's pale cheek, still flushed with tears from the stream that Emma could only assume had poured as she herself had wandered the dark streets alone. Her breath was still mingled with the drink she had consumed in her absence; her vision wavered round the edges, but she had sobered up enough to be able to have a conversation, but Regina didn't seem to be fit for that, or at least didn't want to right this second.

The room was a dark, dingy black that shrouded her very being. The only light that shone was the light from the beside that glinted off Regina's deep brown eyes, and the tear tracks that now etched her pink splotched skin. They had just flickered open from a brief, but restless slumber. Emma herself had been unable to sleep at all.

'I'm sorry,' escaped her lips in a whisper as she curled up next to Regina's curled up body on the bed. Her own limbs echoed her shape as she cradled what was left of her. 

'I thought...I thought you were never coming back,' Regina replied, her voice a quiet sob. 

'I was always coming back,' she replied, her arms wrapping around the brunettes body, surrounding her with her bodily warmth.

'I thought he had you.' 

'Who? David? You know he's locked up Gina. He can't hurt either of us any more. And next week,' Emma replied with a gulp, 'He's going to be locked away forever.' 

'I know, it's irrational but I... I just thought...'

'Ssh honey it's okay, I'm here now,' Emma tried to soothe. But that wasn't going to be enough, she'd left too many times and she knew it.

'If you're just going to leave again, then just go. I don't want to go though this again so you may as well,' she answered, her voice hardening slightly, but still with a wobble that showed she was trying to stop the tears from falling.

'I just needed some time...' Emma replied softly, the harsh tone in Regina's voice slicing through the thick air like a paper cut struck a chord in her heart that twanged painfully like a mournful note of a guitar.

Regina shifted under her gentle grip, and turned to face her, her body still hunched in a protective ball. 

'I'm sorry,' she whispered as a tear slipped from her doleful brown eyes. 'I didn't mean to betray your trust like that, it just sort of slipped out and I-'

'Ssh,' Emma mumbled, pressing her finger lightly to the brunettes lips in order to prevent her from saying another word. 'I get it. And you did the right thing,' she said with an exasperated sigh. 'You're meant to talk to Dr Hopper about your concerns, fears and anything you're feeling.'

'But it was about you...I shouldn't have said anything.'

'I'm a part of you're life, we're so intertwined now, whether we like it or not, so it was bound to come up at some point.'

'But you're still upset,' Regina replied, her voice still cracking with the fragility of an almost abandonment.

'Not anymore,' the blonde replied firmly. 'I want you to get help and not to leave anything out that might stop that.' She paused, her hand lingering on her cheek to wipe away a single tear. 'I'm sorry I left. I wasn't thinking. It won't happen again.'

'You said that last time.'

'But this time I mean it, okay? When we said we were going to do this together, I certainly meant it. Okay?' She asked, suddenly anxious that Regina wouldn't affirm her own mind. But to her relief, she nodded her head, shaking the slight tufts of brown hair that had begun to regrow. 

Emma lifted her hand to Regina's head, stroking gently at a short but silky tuft of familiar deep brown hair. 

'It's growing back,' she murmured, snuggling closer to Regina in the dark chill of the night.

'Not quick enough. It's not enough to style yet in the slightest,' the brunette replied exasperatedly, but with a resigned sigh, slumped into Emma's body. Emma felt her warmth soak into her chilled bones, and soothe her as she stroked the regrowing locks. 

'Have you been drinking?' She heard Regina ask softly after a few minutes in the silent dark. Her voice was calm and quiet, but the air was a thick, menacingly empty silence as she held her breath in wait at Emma's response. The blonde paused with anxiety, unwilling to reveal the truth, yet also unwilling to lie. 

'I...only a little,' Emma replied after a moment. There was no noise except the sound of her own heartbeat as Regina registered her response. The blonde knew it wasn't the answer she had wanted to hear, but it had been expected, she could tell that at least. 

'Did you cut?' She asked after an agonising silence, her voice laced with silent worry that felt like a poison ready and waiting to be injected into Emma's veins.

'No, I didn't. I...wouldn't..,' she stuttered, slightly stung. 

'Don't tell me you haven't been thinking about it.'

'I really don't want to talk about this right now,' Emma responded with a raised voice. If Regina's still body suggested anything to her, was that she was still angry, and that they weren't planning to end this night without a fight, whether about her absence of not. 

'Have you?'

'What?'

'Been cutting?'

'No! Of course I haven't Regina,' Emma replied almost angrily, her voice raised higher than a normal level.

'I just know how hard this has been on you, and I don't want you not taking care of yourself and-'

'Stop right there. I'm fine,' Emma cut in. 'I'm fine, see?' She lifted Regina's head to meet her own eyes. Regina's brown eyes were anxious and searching her own, boring into her green depths.

'Okay,' she whispered after a moment, and flopped back down to the bed, her body now facing towards the light, away from Emma. 

The blonde sat, unsure in the silence until Regina span back round to face her. 

'How is this even working? How are we even existing?' Regina snapped, her voice raised even at the ungodly hour at which they were conversing. 

'What do you mean?' Emma asked, her voice a little softer. She regarded Regina's face with worry.

'I mean we've both been through so much and I...I...' The brunettes words were interrupted by a sob and a trembling lip; a shower of tears erupted from her eyes as she clung to Emma's body tightly. She felt Regina's fingers press into her back, and she held her tighter, and soothed her as she slumped into her chest. 

'I was so afraid,' she whispered into Emma's tangled blonde tresses, and Emma's heart throbbed painfully as she realised what a state Regina had been in whilst she was away.

'I'm so sorry Regina,' she replied, 'it won't happen again I promise. I won't leave again.'

'You don't have to promise me that,' Regina said. 'But we're together and that means something. You're my...girlfriend. And that means sticking around.'

'Girlfriend?' Emma inquired, a smile on her lips at Regina's term for her.

'Yeah...is that okay?' 

'I like the sound of being your girlfriend,' Emma replied, pressing a kiss to Regina's cheek fondly.

'Well good because girlfriends aren't just for Christmas, they're forever,' she teased lightly, the majority of her anger dissipated at their friendly banter. 

'Lets get some sleep hmm, it's been a long night,' Emma mused after a moment. She shrugged out of her jacket, dumping it to the floor as she snuggled under the duvet into Regina's small, but warm and loving arms. 

'How are you feeling about therapy?' Regina asked. Emma felt her warm breath on her cheek as their bodies lay entwined on the bed.

'I don't know,' she replied, a twisting fear in her stomach knotting at the very mention.

'It's helping I think,' the brunette whispered. 'It more hurts at first, but then it doesn't hurt as much later. It somehow seems as if it's meaning has flown off into the air.'

'How poetic,' Emma jested, receiving a gentle punch from Regina. 

'I mean it Swan. Just go alright. I'll be in the car every time. Then we can get a takeout and watch a movie, okay?'

'Okay,' the blonde replied after a moment, and nuzzled her head into Regina's chin. Her lips traced her collarbone lightly, and planted a soft kiss, lingering only to savour her soft, cinnamon scented skin. Her teeth nipped at the sensitive skin of her neck gently, moving towards her jaw.

'Bed,' Regina mumbled through a quiet moan of pleasure as Emma traced her jaw lightly with her tongue. Emma allowed her fingers to trail around her shoulders, but keeping them very much at Regina's upper body, and avoiding her breasts entirely.

'Where's the fun in that?' She murmured between a breathy kiss, her finger exploring the gentle sloping hollows of her cheeks. 

'Touch me,' Regina said so quietly Emma barely heard it. She looked up into Regina's dark eyes. 

'I said touch me,' she repeated, and Emma could see the deep arousal in her eyes. She lifted her hands off her quickly, watching as a flash of hurt appeared etched into her features. 

'Please Emma, don't stop.'

'Gina...'

'I can feel it...I want you...' She replied huskily, taking Emma's face with her hands and kissing the blonde back deeply. It was so intensely passionate, Emma had to force herself away with an inner strength she didn't know she possessed.

'You're right, we should go to bed, goodnight,' Emma said quietly, snuggling back down under the duvet, guilt gnawing at her chest. Regina wasn't ready despite how much she wanted to be. She couldn't be. Emma had learnt that from experience. She had tried to have functioning, intimate relationships after her experience, but each time, it had ended in disaster. 

'Goodnight,' echoed sadly from beside her. The light flicked off, and she felt Regina's weight beside her in the bed. Regina's hands lightly gripped Emma's own, and despite the darkness, she knew her expression perfectly. 

Emma responded with a squeeze, and a gentle kiss to Regina's perfect nose as they both snuggled down to bed in a companionable silence. 

Emma lay awake until the early hours of the morning, tracing each scar that covered her arms in patchwork with her finger in attempt to work up the courage to reveal the inevitable secret she had worked so hard to cover up for many years. She had hid it from her work colleagues, not that they mattered. She had been fired from work last week, uncaring for her circumstances. 

The woman she saw stirring in the bed beside her, her rosy cheeks, her pale face etched with sadness, deserved much better than someone like her.

The ride to therapy that morning was a quiet, sombre silence. When she pressed a gentle kiss to Regina's cheek, the brunette gave her a warm encouraging smile and squeezed her hand softly. Leaving the car, she felt as though she had left a place of safety into one where danger lurked at every corner. After giving her name at reception, she sat in the same place she had sat on Monday, her hands jerking restlessly in her lap as she waited to be called in. 

She held the red leather jacket of Kathryn's close to her body; she had become rather fond of it, and as she had made no contact with Katherine since the night at the hospital, she assumed she didn't want it back.

She heard Archie's familiar voice call out her name in that calm, very real but foreboding manner. She jerked her head to meet his eyes, and he gestured to her to enter his office. She wasn't quite sure how, but her legs moved of their own accord, and she found herself once more, standing in the small office that Dr Hopper used.

'Good morning, Emma,' he said in his friendly manner. He held up some paperwork and placed it deliberately on the centre of his desk. She took the hint and sat down opposite him, grasped a pen and began to fill out the necessary medical forms for insurance. He made no sound as she filled them out slowly, one by one, and only moved when she had completed them; he slid them back into a file with her name, and placed it under his desk in a draw. The silence was more than a little unnerving.

'Right, well, I'd suggest we relocate,' he said with a steady smile, and ushered her over to the couch at the other end of the room. 

'Feel free to lie down right there for me,' he said after a minute of her hovering silence. She sat down cautiously, sliding her body into what was a more horizontal position on the slippery leather. Her hands sweated as she fumbled with her fingers, waiting for him to prod her with his questioning.

'How have you been?' He asked calmly, his pen already scribbling down on his page. 

'Fine,' she whispered, her voice gravelly, her heart pounding frantically. 

'You feeling any more ready to talk to me yet?'

She attempted to speak, but the words got stuck in her throat, so she simply shook her head, her eyes firmly planted on her hands in her lap. 

'What is it going to take for me to make you feel comfortable?'

'It's not something I'll ever feel comfortable talking about,' she murmured, averting the therapists eyes.

'That's okay, it's never hard talking about our inner most feelings,' the doctor answered, 'But this is a safe place, and one that I hope you will feel comfortable talking in soon. I'm here to help.'

'I know.'

The words she knew she had to say were attempting to force their way out of her mouth, but her lips and teeth had other thoughts, barring them from slipping away into the air.

'Regina mentioned something to me in her last session, did you two talk about that?'

Her chest constricted in anxiety, but she nodded her head, allowing the doctor to continue. 

'She said what David did to you, reminded you of something that happened in the past. You want to tell me what happened?' 

Memories swirled aggressively round in her head, a thick black smoke shrouding them malignantly. 

'He...I...it was nothing. Nothing happened, really,' she concealed, but she knew even she, an expert at lying, hadn't done a very convincing job.

'What happened Emma?' She questioned her once more. She felt his words dig at her like a knife, and for once, the band of her patience snapped like broken elastic with a snap and a twang. The blanched white calm atmosphere was shattered like glass.

'I was raped alright!' She shouted, standing up from the couch in order to come off aggressively. 'I was followed and they raped me. He raped me. And he did the same to Regina and it's all my fucking fault okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?!'

The silence following her outburst was deafening as she collapsed back down to the couch, her whole body trembling. The words had succeeded. 

'What makes you think it was your fault?' He asked calmly, his eyes betraying no emotion other than absolute neutrality she saw when she looked up cautiously between her lashes.

'What? Of course it's my fault!' Emma replied incredulously. She was sick of all the fucking calmness. 

'Why?' He pressed in once more.

'If I had reported them, gone to the police, he would've been locked up, and he wouldn't have hurt Regina. She could've had a normal life without a fucked up weirdo like me,' she crumbled, her hands shaking and the tears spilling from her eyes slipped through the gaps where her hands now covered them. 

'None of this is your fault Emma,' the doctor said after he'd written down what Emma assumed to be notes on her traumatic past. 'And you are not a fucked up weirdo as you choose to put it,' he added. It was so comical hearing him say that Emma found it hard not to giggle, and one erupted from her lips along with another sprinkle of tears and a gulp. She felt the repercussions of her words shake her entire body as she realised what she had revealed.

'Take a few deep breaths, Emma. Everything is going to be just fine,' the doctor said in his calm gravelly voice, but the room suddenly seemed too small, and figures of men danced in the corners of her eyes as she located the exit. She grabbed the handle, pulling the door open with one swift move. 

'Emma!' The doctor called behind her. She felt his hand on her shoulder lightly ghosting, but she flinched it off as her vision grew darker with the pounding in her head and the increase in the beating of her heart. Her vision swam as she wandered out into the reception. Many random faces regarded her strangely, but she barely registered it. Everyone was an enemy. 

She blinked and she was at the car, her hand slipping off the handle due to sweating and shaking. Regina's anxious brown eyes were staring up at her, her lips were moving but she couldn't register what she was actually saying. When her attempts failed to get the door open, she slumped to the curb, her vision entirely filled with the nightmares of her past. She was never going to get past this. 

Gentle hands rubbed at her cheeks, shaking her face but she was unable to respond. The darkness swallowed her up, her mind disappearing into a hot scalding pit of black. 

Emma!' Came sluggishly through the darkness as she began to awake, pulling herself desperately away from the clutches of darkness and into the light.

'Emma,' was repeated again, a little clearer now. It was Regina. Why was Regina shouting her name?

She blinked into the light, her body jolting up suddenly, her heart accelerating. What was going in?

She saw the faces of both Regina and Doctor Hopper looking at her anxiously through her blurred vision.

She blinked and her vision cleared, leaving her panting on the couch, her whole body shaking for a reason she just couldn't recall.

'What happened?' She asked, her voice a mere scratched whisper as she tried to focus on Regina's face, now closer to her own.

'I think you fainted my love,' Regina said softly as she moved towards her, gently pushing her body back to lie down on the sofa. 'How are you feeling?'

'Okay,' she mumbled, suddenly aware of how intense the gazes were from Archie and Regina. They made her shift in her seat anxiously. She blinked, the darkness appearing in her vision flicked on her memory like a light. Archie. David. Rape. Her heart accelerated. 

'I think this is something we need to address Emma,' the doctor said into the empty air, slicing through the tension like a knife. 'See if we can control the extent of your panic attacks in order to make them less extreme.' 

This was all going wrong, so very wrong all too quickly. The oxygen felt as though it was being sucked out of the air as she rested a hand on the side of the couch to steady herself. She couldn't control her ragged breaths. This was too much, it was all just too much for her to handle. 

'Regina can we go home now?' She whispered pleadingly, forcing her own eyes to look directly into Regina's brown orbs. 

'Emma, I-'

'Please. I can't do this anymore can we just go home?' She looked into Regina's eyes, sending a message that only she could read. 

'Alright,' the brunette relented finally with a sigh, and helped Emma as much as she could into a standing position. 

Before they had reached the door, Archie called to Regina, but Emma couldn't stand to be trapped for any longer, and slid outside of the door into the reception once more. 

'Is everything alright since you called last night Regina?' She heard Archie ask from the other side of the door. She hardly heard Regina respond, but then Archies words caught all of her attention:

'Maybe it would benefit Emma to try a different therapist. Not all can be the right fit, and I don't seem to be getting anywhere so far, not that I won't try, but she seems averse to trying at all with me.'

'I think it's just therapy in general,' Regina answered him, 'but I will take that into consideration, thank you.' Emma heard their muffled goodbyes and felt Regina's hand on her shoulder, calm and comforting. 

'Lets go home,' she whispered, placing a gentle kiss on Emma's cheek.

~~~~~~~~~ 

They arrived back at the apartment in silence, both shuffling out of their coats and plonking the takeout bags on the table. The hot food should've smelt so inviting, but it made Emma feel slightly sickened as she sat on a stool by her counter.

'I have to go out in an hour or so to the police station,' Regina said once she realized Emma wasn't going to say anything. 

'Okay,' Emma whispered, opening a bag of food to smell the hot fresh Indian curry inside. Regina sat down beside her, and dug into a bag also. They sat in a tension filled silence for 15 minutes as they ate as much as they desired. 

She looked up at Regina through her blonde eyelashes, staring at Regina's hesitant face, concentrating hard on stirring her food slowly. She was wearing a black and white stripy turtleneck and comfy black slacks, but Emma's eyes weren't settled on her clothes, they analysed her nervous features. Anxiety rolled off her in waves, adding to the collective tension that had already built in the room. 

'Regina,' Emma said softly, and the brunette looked up, her delicate fingers not leaving her fork as she regarded Emma's face. 

Her eyes conveyed frustration, anxiety which also was etched on her features.

'Emma,' she answered, her voice controlled and steady, as if she was trying to stop herself from starting an argument. Emma's heart throbbed painfully, as she tried to select the words to make everything right.

'I...' Nothing came out.

She heard Regina's fork drop with a clatter and she almost jumped out of her skin. 

'I thought you were going to try Emma,' she said, her voice raised and so full of emotion it was incomprehensible. Her words stabbed her hard with a knife; she watched as the blood dropped down from her imaginary wound to the floor as she tried desperately to make things right. 

'I did try...I just...' All words failed to convey. She looked around desperately for something, anything to come to her aid, but all objects stared at her blankly, unmoving, unwilling to come to life. 

'Therapy isn't going to help you if you don't even stay for the whole session.' 

Regina's words cut deeper, only because some deep part of her knew she was right, that part just couldn't seem to surface. 

'I couldn't stay any longer in that room Regina trust me.'

'That's the thing Emma, I do trust you, but your demons are stopping you from recovering. They're stopping us from having a healthy relationship.'

'Hey, it's not just me with demons here,' Emma answered, sliding off the chair to the space between her bed to get some distance. She didn't even want to argue but the words were coming out of her so sharp and bitter and she couldn't stop herself. 

'I know that!' Regina shouted back, easing herself off the chair to stand next to Emma, but still grasping on for support. 'But I'm going to therapy, and I'm trying to deal with my demons. Why aren't you?'

'Don't you think that's what I'm doing every day?' Emma yelled, anger pulsating off her as she spoke. 'I'm trying to deal with this. Therapy wasn't helping, I just felt suffocated!'

'That's how it's meant to feel! You're not supposed to waltz in and waltz out cured. It's a hard process Emma! One that you said you would do for us!'

'Well I'm trying!' Emma yelled, her breath cutting short as she slumped to the floor, her back resting on the vertical counter. Sobs escaped her lips and her chest throbbed as she held her head in her hands. The tears were uncontrollable and the sobs wracked her chest painfully. She felt Regina's warm hand on her shoulder, and she leaned in to her chest, enveloped in a steady frame. 

'I can't do this anymore,' she whispered between the sobs that exploded violently from her chest. 

'We can get through this,' Regina whispered as she rocked Emma back and forth gently, stroking her head soothingly. 

'Take it away, take them away!' She half screamed. She felt hands groping at her from every direction and the darkness swallowing her whole. She could hear her heart banging in her chest so fast she thought it might explode and splinter her chest. She felt Regina's hands leave her body and her mumbled voice through the clouded haze that fogged her mind. 

Fingers. Thick, rough and steaming hot fingers. Burnt flesh. Black eyes. Black faces. His face. His voice. 

'Why won't it stop?' She called out into empty air. It was like she was in a nightmare but she wasn't asleep. 

She felt cool hands press lightly on her shoulder. It felt different to the other hands that were tightly clutching at her legs and stomach, it was light and calming. She focused on it, allowing herself to be pulled back into the light. The hands felt lighter and lighter as she clawed her way out of the darkness for the second time that day. Her head aches and screamed but she continued until she flicked her eyes open to reveal her own mundane apartment; she had been here all along. 

'Emma,' she heard Regina's quivering voice and she spun her head to the side. She saw Regina nervously chewing on her thumbnail with Doctor Hopper beside her, his face the same neutral that he always wore. 

She lifted her hand off the ground slightly, curling her fingers up with as much strength as she could muster, signalling to Regina with the last of her energy. The brunette walked over slowly, and nestled herself in the crook of Emma's neck. She felt Regina's warm breath on her neck and she smelt her familiar scent that instantly made her feel calmer. 

'I'm sorry I called Doctor Hopper,' she whispered quietly so only Emma could hear. 'I didn't know what to do you weren't responding to me,' she stuttered, but Emma silenced her with a weak smile.

She saw movement in the corner of her eye, and watched as Doctor Hopper walked over slowly, bending down to her level with a gentle smile. 

'Okay Emma. You alright?'

She nodded swiftly, as much as she could with an aching head. The dizziness threatened to overcome her , but she stood firm, and smiled as convincingly as she could in attempt to ease the doctors mind. 

'Alright, that's good,' he said with a smile in return. 

'How do you feel about getting medication for your anxiety? Is that something you would be interested in?' 

She looked to Regina's face that was pressed against her own. Her pinkened cheeks were wet with tears, and her eyes pleaded with her. She regarded her face, still marred with a thin scar on her cheek bone and her patchy brown hair and her big brown eyes that stared so anxiously into her own and she knew she had to give in.

'Sure,' she replied nonchalantly, her voice scratchy, as if she had merely agreed to watch a movie. 

'We can discuss it more at our next session if that would suit you, alright? And we can start a therapy plan that will also help you to understand and control your feelings.'

She nodded reluctantly, allowing her head to flop forwards to look at her black jeans and her hands in her lap. 

'If you need me at any time, just call me okay?' The doctor said as he straightened up, his hand stretched up to ruffle his ginger hair. 

'I'll leave you two to your evening,' he said with a polite smile. She watched as he walked to the door and closed it with a quiet thud. All she could hear was her own shallow breaths, and the unsaid words that hovered in the air. 

'I'm sorry,' Emma whispered, but it was Regina this time that shushed her with a soft kiss onto her own pale cheek. 

'Everything's going to be okay,' she whispered, snuggling back down to Emma's chest. Her heart beat was more regular now, and she felt almost hollowed out from all the tears that had poured from her eyes just that day. 

She didn't complain when Regina suggested they moved themselves to the comfort of the bed for a brief snuggle. She flopped under the sheets, feeling Regina's warm, loving hands tuck them around both of them, lingering on her own body in caring touches. She was trying to put her back together with love and she hoped to god it would work. She let Regina pull her closer, basking in the warmth that her body offered her aching bones. She pressed her own head to Regina's chest and listened to the soft thudding of her heart that repetitively beat from her chest. She was alive. They were alive. And she was going to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey- just had a thought. When the court scene comes up, which it will very imminently, would you like me to try and write it or to just skim over it? Please leave feedback and I'll do my best. Please leave a review!


	53. Sleep? Sleep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night's cold air welcomed her with chilling, bony hands as she stepped out onto the street; she wrapped her hands around her chest in effort to keep the small lingering warmth in her body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a while. Here's a chapter, short and sweet. I will continue writing this at every moment I can. I hope that's okay for you guys.
> 
> To anyone who actually still reads this fic, maybe leave a comment, let me know? It would be appreciated, thank you :)

The night's cold air welcomed her with chilling, bony hands as she stepped out onto the street; she wrapped her hands around her chest in effort to keep the small lingering warmth in her body. 

She was shaking. Her whole body trembling vigorously as she clutched the door with the last of her energy; tired and sweaty with the torture she had just been put through in there. 

'Miss Mills are you alright?' Her lawyer asked as she hoisted her up, her hand under her armpit, allowing her to rest against the buildings cold facade.

'I'm fine, thank you,' she shook her head as if to shake off the firm hand that held her up. The look on her lawyers face was warm but concerned, but she brushed it off, anxious to be home as soon as possible.

She looked around the darkness of the streets, searching for the familiar flash of bright yellow that instantly made her heart's frantic pounding lessen. When she spotted it, she saw Emma propped against the car in her battered jeans and navy sweater. She sensed a slight tension and apprehension on Emma's face as she stood awkwardly, hands in her pocket; her shoes scuffing at the grime of the sidewalk.

When she met her eyes however, Emma immediately rushed and wrapped her arms supportively around her waist. 

'Thank you,' she sighed out in quiet relief, allowing Emma to guide her to the door of the car. 

'No problem.' Emma replied, her voice familiar and instantly comforting in the darkened streets. She was already opening the door for her with a weak, but relieved smile. She accepted Emma's warm, rough hand as it lightly gripped her own arm, and guided her into the car seat.

'Thanks,' Regina repeated softly as she slumped into the comforting worn seat of Emma's car, the bug. Even the darkness of the night that threatened to creep and grasp the both of them in its claws, was blocked by the small protection that the car provided, simply because it was Emma's.

There was a slight uneasy silence in the air leftover from Emma's breakdown earlier that evening. Every so often she felt her gaze flit to her slumped figure in the car.

She was exhausted. Mentally and physically. She definitely didn't want another heated discussion, or argument for that matter, but there were things she needed to say that couldn't quite wait to escape off her lips. 

'I'm sorry,' she whispered, her eyes fixed on Emma's head, waiting for her eyes to flicker off from the road momentarily.

'What for?' She answered,her voice level and her eyes still glued to the road.

'For provoking you earlier. I'm sorry I was in a bad mood. I didn't mean to...I didn't mean...-'

'It's okay.'

'It's not okay, I should be supportive, not critical,' she said with a sigh. 

'No, you're right,' Emma replied, her voice slightly choking. Regina noted how her hands tightened on the steering wheel, her knuckles white. 

'I need help. And I have to...accept that.' 

'We're going to get through this, aren't we?' 

Emma made no sound, but smiled softly, the light of the moon revealing her insecurity. 

'Emma?'

'We will,' she said after a moment. 'If we both believe that, we have to.'

They both went quiet for the remaining few moments in the car. Each shadow unobscured by the street lights had the potential for pareidolia. 

The car pulled up outside Emma's apartment and she unclicked her seatbelt, gripping on to the door to help herself get out. 

She felt Emma gently push her into the wheelchair, and guide her to the house.

'I'm fine Emma, really,' she insisted.

'Let me do this,' she replied quietly, wheeling Regina into the lift, and eventually through the door to her apartment suite. 

She eased herself out of the chair, clutching the chair and slumped ungracefully onto the counter seat.

'You okay?' Emma asked softly, her hand lightly placed on Regina's shoulder in a comforting gesture. 

'Fine, thank you,' she whispered, leaning her head into the crook of Emma's neck as she leaned in for a gentle hug. Emma's natural scent was musky but was mingled with the faint smell of her floral shower gel.

'You sure?'

'Mhmm,' she said, not wanting to venture into the details of her official police statement. There had been too much of that already this evening. 

'So...the police thing was okay?'

'I don't really want to talk about..that,' she mumbled into Emma's tousled blonde hair.

'Okay,' she murmured in response, her lips pressed on her head lightly.

'Do you want to go to bed?' Regina asked.

'I don't really think I could sleep, not right now,' Emma responded with a sigh. Regina turned her face to stare into her anxious eyes,

'What is it?' 

'Just feeling a little off that's all.' She shrugged, removing her arms from where they rested around the warmth of Regina's torso. She walked round to the kitchen, and put the kettle on.

'Emma, talk to me,' she said, but it seemed to be to deaf ears as Emma continued to move slowly around the kitchen, filling two mugs with steaming hot water.

She placed a cup in front of Regina, staring into her eyes, her green eyes quivering with anxiety and restless thought. 

'Today was not a good day,' she said after a moment.

'No...' Regina deliberated, 'But-'

'No buts,' she interrupted. 'Today was not a good day. And for the next week or so, we'll have continuously bad days because of the trial and everything going on and it's a lot to deal with.'

'I know.'

'I just don't want to have anymore bad days, not like today,' she sighed, and crumpled into a chair. She almost shrunk inside herself, and Regina truly saw her exhausted skeletal frame partially concealed by her sweater. 

'Not like the day that I first self harmed,' she whispered softly, almost to herself. Regina this time, couldn't bring her lips to utter a single word. 

'Not like the day I...left you.'

Regina shuffled over, out of her chair and wrapped her arms around Emma's small frame. She pressed a soft kiss on her pale jaw, feeling when Emma leaned into her touch.

'There are going to be other bad days. It's inevitable. But you have me, and Archie and it's going to be okay.'

'Some part of my brain knows that, I just can't seem to focus on it.'

'Just for today, let's be okay?' Her green eyes bored into Regina's with restless hope and such sadness the brunettes eyes filled with tears.

'Okay,' she whispered with a fragmented smile, and clung onto Emma's jumper, allowing herself to bask in the comfort Emma's contact gave her.

'Bed?'

Bed,' Regina affirmed, hobbling alongside Emma where they collapsed in a tired heap on the tangle of blankets.

If Regina listened hard enough, she could hear the beating of Emma's heart as she placed her head on the blonde's chest. It was a little fast, but strong despite everything they'd been through. 

'I love you Emma Swan.'

'Love you too Regina Mills,' Emma replied, kissing her softly on the lips. Such love was injected into the simple kiss, when her lips were removed, Regina felt the ghost of it on her lips as she traced a finger over her skin. 

'Don't know what I'd do without you.'

'Be happy?' Emma half snorted, but there was a serious undertone to her joking. 

'You make me happy.'

'You sure because all I seem to do is screw up things for us?'

'Emma Swan so help me, don't say another word,-'

'But-'

She silenced her by kissing her deeply, her hands delving into her silky blonde hair as they lay sprawled out on the bed. Emma responded, kissing her back equally passionately. They were completely in the moment; all Regina was thinking of was the softness of Emma's lips and hair, and the way she just felt so god damn good to touch.

Emma was the one who eventually pulled away from their magic moment, a hesitant grin playing on her features. 

'That was...'

'Nice?' Regina asked cheekily, placing another gentle kiss on Emma's nose.

'Mmm, extremely,' she replied, nuzzling her head into Regina's chest.

'Sleep?' She mumbled after a moment, and Regina could hardly disagree. She was amazingly comfortable in Emma's arms, she didn't doubt she would fall asleep almost immediately.

'Sleep,' she affirmed, and they both snuggled down together under the duvet, hands lingering on each other's as they refueled to take on another day. 

She peeked open her eyes when she felt Emma's body go limp only a few moments later. Her features were more peaceful in sleep and her beauty shone out even in the dusky light of the late evening. 

With a contented smile, she shut off the light, concealing them in a comforting darkness.


	54. Now or Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was that brief moment of confusion, in which her numbed blissful state remained. It was a mere blink of an eye later that she felt a heavy weight settle on her chest, and her heart accelerate at a sickening rate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hello...   
> It's been awhile. I've been writing this chapter for months, and it's finally done. I really need to get in gear, and finish this fic for you all. I haven't given up just yet. I really hope you enjoy the update, and please leave a review/comment!

There was that brief moment of confusion, in which her numbed blissful state remained. It was a mere blink of an eye later that she felt a heavy weight settle on her chest, and her heart accelerate at a sickening rate. 

It was the first day of the trial.

Regina's own body beside her was stiff, perhaps even going through the same mental cycle as she was.

The clock glowed 6.30 am in angry red letters as she felt Regina snuggle up slightly towards her, her soft, warm hand gently pressed against her stomach in a half hug. Emma shuffled up the bed slightly, allowing Regina's body to slump onto her chest, her own hand resting lightly on her head. She ran her fingers over the light sprinkling of hair that had appeared so far on Regina's scalp that the brunette wanted to grow so desperately. 

'Do we have to get up?' Regina murmured, her voice husky with sleep. She coughed, and sat up slightly, her head now resting over her upper body. She provided Emma with some comfort, but she wasn't sure what that would do to the great extent of her anxiety today. Emma too imagined, that Regina would be feeling the same sickening tightening that she felt in her ribs at this very moment. 

'I suppose so,' she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss onto the stubble of Regina's hair.

Regina made no sound, but Emma felt her body trembling slightly as they lay on the bed. This was going to be a bad day. Maybe even the hardest day so far. But getting out of bed was the first step. Albeit a step she was reluctant to take. 

She leaned over, stretching her arm towards her CD player, pressing the on button to let classic fm tinkle out into the anxiety filled apartment. She almost felt the tension from Regina's shoulders float away slightly into the air as she slumped back into Emma's arms. She felt her soft skin on her own; warm, and very much alive. 

'Shall we?' Emma asked, tilting her head to face Regina's own.

'Okay,' she replied, her voice anxious but filled with a determination that Emma believed only Regina could muster at a time like this. Her eyes betrayed her voice, but she allowed her to keep her confidence, she would need it today of all days. 

Emma eased Regina's body up, helping her slide herself off the bed into a comfortable standing position. Regina rubbed the sleep dust out of her eyes, running her hands through the tangled in her hair simultaneously. Her blue, silky pyjamas were ruffled up around her waist. It was such an adorable sight, Emma couldn't help but smile slightly as she gently leaned to kiss Regina's cheek. As she did so, she gave her shoulders a quick massage, her fingers rubbing into her olive skin, eliciting a moan from Regina. 

'That feels nice,' she mumbled, turning to face Emma with a sleepy smile.

'Good,' the blonde replied, giving the shoulders one last gentle squeeze before manoeuvring them both towards the kitchen and most importantly, the coffee maker that was situated there. 

Boiling the water and pouring the kettle was simple. It was the heaviness of the air that made the quiet more sinister and tense. They sat in a stoic silence, the only sound being the sipping of coffee and for Emma, the loud thrumming of her own heart, that only she could hear. 

She placed the mug down with a little more aggression than she expected, making a clattering sound echo in the silence, causing Regina to jump slightly. She looked towards Emma with her big anxious eyes, waiting for her to speak. 

'Lets do this shit.' 

She could tell that was not what Regina was expecting her to say, and her features scrunched up in confusion, and then surprise until a small smile flickered onto her face. 

'We are going to do this, and we're gonna beat the shit out of this trial and we're going to have a life. A good life, me and you. You got that?' 

Regina nodded, her smile only growing to at Emma's words, conveying the love she felt. 

'Yes ma'am,' she responded with a mock salute, but the words had had their affect, and done their job. It was time to move on out. 

~~~~~~~~

Emma walked slowly to the row of chairs that were situated outside the door that would decide their fate. A newspaper caught her eye as she did so, and she slumped back, her eyes scanning the black and white print pages until a small, seemingly unimportant section popped out to her. She took a sharp intake of breath as she read the title:

APPLE IN EMPLOYEE RAPE TRIAL 

The headline stood out as clear as day. It wasn't centre page, it was only a small box, continued on page 4 it said, but she couldn't bring herself to look any further. It wasn't a huge trial, only an employee based one, but she hadn't even considered publicity. But of course, it was Apple, and Regina was quite high up in the company so she should have expected it. The thought of cameras flashing at her girlfriend jolted her out of her transfixed state, into one of frantic anxiety and a desperate need to find her and to avoid Regina's face being plastered all over the state.

She dropped the newspaper on a nearby chair, leaving it to be read by some unknowing soul, that wouldn't give the small box a second glance. It seemed odd to even consider that, as this trial would dictate such a huge part of their lives, and had the potential to change them for good. 

She walked back to the front of the hall slowly, trying to calm her frantic breaths that threatened to break her apart. Confidence from home was good, but here, at the courtroom, waiting for it to begin was a wholly different matter. She saw Regina entering the room and a man whom she assumed was Mr Jones greet Regina with an awkward smile. His dark hair was sticking up in spikes, as though he had been running his hands through it frequently due to nerves. He didn't seem sinister though, merely awkward around the current situation and his smile appeared genuine, brimming with concern for Regina. 

She admired Regina's confidence, although she knew it was partially faked. But who was she to rip the mask Regina had so carefully placed on; she herself has worn a mask so long, it would be hypocritical to. Regina had still dressed up, put on an expensive suit and done her makeup as best as she could despite everything. She couldn't quite manage without the crutches, but she still exuded a class and elegance that was so absolutely Regina, Emma couldn't help but smile for a brief second as she admired her. The moment the words trial slipped back to the forefront of her brain however, it shot out like a light, enveloping her world in dark shadows. 

After some brief polite conversation, Regina wandered over towards her, and Emma could tell she was trying hard to regulate her breathing just as she was. When Regina finally reached her, Emma grasped her hands tightly to stop the shaking that was only partially evident, and pulled her into a strong embrace. The feeling of Regina's skin under her fingers was comforting, as was the smell of her expensive perfume. 

'I love you,' Emma whispered, her lips lightly grazing Regina's cheek bone. 

'Love you too Emma,' she responded quietly, leaning in to Emma as a source of comfort. They stood, holding each other for a moment, revelling in the warmth of each other, as if it would make the rest of the world magically disappear.

'Are you ladies okay?' 

Emma heard the familiar voice of their therapist from behind her, and she flicked back to the cold reality, loosening Regina's grip from her slightly in order to turn around. Archie's face was lined but kindly as he smiled softly at them. He was dressed in a suit, one that perhaps had been smart a few years ago, but now was a little bit on the shabby side due to age. For some reason however, it was mildly comforting to Emma and she smiled briefly but genuinely at the doctor's sudden presence. 

'Fine,' she heard Regina reply from beside her. It was tight, controlled, and an blatant lie. All of them knew it, but she was glad Archie only smiled, and placed his arm on Regina's shoulder lightly as he came up to them. 

'If either of you need me, I'm always here to talk,' he responded, his features mildly anxious but genuine in his words. Emma watched as he walked on to the door and sat down in the chair closest to it.

As her gaze flickered away from Archie, she noted that there were now quite a few people buzzing around in important looking suits with briefcases and shiny shoes. 

Regina's feebly nodded towards her lawyer, who answered with a smile amongst a group of people all dressed in black. 

It was due to start at any moment, and Emma's heart palpitations were so hectic, she was almost convinced she might drop dead there and then of heart failure. But she couldn't do that, not now, not when Regina needed her most. She had to be a witness, and she would tell her story with as much truth and confidence as she possibly could. There was always going to be a fear of that night, but she couldn't let herself dwell. That night had destroyed her, turned her into the suicidally insane mess that she now was. But that was why she it was so crucial to win this. David had to go away for good, of that she was certain. He could never be allowed to hurt another woman, or destroy another life. She just needed to get the inner strength to do her part to put him away once and for all. And with Regina's strength and faith in her, maybe she actually had a chance. 

No one had ever been there for her in her childhood and early life, and she had never once felt herself deserving of the love that Regina was giving her. What they had, it was something different, something special; a light in her dark world she just wouldn't allow to be crushed. This time she had to punch back and say no. 

A commanding voice suddenly called to the people waiting outside the door, echoing in the bustling corridor. She knew what it meant. The trial was about to commence, and it had the potential to change their lives forever, for better or for worse. 

She followed the crowd to the large door, still holding Regina's hand tightly as she did so. The brunette gripped it back tightly, her nails slightly digging into the soft flesh of her palm, but Emma didn't mind. The large doors opened, revealing the large wood-panelled courtroom that would decide their fate. 

It was now or never.


	55. Something normal (every once in a while)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Court is adjourned,' rang the judge's voice, loud and booming across the echoing hall. It shook her abruptly from her self-induced trance, back into the now anxious chatter of the courtroom.  
> Regina let out a shaky breath she hadn't realised she had been holding, bringing her hand up to rest just above her chest. Her heart was hammering noisily; she could hear it, feel its exaggerated thudding under her hand. Everything just seemed so surreal in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm here to apologise profusely for my long absence. I had loads of exams and revision to do, but now I'm a free bird. I've been working on this chapter for 2 weeks now, and it's finally done. I only hope that I can keep producing chapters so that I can finish this before I hopefully head off to University in September. I shall endeavour to finish this fic before then, if not then I shall try and continue writing as much as I possibly can.  
> I love you all, and thanks for sticking with me, (if anyone is even still here- please let me know with a comment!)  
> Here's a fairly long chapter to try and make it up to you all- remember to leave a comment/ review if you enjoyed it! P.S. I'm sorry if there are any glaringly obvious mistakes- I tried to get it out as quickly as possible.

'Court is adjourned,' rang the judge's voice, loud and booming across the echoing hall. It shook her abruptly from her self-induced trance, back into the now anxious chatter of the courtroom. 

Regina let out a shaky breath she hadn't realised she had been holding, bringing her hand up to rest just above her chest. Her heart was hammering noisily; she could hear it, feel its exaggerated thudding under her hand. Everything just seemed so surreal in that moment. 

Of one thing she was sure, and that was that she shouldn’t move her eyes from where they were staring just below the accused’s chair. Don't look up. Don't look up, she murmured to herself. She knew perfectly well what she would see if she lifted her eyes a fraction above where they presently rested. She knew more specifically, who she would see, and that was what frightened her. His eyes already felt like burning lasers on her tender skin, almost as if they were slicing at what remained of her dignity. She knew what he was trying to do. She couldn’t. But it was as though he was calling to her, like a snake charmer beckoning her with an alluring song. She couldn't resist.

The brunette looked up only for a second, only for the briefest of moments, but when their eyes met, it felt like eternity for all the wrong reasons. A nightmare. A malicious glint was still present, she could see it clear as day, and effortlessly, the memories she had tried so hard to forget fell crashing before her eyes in a colossal waterfall. 

She could almost feel his hands upon her skin. The roughness of his fingers digging into her waist. The scratchy stubble on her cheeks. Those wet, loveless lips hungrily biting at her own. His hot slimy breath blowing on her own skin as he panted heavily above her. All of that in one look. The briefest of looks. 

'Regina?' Emma whispered from beside her. She could hear the vulnerability in her voice, and she knew she must be feeling the exact same way as she herself was at this very moment, but she just couldn't bring herself to look up at Emma's anxious features. 

'I'm fine,' escaped her lips weakly, but her eyes were still firmly focused on the wall opposite them in the oak panelled hall. He was gone now, but his crooked smile was etched into her brain. 

'We can go now,' Emma said after a moment, placing her hand ever so lightly on her shoulder. It wasn't unwelcome. Regina felt the blonde's hand shaking slightly as she tightened her grip a fraction. This felt like more than just a bad day.

She stood up suddenly, as if aware there must be multiple people waiting to escape the confines of this hall. It was beautiful, or would have been, but it held the memories, the tension of all cases that had come before, and was in fact incredibly unwelcoming. 

With sudden desperation, she quickened her pace, moving swiftly along the benches towards the door. She felt Emma jog along behind her as she strode out into the bustling corridor. Face after face, eyes and endless looks of pity but also scepticism. She couldn't stand it. They all felt like lasers, magnifying glasses peeking, peeling at her skin, her façade, looking for the plain scientific truth.

'Emma,' she managed to choke out, 'If you'll excuse me, I think I may have to go to the bathroom.' 

She felt the bile rising in the back of her throat as she rushed through the crowds, frantically pushing until she made it into an empty stall, not bothering to shut the door behind her as she collapsed to the floor, her legs no longer physically able to hold up her weight. She took her scarf off quickly, and gagged into the toilet, the feeling of anxious nausea tightening her chest painfully. She had seen David. The trial had barely begun, but look at her. Sickened over a second of a look into his eyes. Weak. How did she ever think that they could get through this?

A warm clammy hand rested lightly on her shoulder as she rested her head on the seat of the toilet. Not the most hygienic, but right now that wasn’t first priority. It was Emma, she knew it was. She could smell her familiar smell, feel her long blonde hair tickling at her neck as she leaned her head to press on her shoulder. A light kiss was placed on her cheek, and she leaned into it, her breathing slowing a fraction as she fell into Emma’s warm embrace.

‘It’s alright,’ she whispered, holding her close. ‘It’s going to be alright.’ Emma kept up these murmurings for what seemed like a decade as she tried to gather the strength to go out there again. She needed to get herself together, after all, she was sure, in fact no, she was certain that Emma was feeling the same way. They needed to get home. 

‘Can you stand?’ Emma questioned gently, as Regina lifted her head slightly. 

‘Yeah.’

She helped Regina to her feet by grasping onto her forearm, pulling her into a tight hug.

‘I should have brought my damned crutches,’ Regina said after a minute of standing.

‘Well you just so happen to be incredibly stubborn, I don’t know if you’ve noticed before,’ Emma responded with a slight chuckle, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

‘Home?’

‘Home.’ Emma affirmed.

‘You two ladies in there?’ she heard Archie’s voice call out nervously from beyond the door of the Ladies toilet. 

‘Just a minute,’ Emma responded, helping Regina to shuffle to the door. ‘Home,’ she whispered again softly, like a mantra, as if it was the only thing holding them both to the floor at that moment. 

Upon opening the door, the therapist’s anxious face was revealed. He smiled when he saw the two women, but his face tightened when he saw the paleness of Regina’s face, and the obvious fake smile that Emma had plastered on, the smile that Regina knew meant she would rather be anywhere else.  
‘Would you care for a ride home?’ He offered awkwardly, scratching his head unconsciously, but Emma accepted his understanding offer with gratitude, a flicker of a real smile coming to the surface. 

She looked down as they walked through the halls full of people; she could still feel their eyes on her, but she focused solely on holding up her weight, and the feeling of Emma’s arm snugly wrapped round her waist.

Home. It was Emma’s apartment now, not her own. She hadn’t been there in weeks, and she had no plans to rectify that. She didn’t need to imagine that like the court room, it held memories she would much rather forget about. She was ushered by Emma into Archie’s small green car, which although was a little on the scruffy side, was comforting, arguably like the good doctor himself. Regina grasped Emma’s hand tightly throughout the whole journey home, taking quick looks at Emma’s drawn features from the corner of her eye. 

The city ran by in a blur of lights and people going about their daily business. Women in smart, efficient looking suits and briefcases looking determined. That had been her once, not too long ago. She knew she had to get out of her current mindset. The brunette wasn’t certain whether she’d ever be completely out of the dark, but with continued therapy she hoped, or more like prayed, she would return to something like herself before this. She couldn’t be irrevocably changed, nor could Emma. To believe that would render their situation hopeless, and a happy life with Emma impossible. 

She leaned in to the blonde’s shoulder, allowing her head to rest upon Emma’s warm skin. The blonde’s grip around her hand tightened in a brief squeeze at Regina’s attempts at further contact. 

‘I love you,’ she whispered.

‘Love you too Regina,’ the blonde answered softly, bringing her hand up to cup the brunette’s cheek in a half embrace. 

‘Is it just up ahead Emma?’ Archie called back, forcing Emma to tilt her head away from Regina’s.

‘Yeah, just turn left here, thanks.’

Once they had arrived, Emma leaned and unclipped Regina’s belt, slipping out of the car in order to place a hand behind Regina’s back, helping her too slide out of the car. 

‘You need any help?’ Archie asked hesitantly Regina noted, but she shook her head, smiling slightly.

‘I’m fine Archie, really, but I thank you for your concern,’ she replied as eloquently as she could manage in her current circumstances. She attempted to limp alone to the door to the stairwell, but Emma jogged up behind her, slipping her strong arm round her back, and pressing in the pincode to the left of the scuffed yellow door. She threw Emma a grateful smile at her assistance. All she really wanted right now was a steamy hot bath to soothe her aching limbs and her troubled mind.

‘Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?’ Emma asked the doctor, but he declined her offer with a shake of his head and a gentle smile.

‘Let me know if either of you need anything anyway,’ he said finally, before waving, and slipping into his car and driving away.

‘Almost home,’ Emma whispered once more, as she helped Regina into the lift which would lead to her apartment. 

Opening the door almost felt like arms drawing her in to a tight embrace, and Regina quickly manoeuvred herself to the bed, and flopped on to it. She felt a dent in the bed behind where she had slumped, and a hand gently stroke her head in calming circles.

‘I really want a bath,’ the brunette mumbled, stretching out her aching.

‘I’ll go run you one.’

‘You don’t have to do that Emma,’ she replied. 

‘But I want to,’ the blonde insisted, leaving her spot on the bed and turning the corner to her small, but perfectly formed bathroom. Regina let out a sigh as she lay out her body wide on the bed. This weakness was always going to be a strange feeling to her, she realised, as she ran her eyes aimlessly around the room, glancing at the few posters Emma had that graced her walls. This apartment was so different from her own, yet the furniture she had once proclaimed as elegant and fashionable, was actually detached, astray from feeling. Every part of this apartment radiated Emma, and felt as though they embodied a small part of her. A certain strength that only Emma had, that had got her this far. Her first impression had been of a small scruffy flat, but now it felt like a warm cozy home. Emma’s face popped round the door with a weak smile, and ambled over to sit by Regina on the bed once more. 

‘What are you thinking?’ She asked Regina, somewhat apprehensively. 

‘I’m tired,’ the brunette said with a small sigh, but she reached out, entwining Emma’s hand with hers. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m fine Regina, don’t worry about me.’

‘You know perfectly well that I do, Emma, always,’ Regina replied, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. She had noted a paleness in Emma’s skin, and an anxious twitch in her hand. This was going to take some coming back from, and it wasn’t even over yet, she realised. 

‘I love you, you know that right?’ Regina asked, keeping her eyes firmly locked with Emma’s own. Sometimes she thought, Emma just looked as though she needed a few words to remind her that she was important. It was something she knew the blonde had suffered from, even before the…assault. She just hoped she was enough to help her combat those feelings of loneliness and isolation.

‘I love you too,’ the blonde said, smiling gently at the other woman’s words. ‘I should check on that bath though, before I flood the place,’ she added, squeezing her hand before rising from the bed once more. 

‘It’s ready,’ Emma called from the bathroom. She headed in slowly, smiling when she saw the bath. Emma had sprinkled something very nice smelling in the bath; lavender perhaps? Regina allowed Emma to help her undress slowly, until only her underwear was left.

‘Want me to go?’ Emma asked anxiously at Regina’s state of undress.

‘No, its fine,’ Regina realised. She didn’t mind at the blonde viewing her nakedness, in fact, she wanted it, especially as it wasn’t sexual in any way. It was a level of intimacy she craved in their relationship, a level that mentally at least, she had reached comfortably. 

Sinking into the warm water of the bath felt heavenly, and she felt the stress of the past few days unfurl into the bubbles. There was a slight throb coming from her basically healed wound as it came into contact with the hot water, but she forced herself to ignore it and sink into the lovely hot water.  
Emma sat beside her, her smart jacket abandoned on the clothes rack, the buttons of her shirt slightly undone, as well as her sleeves rolled up to the elbows, revealing some slightly shaggy unchanged bandages. Her head was resting slightly on her hands, her back slumped. Her tense position made the relaxing bath a little bit less relaxing.

‘Emma,’ she said, causing the blonde to look up suddenly, as if she had been wading around so deeply in her own thoughts she had forgotten reality.

‘Is everything okay? Is it too hot?’

‘No, it’s perfect. Well almost everything,’ Regina added. 

‘What is it?’ Emma asked with a worried expression present on her features.

‘You look miserable,’ she said quietly, waiting for a recognition on Emma’s face which turned out to be a soft sort of sad. 

‘It’s inevitable Regina, no getting past it.’

‘But-‘

‘You can’t tell me you’re feeling just dandy. You practically threw up,’ she said, rubbing her face aggressively with pink clenched hands. ‘Not after what we just saw, who we just saw. I’m sorry.’ She slumped back, almost defeated from her slight outburst. 

‘It’s okay,’ Regina started. ‘Well…no, it’s not okay. I’m not just dandy. I’m trying to be,’ she replied with a sigh. ‘Come here,’ she said after a moment.  
Emma looked up once again, reaching Regina’s gaze. She slid from the seat to the floor, perching next to where Regina lay in the bath. The brunette leaned in, pressing a kiss onto Emma’s pink lips softly, reaching out a slightly damp hand to hold her closer to her own face in a half embrace.  
‘We’ll be okay,’ she murmured into the blonde’s hair. ‘We have to be.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

She awoke, a scream threatening to leave her lips and her heart thudding incredibly aggressively. He was here, he was everywhere and she knew she would never get away. She blinked, and he was there, clear as day. That smile, that evil glint in his eyes, and those hands were just reaching for her, reaching to take everything from her all over again. Quickly leaning over and turning on the bedside light, Regina vanquished his image, breathing a sigh of relief as she tried to slow her beating heart. It was as if he had really been there, about to take what he desired from her again. No. He wasn’t there, he was in prison she reminded herself; once the trial was over, he would be there for a very long time, and he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone. As her heart slowed, and the nightmare became semi blurry, she slumped back to the bed. Regina then looked over to Emma’s side of the bed.

She wasn’t there.

Her heart began racing once more at her absence, and she looked around frantically, searching for the flash of familiar blonde hair and pale skin. Leaping out of bed, she ran to the kitchen, searching behind the counter. Where was she? Had she left again? Mentally preparing herself to run out of the door, Regina then noted the light on in the bathroom. She walked cautiously to the door, which was partially open, pushing it slightly so that it swung open and revealed her partners’ body. 

Emma was a crouched pile on the floor, her blonde hair ruffled from sleep, but her face was obscured from her view. The second thing Regina noticed, was the pile of blades on the floor next to her. Emma’s bandages were off, and the previously red cuts had faded slightly, but were still prominent against her pale skin. It was as though in that moment the world stopped, and her anxious beating heart did too. 

‘Emma?’ She managed to choke out after a moment of paralysis, and the blonde’s face flicked quickly to face her own. The guilty expression on her face could only make Regina fear the worst. She took a slow step forward, and slumped to the ground, quickly acting by grabbing both of Emma’s hands, and turning her body to directly face the blonde, to stop her, (if she even was,) from hurting herself. She had been worried that this would happen, after everything, it was only natural that Emma would return to her coping mechanism. She had just hoped that she wouldn’t- 

‘Will you help me get rid of them?’ the blonde whispered after a moment, surprising the brunette.

‘Of course,’ she replied immediately, yanking her into a tight hug. She felt Emma’s arms wrap around her back, and she almost cried with relief. 

‘I was going to…’ the blonde whispered, ‘but then I held it above my wrist and I realised I didn’t want to. Please help me Regina I don’t want to be this anymore. I can’t. I can’t be this person please,’ the blonde choked out, and Regina held her even tighter as she began to sob loudly. 

‘It’s okay, Em. It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m going to help, and everything’s going to be just fine.’ 

Her chest tightened at Emma’s tears, as well as the huge pile of blades that Emma must have been keeping secret all this time, but she forced herself to focus on the crying woman in her arms. Emma needed her right now, and that was most important. Just as Emma had whispered a mantra of home, Regina whispered a mantra of ‘okays,’ as well as rubbing soothing circles on the blonde’s back as they rocked together in a ball in Emma’s small bathroom. 

‘We’re going to do this together. Always.’

‘You promise?’ Emma mumbled, her head now leaning on the crook of Regina’s neck lightly, but the feeling of skin on skin was comforting intimacy enough. 

‘Promise,’ Regina affirmed. This was a big step for Emma, and she knew it. She allowed herself the few tears that escaped, wiping them away firmly with her hand. Progress was progress, and although there would be setbacks and she knew it, there was still a hope present for a better future with Emma. 

‘Let’s get rid of them shall we?’ She said after Emma’s sobs had subsided, and the blonde nodded, red tear tracks down her face as she leaned away from Regina’s embrace. Regina grabbed a dirty towel from the floor, and carefully began to pick up the blades that were a pile on the floor, and placed them in the middle. Once they were all there, she picked up the towel bundle, holding out her hand to the blonde. Emma grasped it with a smile, squeezing it lightly as they slipped on their shoes, heading out in the night to dispose of a fragment of Emma’s demons. 

Walking, (more like slightly limping for Regina,) down the hall in a large t-shirt and a pair of scuffed trainers probably should have felt stranger to Regina, but Emma’s hand was in her own, and that was what was important. They went in the cold dark of the night, to a large group of trashcans just by the train station. With their hands still intertwined, Regina looked to Emma, who once more nodded quickly, and they emptied the towel into the bin, listening to the almost innocent tinkling sound of the metal clanging against the bin’s contents. Once the towel was empty, they stood, merely looking at what had been Emma’s coping mechanism, now in individual pieces, unsalvageable, never to hurt her perfect skin again. 

‘Shall we go?’ Regina whispered to the blonde, who stood transfixed, looking at the bin. 

‘In a minute,’ she responded. Her left hand lifted up slightly, as if waving goodbye. Those blades had been such a big part of her life, Regina couldn’t quite imagine what she was feeling. Perhaps lost, and somewhat empty. The cold night air whipped at her t-shirt and the short growth of her hair. She shivered, drawing closer to the blonde in attempt to get warmer. 

‘Home?’ she whispered, wrapping her arms loosely round the blonde’s still transfixed state. 

‘Home,’ Emma replied, and the two women began to make their way back quickly towards the apartment.

Regina was now painfully aware of exactly how dark and how cold it was out here, and her dreams had left her a little shaken. In fact, she wasn’t even sure if she would be able to get back to sleep after everything that had happened. The street was an empty kind of silent, threatening terrifying pareidolia in the shadows that creeped on its corners. The couple stayed firmly in the light as they walked towards their destination. The distant dog barking was the only sound beyond the shuffling of their feet on the concrete sidewalk, but Regina couldn’t help the way her mind wandered to less fond memories, to nights she would rather forget. She began to walk a little faster.

It was only when she twisted the lock on the apartment door, that she felt safe, allowing herself to take a deep breath to centre herself once more. Regina slipped off her shoes, and beelined, (still holding Emma,) to the bed in the centre of the apartment. She sank down onto the duvet, clutching the blonde’s body tightly in an embrace. 

‘I love you,’ she whispered.

‘Love you too,’ the blonde replied.  
She was once more cocooned in the warmth of the apartment and Emma’s arms. Safe. Safe and light, away from the darkness outside. Regina snuggled further under the duvet. 

‘I’m so proud of you,’ she said after a moment of silence.

All Emma responded with was a kiss to her forehead and a smile, which she felt grow against her skin. 

‘You’re so beautiful.’

‘It’s dark Regina,’ the blonde replied.

‘So?’

‘It means you can’t see my face, dork,’ the blonde replied with a slight laugh. ‘You can’t tell me I’m beautiful if you can’t even see me.’

‘One, just because it’s dark, doesn’t mean I can’t tell you you’re beautiful, because…I remember what you look like quite clearly thank you, and second, there is more than 1 kind of beauty. I just so happened to be complimenting your inner beauty in that moment.’ Regina replied rather matter of fact, but her comments elicited a wonderful, quiet chuckle from Emma, and a further kiss. 

‘What would I do without you,’ she whispered as she twisted her body to wrap both arms around Regina in a pleasant tangle of limbs.

‘I don’t know what I’d do without you either,’ the brunette replied honestly. It was moments like these that allowed her to stay grounded, even after everything. Emma’s love was the purest thing on this earth, she was sure of it, and it fuelled her the same way that water and oxygen fuelled a person.

‘Thank you…for tonight.’ Emma said after a minute, breaking the peaceful silence once more. 

‘Anytime, anywhere.’

‘I’m sorry,' was added, and Regina thought she could hear cracks in her voice as she spoke, that threatened tears over-spilling.

‘What are you sorry for?’ Regina asked, suddenly anxious at what Emma would say. ‘Did you?...’

‘I think I cut my thumb a little when I picked one up, but that’s all,’ the blonde responded.

‘Then why are you sorry?’

‘I just wanted to be…better,’ the blonde said with a sigh. Although it was dark, upon turning her face to Emma’s, she could see the self-loathing ingrained in her features, an expression that although often, still made Regina’s heart ache.

‘What you did tonight, that was better,’ the brunette replied, untangling her arms from Emma’s hold, and cupping the blonde’s face. The pale moonlight delicately shone its light on her cheeks, and Regina could see the light shining in Emma’s green eyes.

‘It’s a step. A step in the right direction, and you’re going to keep making more now.’

‘Really?’ 

‘I firmly believe that,’ she whispered in response.

‘What about the trial?’ Emma asked. The mention of it caused a shiver to run down Regina’s spine, but she attempted to shake off her ghosting anxiety. 

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she said, although her words were weak, with little truth behind them and she knew it.

‘We both know it does.’

‘Well it will be over soon,’ the brunette said with a certain finality in her words. Perhaps it was more so to convince herself that this was the absolute truth. If she thought about the trial anymore, she thought she might break, and she couldn’t afford to do that right now, especially not with Emma’s current vulnerability. She had to be the strong one.

‘Let’s go to bed, it’s been a long day,’ Regina said, desperate to move away from the trial and what it might hold for the both of them.

‘Okay,’ Emma replied, snuggling next to the brunette in their bed. 

The feeling of Emma’s arms around her should have been enough to lull her into sleep, but for some reason, Regina still felt incredibly hyper aware of their surroundings. She listened to Emma’s breathing, regular, and perhaps a little slower than usual, but it was obvious that she too was wide awake. The night wore on, and she tossed and turned almost frantically for almost an hour before flopping to the bed with a defeated sigh. The clock read clearly 4.29am. 

‘I can’t sleep,’ she whispered.

‘Me either,’ Emma’s quiet voice came from beside her. ‘I just feel so awake yet simultaneously exhausted.’

‘Mhm,’ was all that was required from Regina to let Emma know she felt the same.

‘Well we won’t then,’ Emma replied, turning her face to Regina, and pressing a gentle kiss to Regina’s lips. ‘Tell me something about you Regina.’

‘What?’ she whispered, a smile softening her frown lines.

‘Anything. In fact, no. Tell me about your first kiss,’ Emma insisted, a cheeky smile gracing her lips.

‘We’re doing this now are we?’ Regina laughed. ‘Fine. His name was Daniel. We were in high school together, but we were good friends for most of our lives. It just happened one day. We were hanging out, I think it was at my house, and he leaned in suddenly, and kissed me on the lips. That’s all there is to it.’

‘Did you date afterwards?’

‘For a little while, although it was fairly secret because my mother didn’t approve of him, although I’d known him for so long,’ she replied with a sad kind of smile. ‘But anyhow, we are still friends now. I email occasionally as he lives quite a way away now, all the way in Washington DC.’

‘That’s a shame,’ Emma responded, stroking the short tufts of Regina’s hair.

‘It’s okay really, although I don’t have many friends in Storybrooke, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have any elsewhere. I see them all every once in a while,’ she said. ‘Now, you. Tell me everything,’ she said, turning the tables on Emma.

‘I was 14, she was 15-‘

‘She was a she?’ Regina asked, surprised.

‘Yeah, I had like a major crush on her, so I kind of guessed I liked women already,’ Emma replied with somewhat of an awkward smile.

‘Good for you,’ the brunette replied, ‘Though I may have to refrain now from feeling a little jealous.’

‘Jealous? Of Lily? You shouldn’t be, Regina,’ Emma insisted, ‘I haven’t heard from her in years. She wasn’t the best sort, kind of had a bad habit of screwing me over.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t have to go into it if you don’t want to,’ the brunette said, suddenly wishing she had never asked.

‘No it’s okay. It wasn’t a bad kiss,’ the blonde said assuring her, ‘I kind of fancied her, and she knew it. One day, we weren’t even dating at the time, but she kissed me and it felt right. But, of course, typical Lily she was just messing about. We dated on and off but she was never interested in the long term. I don’t think, I mean it wouldn’t have worked.’

‘Well I’m interested in the long term,’ Regina said with a smile, bringing the conversation back to the present. Emma’s smile at her comment was reassuring in itself.

‘Good, I’m glad, because then I think I’d have severely misunderstood you.’

‘No, I most certainly want a future with you Emma Swan.’ Looking at Emma, she had never been more sure of anything in her life. The circumstances of their relationship weren’t exactly what she had envisaged when looking for a partner, but…if they got through this, that was all that mattered. Emma seemed to be echoing her thoughts.

‘Do you think we’d be together if none of this shit had happened?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said after a moment, musing on the events of their meeting, ‘but I know one thing, and that was that I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you the moment I saw you,’ Regina replied honestly. 

‘Well I thought you were hot as fuck when I met you,’ Emma responded, causing Regina to give her a playful thump. 

‘Well thanks Swan for ruining my deep moment,’ she said with mock annoyance, but a laugh bubbled in her throat and she couldn’t help it when it escaped.

‘Love you though, really, truly,’ the blonde said once Regina had stopped laughing. 

‘You better, because you’re sure stuck with me now,’ she answered, only half joking this time. Everything they had been through meant that she wasn’t sure she could be without Emma. When she wasn’t with her, she felt as though she was lost, without an anchor, floating away into space. After…him, Regina was certain that she wouldn’t have survived. Emma was so strong to have gone through what she did, and come out of it, unlike her. But at least Emma wanted her, despite her looks, and despite the memories that Regina’s experiences brought to the forefront. 

‘There’s no one else I’d rather be stuck with,’ Emma replied with a smile. 

‘I like knowing more about you.’

‘I like knowing more about the elusive Regina Mills too,’ the blonde said, wrapping her arms round her tightly. 

‘So what else do you want to know then?’ She asked, curious as to what Emma would desire to know about next.

‘Cats or dogs?’ the blonde said suddenly, making Regina laugh more due to the concentration that had been on the blonde’s face, only to have such a trivial outcome.

‘That’s not a very good question,’ she retorted.

‘Well, it is actually a very important question, because when we buy our own house sometime, I want to know what kind of animals we’ll have running about our house.’

‘Hmmm, fine then. Cats, but I don’t mind dogs either,’ she answered finally. 

‘That’s fine with me,’ Emma answered with a smile, ‘I like both too. I vote we name the cat Scully, and the dog Mulder.’

‘The XFiles?’ Regina questioned with a smirk. She hadn’t thought Emma to be interested in Sci-Fi. The blonde surprised her every day with a little quirk. 

‘Of course, I was a bored kid when I was younger, and one set of foster parents I had were sci-Fi nuts, had practically ever box-set of everything; Star-trek, Star Wars, you get the picture.’

‘Can I veto?’

‘Absolutely not.’

‘It must have been hard moving from place to place so often,’ the brunette mused sadly. 

‘I got used to it. At least I know now that I have a home with you,’ Emma responded with a smile, and a quick kiss on the cheek. 

‘Always,’ the brunette replied, consciously making sure she reaffirmed that Emma had a place with her, and that she always would. She looked to the clock; it was now after 5am. She could see the crack of early morning light filtering through the drawn blinds, signalling that a new day was beginning. 

‘Should we sleep?’ Regina said. She felt her eyes drooping slightly as they lay together in their comfortable pile of blankets. She had not slept well all night, but now she felt as though they both might have a chance at a decent sleep, albeit there would be a very late morning as a consequence.

‘Okay,’ Emma replied, snuggling back next to Regina once more, with her arms loosely wrapped around her. This was it, she thought. This was what being normal felt like. Not that it would stay for long, or that it mattered. Things weren’t normal, and neither of them were going to be completely normal for the rest of their lives most likely. It was just nice have that feeling every once in a while. 

As she felt sleep consuming her, she mumbled a hasty, ‘Love you,’ to the half-asleep figure of Emma beside her.

‘Love you too,’ she thought she heard, as she fell into a welcoming blackness.


	56. It's a start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘When you say you let him into your office, surely that means you wanted him to come in?’  
> Mr Gold’s voice rang out over the court, filled with an authority that only years in the field could provide. Yet it was the distinct slyness in his speech that Emma herself noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,
> 
> It has definitely been a while, and I was going to write out a long apology but I'm sure you've all heard enough excuses from me already. Anyway, just wanted to post this update so you all know I'm still alive and working on this story. No matter what happens with the show, and has happened with SwanQueen, I will always be writing swen fic here, whenever I get inspiration. I already have many one shot ideas, as well as plans to finish YDHAH. 
> 
> Anyway, enough rambling. Please take note of these warnings! As I want this fic to be an accurate representation of the struggles of mental health etc. Emma's psychology is explored a lot in this chapter, and can be triggering. TW for actual self harm in this chapter and mention of scars.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy! Sorry if there are any mistakes, and also sorry for the angst...

‘When you say you let him into your office, surely that means you wanted him to come in?’

Mr Gold’s voice rang out over the court, filled with an authority that only years in the field could provide. Yet it was the distinct slyness in his speech that Emma herself noticed. He was good, she knew that already, and with Regina herself the one being further questioned this time by Da-…his defence lawyer this time, there was nothing she knew of that would calm the fast beating of her heart. She felt sick with the fear and acknowledgement of Mr Gold’s power; this wasn’t going to be an easy trial. From the first moment she had seen him, she had seen that look in his eyes. The brief spark of confidence she had had before the trial had begun, around 24 hours ago, had waned significantly. Perhaps it had never even been there at all; perhaps she had only convinced herself of it.

‘No, I didn’t want him to come in,’ Regina’s voice responded. Despite a degree of wobble, the blonde noticed her attempts to remain calm and confident. It was a façade of course, because there were also the tell-tale signs that Regina was about to break, that perhaps only she, Archie, and a few others knew of.

‘Then why did you allow Mr Nolan to enter your office at that time, if as you claim, you knew he was going to ‘rape,’ you.’

The way he said rape was so disbelieving, Emma had to refrain from standing up and yelling at the bastard. 

‘He was my boss, he had rights, and for all I knew, perhaps he only wanted to discuss a business matter.’

‘But according to your story, Mr Nolan had already made his intentions clear. By letting him in therefore, you consented to whatever relationship there was between you.’

‘If you want to label this as a relationship, go ahead, but the facts remain that he was my superior, and he abused his position as a result. Whatever happened between us should never have happened in the first place,’ Regina said. Her voice had an angry edge as she clearly lost patience for Gold’s subtle manipulations.

‘Yes, there is a slight matter of superiority, but you did not deny my statement that there was a consenting relationship between you, therefore my client is not guilty of rape in this instance.’

‘Objection,’ Regina’s lawyer interjected, and with approval from the judge, continued, ‘In this one instance Mr Gold is claiming that there was a consenting relationship with my client and his, however, he is clearly missing the obvious evidence of the incident before he was taken into custody. My client was attacked brutally, and almost killed by this man. Does this sound like a loving relationship to you?’

‘Objection your honour, the prosecution is putting words into the jury’s mouth here,’ Gold cut in once more.

‘There is no clear evidence that it was in fact my client who committed this act. We have no witnesses that place him at the scene other than Ms Mills’ word, and as we have already established, her mental state at this time is questionable.’

‘Other than the bruises and stab marks on her skin?’ was interjected.

‘that it was my client specifically,’ Gold continued with a sinister smile, and sat down. He knew his work had been done.

‘Ms Mills, is there anything else you would like to say in response to Mr Gold’s accusations here?’

Emma noted the lawyers firm nod as the brunette looked shakily over for guidance. 

‘No,’ she responded, a tremor present in her voice.

‘Court will pause for a 15-minute break,’ the judge bellowed, banging the hammer onto the wooden counter once more.

Emma could feel her blood boil as she watched Gold’s smug face across the room, and her desire to go up to him and punch him in the face was only growing by the second. But as she noticed Regina walking towards her, trembling slightly, she tried to calm her intense feelings so she could present Regina with her best attempt at a comforting smile. 

The brunette sat down with a soft thump next to her, and all the blonde could do was put Regina’s had in her own, rubbing it softly with her thumb in reassurance.   
‘Regina?’ she whispered softly.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ she whispered back, the desperation in her voice evident. Emma noted that everyone around them had cleared a little, providing the couple with some much needed space.

‘You don’t need to worry, you got yourself some excellent lawyers here, you’re a pretty big deal Regina. I know Gold is kind of…creepy, but I’m sure they’ll see the light. There is no way he can get away with what he’s done.’

‘Realistically though, he may have done all this wrong, but Gold has a point Emma. I let him in, I let him do this to me.’ Emma could see that her dark brown eyes were glazed over, and she could only imagine the painful images she was seeing.

‘Hey, hey, stop,’ she said, trying to shake Regina out of her trance. ‘No, you never wanted it Regina, he blackmailed you.’

‘But I didn’t stop him. I could have.’

‘You didn’t realise you had the strength to do it, that’s all.’

‘I don’t know if I have the strength to do this now,’ she murmured in response. The blonde felt those words deep in her own chest. They too had been prominent in her brain, but she wasn’t about to let Regina fall down with her.

‘You do, you have Archie, you have me.’

Regina smiled weakly at this and nuzzled her head slightly into Emma’s shoulder. Looking up, she noticed the lawyer heading over towards them, obviously wanting to speak to Regina. 

‘Regina, Ms Matthews will be over here in a second,’ she said, making the brunette aware of the figure that was coming up behind them.

Although her words may have comforted Regina slightly, she still felt nauseous at the idea that she too would have to present her own report on what had happened in order to get him prosecuted. She was a witness after all, but Emma was unsure of whether she could find enough of her own strength to get through what was to come.  
~~~~~~~

It was pitch black in their room. She had woken from yet another night of nightmares, always the same yet always changing. Always him. All this experience had done was bring her own trauma up to the surface, not that it had ever really left. She had never gotten help, too afraid to reveal herself to someone in such an intimate way. Now she had someone she realised, glancing over at Regina’s vague figure in the darkness; something she had never dreamed of happening after all the nights she had spent desperately alone. Regina was so perfect yet so broken at this moment, and she couldn’t help but think that maybe being together would only result in more pain. Both of them so broken and cracked that their entanglement could leave them both bleeding. Maybe it already had. Yet for some reason, she couldn’t bear the thought of Regina not being in her life. The very thought of it made her chest tighten in anxiety. Ever since she had met her, their connection had been profound, her feelings almost immediate. Like soul mates, not that Emma was even sure she believed in that concept. She couldn’t seem to stop thinking as she lay awake in bed, the thoughts drifting even darker as the haze of sleep slowly dissipated, leaving her painfully aware.

As she focused on the surrounding blackness, she felt that familiar tightness in her chest, the aching in her limbs that tingled, wanting to be scratched at. She had abandoned one of her main coping mechanisms yesterday, and she knew it was for the best, but the desire was still at the forefront of her brain. She just felt so…out of control, so hopeless in that very moment. The images of the nightmare lingered, but she was unwilling to turn on the bedside light in case that woke Regina. The blonde slid out of the bed as quickly as possible, attempting to walk quietly over to the kitchen counter as best as she could in the dark. With the light of her phone, she illuminated her surroundings slightly, looking for something she knew in her weakness would…relieve her of her desires. The cravings seemed stronger this time, stronger than they had in a while, and she couldn’t help but wrap her fingers around the first available knife on kitchen counter.

As Emma found what her body craved, she felt her stomach drop as she internally screamed at herself to stop. It won’t do anything, it’ll just make things worse, she murmured to herself. Regina will be disappointed. You just got rid of your blades, don’t do anything stupid. Regina. Regina will hate you. Her urges had only been getting worse as the weeks and their intense events had gone by, but she had managed to avoid hurting herself thus far, forcing herself to support Regina through these dark times. But in that moment, she realised she hadn’t been focusing on her own self-care, and in its absence, she had begun tearing at the seams. 

She didn’t want to be that person, the person that always fell apart.

But you need to, another part of her brain whispered at her, softly, alluringly. It will make you feel better. Regina doesn’t have to know.  
This internal conflict was exhausting, and the blonde sighed, her eyes welling up with tears. She clutched the handle of the knife, but began to sob as she did do, slumping to the floor with a thump in emotional defeat.

Her words to Regina were one thing, but was she going to be able to come forward and stand as evidence of David’s behaviour? She too had no evidence of the attack but her damaged mental state and how that was shown on her body in the most terrible way. Could she be enough for Regina and get through this trial without hurting herself? 

She held the cool metal above her thigh, placing it gently over her ruined skin. Was she strong enough to do as Regina wanted her to? Was she strong enough to put this away? Was she strong enough to move past the memories that had haunted her the past two years? Last night she had been strong enough to throw away her blades, but only because Regina had found her and stayed with her. She was alone now, and the questions for which she didn’t know the answers tore at her fragile mind.

Regina wouldn’t have to know.

Regina wouldn’t have to ever know, in a few days it would just look like any cut.

Cut.

… she pressed a tissue over the seeping blood, the tears now coming thick and fast. You’ve ruined everything, the voice in Emma’s head screamed at her, her chest tightening so much she wasn’t sure if she was even breathing as she realised what she had done. Oh god what had she done. She now had three deep fresh cuts on her thigh. She had been delusional, stupid to think that she could hide this from Regina, and now she had fucked everything up. This was a mistake. Her mind was foggy yet so clear, and she dropped the knife on the floor, far enough away that her hands wouldn’t be able to reach for it again and finish what she had started.  
She thought she might throw up, but she couldn’t seem to even breathe, let alone move. 

‘Emma?’

Regina, oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

She tried to speak but her words felt foreign in her mouth, like she couldn’t even remember how to speak her own language.  
‘Regina, I’ve fucked up,’ was all she could manage to fall from her lips in what sounded like a drunken slur, the tears continuing to stream down her cheeks.

‘Fuck.’

‘Emma, where are you?’ Regina’s voice came from the bedroom. She sounded frantic. You’ve done this to her Emma, you’ve made her feel this way. You don’t deserve her. It was all too overwhelming.

‘Oh my god, Emma,’ she heard as Regina collapsed in front of her, her hands fumbling frantically as she first grasped her hands and then her cheeks, trying anything to get her eyes focused. 

‘I’m so sorry Regina,’ she sobbed as she focused on Regina’s face, noting the brunette’s tears and the sadness and anxiety etched on her face.

‘Please let me take you to the hospital Emma,’ the brunette asked her imploringly, her hands resting on Emma’s cheeks.

‘I can’t Regina, don’t you understand?’ Maybe it was the blood loss or the anxiety, but she was beginning to feel slightly woozy and most definitely out of it, almost as though she was no longer in her body. Yet the blonde could still feel how fast her heart was pounding, and she couldn’t help but worry in her temporary insanity that it might burst out of her chest.

‘I don’t know if I can sew these myself Emma, they’re deeper than before. Please.’

‘No,’ she mumbled. No one could know she insisted to herself, no one could ever know about this, she had to keep it to herself. ‘I’ll do it,’ she said, attempting to move in the direction of the first aid cabinet, but Regina pressed down hardly on her shoulders, forcing her to sit down again.

‘I need you to stay right here,’ she said suddenly, ‘press this towel on them please.’ Regina added, standing up and heading into the bathroom. Time seemed blurry to Emma, as was her vision, but she returned after a moment with the first aid kit and a brave smile plastered on her face.

‘I’m going to try and sew these up okay?’ she said hesitantly as she got out the necessary materials. Emma felt a slight tug on her leg as Regina began. She tried to ignore the pain as her brain was so hazy, yet each tug brought her back to the present with a wince of pain.

When Regina had finished cleaning and sewing her thigh, she couldn’t even look into those sad brown eyes. She felt sad but mostly just consumed with guilt and shame.

‘Emma, look at me please.’

When the blonde did nothing in response, she felt her hands being cradled by the loving woman in front of her.

‘My love, please, I’m not angry at you.’

‘You don’t mean that,’ Emma mumbled stubbornly. The ache in her chest had not dissipated in any way, and knew she had not only let herself down, she had let Regina down.

‘Well I’m a little upset, but…I knew this would happen eventually, I just hoped that it wouldn’t.’ she said eventually after a slight pause. ‘Look at me, Emma please.’  
As soon as Emma looked into Regina’s deep brown eyes, she broke, crumbling into her arms. Those kind brown eyes didn’t deserve to have felt and seen such pain. Emma felt Regina’s warm arms encircle her body, cradling her broken body gently as she whispered soft comforts in the dim light.

‘I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,’ Emma sobbed in her arms, but all Regina murmured in response was:   
‘I know darling, it’s okay,’ over and over.

They must have fallen asleep entangled in each other’s arms, as when Emma woke to the harsh beeping of the alarm, she felt her back twinge in pain at being against the cold wood of the cabinet, and the painful throbbing of a thigh. As the nights events flashed back into the forefront of her mind, a familiar feeling of sick guilt swallowed her whole, so much so she thought she might vomit.

But Regina’s eyes were already looking at her steadily from where she sat slumped beside her.

‘You okay?’ she asked softly.

Emma couldn’t seem to find the words to describe the intense emotions she was feeling at that moment, so she merely attempted a smile. It probably wasn’t very convincing as she realised she had also been shaking her head to signal a definite no.

‘I love you,’ was all Regina answered, kissing her cheek lightly and giving her body a comforting squeeze.

After a moment, Regina spoke again, in a more serious tone this time.

‘You need to talk to Archie about this...’

With a resigned sigh, Emma couldn’t deny her words.  
‘I know.’

~~~~~~~~

‘Archie, I need to apologise to you,’ Emma said after she had entered Archie’s office that morning.

‘And why is that?’ the doctor asked her calmly, but the blonde could sense his faint curiosity.

‘All I’ve ever been to you is a dick, you must be fucking sick of me.’

‘No, Emma, of course I’m not-‘

‘No Archie, you don’t have to lie. I’ve been fucking rude to you, and you didn’t deserve that. It was all me and just not wanting to be here. I took it out on you. You were just trying to help.’ She looked up nervously, but Archie smiled softly.

‘I accept your apology Emma, but really, I have had to deal with much more than a few fuck offs in my time, really.’

‘Even so…’

‘What may I ask has prompted this apology?’

‘I realised last night that I…I need help. This isn’t fair on Regina, I know I can’t keep doing this anymore,’ she said with a sigh, her body hunched over now, arms crossed atop her legs. 

‘It’s good that you’ve realised that Emma, that is the next step to recovery,’ Archie said reassuringly. ‘Do you think you could tell me now why you came to me?’  
‘You know its more than just one thing, right?’

‘Of course, the mental state is a complex thing, but I can tell there is something in particular that you mean by this. Something you have been hiding from me?’ he questioned, of course hitting the nail on the head.

‘Yeah, there is…’ Emma said quietly. She could feel her heart beating inextricably fast still, perhaps more so than when she had come in. But there was no going back, she had to do this, not only for Regina, but for her own sake; she wasn’t sure how much more her poor battered body could take of this.  
Before she could change her mind, she began to slip off her jacket, the red leather jacket that Katherine had lent her that day in the hospital, to reveal her shaggy bandages. She knew Archie would understand what they meant anyway, but she tugged both of them down and they fell to the sofa cushions. Her arms were completely visible, showing off as clear as day, the cuts of varying sizes and colours. She couldn’t quite look at Archie as she heard an ever so slight gasp come from where he sat. There was an uncomfortable moment of silence before he said softly, perhaps in the gentlest tone she had ever heard from him:

‘How long have you been doing this?’

‘Since the rape,’ she said bluntly, feeling somewhat exposed, but she knew now that even putting the jacket back on wouldn’t remove that feeling.

‘When was the most recent self-harm?’ 

She flinched at those words put so clinically.

‘Last night, well, this morning,’ she admitted reluctantly.

‘And how did it make you feel?’ He asked then, a question which Emma had not expected, making her look somewhat confused into the doctor’s deep blue eyes.  
As she answered, her eyes flickered down back to the floor. 

‘At first it felt good because it was what I needed, what my body wanted. Then… I just felt so overwhelmingly terrible because I knew I’d let myself down and I’d let Regina down.’

‘Why?’ He said very simply, but with a degree of finality in his question.

‘Why what? Why did I feel bad? Why did I do it? I needed to feel in control, it was just itching at me, gnawing away at me, I…it helps me forget the nightmares, it helps me forget full stop.’

‘But what you just told me suggests otherwise. It seems to have merely heightened your already intense emotions, leaving you feeling worse.’

‘I guess…’ the blonde answered. Perhaps Archie was right, the fix was always only temporary, never lasting longer than 5 minutes. That had been the reason why she had created more; her body was now a canvas of scars.

‘If you don’t mind me asking, why did it take you so long to tell me?’

‘Because I didn’t trust you?’ She half questioned her reply.

‘Who do you trust then Emma?’

‘Regina.’

‘No one else?’

‘Everyone else has always let me down,’ the blonde said, still averting her gaze from Archie’s intense eyes, fumbling with her hands awkwardly.

‘What about yourself? Do you trust yourself?’ Archie continued.

‘No,’ Emma replied after a moment of contemplation, ‘I’m the one who has let myself down the most out of everyone.’  
~~~~~~~

‘How was the session?’ Regina asked almost immediately as she slumped into the seat of her car.

‘I told him,’ she mumbled quietly, almost too quietly for Regina to hear.

‘You did?’ she responded softly, and Emma could hear the hope present in her voice.

‘I showed him,’ Emma added, confirming Regina's question.

‘I’m proud of you Emma Swan,’ Regina said, pressing a gentle kiss on the blonde’s cheek in a comforting way.

Emma tilted her face, manoeuvring Regina’s lips onto her own and kissed her back softly, passionately.

I’m not magically going to become cured, you know that right?’ she said, pulling back from their embrace.

‘I know, but it’s a start,’ Regina replied firmly. ‘Now, I’d quite like to continue that kiss if you don’t mind,’ she said with a smirk, pressing her lips back onto Emma’s. The kiss felt like magic, soft, tingly, and warm, moving throughout her entire body. They hadn’t kissed like this in a while, with everything going on it had become an afterthought. However, with the way she felt in this moment, Emma made a clear mental note that kissing was never again to be forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review so I know that I'm not just writing this for no reason :D


	57. UPDATE ON THIS STORY

Hi everyone, 

This is just an update to let you all know that I am undergoing a process of re-doing/updating each chapter of this fic. I started writing it a long time ago, and I have realised that there are many parts of it that I am unhappy with. I am therefore going to work on each chapter at a time, and I have already done some quick revisions and additions to chapter 1. Obviously the main plot of the story wont be changed, but there are some things I have realised that I forgot to mention that I need to go back and add in in places, as well as some errors I need to correct. I promise nothing drastic will be changed. I hope this is alright with you all, and please feel free to re-read the story when I've finished my re-write. 

I am also going to continue updating this when I can, I'll try not to leave it as long as it took me last time to update. Thank you all for your patience!


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